Fan Mei stared at him, not comprehending at all what this was about. Clearly, this person was not her brother, otherwise, he wouldn’t have said that they were mere acquaintances and that he hadn’t wanted to get close to him. After all, who wouldn’t want to be close to the person they loved? This didn’t make any sense!

Si Qi smiled faintly when he saw her doubtful gaze. “Ms. Fan must be wondering what I’m even talking about and how any of this is even remotely related to your brother. Well, you see, it’s all because of who that person is. In fact, you also know him. It’s Mister Si’s assistant, Si Yi.”

Fan Mei’s eyes widened on her mouth almost gaping open. “That guy?!”

Excuse her but she had trouble believing that anyone could fall in love with him. That Si Jin was still alright. She hated that he wouldn’t open his mouth and it drove her nuts that she couldn’t read anything from his expression. But then, that wasn’t a personal thing.

Just watching him ‘interact’ with others, it was clear that he just was like that. Even when it came to Xiao Ming who she suspected he had some kind of shady deal with, he still looked just as expressionless as if the muscles in his face had atrophied or the nerves had gotten damaged to the point where he couldn’t make any expressions. This was probably what facial paralysis looked like.

That assistant of his though? In her eyes, he was a total asshole. Just looking at his face, she wanted to jump at him and strangle him. The way he had talked down to her previously in the studio? That hadn’t been a regular thing for him. He had talked to everyone else just fine. No, he was looking down on her. And if she hated one thing, then it was being looked down upon.

Si Qi chuckled faintly. “Seeing your expression, I imagine you have some doubts. Well, I guess I can see why. Si Yi can be a bit … abrasive. To be honest, he isn’t much different to me nowadays.

“I won’t hide it from you. Anyway, if the three of us manage to make it through the first episode, you’ll get to see it with your own eyes. So I might as well admit to it first: I love him but he doesn’t like me back. It’s been like this since the day we met or maybe it has gotten worse.”

He lowered his gaze and sighed, picking up his glass of water and drinking a sip. “It’s tough. I wouldn’t mind if he was … neutral, maybe. But these days, it feels like he doesn’t just not like me but is even starting to dislike me. Well, I can also understand why.” He smiled but there was a sadness to it that completely negated it, making him look quite tragic.

“Si Yi …” He searched for the right words, not finding them for a long time. He had written a lot of men in his books that were inspired by this man and he had wasted a lot of words on describing them and their actions. But when it came to the real deal, he still struggled with it. How to distill Si Yi’s character into a few words? As the person who had adored him for years, he couldn’t do it.

He shook his head at himself, finally giving up on wanting to do him justice. Anyway, this was Fan Mei. What did it matter if his description was accurate enough or not? “He is polite but distant to strangers, harsh on those he doesn’t like, but very caring to the people he cares about.

“Sometimes, a person will luck out and receive that care even before they make it into that circle of people, often by just … being at the right place at the right time or maybe by being associated with somebody he knows. I was like that.”

This time, his smile turned a little lighter. Thinking back to that day, to the happy memories from his earlier years, he felt … content. How nice it would have been if it could have continued like that forever.

At that time, Si Yi had noticed how much he was struggling and while everyone else continued to just focus on themselves, he had taken the time to advise him. Si Qi knew that this wasn’t about him personally. It was because Si Yi wanted to see the Si clan and their master thrive.

He had noticed that he wasn’t like Si Shi Yi who had had no interest in learning those skills and was trying to get out of them but that he was just struggling to learn them. So he — as the most qualified person right after their master even at that time — had taken the time to teach him.

How many hours had been spent at his side, quietly explaining everything to him, pointing out the details he had missed, demonstrating practices over and over again? They had been countless and with his help, he had indeed improved, slowly closing that gap between himself and the one who had taken the eighteenth place at that time.

Si Yi had been satisfied and with that satisfaction, he had started to be more motivated. Suddenly, while he still didn’t feel like a part of the Si clan, he had felt a connection to Si Yi at least. He … had wanted to make him proud.

He took a deep breath and slowly exhaled. “I won’t bore you with that story. I’ll just say that for me, who was always an outsider, receiving one favor was enough to look favorably upon this person. And with each new meeting, those feelings grew deeper.

“You might not understand it but to me, Si Yi is a person much different from the man you met today. He is … kind beyond belief, worthy of anyone’s love. I don’t think I am good enough for him and I accept that. I had just hoped that …” He paused again, not even sure what to say.

Yes, what was he hoping for? Once upon a time, he had innocently just hoped that things could continue as they had at the beginning. To go over the knowledge he should possess together, to practice, and have him point out his mistakes, it had seemed like it was enough.

But the further he caught up to him, the more difficult that became. He made his way up from the nineteenth rank of the Si clan into the top ten, surely succeeding in showing Si Yi that he hadn’t made the wrong decision when he decided to pour all those hours into teaching him. At that point though, he couldn’t go further. He had reached his limit. And Si Yi could also see that so what was the point in continuing to teach him?

Si Yi wasn’t heartless and wouldn’t abandon somebody just like that. He had still checked up on him, making sure that he didn’t lose his edge and also tried out new things that could profit the clan. And he had been happy about that. Just … why was it always about the clan? Why was it never about him?

When they originally met, he had been a young teenager, maybe twelve or thirteen. To be honest, he didn’t know for sure anymore. He just knew that with the years spent learning from Si Yi, he had become older and along the line, he had lost the innocence of that year and his feelings had morphed into something else.

Si Yi was four years older than him. Maybe at that time, that had lent to his charm or maybe that kindness he had shown him, that sense of belonging he had given him, had been enough. Either way, he had fallen in love, unable to extricate himself. And even though he had learned a lot — including how to mask his true emotions and act out something different — he couldn’t hide those feelings from Si Yi. Not that he had wanted to.

Maybe it had been youthful recklessness but he had wanted him to know. He had wanted to show him his feelings in the hope that Si Yi would requite them. Thinking of it now, he really wanted to laugh at himself.

He suppressed the laugh and just looked at Fan Mei, his gaze self-deprecating. “Since I fell in love … I’ve always tried to be somebody he might take note of. Whatever I did, part of my motivation was always ‘maybe this will finally impress him’. It’s just a pity that if a man is as excellent as Si Yi, you can’t impress him easily. My best … was never good enough.”

His eyelids lowered, hiding his gaze once more. Yes, maybe things would be different if he had been better. If instead of only making his way up to being number seven, he could have snatched the second rank right after Si Yi. Maybe if he had been that good, Si Yi would have considered him worthy.

“I know it’s pathetic. I guess you have to be a masochist for still following through with such an idea even after several years have passed and you have not made the slightest progress and instead … instead made it worse.”

Yes, he had made their relationship worse. At first, it hadn’t been a problem that he was in love with him. Most likely, Si Yi had thought it was just a crush that would pass so he hadn’t paid too much attention. In fact, as a young man himself, maybe he had even felt a hint of pride at being able to inspire such feelings.

But when those feelings did not pass and didn’t dim but instead blazed even more brightly, their relationship had changed. It was subtle at first, to the point where he didn’t even realize. But Si Yi was pulling back, slowly spending less and less time with him, finally refusing to help when he came to him unless it was impossible to.

By now … what was left of their original relationship? Almost nothing. He could hardly look at him without Si Yi finding a reason to leave the room or sending him away. Speaking to him … that was like picking up a knife and ramming it into his own heart. Why would he want to hear those short replies that only served to highlight his annoyance at having to deal with him?

Yes, by now, every word, every action, was a reminder that his feelings were not welcome, that Si Yi wanted him to give up already and stop bothering him. If not … well, he couldn’t imagine how but things might get even worse.

“I should just give up, shouldn’t I? But the truth is that … I can’t. I just can’t bring myself to do that. By now, it’s been so many years, I’d feel like I wasted half my life if I gave up.”

He fell quiet, not knowing what else to say. His gaze was empty while he thought of all the years spent pining after Si Yi. This feeling of having wasted them was growing stronger by the day. He had already decided to leave, hadn’t he? Why was he still thinking about it? But no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t extricate himself. It was the same as always. In fact, he was afraid that even after he left the Si clan, he wouldn’t be able to forget and would pine for the same man, just now doing it from afar instead of doing so from right next to him.

Fan Mei stared at him and even though she usually doubted everything people around her said, it wasn’t the same with Si Qi at this moment. She could see it. She could see that every word he had just spoken was the truth. It was written in his eyes and in the way he carried himself.

In fact, she indeed felt that he was pathetic. That guy … what was so special about him? Even if he wasn’t always an asshole like he had been to her today, he still didn’t seem all that great. Anyway, if you had somebody admire you so much, shouldn’t you at least take the time to let them down gently? Why was he letting this go on? That was totally irresponsible!

Well, she wasn’t about to insult the one person that was finally willing to tell her something by trash-talking the guy he loved. If he shut up because of that, then where would she get her information? Also, it really was difficult to say something harsh to a person looking so down. She might be the blunt type but she wasn’t rude if she didn’t feel the need to.

She faintly cleared her throat, wondering if there was something empathetic she could say. With the thought that this was about Si Yi at the back of her mind though, she couldn’t really come up with anything. “Well, it’s hardly your fault. This kind of thing … it just happens.” Although most people were able to let it go after their crush behaved badly toward them.

Si Qi nodded. “I know, I know it’s not my fault. It’s just that … I always feel that if I was better, I would be able to make him change for me. I know it’s wrong to think like this.

“You can’t … change a person to be with you. They stay the way they are or they might change on their own accord but they won’t change for you. It’s hopeless and I’m very well aware of that but I still go ahead with it because I just can’t extricate myself. I’m already in too deep.” He shook his head and then looked over his shoulder, making sure that the waiter was not on his way back yet.

Anyway, after unloading all this, it was probably time to get back to the original question. After all, until the day ‘Golden Spoon’ was over and their master and young master Xiao were officially dating so he could leave the Si clan, he would do his best. He would finish this mission beautifully. This talk … it would be part of that. He knew that he could do it. After all, he had had a good teacher.