Journal entry continued
AAAAA, Cairn and Lilly are gonna visit and I’m gonna hug them in real life! I can’t believe it took me so long to finally be ok with the idea. When they’re here we can cook food together and cuddle and watch movies! I can introduce all my family to each other. Oh, that also means I’m gonna have to work out how to introduce people to Sylph. I’ll talk to her about that tonight. Also brain fungus, that too
My friends agreed to the visit right away. The rest of the workday at the library was spent vibrating through all my duties. The combined anticipation of seeing the two of them again after so long being apart, and seeing Sylph again tonight was almost too much to contain within my bubbly queer frame. I made it through the day, thankfully.
Knowing Sylph could adapt to different foods had opened up possibilities to me. I could cook something to bring to her without fear of it causing problems. Any food I brought was likely a new experience for her, something she'd only possibly seen or heard of through her studies of culture or media. She was sharing so much about her people with me, I wanted to do so for her as well.
I thought back to growing up and what foods I loved of my mother's cooking and one stood out, a spaghetti dish that I was greatly looking forward to sharing with her, spaghetti alla puttanesca. Roughly translated from Italian it works out to "whore's pasta" or something along those lines. The story I heard is that colloquially it came from someone in Italy saying something along the lines of "I threw a bunch of shit in the pot," in this case the Italian word puttana for whore being used similarly to "shit" in English. But fuck whorephobia, sex work is real work! I chose to see it rather as some good food that sex workers would love.
Anyway, "throw a bunch of shit in a pot" is a very common origin for so many working class people's dishes, and working class people sure as fuck knew how to cook. I loved the stuff.
The recipe in my house is a base of tomatoes, garlic, olives, mushrooms, peppers, capers, and anchovies. First you have to start with some finely chopped garlic that's been left to set out for at least 10 minutes. When you break the cell walls in garlic it releases an enzyme that starts a chain reaction of deliciousness. First the enzymatic breaking down of a bunch of sulfoxides, which then react to form beautiful wonderful thiosulfinate. This is the good stuff that makes garlic taste and smell so good, and it's also a super fun antioxidant. Then you sauté mushrooms, peppers, and anchovies with some olive oil and toss in the garlic when they've browned a bit. Dump that all in a pot of simmering tomatoes. Add in the capers, a bunch of oregano and whatever other spices look nice, let it simmer. Cook spaghetti, drain and mix it all up. Voila, yummy prostitute pasta.
It took me about an hour of cooking after a quick shopping trip on the way home from work. I loaded up a bag with the delightful meal, two forks, and a nice bottle of chianti. I also brought two sturdy glasses, but for some reason I didn't think to bring plates or dishes today. I swear this had nothing to do with the thought of meeting Sylph's lips in the middle of a long shared noodle. Mmmmm, lips... With meal prepped and Badger fed, we both set out to make another offering to the wise and beautiful alien of the aspen.
In addition to feeding her, I had to talk to Sylph about the thing in my head. I don't know what I wanted to do with it. The possibilities of what it could do were honestly very intriguing, but I don't know if my brain could take it. The first time all that extra information hit me I blacked out from sensory overload. Would some random neurotypical be able to just take it without issues? Would there be some way to drop way down on the intensity? Would Sylph need to alter my brain to adapt to this similar to how she altered her own to adapt to humanity? Would I even want that? Would I still be me?
Part of what made me who I am was the uniqueness of how my brain works. Society would have me think everything different from "normal" within my neurodivergent brain was some aspect of a disability: something that made me other, something lesser. How much of my "disability" was only lacking when measured against a dysfunctional society that ran on trauma and exploitation, and called it progress? How much of my true self was I expected to mask behind hollow "niceties" and "politeness" that are rooted more in status and positioning oneself than in truly compassionate connection and emotional intimacy?
What would her alteration of my brain mean, knowing that generations of disabled and neurodiverse people were attempted to be cured or culled from the population by a long history of eugenics and genocide enacted against us by those in power?
Badger barked at me as I walked past the turn we took to Sylph's clearing. I really do lose myself in thought on these walks. Less thinking, more pasta. I thanked the pupper with some neck scratches, and we headed into the trees towards the grove goddess Sylph.
Emerging into her clearing, it looked mostly the same as last night. There seemed to be several new plants, her beloved biodiversity. A bunch of randomly dispersed wildflowers and ferns were added. Small birds, that had likely been pecking through her garden for insects, flew off as I stepped onto the path. I was welcomed with a glowing puff of spores. I followed the glowing green to the cave as she stepped out, a smile already present on her very pleasant face.
Today she wore a yellow and orange palm tree printed shirt, unbuttoned over a black silk camisole, which was tucked into some 'distressed' loose fitting, bluejeans.
"Sylph, where do you keep getting these clothes?!" My mouth agape over how great she looked in this oddly put together fit.
She giggled at my gawking. "Before I came here, I ordered a bunch of clothes off your internet to a very remote p.o. box." Her smile grew slightly bashful and my heart did a flip at how cute it was. "I've seen fashion topics discussed in all my research, but I never knew how to do it for myself and really didn't see the point in attempting to match any culture's idea of style, especially as I belong to none of them… that and there's a bit of an odd power dynamic between myself and all of humanity." She smirked.
Oh no, there's the smirk again! I was in no control of my blushing. "Well you look very queer… which is a complement! Queer is very good." I was very flustered and had to look down from her gaze, which reminded me I was holding food. "I brought food again!"
"Then I'd be delighted to try it!" Excitement filled her face as she spoke. She walked out to take the bag from me. "You look very queer yourself Mx Marin." She said this with a wink, and her tone... Despite many differences from Lilly's, it did so many similar things to my insides. "Oh, is that an okay way to address you?"
She looked concerned. I must have shifted many things in my face and stance when her address had caused my core to quiver. I was likely bright red when I managed to stammer out, "y… Yeah, that's the one I like of the options I’ve seen." Her fingers had brushed against mine as she took hold of the straps on the bag. I only just then realized I also had to let go and did so reluctantly.
Did I look queer today? I asked myself that question that every queer person frequently asks themselves. I had my curly hair down to one side, the other buzzed, rainbow earrings, my thick rimmed librarian glasses, some very nice red lipstick: yes my head looked queer. Below that I wore a faux leather jacket, formerly belonging to David and was very big on me, over a belted red halter top dress with a very open back. I loved open back dresses, especially in situations where someone might be interested in touching the exposed skin. Below that were red fishnets over black leggings, feet stuffed into some good stompy boots. Yup, the rest of me looked queer, and Sylph thought so too! I squealed a bit internally as Badger and I followed her inside.
Sylph set the food down on her desk as I took off my Jacket and deposited it on the floor. It was chilly enough to cause some goosebumps along my newly exposed arms, shoulders, and back; but not chilly enough to take priority over exposing that skin to Sylph.
“What have you brought me today Marin?”
I indicated for Badger to sit and moved to join her seated on the soft patch of greenery in front of her desk. “It’s a pasta dish that my mother used to make when I was growing up. One of my favorite meals… puttanesca.” I began to regale her with the origins of the dish while setting up. Sylph sat quietly next to me, listening intently. In my occasional glances at her, I found clear delight on her face, encouraging me onward. I flipped my hair playfully in front of my shoulder when I came to opening the wine, hopefully highlighting that there was not much coverage to my dress. I noticed her eyes taking in the muscles on my back and arms as they flexed. Excellent, my seductrix’s wiles are working on her! I unintentionally shivered seconds later at the thought of her eyes, and hopefully later fingers or lips, tracing those muscles. Oof, I’m hopeless if I'm seducing myself more than her.
Sylph had the audacity to giggle at me as I was struggling with both the wine and my attempts to allure her. I felt her warm hand on my shoulder blade and her gleeful voice in my ear. “Are you doing okay Marin?”
If my face weren’t turned away, focused as I was on cork extraction, Sylph would have been giggling even harder at the way my eyes fluttered and rolled back at the feel of her touch and the way she said my name. "Oh… yeah, almost got it." With a last tug, I managed to separate the cork from the bottle, with the bonus of not spilling any on myself. Bashfully I passed her the cork as I retrieved a glass to pour for her. "This is some wine that you can try that'll go well with the food."
Sylph was closely inspecting the cork with her spores as finished setting up her desk for our meal. A glass of wine and a fork each, with a big bowl of pasta between us to share. As soon as I pulled the lid, a wonderful smell floated into the air along with steam off the still warm pasta. The way her attention, which had been focused on the cork, moved swiftly to my cooking validated me in so many ways.
"Ohh my, that smells amazing!" Her eyes lit up as she spoke, staring into the colorful mix of peppers, olives, mushrooms, and red stained, golden noodles.
I demonstrated twirling a fork to gather a spool of spaghetti and took a small taste. Yup, I did good! "Please, try some!"
She set down the cork in exchange for a fork and repeated the twirl for a spool (author note: lol I love this little rhyme thing I stumbled into), then cast some spores upon it. I waited, savoring my next bite, as she closed her eyes to make sure she was compatible with the meal. It only took a moment before she tasted it. A low moan was her response and I couldn't help but bounce excitedly on my thighs and smile as giddy energy filled me. Being able to bring sounds like that out of her through just my cooking! I began pondering all the other things I wanted to try to generate similar noises in her, but that line of thought was cut short as she leaned forward to kiss my cheek.
"Marin, this is wonderful! Thank you so much for sharing this with me." I could swear the greenish skin was more purple than normal as my attention was pulled from fantasy back to her face.
Is she blushing? I was certainly blushing at that moment. My grin only grew wider and my bouncing more energetic. "I'm really glad you like it." After settling some, I continued. "You've shared so much about yourself and your people with me… I wanted to do the same for you. It didn't feel like you have experienced much of humanity first hand, and I thought you might want to… and that made me want to help you do that."
Her skin grew even more violet, yes she was definitely blushing. "Well if your efforts continue along these lines, I'm going to have plenty of resources stored up within me for the colder months to come." She smiled warmly at me and placed a hand on my upper arm. "Anything you think to share with me will be welcomed and appreciated!" Sylph's large glistening eyes moved to where her hand rested near my shoulder. Her touch drifted slowly down my skin, electrified goosebumps of sensation radiated from the contact, but with a look I couldn't quite parse she brought her hand back to her lap.
Partly out of concern for her expression, partly out of the loss of her touch, I asked, "Sylph… uh, you had a thought, or something shifted in you. What was it?"
She sighed and collected herself before speaking. "I find myself... wanting… desiring things from you… Attention, experiences, proximity, touch, connection… but I feel…" She paused, a thoughtful look on her face that I'd come to greatly appreciate. That look on hers while mine flushed profusely at what she just said. Sylph continued despite the implications I was left floundering to consider. "I feel barriers I have never had between myself and another I sought exchange or communication with."
Sylph wiggled side to side and sat more upright, gazing off at nothing in particular. "Speaking to you, through language… there is a wealth of nuance that can be found within language... the shifting of syntax, word choice, tone and many other non-verbal aspects of the speaker; can completely alter the concepts and intentions being shared… and those concepts and intentions can be perceived in ways that the speaker can't even comprehend without a shared understanding of context with the listener. It is all so very beautiful in it's inefficiency.
"The sharing of concepts between individuals and within the consensus of my people is very efficient, specific, and accurate. Concept, intent, and context all shared in a moment resulting in perfect understanding between a pair, or across the collective." She paused for a deep breath, "I don't have this with you." She looked directly into my eyes, hers were wide, deep, and golden. "I love speaking with you with this beautiful, nuanced, imperfect thing called language…" she flushed indigo and violet as she continued. "That should be obvious from how much I talk when we are together, butI find myself wanting... desiring that deeper connection my people have as well…" A mournful sigh escaped her lips as she turned away. "...but the path to that places a pressure on me to resolve the circumstances of our first meeting. A meeting which still is connected to guilt within me, and a pressure I don't want to place upon you… a pressure to become no longer completely human."
I placed my hand on her knee and squeezed gently. "Firstly, I can see how that would be weighing on you, but I'm pretty confident we can work through that together... Second, fuck Sylph! You really just crashed through all the remaining barriers I had of anxiety not allowing me to be sure if you were really interested in me in that way!" I playfully shoved her shoulder, her antlered head wobbled and her face set itself in a look of shock. All I could do was giggle in response "Maybe warn me next time you are going to crush a bunch of my insecurities so thoroughly?" The look of shock remained, and despite its immense cuteness, I needed to do something about that. "I'm going to kiss you now, nod if that's okay?" I took her wrist in mine.
Her mouth closed, but her eyes got wider. Sylph nodded.
I used her wrist as leverage to lean in and pull her close. I placed her hand on my shoulder as a threaded my free hand through the hair behind her head. I closed my eyes as I guided our lips to meet. She actually whimpered as they did, which sent so many different desires through me. I went with the particularly fun choice of capturing her lower lip between my teeth for a quick nibble before pulling away. "That was a very lovely noise you made there, one I would greatly desire to hear more of, but..."
As if on queue, I did. Her beautiful eyes fluttering open, filled with longing and confusion as to why I stopped.
I softly stroked her cheek and placed my thumb over her lips before continuing. "...I feel we have several things we should actually resolve so that any… desires we give into have freedom to play out. Can't have any pesky guilt or shame to get in the way now can we?"
The look on her face at that moment was priceless.
Your content warning here feels like a good model for similar notes we should make on our own story.