*Fetch Quest Completed*

LEVEL UP! Queer Xianxia Crossover’Dresser is now lvl 33.

AHhHhH! Qi wakes up from his 2 months long coma and screams. He was certain that he was trapped in a reoccuring dream. He would wake up only to find himself trapped in another nightmare. The theme of the dreams were always the same. He would be badly injured, tied up, and there would be something sticking out of his butt.

Qi tried to rub his aching head only to find himself tied up again. “Dammit, not again.” He muttered.

As if on cue, the door to the sterile room opened and in scuttled a bunch of ROUs wearing skinny red ties.

“Good morning Mr. Qi, as you can see, we’ve had our eyes on you for some time now. It seems that you’ve been living two lives.

In one life, you are Qi’queg the Queer Xianxia Crossover’Dresser, a respectable adventurer of the guild. You have a Tax File Number, you pay your dues, and.. you help your friend babysit new adventurers.

Your other life is lived in the sewers, where you trespass into our lands and are guilty of every crime against the rodent kind we have a law for.

One of these lives has a future, and one of them does not.

I’m going to be as honest as I can be with you Mr. Qi. You are here because you owe a lot of money. Now, whatever you think you know about this medical bill I am about to serve you is irrelevant.

My colleagues here believe that I am wasting my time with you, but I believe you wish to do the right thing. We are willing to wipe your internet history clean, give you a fresh start. All that we are asking for in return are your balls.”

Qi- “Yea, that sounds like a really good deal. I know that I’m still dreaming. So, sure why not. Now how about you untie me and let me use the bathroom?”

“You disappoint me Mr. Qi. you did not even negotiate. I will make some adjustments to payment options on your behalf,” said the lead medical billing and coding adjuster.

Qi- “You can’t scare me with this Obamacare crap, I know my rights. Now, I want to go to the toilet.”

“Tell me Mr. Qi, what good is a toilet when you are unable to poop?”

In marched the Rat Ritualists playing flutes and tiny violins.

*dramatic music BMG*

The rat adjusters untied Qi. In a panic, he stood up and reached down and around in search of his butthole. It was smooth and flawless like a baby’s head. His butthole was missing!

Qi- “What have you done to me?!”

“Now now Mr. Qi. You already agreed to your bill adjustment. No backing out now.” The lead adjuster made a gesture and the other ROUs seized Qi and threw him back onto the bed and pulled his pants down.

Into the crowded room marched Rat Chef, Dr. Anthony Ratuci, and his RNs. The lead rat adjuster handed the paperwork over to the newcomers and declared that everything was in order.

Rat Chef looked down at the tiny raisins dangling between Qi’s legs. “Mama mia! These won’t do, not enough meat for my famous Arancini di Riso Siciliani. Are you sure this guy was really the source of the human truffles you sold me last time?”

Dr. Ratuci put his paw into his pouch and pulled out his notebook. “Yes, I harvested them myself.” He looked over his notes. “Ah, I see the problem now. His balls were badly injured before we harvested them. In order to properly cure, enlarge, and mature the product, we will need to… damage them.”

Rat Chef- “Ah I understand! Like Foie Gras.”

Dr. Ratuci began to furiously doodle diagrams and make notes. “Not quite, but now that you mention it, I have a few ideas that may increase production. Nurse, rubber mallet please.”

Qi, seeing what they were about to do to him shouted, “WAIT! Wait! I do not give consent! StOp! STOP! This isn't right! You doctors take a hippocratic oath right? This can’t be moral or legal!”

Rat Adjuster- “Surrogate mothers do something similar all the time. This is merely a half-cocked culinary spin on surrogacy that is clearly covered under the legal principle of Fructus Industriales. You are going to help us Mr. Qi, whether you want to or not.”

“RNs, please assist the adjusters in holding down the… patient.” Dr. Ratuci raised the mallet high above his head in a two handed grip. Mercifully, before the hammer impacted his balls, Qi fainted dramatically.

Rat Ritualists change their music to cover: AC/DC’s Big Balls: https://youtu.be/xPlqLHcphyw

The mallet did not descend in full force, but started with gentle taps that gradually increased in power. Like a rubber bouncy ball thrown onto the ground in reverse, the fruits gradually grew on the vine with each strike. Rat Chef smiled when the raisins ripened back into expensive Japanese Ruby Roman Grapes.

“Nurse, scalpel and big gulp please.” Dr. Ratuci deftly harvested the fruits with 3 quick cuts and handed them to Rat Chef for grading. Then dipped Qi’s deflated ball sack into the big gulp like it was a teabag. The raisins reappeared like magic in the healing potion and the incision disappeared.

Rat Chef gave each of the freshly harvested human oysters a sniff and a squeeze. “Good size but the color and texture is off. To maximize the flavor, I think the blood needs to coagulate in the fruit for at least a day prior to harvesting.”

Dr. Ratuci nodded. “I will now increase the fruit yield with grafting.” The same process was repeated but instead of harvesting the fruit, the rat doc teabagged and regrew the raisins, then reattached the old fruit. He repeated this process about a dozen times until Qi’s ball sack was stretched full to bursting.

Like some kind of sick fruit of the loom commercial, the ballsack now resembled a bunch of grapes hanging heavily on the vine. Truly strange fruit.

Just as everyone was about to congratulate Dr. Ratuci on the greatest revolution on the ethical and renewable sourcing of premium meat since soylent green, he held up a paw and said. “I am not done yet. The challenge to growing good human truffles is blood flow. The groin has a naturally high blood flow. One other body part with a similar flow capable of growing good product is the head.”

Three hours later, bunches of the human fruit were attached to the earlobes and under the chin of the unconscious Qi. Dr. Ratuci had increased the yield by at least 36x.

Rat Chef- “What a show! Simply brilliant! Never before have I used such quality ingredients. Karen will be pleased. I offer $50 Doge Dollars per ounce on these two unripe fruits and I will pay the agreed $100DD tomorrow per oz when the fruit is ready to be harvested.” A drug dealer's scale was produced by the Adjusters who weighed the product and took payment from the chef.

Beans on the adjusters abacus spun and zipped about. Then half of the cash was handed to Dr. Ratuci. The unconscious Qi was credited $3 per ball towards his enormous medical debt and the rest of the money was debited towards fees, interest, and expenses. The medical bill and receipt for $6 were placed over Qi’s face like a death shroud.

With the money divided up, the rats tied Qi back down and left. The walls cackled with unhinged glee as the albino assassin once again lost control of himself from what he just witnessed.