It wasn’t Christmas and Ahegao wasn’t a kitten. It hadn’t been Christmas for ten months and she hadn’t been a kitten for years. But however old she got and wherever the Vesh family found themselves in the year, Ahegao would always be “Ahegao the Christmas Kitten” to the little (mostly gay) family of vampires.
She also wasn’t a Displacer Beast (a monster that first appeared in Dungeons and Dragons’ ‘Greyhawk’ setting in 1975) or a Coeurl (a monster that first appeared in Final Fantasy II in 1988) or a Demon Cat (a monster that first appeared in the Adventure Time episode ‘Dungeon’ in 2010) but she was totally that sort of thing.
She was a small purple cat with tentacles coming out of her shoulders, and the vampires loved her.
And Ahegao loved the vampires back, with that funny selfish kitty-cat sort of love, but love didn’t mean she spent her whole life being their lap cat. For a pussy with the urge to hunt, the urge to explore, and the magical power to teleport anywhere within the village, then life was a great adventure.
This was the night that followed the Minotaur’s first day in Spetlamu. The night that followed the evening when Irene enjoyed being raped in The Willowish Grinigog with a fistful of bratwurst. The night when Tatiana was nursing Nikola on her booby while Chevoy fucked his besthole. The last night that Nikola ever used he/him pronouns.
It was that night, and it offered Ahegao a great adventure indeed. It offered her a mystery.
Why was there a pear tree growing in the bath?
In the biggest gothic bathtub in the biggest gothic bathroom. Growing right out the plughole. A small spindly pear tree had sprouted.
Ravinical Vesh, the Burgrave’s accidentally heterosexual wife, had entered the castle’s wash chamber to lower her big gothic ass and her big gothic tits into the big gothic bathtub. But that wasn’t how things worked out.
Ahegao the Christmas Kitten was welcome to follow her into the bathroom, even though Ravinical was going to masturbate in there. That was fine. It’s perfectly normal to masturbate when cats are in the room. It’s only when you masturbate in front of a dog that you’re making a definite choice about what sort of person you are.
And anyway, Ravinical probably wouldn’t masturbate for long before giving up. Ravinical Vesh, like most heterosexual wives, was very bad at masturbating. The bitch had little imagination and little idea how to operate her own minge. An almost hopeless case. She never really put much effort into improving the piss poor quality of her self-loving because she fundamentally didn’t want fingers and imagination. If she wanted fingers and imagination then she could just go join the lesbian wives in the sex pit. No, what this slut wanted was DICK and lots of it.
But instead all she was going to get was an unsatisfactory wank in the bath while her cat watched. Or so she thought. The truth was she wasn’t even going to get that.
Because there was a pear tree growing out of the plug hole.
Ravinical the heterosexual vampire and Ahegao the Christmas kitten entered the bathroom to see a pear tree growing out of the plug hole, where no pear tree had grown before, shedding juicy pears into the tub.
“What the fuck?” said Ravinical. “Pear is a relatively slow-growing wood.”
The rest of this chapter will read like a child’s pre-school picture book.
Except without any pictures because I can’t draw.
And not suitable for children because I can’t go two paragraphs without using the word ‘cunt.’
I wonder what that’s about?
I asked my therapist.
All she said was “Some people just can’t draw, I guess. Art skills aren’t really the sort of thing therapy can help with. Why don’t we try and talk your misogyny issues through a little more instead?”
I don’t know why I’m even paying the cunt.
Ahegao the Christmas Kitten looked at the pear tree in the bath.
How strange to see it there! It takes a lot to interest a carnivore in fruit, but this had done the trick.
Ahegao wondered if mysterious pear trees had appeared anywhere else! She wiggled her magic tentacles and teleported off to check.
WIGGLE! WIGGLE! POP!
Ahegao the Christmas Kitten visited the Lesbian Vampire Wives in their sex pit.
What were the Lesbian Vampire Wives doing? Evangelina was pouring wine into Laura’s mouth and Laura was doing a wee-wee into Evangelina’s mouth.
When they saw that the Christmas kitten had come to visit them they stopped their naughty game to pet her and scratch her ears.
But Ahegao couldn’t see any mysterious pear trees in the lesbian sex pit, so she just gave them a few quick purrs then wiggled her magic tentacles to teleport somewhere else.
WIGGLE! WIGGLE! POP!
Ahegao the Christmas Kitten visited the Fungible Fortuneteller in her caravan.
What was the Fungible Fortuneteller doing? She was writing down some notes about the future.
The current Madame Sausages was writing a list of things about the future she did not understand yet. If you’re someone who has a lot of visions and premonitions then it is very important to keep lists of all the things you don’t know, so that you don’t get sloppy.
“Why will Joanna cry at Tatiana’s wedding?” she wrote
and
“Will Ravinical play her only card too late?” she wrote
and
“Why has a pear tree just appeared at the Old Rectory?”
A clue! A clue for the Christmas Kitten. Ahegao knew to teleport to the Old Rectory straight away.
WIGGLE! WIGGLE! POP!
Ahegao the Christmas Kitten visited the Old Rectory. The Unpopular Priest lived there with his Traumatised Wife.
What was the Traumatised Wife doing? She was shaking and screaming manically about how she was happy and content now she understood she was nothing but filthy rapemeat.
What was the Unpopular Priest doing? He was writing a long and angry sermon about how Minotaur dick was the root of all evil.
The Christmas Kitten decided not to go inside the Old Rectory. The people in there were weird.
And she didn’t even need to go inside anyway, because there was a pear tree right there in the front garden, where none had been before. Attentive readers of earlier chapters will have noticed that the Unpopular Priest had himself registered the pear tree but not consciously processed its newness.
The Christmas Kitten stared at the tree.
It grew a mouth in one of its pears.
“Hello again, kitty,” said the tree through its pear mouth. “You were at the castle, weren’t you?”
Ahegao rubbed herself up against the tree and gave it some purrs.
“I don’t suppose you’ve seen a Minotaur around here, have you puss? No? Oh well, best keep looking!”
And the pear tree ungrew itself back to a seed and vanished.
A clue! A clue for the Christmas Kitten! There was just one pear tree, growing and ungrowing itself around the village. Looking for a Minotaur!
Ahegao would teleport after it and catch the funny tree.
WIGGLE! WIGGLE! POP!
Ahegao the Christmas Kitten visited the Multitalented Miller in his windmill.
What was the Multitalented Miller doing? He was painting a triptych of the three times he’d buggered the Innkeeper’s Whorish Daughter.
A triptych is three paintings on separate panels that make up a work of art together. The Miller was excellent at painting but was having a lot of trouble making a triptych he liked of those three sessions of sexy sodomy. Can you guess why?
The first time he had assfucked the Innkeeper’s Daughter he had been clumsy.
The second time he had assfucked the Innkeeper’s Daughter he had been considerate.
The third time he had assfucked the Innkeeper’s Daughter he had been cruel.
That made for three pretty fun paintings! Clumsy assfucking, considerate assfucking, and cruel assfucking. The Miller was enjoying painting them all, focusing on what he imagined the little slut’s face had looked like in each scenario, but there was a big problem! A real big artistic problem for the Miller.
Ahegao the Christmas Kitten didn’t know anything about art, so she couldn’t see the problem.
See if you can work out what was wrong with the Miller’s painting. You have all the clues. The answer will be in six chapters’ time.
For now all that matters is there were no pear trees near the windmill, so Ahegao teleported away.
WIGGLE! WIGGLE! POP!
Ahegao the Christmas Kitten visited the Tyrannical Cook in his cottage.
What was the Tyrannical Cook doing? He was beating his wife and children!
The cook had wanted to tittyfuck his wife that night but, because he’d shot three loads into the Priest’s Traumatised Wife back in The Grin, he couldn’t get his penis hard again. This made the cook very frustrated, and when he got frustrated he always thought the most helpful thing to do was punch his wife and children as hard as he could!
It made the kitten very sad to see such a horrible sight, so she used her powers to teleport the victims of this distressing domestic abuse to a place of safety.
WIGGLE! WIGGLE! POP!
This was a kind thing for the Christmas Kitten to do, but not a very clever one. The battered wife and children would have to go back to the cook’s cottage eventually and, when they did, the cook would be angrier than ever!
ALWAYS REMEMBER that intervening in an abusive relationship takes delicacy and care and only the victim can make the decision for when it’s time to leave. It’s no job for magic kittens!
WIGGLE! WIGGLE! POP!
Ahegao the Christmas Kitten visited the Heartbroken, Careworn Dairy Farmer in his ruined kitchen.
What was the Heartbroken, Careworn Dairy Farmer doing? He was crying!
He was crying because his kitchen door was broken, there was a dangerous Minotaur asleep in his barn, his children were upstairs having a noisy threesome with a vampire, he’d licked cum off his own daughter’s tits, had an inappropriate bathtime with his son, turned gay, and lost his wife to a medieval shitting disease.
The atmosphere was kind of bleak, and there was no sign of a pear tree anywhere, so Ahegao hit the bricks.
WIGGLE! WIGGLE! POP!
Ahegao the Christmas Kitten visited the Pear Tree that had grown in the middle of the village green.
“Hey, are you following me, little puss?” asked the tree.
“I suppose so,” said the Christmas Kitten, “I like chasing things! And it’s not often I get to chase a tree that keeps growing itself in different places in the village.”
“Wow! You speak Dryad!” said the pear tree.
“Do I? I guess I do! I am a very magical cat.”
The dryad projected her human form out of the tree.
Stood in front of the kitty cat now was a short, fat naked girlie. A short, fat naked girlie with pear-green skin, a round face, and pretty eyes. She looked super friendly.
The dryad petted the cat. The cat nuzzled her good.
“You are a very magical cat! What lovely soft purple fur! What magnificent shoulder-tentacles!”
Ahegao had enjoyed her little adventure, teleporting all round the village, and was glad the story had a cute end - meeting this fat, friendly dryad. A nymph that embodied a tree. The mysterious tree that had been appearing all over and this naked green chubby shortstack were one and the same entity.
It was the early hours of the morning. The dryad sat her big green ass right down on the village green to pet her new feline friend.
“Don’t suppose you’ve seen a Minotaur around here anywhere, have you little puss-puss?”
“Sure,” said the Christmas Kitten. “There’s one back in the barn at the Lever farm. I heard a sad dairy farmer crying about having licked Minotaur cum off his daughter’s tits.”
“Damn,” said the dryad.
“Yeah.”
“Just, like, licked steaming hot man-bull cum right up off his own kid’s boobies?”
“Wild, huh?” said Ahegao, “I didn’t get all the details, the guy was crying about a lot of other things too, but that was one of them. Fucked up, right?”
“So fucked up. Damn.” The dryad paused a moment, “Kinda hot though.”
“You’re nasty, lady!” laughed the cat, giving her a really good purr.
The dryad ticked under the kitty-cat’s chin.
“Well, I gotta go talk to that Minotaur now I that know where he is, so I guess there’s a chance things are about to get unbelievably nasty…”
Ahegao the Christmas Kitten was sad to hear that her new friend was leaving so soon.
“Can’t you stay and play a little longer?” she asked.
“Hmm, maybe,” the dryad smiled. She liked her new friend too.
So, in the early hours of the morning, in the middle of the village green, the living embodied humanoid spirit of a pear tree spread her chunky green legs wide and showed the magic Christmas Kitten her own little kitty.
“Why don’t you show me what those tentacles can do?” she suggested.
Up her vagina they went! Wiggle! Wiggle! Pop!
