I thought I could do it. I really thought I could last the day and be there for her. I mean, it’s such a simple thing to do, right? Be by Blake’s side, supporting her, happy for her. Even vicariously living through her. All I had to do was keep my head down, smile a lot, hug her when she needed hugs, and pretend like nothing was the matter.

Instead I lasted exactly one class period.

It was just too much. Blake coming out to everyone was scary, but then they were all just… incredibly accepting. The whole class applauded. People clapped and congratulated her as she went to sit back down. It was all smiles and tears and support and love. It was more than either of us could have hoped for.

But it was also just too much. After class, people kept stopping by her desk to congratulate her and tell her how brave she was. Some girls even asked her if she needed any help learning how to do some things. Seeing all of that, seeing all the support she was getting, seeing everything that I wanted. I just. I had to leave.

So after some mumbled excuses about needing to use the bathroom, I now find myself moving as far as I can from Blake and the going ons of her successful coming out. By the time I reach the front of the school building I start to feel the tears on my cheeks. I know I have more classes, but I just don’t care anymore. I need to get away from all of this. I run outside, take a few steps, and then promptly bump into someone. 

“Hey, watch where you’re… Angel?”

I look up to see the curious expression of Theo looking back at me. “Dude, are you crying?” he asks, a very slight amount of concern evident in his voice.

I don’t really have the patience or time to deal with Theo right now. “Sorry, Theo, I need to go, I can’t talk right now.”

“Wait, but, you do realize there’s classes going on right now, right?”

“Does it really look like I care about that at the moment?!” I snap back angrily. “Also if those are so important, why are you getting to school late anyways? Obviously that means you don’t actually care as much either.”

Theo is quiet after that. He looks me over, his face somber and expressionless. Then he closes his eyes and sighs. “It’s about Blake, isn’t it?”

I’m stunned. “I. What? No, no it’s not.”

“You’re jealous, aren’t you? Of her, I mean.”

I nearly throw up into my mouth from horror. How is he catching this? I thought I was being more careful than this! I mean, sure, I guess running out of school crying isn’t exactly helping keep my closet door securely shut, but other than that there’s no way he should be figuring any of this out.

“It’s okay, you know. I don’t blame you,” he adds. He crosses his arms and opens his eyes back up. The look in them is pained. “Look, maybe we should talk.”

“I don’t have anything to talk about, Theo. I’m not ‘jealous’ of Blake, that’s ridiculous.”

“No, what’s ridiculous is you seriously thinking I’ll believe that.”

“Theo, I’m not--”

“I’m jealous too,” he interrupts, his voice quiet. 

I feel like my heart stops in my chest. “Wh-what did you just say?” I stammer out.

“Not here. I don’t want to talk about this here.” He looks over his shoulder as some more students walk by back into the building. “It’s too exposed.” He turns around and starts walking away from the school. I stand there, watching him, and after a few seconds he looks back at me and gestures for me to follow. “Well? Are you really just going to stand there?”

This is crazy. Theo? Jealous of Blake? Just like me? I mean, I guess it explains some of the vibes I’ve been getting from him lately, but it’s still a shock. But do I really want to talk to him about all of this? 

“Look, Angel, you can either stand there like a deer caught in headlights or you can follow me so we can actually talk this shit out.”

Theo’s words shake me out of my stupor, at least for the moment, and I hurry to follow after him. Together we walk in silence. Theo leads the way and I keep stealing glances around to see where we’re going and trying to read his body language. He seems tense, which makes sense for obvious reasons. Or… she seems tense? Fuck, what is even going on? As much as this makes some amount of sense it also brings up a lot of other questions too. Like how did I go for so long without realizing this?

The more we walk, the more I realize that I don’t really know where we’re going. Before I know it we’re walking into some woods not too far from the school and down a dirt path that doesn’t look much used. I want to ask Theo where they’re taking me, but I get the feeling I’d just get some curt reply. We get deeper and deeper into the woods, away from the sounds of traffic and civilization. 

“Okay, we’re here,” Theo finally says. I look around to see we’ve stopped at a small clearing set up with some junk. There’s a couple of old dirty-looking lawn chairs, a small fire pit, some thin wood sheets set up in the branches as makeshift roofs from rain. Theo goes behind one of the trees and pulls around a cooler. They sit on a lawn chair and open it up, reaching in to pull out a can of soda. Popping it open, they gesture at another chair next to them. “Sit.”

I dust off the chair and carefully sit down on it. It feels creaky and like it could break if I’m not too careful. “Want a drink?” they ask. I shake my head. “Alright, suit yourself.”

“Theo, what is this place?” I ask, curiously looking around. “Is this like a hideout of yours or something?”

Theo nods and drinks from their soda. “Yeah. I come out here sometimes when I need to get away from everyone. Everything here is just some old junk I found lying around or that people were gonna throw out. Well, except for the soda. I bought that myself.”

“How come you’ve never taken me here before? Or any of our friends for that matter?”

Theo scoffs. “Remember the part about this being where I come when I want to be alone?”

“Fine, fine.” I lean back into the chair and sigh. “Let’s just talk about what you said earlier.” I look up at him and ask what’s been eating at me the whole walk over here. “You’re… jealous of Blake?”

Theo stays quiet, looking at the ground. Then they nod and look back up to me. “Yeah.”

“Is it… Do you, um.” I rub my hand through my hair nervously. “Are you jealous because you want to be a girl too?”

Theo just looks at their soda can. “Sorta. Yeah. I think so?”

“I mean, you know, it’s okay if you do.”

Theo sighs. “That’s debatable.”

I want to argue, but I slouch down and nod in agreement. “Yeah, there are definitely some pros and cons to wanting that.”

Theo takes another sip from their drink. “I’ve tried thinking it out, you know? Like, ever since you and Blake walked out of the back room in film club after Blake had transformed.” 

“Is that why you were kind of a dick? Because you were jealous?”

Theo laughed. “Yeah, a little.”

I smile. “I can forgive you a bit more then. That’s understandable.” I cross my arms over my chest. “So… what have you been thinking about?”

“Just why I’d be jealous in the first place, mostly.” He finishes his drink and tosses the can to his side into a plastic bag that I see is full of other cans like it. “On one hand, it could explain why I’ve been into gender bender manga and TGTF stories for basically my entire life. And why I know so much about online trans spaces.”

I tilt my head. “TGTF?”

“It’s short for transgender transformations. Just a subgenre of fiction on the Internet. Mostly it’s art and stories about people changing from one gender to another.” Theo sighs. “Or well, more like their bodies’ sexual characteristics and physical build changing. You can’t really ‘change’ someone’s gender, since that’s all mental and everything. But that’s semantics and gender theory for the most part and it’s just easier to say people are changing gender.”

I stare blankly at Theo, my eyes blinking a few times. “Um… what? There’s fiction like that on the Internet?”

Theo looks back at me like I asked the stupidest question they’d ever heard. “Uh… yeah? You mean you’ve never seen or read anything like that before?”

“Nope. Didn’t even know that existed.”

“Wow.” Theo holds the bridge of their nose and sighs. “Well, I guess there’s an outlier for even trans stereotypes.”

“What do you mean? And who said I’m trans?”

Theo frowns. “Angel, come on. It’s obvious that you’ve been jealous of everything that’s happened to Blake in the last month. Plus you left school today crying out of how bad you wanted to have what she has?”

I slouch and look down at the ground sullenly. “Yeah, alright, you got me.”

“Yeah, you haven’t exactly been hiding it all that well. Or well, I guess maybe you have and I’m just more easily able to notice those kinds of things, since I don’t think any of our other friends have picked up on it yet.”

I nod. “Hopefully they don’t then. I don’t really want anyone to know.”

“Why not? It’s pretty obvious Blake would be supportive, and I’m sure the rest of our friends would.”

“Because… it just wouldn’t be the same.” I can feel the tears on my cheeks again and wipe some off. “Blake got it easy, you know? She got to have her perfect body in an instant. For me, I’d have to go through hormones and regular transition, which would take years, and even then I doubt I’d ever look as good as she does.”

Theo nods sadly. “Yeah. I get that. That's why I’m jealous too.” They reach over and pop another soda. “Can’t you just do what Blake did to transform though?”

“Ha! I wish. Sadly I can’t go ahead and kiss myself.”

Suddenly Theo’s eyes light up and they lean forward. “Wait, so then, that day in the backroom… you said you and Blake kissed. Was the kiss what transformed her?!”

I nod, smiling weakly. “Yep. Kissing me is what transformed Blake.”

Theo slumps backwards into their chair and looks me over as if seeing me in a whole new light. “Wow. Damn.” They drink from their soda. “That’s gotta fucking suck for you. Like, you’re the reason Blake got to have her wonderful transformation, yet here you are stuck with the rest of us.”

I frown. “Thanks Theo. Really doing a good job of making me feel better there.” 

Theo shamefully looks away from me. “Sorry. Not trying to rub it in there. Just, it makes sense why you’d be as jealous as you are now. Like, way beyond whatever I’m feeling.”

Despite the fact that they kinda rubbed it right in my face, the fact that Theo is able to understand that is actually an immense relief. Just having someone to finally talk about all this with is enough to make me want to spill everything I’m feeling. “I just want it so fucking bad, you know? And every day I get to see her there, enjoying it, living the life I want. And I can’t ever have that!” A small sob escapes my lips and I wipe away some more tears from my eyes. “It hurts so much. Just as much as the dysphoria, even. And I hate it. I hate that I’m jealous of all of this in the first place. I just want to be there for her and be happy for her, but instead all I feel is this painful longing.”

I lose myself to my sorrow and grief for a moment, letting the tears flow as they come. It feels good to let it all out. I’m glad I can finally tell someone. Holding this burden alone has been more than I could bear for a while.

Then to my surprise I feel Theo wrap their arms around me in a hug.

“Hey. It’s okay. I get it. Really, I do.”

I hug them back and sob some more. “You do?”

“Yeah, definitely,” Theo nods. “You think I like being an asshole or standoffish all the time? I hate it. I hate this like… persona I’ve developed over the years. I hate having to be this all the time. I hate myself.”

I sniffle and hug them tighter. “Why are you then? Why don’t you just be different?”

“You think it’s that easy?” Theo laughs bitterly. “I don’t know why I’m like this. Maybe it’s how I was raised. The communities I found on the Internet. Maybe I’m just fucking broken.”

I nod. “Maybe I’m broken too, for not being able to just be supportive of Blake instead of this fucking envious mess of a human I am.”

Theo squeezes me, pulling back a bit and looking me in the eyes. “Then let’s be broken together.” Then, before I know it, their lips are on mine, both of us locked into a kiss.

For a moment I close my eyes and lean into it. Theo’s lips feel soft, and their body warm, and it’s nice to be close to someone who understands what I’m going through like this.

Then I realize that I’m kissing Theo and sharply pull away. “Theo, what the fuck?”

Theo let’s go of me and staggers backwards. “Shit, I’m sorry, I--”

“I can’t, we can’t, like, what?!”

“Sorry, I just thought that we were--”

“I’m with Blake, Theo! I, oh god, what if she finds out that we--”

Theo walks over to a tree and slams their fist on it. They look over themselves and I hear a choked sob. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Fuck. It didn’t even work anyways. And I might’ve fucked things up for us and, fuck!”

“What do you mean? What didn’t work?”

“It’s nothing, I--”

“No, tell me right now! What didn’t work?!”

“I kissed you because I like you, okay?” Theo yells, spinning around, eyes wet with tears. “And also because I -- I thought that maybe I’d transform like Blake did after kissing you!”

I feel my heart nearly stop in my chest. “You… like me? And… you thought kissing me would transform you?”

“Yeah, like, you said all Blake did was kiss you and I thought maybe it was like you were magic or something, but obviously it must be some sort of true love thing and you two are meant for each other or something and just, fuck!”

“No, no, that’s not it, it doesn’t work like that!”

Theo collapses back into their chair and keeps crying. “Fuck, why didn’t it work? Why aren’t I good enough?”

“No, Theo, it’s not about you, okay? Blake changed because her family has a curse that transforms boys whenever they kiss girls! That’s it!”

Theo looks up at me, stunned. “Wait, seriously, that’s what it was? What kind of curse is that? And why would it work on Blake if she’s a girl?”

“I, um… I don’t know. Maybe it’s based on assigned gender?”

“I doubt magic works like that. I refuse to believe that.” Theo stands back up and picks up their backpack. “Sorry, nevermind, this is stupid, I need to just get out of here.”

“Theo, wait!” I reach out and put a hand on Theo’s arm, but they brush me off.

“I won’t tell Blake, okay? I don’t want to ruin your relationship. I’m sorry about the kiss. I just… I just thought maybe magic would help me too.”

“Theo…”

“Look, just, forget this ever happened.” Theo wipes the tears out of their eyes and looks back at me, their expression pained. “I’m sorry.” Then they run off into the woods, leaving me alone.

I collapse back into my chair, head in my hands. What the fuck. What the actual fuck. Theo likes me? Theo kissed me?! What do I do? God, when Blake finds out she’ll kill me! I can’t let her know, right?

No, no, if I keep this from her, it’s basically like cheating. Is this cheating? No, Theo came onto me, that’s different. This isn’t my fault.

But… we did kind of have a moment there, together. Do I like Theo? I’ve known them for a long time, and I feel like today I got to see a side of them I’ve never seen before. Do I like that side?

Ugh. This is all too much to think about. I just… I just need to be alone. Good thing I’m in the perfect place that.