So, here I was just counting my days of living, as I had nothing better to do, because the house here didn’t really have anything interesting, since I already had explored everything once I learned how to walk, and apparently my father’s name is Amentis and my mom’s is Lene (pronounce them however you fucking want.) with their last names being Ranco.
My family is really loved in the city, seems that they are famous and really, and when I say really it means that they are loved a lot.
When I reached three years I started to talk with my mom, as I was just normally talking with my mom, she seemed really warm, loving but also sad. So, one day when I was already five years old, I asked my mom in my sweet little kid tone that I had.
“Mommy why are looking so sad?” I asked.
“Oh, it’s nothing much sweetie” she answered me.
“Are you sure? Because when you talk to me you always look sad, did I do something?” I asked.
“Oh, it’s really nothing sweetie, you did nothing to sadden me, in fact you make me feel happy.” She answered me once again.
“Is it really?” I asked again.
“Really, really, anyways your father said that he wants to talk with you”
I was shocked inside, like my father actually wanted to talk with me. Because he was shut in his office most of the time and whenever I would find and ask him something, he would just always say “go ask your mother”, so in short, he was really cold to me.
So, you could guess why I was shocked.
“Okay” I said very cheerily
“Take care and be careful not to trip.” Mom said.
“Okay!” I shouted to mom.
‘Why did she say take care? Is my father going to take me somewhere?’
So, as I arrived by his office door where he usually spends most of his time doing paperwork for his company of some sorts, don’t know what company because he never really told anyone about his job. So, anyways I walked over and knocked on the sacred door, as I like to call it.
“Come in.” he said
So, me being the me from my previous life, I was really scared but also excited to see what is behind those doors.
“I’m coming in” I said.
My heart was beating really really fast, like it was at the speed of sanic the hedgehomie.
As I was coming in, I saw him, the very tall man, I already said that he is very tall but God damn is he REALLY tall. Is everyone in this world so tall? Well, if I had to guess then no because my mom is about 5’9 in height. Also did I mention that I take mostly from my father since he has white hair and I also have white/blonde hair well more to the white side. Well, people here really love the concept of the child having one of their parent’s hair colors, I don’t know why hair color though.
“Finally, you’re old enough for me to start it” he said, waking me from my thoughts.
Me being the oblivious fool that I am, I forgot what he said when I first came into this world, that I will make a good experiment for something.
So, I asked away.
“I am ready for what?”
His face turned into an evil grin.
“For my experiments that is.”
And ladies and gentlemen, that was the start of the hell that I will be calling my life, not that I knew of it.
It's just that something is off but idk what.
It's the language and word choice the author uses. Certain ticks that people use in their everyday speaking have been put into the writing making it sound unnatural. I would guess that the author talks like this in real life and doesn't have the range of language or knowledge to change the way it all comes out when he/she is writing.
Words like 'so', 'and', and 'well', have been too overused leading to the writing feeling broken and jarring. It doesn't help that the author often puts his own thoughts in brackets further breaking any immersion in the story you might have been able to achieve.
@GioBlaze9239 Ouch...
but you're not wrong.
@green_ink Cheer up. I love it
@Ambly I'm not sad, just puzzled on what to do about that.
but still, that comment murdered me.
@green_ink Create a discord and ask people if they want to be beta readers. Create a google doc or something with the chapter and allow them, the beta readers, to make suggestions. It would also help if you told the beta readers what type of tone and views you wanted a character to have so that they have a better idea as to what to suggest for different characters. There are other ways but this is one of the more common among this community.
As for doing it your self, prioritize removing rambling and overuse or unnecessary use of words, as those are the 2 major issues that your dialog suffers from. Don't expect to be able to write more standard sounding dialog instantly. It will take a while.
Here is a rushed 15 minute edit. I tried to ignore details that would make it come off as a completely different writing style. Feel free to use it if you want something to compare to. As previously stated though, this is rough and still in need of many minor corrections.
I was just counting my days of living, as I had nothing better to do. The house didn't really have anything interesting, since I already had explored everything once I learned how to walk. Apparently, my father's name is Amentis and my mom's is Lene with their last names being Ranco.
My family is really loved in the city. It seems that they are famous and well-liked.
When I reached three years I started to talk with my mom. During the time I was talking with my mom, she seemed really warm and loving but also sad. So, one day after my fifth birthday, I asked my mom in my sweet little kid tone.
"Mommy why are looking so sad?" I asked.
"Oh, it's nothing much sweetie" she answered me.
"Are you sure? Because when you talk to me you always look sad, did I do something?" I asked.
"Oh, it's really nothing sweetie, you did nothing to sadden me, in fact, you make me feel happy." She answered me once again.
"Is that really true?" I asked again.
"Really really true. Now sweetie, your father said that he wants to talk with you."
I was shocked inside that my father actually wanted to talk with me. Because he was shut in his office most of the time and whenever I would ask him something, he would just always say "go ask your mother",
You could guess why I was shocked.
"Okay" I said very cheerily
"Take care and be careful not to trip." Mom said.
"Okay!" I shouted to mom.
'Why did she say take care? Is my father going to take me somewhere?'
I arrived by his office door where he usually spends most of his time doing paperwork for his company. I don't know what company because he never really told anyone about his job. I walked over and knocked on the sacred door, as I like to call it.
"Come in." he said
Due to my previous life, I was really scared but also excited to see what is behind those doors.
"I'm coming in" I said.
My heart was racing.
As I was entering, I saw him, the very tall man. Tall didn't do him justice, he was gigantic. Is everyone in this world so large? Well, if I had to guess then no because my mom is about 5'9 in height. Looking at him more, I noticed my fathers' white hair which nearly matched mine. People here really love the concept of a child having one of their parent's hair colors, I don't know why though.
"Finally, you're old enough for me to start it" he said, waking me from my thoughts.
I had forgotten what he said at my birth, so I naively asked, I asked
"Ready for what?"
His face turned into an evil grin.
"For my experiments that is."
That was the start of the hell that I will be calling my life, not that I knew it at the time.
@ARedFox about the community stuff...
I don't know sh*t about that, that's why I'm just not doing it.
as for the writing. yes, I agree that it's complete shit, but it should get better the more you get to the top of my chapters.
@green_ink It did indeed get better. Way fewer unnecessary words. Still a bit of rambling
@green_ink I could help with the community stuff, got experience as a mod and server owner.
@Ambly You're free to do whatever you want, it's not like I'm stopping you, and I'm not against it, just don't know sh*t about it, that's it.
@green_ink Ok.
@Ambly ah, if you do ever create one, let me know, I'll put it up in the description (and I will give credit)
@green_ink