Turning back to Fan Mei, Si Qi gave faint smile, the gloom fading from his eyes for the moment. “You might be wondering why I am telling you all this. After all, what does it have to do with your brother?”

Fan Mei nodded. “That thought occurred. I sure hope you won’t tell me now that my brother is on the receiving end of the unrequited love of the guy you’re hopelessly in love with.”

At that, Si Qi actually laughed. Si Shi Qi? The object of Si Yi’s infatuation? That was so absurd, he had no idea what to do with the idea. “I’d rather believe he was in love with his boss.” Yes, in the Si clan, there were actually few people he could imagine Si Yi being with any less than with Si Shi Qi. Maybe Si Er would be even more unlikely and Si San as well, probably, but other than them, Si Shi Qi was the one furthest up the list of people he’d never worry Si Yi might fall in love with.

Fan Mei smiled when she saw him laugh again. While she felt that this whole matter with her brother and that Si Jin and his assistant was suspicious as hell and had even been angry at Shi Ru Qiu for writing that article, seeing him talk about his unrequited love had still been tough. He seemed … well, pitiful if she was to put it nicely. And that kind of pitiful expression was difficult to look at.

“So, if it’s not that, then what is the reason? My brother and that Si Yi don’t seem all that close. Or do you know something I don’t?”

Si Qi shook his head. “No, it’s precisely because they are working together.” He smiled more brightly than before, actually cupping his cheek and looking relaxed for a moment. “It might sound strange when I say it like this but knowing how much I’ve loved Si Yi and for how long, you can’t be surprised that I’ve always tried to stay close to him.

“He might not want me to but I still insist on trying. After all, he won’t notice me if I’m far away, right? No, if I want to have even the faintest chance, then I can’t allow any physical distance between us. That’s what I’ve always thought.

“So for all these years, wherever Si Yi goes, I have followed. The things he takes interest in, I will try them out myself or at least read up on them so that if we meet, I will have something to talk to him about. As for the people he gets to know … well, I’m not a stalker.”

He smiled wryly and lowered his hand when he said this. “I’m not … normally a stalker. I do realize that it sounds like I am where it concerns Si Yi.” He cleared his throat, actually looking embarrassed. He knew that considering the whole Si clan was living in the same house, even if he wasn’t deliberately trying to get close to Si Yi, he would still not be far enough away to miss out on any of these details. Saying it out loud though … it made him sound rather deranged.

For a moment, he didn’t know how to continue. Actually, had he really become that kind of person? Was he … was he obsessed with Si Yi to the point where he had stopped behaving like a normal person? No wonder Si Yi wouldn’t want to be with him.

He lowered his head, his eyes closing halfway. Maybe he had always thought too easy. He had figured that it was because of the Si clan or that he wasn’t good enough but he hadn’t taken into consideration that him trying so hard might be driving Si Yi away even further. Now, he felt even worse.

Si Qi completely closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead. Actually, what did it matter? Hadn’t he already decided to give up and leave the Si clan? So why was he still thinking about this? He should just make true on those words and get it over with. Maybe he wouldn’t even need to stay for much longer.

Anyway, he couldn’t help much past this point. He had been a bit absentminded in the recent weeks so he wasn’t as good at cooking as the others. He wouldn’t make it far in ‘Golden Spoon’. As soon as he was out, he could ask their master to let him go. Knowing him, he probably wouldn’t disagree.

Si Qi sighed and then raised his head again, putting away those thoughts of the future and giving Fan Mei another faint smile. “Never mind that. In any case, it was the same with your brother.

“When I heard that Mr. Si was working with him, I went to find out who he was. Si Yi is always the most concerned with what his boss wants and does. As his assistant, he will go where he goes so … paying attention to Mister Si is the easiest way to keep myself updated on Si Yi’s matters. I … pay him a lot of attention. People who don’t know the inside story might think I’m obsessed with him instead.” He gave a short laugh and grabbed the glass of water again, taking another sip before looking away.

There was a hint of embarrassment on his face and he needed a moment before he gathered himself and turned back to her. Actually, he wasn’t all that ashamed. Any shame he might have felt had been eroded over the years of going after Si Yi. If you tried to win over a man who didn’t care for you and rejected you over and over again, you really needed thick skin to continue. Telling this story really wasn’t enough to make his cheeks burn.

“This matter, I’m telling you about it because I can see that what happened in these last few weeks has been gnawing at you. And I … I think I understand. I can see why it would seem suspicious and with you being a reporter of all things, it might be a bit of an occupational disease to ask one more pointed question after the previous one has just been answered.

“This time, that got you into trouble. It’s sad to see and I won’t deny that I feel responsible for that, in a sense, because I did have a part in it even if I never planned to.

“Whenever there is something that I feel I can do for Si Yi, I will rush into it headfirst without considering the consequences for myself or anyone else. I don’t even ask him, I just do it. Sometimes, that might make him like me even less. But over time, I’ve gotten a bit better at gauging what I can and can’t do.

“You know, Si Yi is the type of man who cares most about his work. There is … a complicated history between him and Mister Si that involves both their families as well. They are so … enmeshed with each other that you really can’t be close to one without the other.

“So what is important to Mister Si is also important to Si Yi. It’s just that Mister Si isn’t the easiest guy to read. In fact, it sometimes seems like he doesn’t care about anything. I know that’s not true. Everyone has things they like and dislike. But it’s just incredibly difficult to tell.

“Well, at the very least, that is mostly the case. There is one thing that is an exception.” He smiled at that and leaned forward. “I don’t need to tell you but Mister Si is enamored with Bright Yellow Water’s Xiao Ming. He’s been watching his streams since … the first day, probably.” He raised his brows and shook his head.

This part, he didn’t need to act. He was truly amazed how fate could be that coincidental. Their master had never been somebody who cared much about others or really got interested in things. They had sometimes wondered if maybe there was something wrong with him. Being that apathetic just didn’t seem normal.

But then, he suddenly discovered that stream. Actually, Si Qi wasn’t even sure how it had happened. Most likely, their master had been looking for something completely else but he had stumbled upon this stream.

Despite the fact that Bright Yellow Water had been less than stellar in those first few streams, something about it had captured his interest for once to the point where he subscribed and tuned in for the second stream as well, finally becoming a regular viewer.

To the ninjas of the Si clan, this was nothing short of a miracle. Even today, they sometimes wondered how it could have happened. But they all knew that this was bound to stay. Even if he never managed to get together with young master Xiao, he would always continue watching that stream. He just was that type of man.

Si Qi smiled faintly, feeling that compared to his master, he really wasn’t that good. He couldn’t show the same restraint. He wanted all or nothing. Just some crumbs would not be enough for him, not for the rest of his life, at least.

“Well, I paid some attention to them. Not too much but just so that I’d have some talking points. So when the talks about Mister Xiao being on ‘Golden Spoon’ came up, I was naturally aware and I figured that with my platform, I could help a bit. Supporting the person that Mister Si likes … it’s bound to get me his appreciation, right? And being appreciated by the one person Si Yi looks up to, that is bound to make him look at me differently as well, right?”

He leaned back with a bright smile before sighing deeply and shaking his head. “It’s just the same old thing but I still did it. Unfortunately, the more attention there was on him, the more trouble that also brought.

“When I saw your article, I knew I couldn’t let that happen. I had a part in making that happen and, maybe more importantly, Mister Si would be devastated. Yes, make no mistake, I’m not that good of a person. Doing this … I was still trying to impress the man I loved.”

He sighed but then just went on. “Since I had already written about him once, I figured it wouldn’t be wrong to do a second piece. Nobody would find it strange — or so I thought. I just went ahead. I didn’t mind exposing any private details regarding the lives of the people from Bright Yellow Water.

“I might have apologized at the end of the article but that was mostly paying lip service. I’m really not a good person. If it can get me just a bit of attention from Si Yi, then I’m willing to do pretty much anything. As bad as that sounds, I can’t change how I am.

“I don’t … I don’t necessarily want to pull other people into this. I’m not cruel. But my priorities are already like this. For Si Yi, I really have no bottom line anymore. It’s wrong but … I can’t help it.”

His lips twitched for just a moment before he got his expression back under control. “Well, Bright Yellow Water got out of the situation quite well so I wasn’t feeling guilty anymore. It was like … doing damage control for something I myself had had a hand in causing to happen. It’s weird but … I figured it should be done.

“And yet, while I could help on that end, that help put you in a difficult spot instead. You were suspicious of all this from the beginning and I stoked that fire further. That was also one of the reasons you did what you did today. I understand and I know I had a part in that.”

He looked at her, his gaze seeming open and a bit apologetic. After a moment though, he gave the same sad smile he had shown several times already since he started talking. “If I had the chance again … I would still do the very same thing because I just am like this. But I still feel sorry toward you.

“I don’t want anybody else to suffer the consequences of what I do. That shouldn’t have happened to you. I can’t change it anymore, I can’t make it up to you. I just … want to make it up to you. I guess that means I haven’t completely lost my conscience yet.”