Author's Note: CWs on this chapter for some pretty serious discussions on internalized transphobia and dysphoria, as well as mention of genitals. 

------------------

Despite all the thinking I’ve done, I still don’t really know how to feel about what happened with Theo. I feel angry that they tried to take advantage of me like that. But I also feel bad for them. This whole time they’ve been struggling with the same feelings as me regarding what happened with Blake, and I didn’t realize. All of this is on top of that relief and connection I felt with them while we were venting to each other, resulting in this confused terrible mix of emotions I can barely sift through.

However, what’s really evident in my mind is how guilty I feel. I kissed someone else! While I’m with Blake! How’s she going to react if she finds out? She’s going to be so angry with me, so hurt. I don’t know if I can deal with that right now. But I can’t just avoid her forever, right? I wouldn’t want to anyways. I love her. But I don’t want to hurt her. Not on what’s supposed to be a really good day for her. Of course, I’ve already fucked that up by being absent for all of it. There’s no way she hasn’t noticed me gone all day. What am I even going to say to her? 

Maybe I should just go home. Say I got sick and avoid seeing her entirely. That’d be the easiest way to explain away all of this. I wouldn’t even have to mention Theo.

Ugh, but I left all my stuff at school! I rushed out so fast this morning that I completely forgot to grab my backpack or anything. Not to mention my books and stuff that I left in the classroom. 

Well… maybe I can just wait until school is out and then go grab everything? I check the time on my phone and sure enough, it’s well after when school would have ended. Wow, I can’t believe I spent pretty much the entire day out here in Theo’s secret spot. Time sure flies when you’re mentally processing the fucked up situations of your life, I guess.

The walk back to school is mostly uneventful. I manage to find my way back out of the woods thanks to that faint path Theo took me on in the first place. Although I do run into a few bushes and stuff along the way. Once I finally breach the clearing it’s back to civilization, which is also mostly devoid of any students who I might recognize. A quick walk back to school shows that there’s only a few cars left too. Probably just teachers staying late at best.

I walk through the front door of school and down towards the senior class hallway where my locker is, my head still brooding over Theo and Blake and everything I need to deal with. The sick excuse is going to buy me some time, hopefully, for today at least. But Blake is still going to no doubt be upset, and I really hate having to lie to her about--

“Angel?! Is that you?!?”

I stop in my tracks. Fuck. Right in front of me is Blake, and next to her is Alissa. They look like they’re chatting in the hallway, or at least they were until Blake noticed me. “Um… hey Blake--”

“Don’t ‘hey’ me! Where the hell have you been?! Are you okay?!” Blake runs over to me, Alissa following behind her with a grimace on her face. 

“Y-yeah, I’m fine,” I lie. “I was just sick today and I’ve been in the nurse's office all day--”

“Bullshit! I already checked there and you weren’t there at all!” Blake snaps, her hands on her hips. She looks angrier than I’ve ever seen her before.

“I, well, o-okay, so I wasn’t in the nurse's office, but I was sick! I swear!”

“So what, you went home then?”

“Y-yeah!”

“Then why are you back here at school?”

“Well, I had to come pick up my stuff. A-and I’m feeling a lot better, honest!”

Blake squints, eying me down suspiciously. I can feel myself start to sweat. “I don’t believe you.”

“Blake--” Alissa tries to interject, but she’s quickly shot down by Blake.

“Quiet, Alissa! I’ve been upset all day because of Angel’s absence and I want to know EXACTLY where sh-- er, he’s been!”

I wince at Blake’s ‘correction’ of pronouns for me. Normally it wouldn’t bother me as much, but with everything else that’s happened today hearing her of all people refer to me with the wrong pronouns hurts a lot more than usual. Even if she is doing it to hide my gender identity from everyone like I asked. 

“Look, it’s the truth, alright? I was sick and I had to leave school. I know it was your first day back and I promised I would be here, but I just… I was really ill, okay?”

“I. Don’t. Believe. You.” Blake insists, leaning in closer to me. Her face is practically red. “You left without even saying a word to me. You never do that! Even if you were sick, you would have told me!”

“Guys, we really shouldn’t be doing this in the--” Alissa starts, trying again to step in, but this time I’m the one to interrupt her.

“Why can’t you just trust me on this, okay? I’m sorry I left, but it wasn’t on purpose. I just had to go!”

“You had to go? You HAD to go?? What’s that supposed to mean?!”

“It means what I said! I couldn’t be here anymore. Like, at the school. Not around you or anything. I mean I couldn’t be around you because I was sick, but--”

“Aha! You couldn’t be around me, I knew it!” Blake’s face twists with anger. “I knew you didn’t like this, me coming to school when I did! You were against this from the start!”

“It’s not--! It’s nothing like that, I swear!”

“Why don’t you want me here? What’s so wrong with me finally coming back to school as myself, Angel?!”

“There’s nothing wrong with that!”

“Then why did you leave--”

“BECAUSE I COULDN’T HANDLE IT, OKAY?!?”

Blake snaps her mouth shut, her eyes wide with shock at my sudden yell. My hands are balled into fists and tears are blurring my eyes. My heart’s pounding in my chest and I feel like I just want to break down and cry. I don’t think I’ve ever been this upset in my life.

“I-I just… I just couldn’t handle it! It was too much!” I stammer out, practically about to start sobbing.

Blake stands there uncomfortably. Alissa takes this opportunity to walk past her and put her hand on my shoulder. “Hey, Angel, it’s gonna be okay.” I can’t even muster up a response. I wish I was wearing a hoodie right now so I could at least hide my face from the two of them. Instead the most I can do is look at the ground in shame.

“Look, how about we all take this somewhere private, yeah? Like, back into the film club room. There shouldn’t be anyone else there now that club is over.”

Blake is quiet for a few seconds, and then nods. “Okay,” she mutters, then walks over into the classroom. I hadn’t even realized how close we were to it. No wonder they were here at school still. Club must have ended not too long ago. I forgot it was even today to begin with. God, I’m such an idiot.

“Angel? Are you coming?” Alissa asks, standing at the doorway. I nod, not looking at her still, and trudge my way into the room. 

Alissa holds me with one of her hands and guides me to a chair. Across from me sits Blake in another chair. Alissa pulls up a chair of her own next to both of us and sighs. “Okay, something is obviously going on between the two of you, and it needs to get out into the open.” She looks to me. “Angel, you go first.”

“...I don’t want to,” I say quietly, looking away from both of them.

“Angel…” Blake whispers sadly.

“Angel, please, you need to talk to us,” Alissa insists.

“I don’t. I can’t,” I mutter, tears blurring my eyes again. “I’m a bad person.”

“Angel, you’re not a bad person,” Alissa reassures me, putting a hand on my shoulder. 

“Yeah I am! I’m awful. I abandoned Blake today, and I… and I…”

“And you what, Angel?”

“I… I cheated on Blake.” There. I admitted it. Now they both were going to hate me.

I hear Blake gasp, and I look over at her sadly. Her lip is trembling, tears in her eyes. “You… you cheated on me?”

“Yeah… I… I kissed Theo.”

Alissa and Blake both look completely shocked. “You… kissed Theo?” Alissa asks.

“Well, I mean, I guess technically they kissed me, but it’s basically the same… right?”

Alissa furrows her brow. “It’s only the same if you wanted it. Did you want to kiss Theo, Angel?”

“No! I mean, we were having this really deep conversation and I felt we were connecting, but I never wanted to kiss them!”

“So you’re saying Theo came onto you then?!” Blake asks angrily. “Ugh, I’m gonna fucking kill him, I swear!”

“No, it, it wasn’t like that!” I stammer out. “Theo, they kissed me because, well…” I trail off. I can feel my body shaking. I want to say what happened, but doing so would mean not just revealing everything Theo said to me in confidence, but also outting myself to Alissa. 

“Angel,” Alissa says calmly, rubbing my shoulder with her hand, “It’s okay, you can tell us. Why did Theo kiss you?”

“I… I can’t answer that.”

“Why not?!” Blake demands angrily.

“Because,” I look between Blake and Alissa. A tear drips down my cheek. “B-Because…”

“Angel, please,” Alissa asks again. Her voice is calm and soothing. “It’s gonna be okay. You can tell us, I promise. We won’t tell anyone else.”

I look at the ground. I don’t want to out Theo, but I have to tell them something. Alissa’s right, I need to tell Blake what’s going on. I can’t hide this any longer.

“It was because... because I told Theo that I was jealous of you, Blake.”

The room is quiet for a few seconds. Then I hear Blake ask with a squeak, “You’re jealous of me?”

I nod. “I am, yeah,” Another tear drips from my eyes onto the ground.

“You’re jealous of me” Blake repeats, her voice wavering. “Why are you jealous of me?”

“You know why,” I mutter.

“No, Angel, I don’t!”

“It’s because I want what you have, obviously!” I say with a raised voice, my head shooting up as I look at Blake. I can see Alissa looking a little shocked out of the corner of my vision, but otherwise she stays silent.

“Wh-what do you mean?” Blake scrambles, hugging herself.

“I mean, god Blake. Hasn’t it been obvious? Ever since that day in the back room when you changed, and, and when I realized what that meant about me, I’ve been a dysphoric wreck! Every single day it hurts! And I see you there, all pretty and perfect, getting to live out your dreams and I’m just here in the background silently suffering!”

Blake looks at me completely silent. Alissa instead is the one who speaks up in response. “Angel, are you saying you’re trans too?”

“Yes! I am!” I snap, looking over to Alissa. “That’s how Blake was able to transform, okay? She had to be kissed by another girl, and I was the one who kissed her. So you know what that makes me?!

“A girl too,” Alissa whispers, realization dawning on her face. 

“Exactly. Except unlike Blake, I’m stuck looking like this!” I wipe away more tears out of my eyes. “She gets to have this perfect change into a real girl, with breasts and long hair and hips and everything, and she gets to try on clothes, and makeup, and paint her nails, and fucking do everything she wants, but I can’t do any of those things!”

“Angel--” Blake whispers, but I ignore her.

“And it’s so stupid too! Like, Blake’s been going so hard at it all! Every single stereotypically girly thing she can possibly do, she’s been doing! It’s like she’s been rubbing it in my face even though she knows how badly I want this too!”

“You--I told you you could have done it with me,” Blake says, her voice wavering.

“No, I couldn’t have! I’d just look like a boy doing it! Like some gay boy doing girly things! No one would take me seriously as a girl while I look like this!”

“I mean, but my parents, they know, and it’d be safe for you there!” Blake insists, her voice gaining some confidence back. “Why didn’t you tell me you’ve been feeling this way?!”

“Because what was I supposed to say? That you finally enjoying yourself was making me feel awful? I didn’t want to take any of that away from you.”

“So instead you let it build up to this instead? How is this any better?! Do you realize how awful this is making me feel?!”

“I--I--!” I start, but Alissa interrupts me.

“Both of you need to calm down!” she says sternly, shutting us both up. “All this yelling is going to get us nowhere!” The room goes quiet for a few seconds, the only sounds that of both Blake and I sniffling and rubbing away tears.

“Angel: It’s clear you’ve been suffering for a while now, with no one to talk to about any of these feelings you’re having,” Alissa says, looking at me. I nod in agreement.

“And Blake, you’re not at fault for anything Angel is feeling because those are his -- well, I guess actually her-- feelings,” Alissa continues, looking to Blake. Blake also nods her head. My heart actually flutters for a moment at hearing someone actually refer to me with she/her pronouns for once.

“Angel, none of this is Blake’s fault. She’s allowed to enjoy herself and her new life that’s been made available to her,” Alissa states, looking back at me once again.

“I know…” I agree quietly. 

“That said, your feelings are valid and you’re allowed to feel hurt. I imagine it must be hard to feel like you can’t do something you desperately want to be able to do.”

“Feel like? No, I can’t do it. This isn’t just something I’m feeling. It’s a fact.”

Alissa smiles sadly. “Oh, Angel. Of course you can do those things. There’s nothing stopping you from trying out makeup, or painting your nails, or wearing more feminine clothes.”

I wave my arms, gesturing broadly at myself and my body. “Um, this? I’m a boy. Or at least in a boy’s body. I can’t do things like that.”

Alissa sighs and holds the bridge of her nose with two fingers. “Oh jeez. I thought that of all people, the two trans girls would know better than this about gender roles.”

“I -- what? Gender roles? This isn’t about gender roles, it’s about how I’d look and what people would think of me.”

“Yeah, which is their problem, not yours.” Alissa sighs and smiles. “Angel, no matter what you look like or what gender you are, you can dress and present however you want. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

“But, everyone would just think that I’m a boy who--”

“And they’d be wrong. You’re a girl, right?”

“Well, yeah, but--”

“Then you’re a girl, even as you are now.”

“Well yeah, of course I know that, but that doesn’t mean I still wouldn’t get seen as just some boy being girly or something.”

Blake frowns. “Is that all you saw me as before I transformed?”

“No, of course not!” I scramble, waving my hands in front of myself defensively. “I only ever saw you as a girl!”

“Then what makes you think we wouldn’t?” Alissa asks. 

“I, well, b-because I… look like a boy?”

Alissa holds her chin and looks me over, squinting her eyes thoughtfully. “Angel, no offense, but I think your dysphoria might be pulling one over on you right now.”

“What? What do you mean?”

“Well, first off, you’re a lot more androgynous than you think you are.”

I laugh sarcastically. “That’s hilarious, but you’re wrong. I look super masculine.”

“No, I mean, she’s got a point, Angel,” Blake chimes in. “You’ve always dressed like a boy, and your voice is kinda low, but you’re not really that masculine.”

“I -- what? No, that can’t be right. I’ve seen myself in the mirror all the time. I know everything that’s wrong about my body and my face.”

“And that’s what I’m saying. Your perception is all off!” Alissa smiles and nods. “Yep, you know, I think with a little bit of work, we could get you looking a lot more feminine than you’re currently presenting.”

For a moment I actually feel something like a spark of joy. The idea that Alissa could help me look more like a girl isn’t something I’d ever even remotely considered. But a girl like her, helping me out, it’d be like a dream come true! Maybe she could make me look like a girl too! 

But then I remember that even if she did do all of that, I’d still just be a boy pretending at the end of the day. As long as my body is like this, it’d all just be an illusion. And just like that all the momentary hope I had sinks away.

“It doesn’t matter,” I say dejectedly. “Even if you tried to girl me up, I’d still be stuck here with a boy’s body.”

“Angel…” Blake whispers sadly. “It wouldn’t be like that.”

“Yeah, it would,” I insist, tearing up again. “I’m not as lucky as you. I don’t get to have some magic transform me into being a girl.”

“Angel, you don’t need magic to do that! You already are a girl, remember? That’s what you taught me, back before I changed too.”

“But you know it’s not the same! You didn’t feel comfortable doing anything either!”

Blake grows quiet at that. 

“Is that true, Blake?” Alissa asks her. 

Blake nods. “Yeah. I just… I can understand where Angel is coming from. I didn’t want people to see me as a boy playing pretend either.”

“Oh jeez,” Alissa sighs, leaning back into her chair. “You both got the dysphoria bad, huh?”

Blake and I both nod. “Yeah,” we admit at the same time.

“Okay, how do I put this.” Alissa closes her eyes and thinks for a moment. “Okay. Angel? You’re a girl, right?”

“Right…”

“So that means anything you do is what a girl would do, right?”

I pause for a moment. “I guess?”

“Well, what a girl would do is just something a girl does, isn’t it?”

“I suppose so.”

“And since you’re a girl, that means that anything you do, is something a girl would do. Because you’re a girl.”

My mind kinda reels from the idea she presents. The logic feels totally bizarre, but at the same time I can’t argue with it. “I. Yeah. I guess you’re right.”

Alissa opens her eyes and smiles. “So, following that same train of thought then, anything you wear is something a girl is wearing, right?”

“Yeah?” I answer hesitantly.

“Exactly! Which means what you’re wearing right now, while they might be a bit, well, not masculine moreso than kinda sporty and androgynous, are still a girl’s clothes, right?”

“I mean, I didn’t get these from the girls’ aisle--”

“That doesn’t matter. They’re your clothes and you’re a girl, which makes them a girl’s clothes.”

I frown. “This is all confusing. I guess you’re right, but where are you going with this?”

“Well, take that logic to the next step. If anything you do is something a girl is doing, and anything you wear is something a girl is wearing, then what else about you is girly?”

I cross my arms and think. What else would be girly? What does that even mean? Sure, maybe what I do is what a girl does and what I wear is what a girl wears, but if that’s true, then what? 

“Um. Are you trying to say everything about me is a girl?”

“Definitely that! But, more specifically, what I'm trying to say is that you aren’t a boy. And even more specifically than that, I’m saying that your body isn’t a boy’s body either.”

“What? That’s not even close to true,” I scoff, shaking my head. “I mean, have you even looked at me?”

“Okay, what about your body makes it a boy’s body?”

I roll my eyes. I can’t believe she’s making me spell it out like this for her. “Well, for starters my shoulders are pretty broad.”

“I disagree,” Alissa immediately replies. “They’re actually not that broad at all. I think they’re about the same size as mine in fact.” 

“There’s no way that’s true,” I insist. “My shoulders are broad like a boy’s shoulders.”

“See, that’s where you’re messing up. Girls can have broad shoulders too. I know lots of girls with broad shoulders.”

Damn. She’s technically got a point there. “Okay, I mean, I guess some girls can too, but that’s like a thing most boys have.”

“Also not true. It’s a thing some people can have, but boys can have slim shoulders just as much as girls can have broad shoulders. It’s just a body type feature.”

“What are you even saying? That feels like a stretch to me.”

“Just humor me then. Come on, what’s something else about your body that makes it a ‘boy’s body’?”

I groan. “I can’t believe you’re making me do this. But, um, I grow facial hair. Girls don’t do that.”

“Also not true. Some girls grow facial hair. I know this one girl, Linda, who has PCOS and she grows some facial hair because of that.”

“PCOS? What’s that?”

“It’s a hormonal disorder some people can have, primarily those with uteruses. It basically means her hormone levels are different and her body produces more testosterone than usual.”

I blink. “Oh. I didn’t even know that was a thing.”

“Yeah. But even if she didn’t have that, that doesn’t mean she couldn’t have facial hair. Some girls just naturally grow some facial hair, or even lots of body hair. A lot of it is dependent on your genes and family history.”

Body hair was another thing I was gonna say, so that immediately gets thrown out the window too. “Okay, well, sure, so maybe some girls can have broader shoulders, or some facial hair, or more body hair. But like, that doesn’t mean they’re like me.”

“Why not? What makes them different from you?”

“Well, they weren’t raised as a boy. They weren’t told they were a boy their whole lives and made to wear boy clothes and do boy things and stuff.”

“That could be true, but we already established that clothes and actions aren’t inherently gendered. Even if they had worn the same clothes as you and done the same things as you, they still would have been girls wearing and doing those things.”

I groan angrily. I’m really starting to feel frustrated with Alissa. Why isn’t she getting this?! “That’s not the same! They’re girls with girl bodies and I’m not!”

“Why not, Angel?”

“Because I have a fucking dick and they don’t!” I say angrily, almost yelling. Then I realize what I nearly yelled and sink back into my chair out of embarrassment and shame.

“Ah. So there we are, getting to the crux of it finally.” Alissa leans forward, her expression one of compassionate sympathy. “You think you have a boy’s body because of that, then?”

I nod, wiping away another tear. “Yeah. Yeah I do.”

“Angel,” Blake whispers. I look over at her. She’s got her legs bent up against her chest and her arms wrapped around them.

“Yeah, Blake?”

“You know I have one of those, right?”

“I mean, yeah, I know you did before you transformed and got a girl’s body, but--”

“No,” Blake interrupts me, shaking her head. “I mean now. Like right now. In this body. I have one.” 

My train of thought just stops. I blink. I look at Blake sort of blankly, not fully understanding or processing what I just heard. “You… You do?”

Blake nods. “Yeah.” Alissa leans back in her chair and says nothing, observing the two of us silently.

“I… Why?”

Blake shrugs, avoiding eye contact with me. “I dunno. I never really hated that part of me, I guess. Like whenever I pictured myself as a girl I still had it and it felt like, I dunno. It just felt right, I suppose.”

I lean over in my chair, my elbows resting on my legs as I hold my head with both hands. I stare at the ground, sometimes shaking my head as I try to figure out what she’s trying to say. “You. But. The magic gave you your dream body, I thought? It gave you a girl’s body, right?”

“Yeah, it did. It gave me a body I’m really, really happy with.”

“Even though it still has…?”

“Yep. Even with that.”

“So. You’re happy, with your body. And you’re a girl. And you have that. And. And that means…”

“It means, um. It means I’m a girl with a penis, Angel. That’s just a part of my body like everything else is.”

“And that’s… that’s a girl’s body to you, then?” I ask Blake, finally managing to look up at her.

Blake bites her lip nervously, then nods. “Yeah. Yeah it is. I know it’s not the same as other girls, but to me this is perfect. It makes me happy.”

Blake’s body is perfect. It makes her happy. And it has a penis. The thing I just said makes my body a boy’s body. But she doesn’t have a boy’s body. I know that. The magic gave her her dream body, and she’s a girl. So that means she has a girl’s body. Which means…

“Angel? Are you okay?” Blake asks nervously.

I look up to her and nod. “Yeah, I’m, I’m okay.”

Blake nods back. “Okay. I, um, I hope that’s okay, that I have a penis and everything…”

“Of course it’s okay!” I agree, shooting up straight in my chair. 

Blake smiles, slight relief going through her face. “Really? You, um, you don’t think that makes me less of a girl?”

I hesitate for a moment, then nod. “Yeah, I don’t. You’re still just as much of a girl as you’ve always been.” 

“Even though you said that you had a boy’s body because of that?”

I wince, and then nod. “Yeah. Even though I said that. I’m… I’m sorry if what I said there made you feel like I was saying you did too.” I sigh and look back at the ground. “I guess I just have never thought that there were any girls who wanted those.” I hug my arms to my chest. “I guess I thought that because I had one, that, well, that it made me less of a girl.”

I feel someone put their hand on my shoulder and I look back up to see Blake standing in front of me. She smiles and pulls me into a hug. “It doesn’t, Angel. I promise.” I sniffle, more tears clouding my eyes, and hug her back. 

For a minute we hold each other like that, Blake rocking me back and forth as I cry into her arms. This revelation is a lot for me for sure, but I’m also just crying because of the stress of today on top of this. It’s been a really, really long day. 

When we finally let go, Blake kisses my forehead gently and crouches down in front of me. “Are you going to be okay, Angel?”

“Yeah, I will.” I squeeze her hand and sigh. “I um. I don’t know if I want that for myself. I mean, I’ve never really thought about it before. I didn’t even know that was a possibility until now. I thought if I was going to be a girl, then I couldn’t have one for sure. That it was just holding me back. But, well… I need to rethink things now.”

Blake hugs me again. “That’s okay. And it’s okay if you decide you don’t want it, too. That’s perfectly fine. But don’t think having a penis makes you less of a girl, okay?”

I nod. “I’ll try. It’s a new, tough thing to wrap my head around. But I’ll try. Thank you.”

Blake smiles again. “Of course Angel. And… I’m sorry that you’ve been suffering like this alone. I want to help you with your dysphoria. Please promise me you’ll talk to me about what you’re feeling, honestly, moving forward from now on?”

I nod again. “I promise. It’ll be hard for me, but I promise I’ll try.”

“Good. Thank you.” 

Blake and I hug one more time, and then she sits down in a chair again, this time next to me. Alissa smiles and looks at the both of us, holding her hands together in front of her. “Well! That was something. I’m glad you both seem to be doing better now.”

“Yeah, me too. I’m still raw and upset, but I think I needed this. To get this all out there.” I squeeze Blake’s hand and grin appreciatively at Alissa. “Thanks, Alissa, for helping us out like this.”

“It’s nothing! I’m just glad I was here.”

“I’m surprised you know so much about all this, to be honest,” Blake comments. “When did you learn about all this kind of stuff?”

“Ah, well, it’s the sort of stuff you learn when you’re a lesbian and you’re trying to be supportive of everyone in the queer community,” Alissa replies sheepishly, rubbing the back of her head. 

“You’re gay?!” Blake and I both exclaim simultaneously. 

Alissa laughs. “I didn’t realize I was hiding it so well! But yep, I’m 100% gay.”

I hold my head with my free hand. “Will the revelations today ever end? First everything with Theo, and now this conversation, ugh.”

“Oh, right, Theo!” Blake remembers. “Angel, you said Theo kissed you after you told him you were jealous of me. Why is that?”

“Oh, well, um,” I stammer, biting my lip anxiously. “Okay, I can tell you, but you two have to promise to not tell anyone else, okay?” Blake and Alissa both nod and stare at me intently.

I let out a breath and sigh. “Earlier I left school because I was really jealous of Blake and couldn’t handle it. On my way out I bumped into Theo, and they asked me if I was jealous of Blake. I tried to deny it, but they insisted that it was true and said it was okay because, well, they admitted to being jealous of Blake as well.”

Alissa and Blake’s jaws nearly drop. “Theo said that?!” Blake asks.

“Yeah, they really did. Theo then took me over to this getaway place they have out in the woods not far from here and we talked for a bit about our feelings. I confessed how jealous I’ve been lately and all the dysphoria that’s been eating me up, and Theo admitted to feeling the same way. I felt like we were really connecting off all of that, but then all of a sudden Theo came over and kissed me.”

“Wow,” Alissa gasped. “Does that mean he -- she -- er, they like you?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know. I kind of freaked out and asked why they did that, and Theo admitted that they hoped that kissing me would transform them too. After that didn’t happen they kinda panicked and took off.”

Blake leans against me and pulls my arm towards her, hugging it with both of her arms. “Oh god. First you, then Theo… is this all my fault? I didn’t think my change would upset people like this…” 

“No! This isn’t your fault, Blake, I swear!” I lean toward her and hug her back. “I know I’ve been jealous and angry lately about all of this, but I never wanted to feel like that toward you! I’ve been feeling so guilty about it. I just wanted to be happy for you, but, well, feelings are stupid.”

“You got that right,” Alissa agrees. “People can’t control how they feel, only what they do.”

“I know, but I have to do something about this,” Blake says sadly. “I still feel like I’m the cause of yours and Theo’s pain. At the very least, I need to talk to them about this.”

I sigh dejectedly. “I suppose, but I don’t know what you can do. I know I’ll have to do a normal transition for myself probably to address anything I’m feeling, but I don’t know what’ll help Theo. I don’t think something like that is even anything they feel would be enough for them.”

Blake sits there quietly for a minute, lying against me. Eventually she stirs and sits back up, nodding with a determined expression on her face. “Well, then I’ll just have to figure out how to help them. And you. And I can only do that by talking to Theo first. I need to let them know it’s okay to feel what they’re feeling, and that I want to help.”

I squeeze Blake’s hand. “Okay babe, if that’s what you want then I want to help too. But, if we are going to talk to Theo, could we maybe wait at least a bit? I think after everything that’s happened today, I need time to rest and think about all of this.”

Blake nods. “Absolutely, take the time you need. I need some time to do some research anyways.”

I tilt my head. “Research into what?”

Blake smiles. “Research into my curse of course. Maybe there’s a way I can spread it to both of you too.”