TL/DR: I’m going on a one-month hiatus to deal with some personal problems.
I don’t really feel comfortable spending too much time talking about myself and what I consider to be “personal issues.” Especially not with a bunch of people who are (thought I appreciate all of you) largely strangers. However, my therapist has been telling me I should try being more open. And I do mean that literally, not the meme “my therapist/lawyer/doctor tells me …”
Obviously, I missed this week’s chapter release. Prior to this, about a month ago I deleted Demon Queen with no real heads up or warning, then when someone asked about it I gave a roundabout non-answer. There have been a few allusions to what’s going on in the past, but at the end of the day I always somehow managed to pull through and make my deadline. Except for that one time last year, but that’s largely unrelated to this.
The truth is, I have been struggling with depression right now. I have been for a while, but things really came to a head a couple of weeks back, when I delayed the chapter release by a day because “something happened that was making me really angry and that was affecting the tone of the chapter.”
I don’t have a lot of close friends, probably, two or three people tops that I would really consider in that category, and all of them are online only on account of geography. Two weeks ago, we were all hanging out in a discord call with some of our mutuals, and one of them proudly announced that he was “on some dope shit.” Now, I don’t have a problem with drugs, as long as you aren’t hurting anyone. The thing is, he was driving at the time and the drug in question was a psychedelic.
I… also have a history with that. In middle school and again in high school, I lost a friend to someone being an asshole and DUI. Well, middle school was a DWI, but it's the same. Needless to say, I lost it in the voice call, and things devolved from there. Now, I am no longer on speaking terms with that incredibly small friend group. Parting ways with them was the only real outcome in my mind, but it did exacerbate the underlying issues I’ve had in the back of my mind for some time now.
Over the next weeks and up until today, I’ve been slowly unraveling and losing motivation… Everything just feels numb and colorless at the moment. If not for the therapist telling me I should write this out… I honestly probably wouldn’t bother. Now, I don’t want you all to get the wrong idea; I’m NOT suicidally depressed. I’m still able to rationalize why that’s not an answer. Case in point, getting the therapist was a decision I made all on my own.
I’m just… not feeling anything. If I didn’t know that eating was a necessity, I’d probably stop. As it is, the only times I’ve managed to force myself out of the house in the past week were to go to my two appointments. With all that said, I’m going to take at least a month off from writing and start trying to find motivation elsewhere. My brother is flying in, and we’re going to take a roadtrip around our state, maybe do a coast2coast we don’t know.
Anyway, sorry for disappearing without leaving a note, and doubly sorry for dropping all of this on your heads at once. Here’s to all you beautiful people.
Thanks for this amazing story phyholor. prioritise your health over everything. Don't worry about the story, your are not inclined to write this. Do what you want right now and try to be in a stress free environment for now. I hope you work through you problems.
Yeah. Depression sucks. Hope you can continue this eventually, but if not, BELEIVE me. I understand. I've had clinical Depression for the past 14 years. Some days, its hard even getting out of bed.
But try not to let it win. Find SOMETHING, Anything at all, that makes you feel positive, and hold on to it. In my case, I usually deal with the bad days by Playing Video games. Something like Fallout or the elder scrolls can be a great release, just you and a big sandbox, no need to really DO anything, just wander around and see what happens. GTA can be helpful as well, just go start a rampage, great for working out stress.
If it helps, you made the right choice with that former friend group, DUI is NOT a laughing matter, it's a potentially Fatal Crime. Anyone who would argue and defend the criminal against what is Justified Outrage... well, they clearly don't deserve a friend who cares.
From one Depressed Person to Another: Hang in there, buddy. You got this. And I hope you feel better.
Na man, you are the priority, above everything else. This story can wait, heck it can be put on perma hiatus (though understandable, I would weep). I don't need to say how much writing puts a strain on a persons life/time.
So, take your time to not over exert/stress yourself, and try to find a form/activity that can comfort you and help you feel less shit.
Also, I thank you for telling us about this. I know it can be tedious, having to revisit it and telling your expirinces to people who's practically strangers. Except, for many of us, were strangers who's lives your positively impacted in some form or another.
As someone who had a somewhat relatable expirence, both living with depression and having my long time friend group turn on me. *Things, WILL get better, you WILL (eventually) begin to feel less shit, then things WILL feel more manageable and that they're improving, and then they WILL.
And in between all of this, you'll have those little moments, actions that may not be anything major, but they'll give you joy in life. They may be temporary, but you will remember them.
Now, I feel I should tell you a little tail, about how *you* really helped a stranger.
Late December & early January this year, I was going through some traumatic events. One of which was my dad, who due to unknown reasons developed a dementia like illness where he began to mentally regress, back to a child or teen. Most of the time he would be very lucid, not with it, as he couldn't understand things. He could no longer take proper care of himself, & would struggle to have cohesive conversations.
*You through your story* helped me through that, gave me a reason not to stay in bed all day Monday and skip out on family & collage. (I'd purposely leave my phone downstairs so to forve me to get up.)
Your chapters made my day that little less shit. *It wasn't anything major. But I remembered them.*
And now, although my dad has this diseases permanently, he's getting better with it, at times he's becoming more lucid and aware, heck I just finished (UK) college and graduated to Uni, and he was actually able to give me coherent and helpful advice again!
(Though as his present for me passing he bought me £20 worth of different chocolates & sweets that I used to like as a kid, from when we used to watch movies together. Heck I didn't even remember half of them existed. He'll never be the same, but he'll still be my Dad, who I love.)
My names Thomas, I know this is the Internet, and we're all strangers, but I feel like you should know the name of this stranger, who you've helped.
So, sincerely Psycholor, thank you for everything! I wish you all the best in getting through this journey, and once again finding joy.
Do whatever is best for you. I’ve struggled with depression my whole life and really don’t cope well so I can totally understand.
Thank you for the story. I hope you work it all out.
Explaining things in detail to a bunch of people, some friendly, others who knows, isn't wise. So be open perhaps with those you know personally but not those that are not, even if most of us would encourage you.
Do what you need to with friends, family, and therapist for your health. And don't worry about us. We will be here if and when you come back.
Best Wishes.
Ironically I do quite well with telling my problems to random people on the internet because they likely have no idea who I am and I have no idea who they are. And neither of us really have any sort of emotional bond so we can talk about things with a level of anonymity and just share our own thoughts. For me even if a total stranger is incredibly judgmental I really don’t care. The moment I have a face and name for them it is much harder. But maybe I’m just luck that most of the random people on the internet that I meet are rather kind and supportive to a total stranger. Unless they’re in a vs lobby of any sort of video game. Although sometimes it’s really funny to say something highly controversial in general chat and watch the chaos unfold.(Note: do not do that in a chat with people who you care about being friends with)