The mansion is burning. The wooden walls, the decorative furniture, the green green gardens outside, all of it is burning. So naturally, I played a game. I'm playing one with Merry right now, who we recovered from the tree she was stuck in with the help of the few demons still alive. Wings sure are convenient, huh.

The game has us try to hit things to earn points. Points are dependent on what we hit. One point if we hit the mansion itself, two points if we hit something from inside the mansion, three points if we hit something that isn't on fire somehow, four points if we hit a tentacle, and a bonus points for the tentacle if it lets go of whatever it was holding. I'm using my throwing knives since I have too many of those, while Merry is using some magic she was taught and/or cursed to use by demons.

Mel is currently in the lead since all she's done is hit the tentacles with her light arrows. She claims she isn't playing our game, though, saying she's just trying to kill the tentacle demon. Speedy is running about in the mansion, trying to salvage whatever she can. By the way, if Speedy is hit, that's ten whole points. I'm trying to hit her, and I can tell she's getting pissed at me since every time she stops, she gives me an angry expression. Perfecto. Merida is still lying facedown on the floor. I don't know if it's because she's knocked out or crying.

We've been going at this game for an hour or so, the tentacle monster is very resilient. It's been lit on fire, stabbed, shot at, blasted at, rapidly punched, and scathed by hot hot soup, and yet it's still actively grabbing things. It has tried to grab us, but we're too far from it, and Speedy is too fast for it. Thinking about it, couldn't we have gotten Speedy to go fetch someone who can take care of this? Eh, whatever.

We were busy firing away at the tentacles when Speedy suddenly stopped in front of us. Obviously, I tried firing at her. Gotta get that sweet, sweet ten points. Unfortunately, she dodged it all.

"Hey guys, is that a dragon flying towards us?"

We all turned around to see that there was indeed a dragon flying towards us. The few demons that were still alive immediately scrammed, some running deep into the forest, others teleporting away. Merry fainted, Mel sighed then sat down and pulled out a sandwich, and Speedy was nowhere to be seen after confirming it was a dragon. I'd like to run away as well. Merida is still knocked out. Well, this was a fun adventure.

"Hey Mel."

"What?"

"I love you."

"I already knew that."

"Can I say my regrets?"

"Is it that you didn't get to fuck a daughter?"

"How do you know that?"

"You mutter about it in your sleep."

"You listen to my sleep mutterings?"

"Uhh… no."

"Oh, okay."

In all of its shiny white glory, the dragon hovered above the ground before us. On top of the dragon were three figures. An average looking adventurer male in between an elf with the biggest bow on her back and a catgirl wearing an oversized cloak.

"Hey Mel."

"What?"

"Do dragons usually have people atop them?"

"Sometimes. We might either have a dragon rider or a protagonist-like person here."

"I hope it's a dragon rider. They're cool."

"Me too. Protagonist-like people suck."

"Is it because of Side Character?"

"No, just personal grudges."

"Oh."

The three jumped off the dragon, which had landed, and walked over to greet us.

"Huh… guess I'll appraise that huge mess first." He looked at the burning mansion, then made a wide-eyed face. "Girls, this is one wild find. Those tentacles over there are fragments of the Kraken. Since we're safe from here, I'll have you two fire at it to kill it and gain EXP while I appraise the girls here to see if they need healing. Got it?" The two nodded, then started attacking the tentacles. Did they just join our game?

He walked over to Merida and kneeled down, putting his hand to his chin. Looking at the weapon on his back… it's a weapon. "Hmm… guess I'll look at the elf first. Merida Sicht… sounds familiar. Oh yeah, the Seer. This is oddly convenient. Ah, so she has the All Seeing Eye Sacred Power. Definitely the Seer. She's not damaged. I guess I can leave her there." 

He then walked over to Merry and kneeled down. "Merry Deimos… the Summoner. I thought he was under the Demon Empress… and also a he. Whatever, I'll just claim his bounty later since I know he's here now. Onto the… I guess the Maid."

He walked over to me. "Hello there."

"I don't care about your dialogue. Madeleine… ah, must be the runaway maid of that Empress. Hmm… I could hand her in… I'd rather not help the obvious antagonist, though. Whatever… and Side Note… what the fuck is that? Probably not important. Man… there sure is a lot of content randomly in the middle of this forest."

He walked over to Mel. I feel like he just said something terrible, but I can't actually compute what he said. Then again, I have to actually be listening to what he was saying. "Melanie Arcus… not the weirdest name I've seen. Oh, ranger of the hero party. So you went off with the maid… guess I have to hand them in. Sacred Power holder… why are there so many here? Called Side Character… and also a reincarnator… possibly a party member… I already have a ranger, though. Could always swap out." I looked at Mel to see her reaction. She's just apathetically eating her sandwich, not even acknowledging his existence. He walked a bit away, then started pacing to and fro, his hand still stuck to his chin.

"Hey Mel."

"What?"

"That guy was weird."

"I guess. A shame he forgot about the golden rule."

"Golden rule?"

"Those who think they're important often tend to not be."

"That seems like really good life advice."

"Okay, I've got it. Side Character, I'll be taking you to my mansion. Maid, I'll be taking you to the Empress. I'll just leave those two down there. I can always do their questlines later."

"Are you saying you're spli-"

"I said it before. I don't care about your dialogue."

"Hey Mel."

"What?"

"Can I kick him?"

"Go for it, champ."

I jumped up and kicked him right in the face. This caught him off guard, and he staggered towards the mansion, past the girls he brought. He rubbed the part of his face I kicked, then glared at me, before suddenly a tentacle wrapped around his waist. It felt like time had stopped as he looked at the tentacle, then at his girls, then at Mel and I, where we made eye contact. Does this distance really count?

Appraisal You can use Appraisal. Side Note: Isekai Protag's best friend. Probably also the best girl.

Apparently, it does. I stopped looking at the Side Note to look back at the bloke, where he still stood as if time froze. It felt like a moment before he truly took in the situation and said, "Oh… I was that type of reincarnator. Huh… funny." 

The tentacle dragged him into the burning mansion, the two girls running after him in a futile attempt before the mansion suddenly exploded, sending them back towards us. Mel caught the elf while I caught the catgirl. Ooh… I like the tail.

"I'm awake!" Mel and I looked to see who said that and found Merida sitting up. "Oh… it wasn't a dream."

"Yeah, your mansion just exploded."

"Noted. Oh, that white dragon over there. I recognize it. It's the steed of the Insane Hero."

"Insane Hero?"

"A hero who babbles about incomprehensible terms for those native to this world. I assume his words made sense to you, Mel."

"I guess it did."

"If his dragon is here, I assume those two are his companions, correct?"

"Righto."

"Then where is he?"

Mel pointed at the remains of the mansion.

"Oh, a shame." She stood up and dusted her clothes. "Grab the companions and Merry and load them onto the dragon."

"Why?"

"We shall be taking his mansion for ourselves."

---

Character profile: David the Insane

Sacred power: Appraisal

Times dialogue was skipped: 153 times

Description: A reincarnator born with Appraisal, of course he thought he was the main character. Especially with how often he found himself in weird situations and the fact he had Appraisal! Appraisal! The staple Isekai cheat! Unfortunately for him, he reincarnated into the world of Mendass, where golems are appliances, San Francisco was recreated entirely, and lemons don't exist despite every other Earth fruit existing. The narrative was never in his favour since this isn't your usual fantasy ordeal. That and characters who think they're the main character are never the main character. It's probably because of the latter thing.

Chapter namesake: Burning Down The House by Talking Heads