Nothing made any sense to Meiko.
What her mother was doing didn't make any sense. How Toshi reacted didn't make any sense. Why she was here didn't make any sense. Nothing made any sense no matter how she tried to think this through. On top of that, the most beautiful boy she had ever met was throwing himself at her. The boy who in only two days had completely thrown her entire world into chaos, making up into down and left into rhubarb.
But greener.
Yet here she was, alone with the brother of her best friend in the dark in the middle of nowhere. She reached out to gently touch his hair, pushing it to the side and letting the back of her hand gently pass over his forehead in the process. His pale skin was absolutely luminescent in the moonlight. Her calm, sane, normal, boring life where every day was the same as every other day was forever destroyed by this magical boy whom she had fallen in love with.
This magical boy.
She abruptly sat up.
~I am in love with him.~
She let out a short bark of laughter.
Toshi blinked and looked confused.
It took a minute, but as she stared down at this impossible boy who dropped into her life and shattered everything, she couldn't help but realized that he was exactly what she had always wanted. She wanted something special to happen. For all the years she spent trying hard to be normal, to figure out what normal was, to just get by and follow all the rules, here was an answer to the prayer that she never had to the courage to actually pray. She couldn't even voice that prayer, even now.
She just knew that she wanted her life to change.
Meiko looked around and spotted the soft glow of her phone. As she lifted it, the light flared, illuminating the area. She stood up with a massive grin and offered him her hand, "Then let us get going."
Completely confused, Toshi slowly reached up to take her hand. She pulled him to his feet, in the process his face came within inches of hers. There was a moment where it felt like she was about to kiss him. Instead she turned and started leading him through the scrub brush, "This way. I can see the lights of the petrol station."
Toshi had no idea how to react, and thus let himself get led away.
She took him back to the van and opened the passenger side door for him. She held it open and waited for him to get inside. Toshi eyed her in confusion, then quietly climbed inside, whereupon she closed the door behind him. With a massive grin on her face, she walked around to the driver's side and got in. She had just put the keys in the ignition and turned the van on when Toshi finally spoke.
"What's happening?"
Meiko looked at him, "I'm taking you home."
Toshi shook his head, "Hold it. You. I. We..." He squinted, "Wait."
Meiko nodded and waited, just looking at him with that soft smile on her face.
Toshi just stared at her, eventually asking, "Why are you smiling?"
She looked confused for a second, then reached up to touch her own lips, "I'm smiling?" She burst out in a bright, cheerful laugh then grinned even more, "I guess I am." She turned her attention back to Toshi, "I guess it's because I'm happy."
Toshi rubbed his face, "Hold it. I..." He frowned, "Did... I not make myself clear?"
She nodded, "I assume you are talking about how you offered your body to me to use as I desire."
Toshi's jaw dropped open, then he turned away to compose himself. He nodded as he looked out the window, "I... guess. Yes? That."
Meiko reached over to cup Toshi's chin and make him turn to face her. As soon as he facer her, she kissed him deeply. Toshi's eyes went wide with surprise, then half closed as he relaxed into it. Abruptly she pulled away and grinned from ear to ear as she put a finger on his lips, "I'm in love with you, my magical boy." Toshi's eyes became dinner plates as she continued.
"You have completely destroyed my world. Nothing makes any sense anymore. You have no idea how tempted I was to take you and..." Her smile softened as she cleared her throat before continuing, "I know this, you said you trusted me." She continued smiling, but a sadness was clear in her eyes, "But you didn't say you loved me."
Toshi didn't have a response.
"I think... you are scared. I think... you trust me enough to tell me your secrets. I think... you are desperate for someone to protect you from whatever is going on and you offered the only thing you thought I might want in hopes of making sure I wouldn't abandon you." She tilted her head to the side as she gave Toshi a reassuring half smile.
Toshi felt a shaft of guilt shoot directly through his heart. He turned to look away, unable to meet her gaze
She cupped his chin and pulled him back to face her again. It took some coaxing to get him to look her in the eye, "It's okay!" She smiled in as reassuring a way as she could, "It'll be okay. I don't want..." She glanced down briefly, "That, unless it's given to me...out of love." She pulled back to regard him quietly, "Why am I smiling? Because you might not love me, but you trust me, and that's a start."
She thought for a moment, "Because I feel strong? Stronger than I ever have. I feel like I could take on anything and it's because you trust me." She began to nod slowly, more to herself than for Toshi's benefit, "I'll keep you safe, because it's the right thing, not because I want... you." She took his hand and gave it a squeeze, "Because you make me happy. "
"I... make you happy?"
She nodded and grinned ever wider, "Yup! You have completely upended my entire world! Nothing makes sense!" She kept nodding her head, "And I love you." She looked from side to side as if to confirm this to herself then looked back at Toshi, "You make me happy, just being here."
Toshi stared at his hand in hers and couldn't find words. He just moved his mouth for a bit then looked up at her. Abruptly he pulled his hand away to hold over his heart. He stared at his own chest for a while, "I have no idea how I feel. I feel something. I don't know..." He looked up, "What if I never love you?"
She shrugged, "That... would be regrettable, but that's not how love works. You don't NEED to love me, for me to love you. If you never feel anything for me, that's fine. You are still someone I adore and I'll do everything I can to protect you. You don't owe me anything, magical boy." She took a deep breath then returned her attention to the van. Without another word, they backed up, turned around, and headed back out to the highway.
They continued their return trip to Tokyo.
Toshi kept clutching his heart for a long, long time.
Work is insane. We've had multiple call ins. People just not showing up. I'm working like 60+ hours a week. Two weeks ago I put in 95.5 hours in a single pay week. Not pay PERIOD. Week. They just called to try to mandate me to another location when I got to tell them. "They already called in for the next shift. I'm looking at working for 36 hours straight. I'm sorry someone else is getting stuck for 22 hours in a row. MY HEART BLEEDS FOR THEM." I just can't find much time to do proof reading like I used to, much less write, So I'm giving this warning:
Expect the quality to suffer for a while.
However, I've also been meaning to get HKN going again, at least use up the chapters I have in backlog. I don't really think the manga thing is going to work out. It's taken too long to get replies to my concerns, and I will not allow anyone to use my name unless I have final say on the product. I sold my name once and I still haven't lived down the humiliation. It is how I see it, or it won't be published. I can make compromises, but the FINAL product requires my approval. The last time I sold my name, the book was horrible and the critics destroyed it. Ironically, the parts the editor didn't change, were the only parts the critics liked.
All that is going to sound strange when I tell you this next part.
Right now I have been publishing 1 chapter every 2 days, alternating between IWS and FTS. That means each story gets 1 chapter every 4 days. I plan on upgrading this to 1 chapter per day, alternating between all 3 stories. So, IWS and FTS will actually be increasing from 1 chapter every 4 days to 1 every 3. I plan on starting this on oct 1st. I picked a hell of a time to commit to this, considering my free time has been going into the toilet, but I have enough of a backlog that I think I can safely increase the publication rate, at least for a while. If it's unsustainable, I'll let you know.
It might sound odd, but I feel not having a high pressure deadline has actually begun to affect the quality of my work. Going slow seems to have given me writers block.
That all said, I am thinking eventually I will need to take a break for a month or three. Clear my head, that sort of thing. I'm hoping to do that when I finally get book 2 of FTS done. We're in the home stretch for that one. As for FTS, well, A whole lot of crap is coming together all at once. Many many MANY issues will be resolved by the end of book two.
All three stores have a fundamental issue I'm addressing and the three stories are contrasting a different aspect of that issue. When I catch up with HKN and finish Book 2 of FTS, I plan on explaining the whole thing and I hope it will spark a discussion. You can tell me if I answered the question right. Honestly, I'm not sure, but Hey, It's my first attempt. We'll see.
Don't worry if you don't understand where this is all going just yet. I will make it all clear in the afterword and then you can tell me if I succeeded or failed. And please be honest. Failure is the best teacher, after all. And when I've finished all the stories in this series, (years from now) I hope to go back and re-write them all into a more cohesive whole.
So the road map for the next few months: Clear out the back log on HKN, Finish FTS, Fuck around with IWS, take a break around Christmas, then start up again in Feb.
- Bob
Still more than a bit confused about Toshi's erratic behavior.
I get that meeting with the other girl who flipped, and also had a strong soul seemed to have attracted some extra dimensional baddies, thus the car chase.
I assume the phrase 'I trust you implicitly' is some kind of safety release that allowed the angel to borrow Toshi's soul power with a hand through the chest to put up a defense or run away from whatever the aforementioned meeting attracted.
It has been hinted more than once that Meiko's mom is trying to push her onto Toshi, was behind the birth control, maybe has some link to angels/gods trying to get Toshi to have a kid and maybe share his soul power with the world more or something....and Meiko is kinda caught in the middle after having a rough family life as a child. That makes Toshi's decision on whether to run from her, help her, or get help from her an interesting one.
What utterly and completely baffles me is why Toshi throws himself at Meiko when he's with Naora in the kind of behavior he's lectured other flippers about. So much of his character was trying to uphold his personal views of a relationship. Why would he repeat the phrase 'I trust you implicitly' when confronted by Meiko....is he caught in a dream loop or something? Did he think she was with the angels?
"I think... you are scared. I think... you trust me enough to tell me your secrets. I think... you are desperate for someone to protect you from whatever is going on and you offered the only thing you thought I might want in hopes of making sure I wouldn't abandon you." She tilted her head to the side as she gave Toshi a reassuring half smile
Who tf is she talking about? I get this is a flipped gender roles world, but since when did Toshi change his mind and personality and start embodying it? I would normally chalk it up to Meiko just assuming Toshi is like other guys on the inside...but no he's been acting like bit*h. What happened to the guy who jumped in front of a bullet with super powers, played dumb and acted to fool a crime family in person and then again remotely during the money discussion?
The specific answer is chapter 25b, scheduled for Oct 17th.
Do you want spoilers?
Well, let's see what I can say without giving everything away.
The original Toshi died calling himself Oh Toshi. The Isekai Toshi was originally called Sato Toshi. There is also a Sato Toshi in reverse world, but let us ignore him for now.
What is memory?
In the story, it does not exist in the brain. We have established this with the fact that Sato Toshi came over with his entire life intact. Oh Toshi's brain was trashed. All memory centers GONE. Yet, somehow, Sato Toshi keeps having flashes of Oh Toshi's life. I have an entire essay describing the nature of the soul and it's parts, I just have not found a good place to include it. But we have established that souls are made of Memetic Energy, and such energy, by it's implication, is made up of thoughts, memories...
Memes.
The human soul is the container for "you". Your mind. Your personality. Your thoughts. Your feelings. YOU. The mind is more of the means by which your soul interacts with your body. The more you live, the more you "Experience" (Hint hint) the more your soul 'grows', although there is a hidden mechanic I have not explained yet.
As someone with progressive memory loss. I know exactly how much your personality shifts when you forget certain events. Implicit Vrs Explicit memories. Created thoughts compared to lived experience. Of the two, Explicit Memories define you.
So what would happen if I dumped my childhood fears into your mind? My fear of heights. My fear of Dogs. My Fear of Pie. All three fears had a specific event that created the knee jerk terror that I would experience when encountering these things. Yet, as my mind has deleted these core events, I become... hollow. Dull. I can experience fear, but I no longer remember ever being afraid. My emotional pallet has been covered with white paint and everything mixed together until there is nothing but uniformity.
Take away these foundational events, the personality degrades and fades into a homogenized grey nothing. Take those same events and stick it into your mind, what would happen to you? How would you deal with suddenly having a feeling of terror at the very sight of apple pie?
Who would you be, if all my strongest childhood events appeared in your mind?
Sato Toshi has had flashbacks to Oh Toshi's life. When that happens, Toshi has always Passed out. However, this last time, he did not. What Changed? Up until very recently, there has been a clear demarcation between Sato Toshi and Oh Toshi. Does it still exist? When the angel took over, Toshi blacked out. He did not black out for the latest Oh Toshi flash back. What does this imply?
All of this, I have already explained. Everything means something. I rarely include 'fluff'. I have told you everything. I have even told you how the story will end. I have told you what Sato Toshi is. I have told you why.
I just didn't put it all in one place.
I didn't include the questions.
Ask the right question, and the answer should be obvious.
@TheEldritchGod Thank you for the explanation. After going back and looking at the beginning chapters again I think I crossed isekai origins with another story in my mind, leading me to assume Toshi had more of his memories. Besides that, a reframe of psychotic break instead of just yet another supernatural danger does much to explain things of why Toshi is so out of character from his past actions leading up to this point.
I knew it was coming, but I guess I still wasn't prepared for the story transition from morality/psychological thought experiment, to part of a larger story with other actors and motivations. I was almost looking for a moral to the story, as a lot of the flippers' situations lend themselves to anecdotes to explore social roles in the flipped world. I'm getting out of that mindset and will now just enjoy the ride.
@BDF2 - I kinda hate to spoil it, but you aren't the only one asking what's going on. I think the problem is that it's too slow to update. Some parts of this story benefits from the slow chapter upload speed. Some parts suffer and will look better when you can binge read it. If I was to rewrite this, there are quite a few changes I would make to the overall style, but that's because things have changed over time. It feels like the tonal shift is off, but then again, I started this on a lark. It's grown far beyond the original 'joke'.
(I hope updating very 3 days starting in Oct will help.)
And I will also point out you are right about one observation. How people view Toshi is not how Toshi is.
Maybe it's my own bias, but from the romance stories I have studied in this Genre, there is always this 'romanticized' image of the Female MC from the MLs. This is the 'Otome Book', after all. So I am including many of these 'tropes' that I have seen in the various stories. They see the MC as 'angelic', even if it is never outwardly stated. There is an In Story reason for this BTW. (Another reason why the angels really didn't start to play a part in things until Book 2)
I have a feeling they seem a bit disjointed because we are used to seeing it done to women, but when it is done to the Male Lead, it looks wrong. It FEELS wrong. And I have to admit, it is difficult to write sometimes. I have deleted entire chapters because I realized, "Damn. I wrote it 'correct'. I need to reverse everything."
It is amazing how much of this is ingrained into you.
But yeah, I do think this through. I also admit sometimes I screw up and have to fix things. I'm not perfect, but the attempt is there. Sometimes I am a bit too subtle. I think. I should have included the essay on the nature of the soul sooner. I think things would have made more sense.
The problem is, Book 2 is already running WAY too long. I lost track of book length and I put in too much. So a whole bunch of sh*t is going down all at once, because I really can't put it off any more.
I also refuse to rush things, so it will happen as it should, but I really don't have any more room for 'side stories' at this point. It's all main plot and the important plot points from now on. Alas, This is really only the wrap up of Act 2. We've got one more act to go.