Chapter Fourteen - Domo Arigato
Crossover: Calamitous Bob by Mecanimus

***

Abigail was thinking as she manned the till.

Today was the cafe’s second day, and while she couldn’t consider it a rousing success, it was making some decent money. Some of it was admittedly strange money, possibly from other worlds, but money was money, and she was sure it had some value to someone.

“Have a nice day!” she said to the gentleman who picked up a paper cup of fresh coffee with a curious hum and headed out.

So far, everything had been nice enough. The machinery in the shop was strange, but also easy to use. It took some poking and prodding to understand that some of the signs and symbols would react to her touch, and she still wasn’t used to the coffee pouring into strange paper cups on its own, but the taste was good, and there was certainly some novelty to the idea.

She shook her head. She was trying to focus on what one of the clients she’d spoken to yesterday had said. Limits. Dreamer was... well, Abigail loved her dearly. The incomprehensible creature from beyond the stars, holder of immense power, was something like a mix between a smaller sibling, a summon, and maybe a daughter to Abigail.

It was a complicated mix of emotions, but none of them were negative. She dearly loved Dreamer, and it seemed that Dreamer loved her back, and trusted her just as much.

The problem was that Dreamer had issues with limits.

Abigail glanced to the corner of the room where a slightly mal-formed Dreamer clone was glaring at a pamphlet for a mayoral candidate with confusion and consternation.

Dreamer definitely needed some clearer limits on what was or wasn’t acceptable.

The bell chimed, and Abigail banished her thoughts about Dreamer and put a smile on. She did love meeting new clients. It was the best (and sometimes worst) part of this kind of work.

“Hello, and welcome to Dreeeeee--” Abigail’s voice rose in pitch until it passed dog-whistle levels and finally stopped with a squawk.

The creature in her doorway was tall, impossibly tall for anything living and so thin. It was entirely made of bone, pale with the deathly quality of something long expired. A pair of glowing yellow orbs sat in the sockets of a horned skull. They locked onto Abigail, assessed her, then dismissed her just as easily to scan the room around them.

//Realm change detected.

“Uh, hi!” Abigail said. She plastered on the best smile she could manage. This was Dreamer’s fault. There wasn’t even the need to wonder how it was the girl’s fault, it just was, as plain as day and as certain as a sunrise.

//Threat assessment in progress.
//Threat level: disaster.
//Query: I wish to return to my realm.

The Dreamer clone in the corner looked up, then it reached into the fluff of its dress and pulled out a pamphlet which it extended towards the creature.

It took the pamphlet and scanned it carefully.

//This is unusual.
//What are the methods to escape this location?

“Just buy some tea. That’s your purpose, isn’t it?” the pamphlet clone asked with a sigh. “This place calls on people who need its services, whose purpose, however fleetingly, is to get some tea. My purpose is to give people pamphlets about the tea shop.”

//Interesting.

The creature walked across the shop, making far less noise than something of that size should have, and walking with the liquid grace of a tomcat striding on a fence.

It stopped in front of Abigail, then lowered itself to be eye-to-eye with her.

//Fleshbag, I am here to acquire tea.
//Specifically medicinal tea that can aid in the curing of menstrual cramping.

“Uh,” Abigail said. Despite herself, she felt blood rushing to her cheeks. Was this a she-skeleton monster? “I, uh, we might have something like that.”

//What forms of payment would be acceptable?

“We accept silver, gold, um, just about any currency, I guess,” Abigail said. She tried a grin, then gestured to the side. “I’m going to go make some of that, ah, tea for you.”

She was surprised that the tea machine in the kitchen had an option for what the machine had asked for, and made a note to mention as much to Daphne and Charlotte later. Maybe they could become popular in another way later on, after the large, homicidal-looking skeleton golem with menstrual cramps was gone.

Abigail made sure the paper cup had its quaint cat-eared cap on, and rushed back to the counter where she placed the cup in front of the skeleton creature. “Ah, do you want anything else with that? We have cake.”

//Query: Do you have anything to revitalize a dead empire?

“No?”

//Query: Do you have any magical devices that could decimate armies?
//Failing that, do you have powerful poisons?

“No, just pastries.” Abigail fidgetted under the inspection of the machine’s golden eyes. “That’ll be three coppers?”

The machine reached to its hip, fiddled with a small purse, then deposited a small golden ingot on the counter. It was no bigger than Abigail’s pinkie.

//This is a gold talent.
//Goodbye.

Abigail watched as the teacup was picked up and held almost endearingly against the skeletal machine’s chest. Then it skittered down the steps and towards the door.

“Do you want a pamphlet, so that you can better remember your visit to Dreamer’s Ten’Tea’Cle cafe?” the pamphlet clone asked.

//No.

“It’s a nice pamphlet. It has the address, and a small text about the services provided at the cafe.”

//The text has been memorized.
//The pamphlet is unnecessary.
//Goodbye.

“Why do I even exist?” the clone whispered.

The door jingled as it opened, and the machine stepped out. For a moment, Abigail suspected that her eyes were watery. When she blinked them, there was no more machine near the entrance.

“Right, Dreamer clone, can you watch the counter please? I need to talk to Dreamer proper about... about limits.

***