And that brings us all back to this morning.
I was slammed against the wall of my entranceway. “What the fuck, Jamie? The fuck have you given me?” Snake sputtered, his heavy breath raging out of his nostrils onto my face. He was holding the gender change potion in his right hand, still only half drank. “Why the fuck do I wanna be a girl!?” He admitted, cheeks red and tears pooling at his eyes.
I was absolutely stunned. Snake, my bully, was emotionally opening himself to me and saying words that rang eerily… relatable. A question I didn’t know I needed to ask myself, and when he did for him, it kicked the door open for my own feelings to pour out. My gaze dropped to our feet. “I dunno, Snake… I… I do too...”
I could almost hear the gears in his head turning. And one moment later, his gaze softened. He dropped me back down, then wrapped his arms around me and gave me the best hug of my life. It was tight and intimate, like we understood perfectly how each other felt. Like it was the first time ever Snake met someone that understood his feelings, he had been even more starved for compassion than I’d been, and we wanted nothing more than to give it to one another.
“Everything alright, boys?” I heard my mother call out from the kitchen.
We exchanged a pained expression and climbed the stairs up to my room.
“So…”
“Yeah…”
“Yup.”
Snake was sat on my bed, and I on my desk chair. I’d opened my computer, was browsing the web looking for answers. But typing in ‘gender change potion’ had only lead to pages upon pages of… I think it was weird kink writing? But nothing relating to a real life equivalent.
“I fucking want to punch you right now, Jamie. For all this. But I can’t even do that. Makes me feel too… Manly.” I heard him mutter behind me, his tone dropping lower with every word.
“I… I’m sorry, Snake. I didn’t know why I’d grabbed that potion of all things, but…” I sighed. “I guess I… Wanted it to do something else.”
I changed my search to ‘I want to turn into a girl’, and found a weird website. Under its logo, it said “You could totally be a girl if you wanted.” I eyed it confusedly.
“Fucking hell, ma- Jamie…” Snake threw his head backwards onto my mattress, holding the bottle in his hand and being as mesmerised by it as I’d been yesterday. “Is this how you feel every day?”
“I guess it is, but I would never have noticed it without all this…” The website sported a big, red, ‘turn me into a girl’ button that gave me funny feelings I was starting to understand the nature of. I skimmed the rest of the page, seeing words like ‘transition’ and ‘transgender’. I had seen them before of course, but I always thought they’d referred to crossdressers? Clearly, this page didn’t agree. I looked up ‘transgender’ next, so that I properly knew what I was struggling with.
“Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck this shit.” Snake stood back up and started pacing around the room, his walking was a mess where he constantly switched between walking like a girl, and falling back into his habits, grimacing every time it happened. “Worst part is when I looked at the label and saw what kind of potion it was, I thought it’d give me a girl body, not a girl mind. Then it just all fucking hit me at once.”
“Yeah. I’m sorry. I saw it and just… Poof. My mind went blank and I grabbed it and I didn’t even notice I didn’t put it back and then someone came and I couldn’t look for the strength potion anymore and I also thought it’d change the body rather than the mind and-” I stopped myself to take a breath. “I’m sorry. My thoughts are just as much a mess as yours right now.”
“I get that. I’m thrown into a world I was never in, while you discover you always was in it.” He sighed, then started looking over my shoulder. “I’m sorry you had to live like this, Jamie.”
I continued looking through the internet at words and their meanings, ranging from transition to non-binary, and our gazes both stopped on the same one. I read the definition, felt a pang in my gut I knew Snake was also having. The word escaped my lips in a mutter. The feeling of mismatch with one’s own body: “Dysphoria…”
Snake was so enthralled he surprised me by reading quicker than me. “Fucking hell. We have to become girls, Jamie. That’s the only cure.”
I blinked at the screen a few times, before slouching into my chair. From what little I understood, cure seemed to be an extreme word, but I get what Snake meant by that. We exchanged a glance, then I looked at the potion he was still holding. “I’ll… I’ll manage, Snake. I’ve lived my whole life like this so far, I can continue, probably. You just… Drink the rest of the potion and turn your mind back into a boy’s.”
It was his turn to glance at the potion, and where his grip before was tight, like it was his most precious thing in the world, he instead started to hold it from the tip of his fingers, seemingly disgusted with it. “I don’t want to.”
“...Why?”
“...I’d never have drank it in the first place if I knew what it did, sure, but…” He scratched the back of his hair, looking for the right words. “As a boy, the idea of being turned into a girl was scary… And now, as a gir-... With a girl’s mind, the idea of turning my mind into a boy’s is just as scary. I don’t want to.”
I glanced up at him… Her? Should I start calling him her? ...I glanced up at Snake, noticed we were both shaking heavily. I lifted myself from my chair and wrapped my arms around my… I wanted to call Snake a friend, now, tentatively. My friend. And my friend did the same.
“What do we even do now?” I asked.
Snake paused and thought. Stopping the embrace, my friend moved to my computer and typed in ‘change body alchemy’, finding that, sure enough, it could go further than just muscles and details. I threw Snake a frightened glance. “We’re gonna get out of this the same way I got in it.”
Interesting concept! Gender refers to the mind! Not the body!
That's exactly it!
Mhm, it's not this intense for me, I guess.
I think I could probably live with a male body. Sure, after realising that it's fine to be more feminine, I can't really just go back in just a day or two. But I think I'm gonna go back to "normal" in a few weeks. It's always been like this, normal comes back sooner or later. It's always been like this.
Am I fooling myself? Cause I don't really feel any dysphoria. I mean sure, I never liked being male. But I never really liked life itself either. What's going on. I'm literally clueless. I don't wanna be fake either, you know. It feels so fake right now, it's insane. Like you all come with good intentions here, but it feels so fake.
But maybe it's just my underlying fear of communicating that makes me back out. Or my lack of intrinsic motivation. I mean, I lived like this for years, why couldn't I just go on. It sure as hell wouldn't be a happy life. And how can it ... in this kind of world. It's horrible and disgusting. I hope that parents who bring new life into this world, will know to love them wholeheartedly until the end, no matter what happens, otherwise it should be considered a crime to leave someone all alone to suffer.
I mean, I do like cute things, at least I think so. And I'd like to look cute as well, and I'd like to wear cute clothes as well, but I only imagine that in my mind, how would I know for sure. How can I know that I truly, truly, truly feel uncomfortable as a male, if I never had any kind of experience. Sure, in "those things" I imagine myself as the woman instead, but is that not just because I wanna get a real kick out of that. I mean I never really felt pleasure doing it by myself, not even once. Who was lying about masturbation feeling good? How come it doesn't feel that good at all for me. It's something that has evolved to boredom replacement. When I can't focus because my mind decided to suddenly imagine something lewd, I also do it to finally be able to "reset" my mind to function correctly again.
It's such a huge, huge pain honestly. Life is too hard, really too hard. And what, I'm only 17? How much worse can it get? If life is really not that worth living at this point already, how will it be when I'm truly, truly forced to chose something I want to do in life? How could I chose something when I don't wanna live in the first place?
I'm ranting again. If it's like always, then I'll feel better, but maybe because I said it, it won't happen. It's always like this, once I've thought about it, it won't happen. Unless the facts are so certain, that it could almost be fate.
It really sucks. I'm really tired. Sleeping is great. But waking up is kinda trashy.
Well, I wouldn't say I'm depressed? And I also wouldn't say I'm suicidal, so how come a nice person told me I'm depressed. How come I didn't know? I thought that was a phase I had left behind me, the conclusion being that I wouldn't dare to do it because I'm a useless coward, like always?
The rant is getting really long, is anyone even gonna read this .... I'm almost sure, some kind person is gonna read this and maybe even answer. Maybe that's exactly why I'm writing this.
Now I suddenly don't know whether all I wrote up there was fake. Whether I was just caught up in the moment.
Can I even feel anything but fear and hopelessness?
I ain't gonna lie, when I first got really drunk. I felt so damn liberated, so free. No emotions shackleing me. No fear. I could talk about anything. I could hug people, though, do you see the deliberate manipulation in my words? Isn't it just screaming "ah, please hug me?". I'm not even sure whether I wanna be hugged. Sure, being lonely is trash, but being alone really fits me. Sadly I cannot be alone, or I will simply die. I don't know how to live after all. I literally don't know. It's insane how I could just leech off of my parents for so many years. Yet I sit at my computer everyday for hours to escape reality. But is it really to escape, or am I just f*cking addicted?
I used to deny being addicted at first. As I got older, I was sure I was addicted. 100% sure. But now? I don't know. What is even real about me. That's a damn good question.
I'm addicted to food as well, because it makes me happy. I'm addicted to everything that makes me happy. I'm sure if I could get easy to drink alcohol everyday, I would literally be drunk most of the time. Or maybe my moral sense would stop me? Maybe it would. No, surely it would. The shackles ruin everything.
I wished for my emotions to dull. I truly wished for it for so long. I didn't even notice that I couldn't cry anymore. I didn't even notice that I couldn't try anymore.
I conditioned myself to cry when thinking about my family's death, because I feared that I couldn't even cry at their funeral. What a f*cking failure of a human being I am.
Does this comment have a limit? Maybe ScribbleHub is kind enough to let me continue.
Ah I wish I wasn't a coward. Life would be easier and it would surely already be over. I once vowed to live at least until my parents die, but now .... I love them, but the pressure, that is not really strong, is kind of pushing and tearing at me every day. I don't want to study. Why would I? I don't even want to live, why do I need to f*cking study? Why do I need to eat? Why do I need to get up? I'm tired, but no, not depressed. Because I still get up every f*cking day. I still study. I still eat. I eat too much even, so that I'm a f*cking fat pig. I want to look nice as well, but not like a male. I want to be cute.
But being cute means being small. I'm already too big, just why did my bones need to grow so much? I am so envious of my friends. They are mostly at around 160-170 cm. That'd be perfect. My feet are too big. Cute are small feet. My face is ugly, it's not cute. And the best thing, it's funny, I'm a male. Who the f*ck thinks a male is cute? Certainly not me.
I would say, I feel a bit better after saying all this, but do I? I don't even f*cking know.
I guess I always really liked f*cking depressing music, huh? Those are good, they get me in the right mood.
It's magical, the abyss. But I can't even do that. I don't f*cking dare to stare at the abyss. I don't even dare to do that. I don't dare become a monster, because I'm so f*cking scared.
Sometimes I wonder, what am I not scared of? There must be some things, right?
Sure, there are some things. But as soon as it entails being the center of attention, I can't do anything. My face heats up and I suddenly can't talk anymore. It's not like my mind stops moving, but it kinda slows down.
Emotions, what a pain. Look, a crying face looks so cute. But only a cute girl's crying face, right? See, depresseion and being miserable looks good, but not on males and certainly not on ugly males. That's why I probably can't cry. I'd maybe ask, "Maybe I'm not allowed to cry?", but I don't. Because I just don't cry, there is no deeper reason. It just isn't happening.
Today I got the name Emilia. I can't really name myself, there is no connection to it, so I asked someone else to name me. And honestly, when I was called a she and by this new name, I felt kinda pinkish.
I don't wanna go through all these troubles only to be utterly disappointed, like always.
I don't wanna be an ugly woman. That would make my life even more miserable. Can't you see? You can see it, right?
I've always, always wanted to be a "cute girl". That has been the case for yearsssss. "Only seeing this option recently". Hah, who am I even trying to kid. Why am I lying? I already knew about this for a long time. But maybe I subconsciously realised that it wouldn't give me anything. Maybe it was like that. Because my "hope" was real, it was so real. But now, I did it again. I finally destroyed it again. Haha, how nice. Now I'm dancing to music.
I guess losing my mind would be better. At least insane people aren't scared. Ah, why is there no way to permanently "mute" myself in some kind of accident. How liberating would that be. Sure I would be a burden for my family, but I am selfish. So selfish. Look, I don't wanna die. Society will literally kill me. Interaction with others is cancer.
Please someone kill me in my sleep. The gods have long abandoned me, maybe they have never existed anyway.
It's immature yes, but the gods have never once, never f*cking once, shown themselves to me. Never once have they shown me what they can do or have done. Never once. How can I not f*cking lose faith?
What use has a god that is silent? He's less than an insect. f*cking useless.
Ah I'm so toxic, but maybe that's the only part about me that is real. Maybe that's right.
Haha can you imagine. As soon as I get out of my comfort zone, I'm even too f*cking shy to be toxic. My mind is full of insults, but I can only move my ass and make way for even a little child. As soon as someone looks confident, is male and looks kinda scary (being of other ethnicity mostly), then I get so meek. So small. So antly. So insignificant.
I don't wanna be a racist, but it's deep in my bones. This fear. I mostly ignore it now, but when their attention is me, then I'm nearly not functioning anymore.
Please just kill me already. Please make it painless, or at least quick. That'd be fine. That'd be fine. I'm sure my parents would grieve for a bit, but they'll get back up. I don't know them that much to be honest. They don't know me either, because I don't talk about myself. At least not about the more intimate things. It's always school, future job, university or something. Or, "what is gonna be for food today". That's all we talk about.
I mean, how could I say anything about myself. It's gonna destroy the peace and it's gonna get troublesome.
"Ah, please tell me why you are like this?" "Did we do something wrong?" "How can we help?"
Look, I don't even know, don't ask me. Holy shit, alcohol is getting more enticing by the second. I hear some kids love to drink so much they fall into a coma. That sounds enticing as hell. And it's painless as well! A miracle.
I should stop here for now. Wait, let me look how many words I wrote. See, this thought makes me so unsure of whether this all is fake or not. I'm so all over the place, but am I really? Or is this all calculated? Do I just wanna seem miserable. I won't lie, being miserable all by myself is really nice. It's so comfortable.
Please I just wanna die in my sleep, not having to do anything will be so liberating. I hope I don't need to live a second life, I really hope death is eternal. At least one thing will be eternal then. That'd be good.
These are emotional spikes.
Now I already don't care anymore.
I can pretend to be something pretty well. But my real self, nobody would accept that. It's toxic after all :3.
@IHadSoManyNames I'm sorry, this might all be fake. Ah, sorry, I really don't know anymore.
Emilia, a lot of the feelings you've expressed speak to a younger me, who was too anxious and insecure to get what she needed, what she wanted. A younger me without a support network.
Depression doesn't feel like eternal sadness. Depression often manifests as a void. As nothing. No feelings, neither joy nor sadness, simply going through the motions, following a routine. The scene in Spongebob where Squidward moves to a town of squids and does the same thing every day and all the activities repeat but he frowns more and more with each loop, that's what depression can be.
And jesus f*cking christ you're 17, you're a child! You shouldn't feel the leech thing, even though I get it. And not knowing about the future, not caring about it? Yeah, depression too, the expectation that you won't live for long. And then you live that long, and you're in deep shit, because you never figured stuff out, and now have to catch up.
As far as the "I want to be a cute girl" feelings go? That's achievable. Take it from a 187 cm tall 150 kg trans gal.
@Katie-the-Angel-Witch
Are you happier now?
Sigh, it's just that my opinion of cuteness is too limited. It's also ingrained in my very bones, so whenever I see something, I evaluate it. On cuteness and beauty especially.
Ah, this is hella offensive, but I heard that most trans-people don't end up looking too beautiful.
Sigh, I really don't wanna be offensive, since it hurts me as well.
But maybe, that should be disregarded and I should instead focus on my feelings?
Maybe all of those hormones can make me feel happier? Like, at least feeling cute then. I'm sure if I just really work hard on my figure and then hide my face, I can still look cute.
I weigh around 118kg right now, that's already ~10 less than what I "weighted?" before. It took me some time, but if I can actually be happier and also be cute, and a girl, then I can surely work through it.
But I just don't see a reason to eat less and work out more in a male body. It just won't make me happy. That is something I am totally convinced of.
I'm not gonna lie, I also wanna experience love. I gave up on that when I first became really uncomfortable with myself. I vowed to never have any relationship, or rather, I saw my future. As a male, it is impossible for me. There is a major lack of confidence.
It's so dreamy to think about wearing a really nice baggy sweater, soft pants or maybe even a skirt with stockings or thigh-highs and then like making those "paws" with the sweater. That's like literally making me feel so excited. I heard this is called gender euphoria.
Also, I'm really glad someone gave me a new name, it's much more comfortable. Today especially, I noticed that I actually dislike my original name. I don't wanna be rude to my parents and all, but I just can't bring myself to be indifferent like before.
I would say yes, I'm happier than I was pre-transition. And what you heard about trans folks not ending up beautiful? Yeah pretty sure those were some transphobic assholes. The variety in apperance between trans people is wild, and I don't mean on an attractiveness scale, just on an aesthetic scale. But, in general, holy sh*t there's so many cute trans girls out there that make me melt.
And yeah, getting happy from stuff that affirms your gender is gender euphoria. The warm fuzzies from someone calling you a cute girl, if they manage to break through a barrier of self consciousness that makes you reject the idea of that.
As far as hormones go, yes, they work. I can actually feel stuff now on them, like I couldn't before.
@Katie-the-Angel-Witch Sounds good. Maybe I'm really go to a therapist after I finish school. Even if under the pretense of like idk, depression.
I really don't feel comfortable with telling my parents about this for some reason. Like I know they probably love me and I do like them. But somehow, I feel like I am kinda disconnected. It's weird.
My fears are really the only real feeling I have that is constant. Everything else comes in spikes.
Every day that I am in this state, I wanna try this more and more. But before I do anything, I'm gonna lose 20-30 more kg of fat and then let's see.
I really wanna have shoulder-length hair when I'm finally a girl. That'd be like, manageable in terms of cleaning and still look cute. And I'd wear some really cute and thick clothing omg. I'm never gonna wear heels though, at least not really high ones. That'd make me overly conscious about my height again.
And I'd for sure be a gay girl. Not trying to be offensive, but putting males anywhere into sexuality is kinda disgusting for me. Like sure, their d*cks might be somewhat useful, but the rest? I'd rather be with a soft and cute girl, ah, how nice would that be.
I'd say mood but I have a very specific asterisk wherein my sexuality short circuits upon seeing anyone feminine looking even if they're a guy. But yeah, girls are great, I get the worries about being scared of coming out to your parents, but I'd suggest trying to get a therapist already. Hell you're 17, there might be stuff you could still block with puberty blockers if you're lucky enough to get them. If I hadn't been gatekept from them, I'd have completely avoided facial hair for example.
Good luck with everything Emilia, and know what? Here, Féli forgot to put the link to our Patrons and Fans discord on this chapter, so https://discord.gg/VDVMVrc
@Katie-the-Angel-Witch I joined it :P
Well, I'm for sure gonna finish school first and lose some weight. And then I'm gonna bring it up to my parents I guess.
That also gives me more time to fully, like, find myself?
@IHadSoManyNames here's a hug
@IHadSoManyNames Pretty sure manipulative people don't worry about being manipulative.
I don't know if it's bad that I agree with all of these things. I wouldn't have a name if a friend hadn't slapped one onto me, I feel dull and don't want to be a male but at the same time never truly feel like a girl whatsoever even though I say I'm trans, my parents are both heavily against me being trans with my mother being more subtle with her dislike and trying to tell me I'm changing things that shouldn't be changed and my father... hurt me at 14 years old and I still fear him/hate him/love him because he's still my papa and I'm a daddy's girl. I feel so lost in my own head and I don't know what to do. There are voices in the void and I'm not the only one in mine. It's like my mind literally split itself from the stress and pain over the years because instead of what should be 1 there are 4. But even if I'm not a girl I've spent so many years reading trans stories and female lead novels where the woman is strong and maybe outgoing... All things I'm not. I'm anxious, angry, scared, and a lot more negative things. Maybe I don't deserve the support I get and maybe I am lying. Mother says I have a habit of manipulating others after all.. It hurts so much to think about but my body and mind still feel dull. There are no tears or shaking or twitching. Just silence in my head and the music on my phone as I wait the few hours until my classes start out. 18 already and dropped out of high-school at 14. Having to do classes in a program just for my HS Diploma. It's pathetic really that I couldn't complete it like a normal person.. I hate being awake. I hate being conscious. I'm sorry for bothering you all. I apologize.
@Kukinks "It's like my mind literally split itself from the stress and pain over the years because instead of what should be 1 there are 4"
That sounds like plurality to me! I'm median plural myself :) If you ever need someone to talk to, and a safe place to talk about these things, I genuinely, unironically recommend joining my discord server. This isn't an attempt at self-promotion, it's genuinely that I've crafted my server into a safe space for identity experimentation, and plenty of people on it will be there to help if you need it. In the meantime, here's a few links you could look at for resources and explanations about plurality, hopefully these help you feel understood and seen:
http://healthymultiplicity.com/
http://amiplural.com/
https://pluralityresource.org/
https://pluralpedia.org/w/Main_Page
@PrincessFelicie I think I'm plural because the others all have names and we have all accepted a different last name than our birth one. We're effectively siblings in one body but the "Pilot" or Me/Kuki is the one who is always conscious. Meaning I have to filter all of their thoughts and all of my thoughts while never truly being able to recede back into our void like they can. Actually I can't sleep without our body sleeping. I might... join the server if you're alright with that but I dunno I have severe anxiety with new places so I may stall... Who am I kidding I *will* stall but hopefully it'll work out fine. Um... about the links I agree: Every person in every mind has the right for personhood I just... I had to figure that out the hard way. 10 long... grueling years of experience to get here...
@Kukinks We all learn at our own pace, don't worry <3 I've met people who took thirty years to figure themselves out, and I've heard of some who didn't live their truth until they were 80. You're absolutely welcome on my server, though I also completely get the anxiety around just joining a new space -- take all the time you need, I mean it. If you need a link, you can always send me a dm on scribblehub, though it should also be peppered around on my newer works.
Again, what I want to stress out the most is that there are people who will be willing to help, if you can manage to ask for that help. I know it can be hard the first few times!
@PrincessFelicie Yes and thank you for the offer. I'll keep it in mind and perhaps I'll take it.
Man I wish I had the time to read all that, but I get the gist. Don't let the cynical ass of a brain dictate your feelings. My brain is a cynical rabbit and man, sometimes it's hard to remember it's lying to me with facts... Doesn't help that things like love just... Don't fit inside my emotional warren.