|Ferdinand Alcott - Northern Noble|
"Can you say it one more time?"
I can see my head butler nod his head.
"The southern nobles have built a clinic and now it has spread to the entire Southern Land."
"How? They should not be able to build it because of the Royal Edict and who is the one leading this project?"
"The one leading this project is the Cunningham Family, more specifically, the heir of the Cunningham Family, Gwyndolin."
"Gwyndolin? He just had his awakening, right? What kind of talent did he get?"
"The spy we have in that territory reported back saying that Gwyndolin has two talents."
"Two talents? Hmmmm."
Having two talents can be considered rare. They can be said to be geniuses among men. Two talents is an individual that appears every hundred years, but even then, some people have more than two talents.
Sadly, those kinds of people are rare.
"What kind of talents does he have?"
"It was a [Druid] and something called [Astrologian]. We do not know what kind of talent it is. Only the church who holds the description of the talent knows other than Gwyndoling himself."
I see. I can ask the church about the description of the talent, but it requires me a lot of money to bribe them. Should I send someone to the church? Yes, let's do that.
"Vir!"
"Yes, my lord."
"Send someone we trust to the church and give them a donation for their good works. In exchange for the donation, I want the description of the talent Gwyndolin Alexander Cunningham has."
"Of course, my lord."
"Good. Go."
Vir bows at me and walks out of the room.
I don't mind losing a good sum of money because I know I need to destroy the clinic in the south. The Alcott family is a well-known family that always produces great healers; we exploit that fact.
We are the ones who make sure the south cannot build a hospital and use any healing power to heal their people. Because of this edict, we rose to power, and our family can be considered one of the wealthiest families in the world.
There are a lot of people in the south, and each year, they need a lot of healers to heal their soldiers and peasants. That is where we come from. We will ensure our service's price is always high but not too unreasonable.
This scheme became our main income. Fifty percent of our income comes from the south, asking us to heal their people. If the clinic spreads, that income will be gone, and our family will go back to becoming a farming house.
I don't want that.
I will make sure the south stays like before. Their suffering will be my stepping stone to reaching a new height. Even if I must go to war with them, I will ensure they stay like before. They are nothing but barbarians, after all. Their life is worthless to us, the northern noble who the Goddess blesses.
|Gwyndolin A. Cunningham – Heir of Cunningham Family|
It has been four months since the project started, and I must say that it has been growing steadily. The clinic became something the other lords agreed with my father and me. Just like him, they never thought that the edict had a loophole that they could use.
Because of this, many letters came from fellow southern nobles asking my father if we could supply the potions and teach their people how to make, use and store them.
Because of this, I need to mass-produce my potions even more. Luckily for me, the golems in my secret lab do not need food to make the potions, and I can summon three hundred of them with a single item.
That's right, single items. In the game, you can only use one pendant at a time, but here, I can use as many pendants as I want. After knowing this, I put all the powerful rings and necklaces I have inside my guild base.
And now I have more than a thousand golem workers for me to order around. They are working as potioneer and farmers on my private land. Father and Mother already know about this and even make sure the secret of my private land does not get out.
We decided to make a dummy medical farm on the opposite part of Cunningham territory. While this land produces a lot of medicinal herbs and plants we need for our potion production, it was not the main one.
And this plan is working because I can see many people snooping around the farmland. I use spells called [Spying Tree] and [Watching Star] to spy around the farmland [Spying Tree] is a skill that lets me spawn a tree that can be disguised into other trees to watch the area around it.
[Watching Star] has the same effect but can only watch an intruder at night. A perfect skill because [Spying Tree] spying ability decreased significantly at night.
"Young master!"
I snap from my thoughts and look at my back. I can see the head maid, an older woman in her mid-fifty. She is called Elizabeth.
"Elizabeth, what can I do for you?"
"Young master, You need to go back!"
"Woah, calm down, Elizabeth Tell me the reason why."
"Monster, young master A powerful monster has appeared just outside the city You need to go back!"
After she said that, I could hear a loud roar coming from the distance. They are coming from the wall of the city. I frown a little and get up from the ground. As I get up, I can see a massive monster in the distance.
"Is that a minotaur?"
"Yes I was a terrible Minotaur!"
Minotaur is just like in Second Life. It has the body and head of a cow, but it stands on two legs. It is bigger than the one in Second Life and also wields a weapon instead of using its bare hand to attack players.
"Come, young master Lord Alexander is already preparing to face the Minotaurs and his army."
"No."
"Come on… Pardon me?"
"No The people will die if we let them come I will hold them or maybe kill them."
"Young master?!"
I cast [Fly] and quickly fly at the monster ignoring the old maid. I arrive above the monster and see a thousand monsters following the Minotaur. I can see the Minotaur look up and roar at me.
Seven cards fly out of my inventory, and I grab my staff before pointing it at the sky.
"My name is Gwyndolin You dare to attack the city protected by my family I shall kill you [Control Weather]!"
The sky darkens, and lightning starts to appear in the sky. As the sky gets even darker, I point my staff at the Minotaur and its army.
"Taste the wrath of Cunningham!"
The sky released a massive thunder and hit the Minotaur.
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The quality of your novel could be greatly improved if you learned how to use the different verbal tenses properly.
Can you give me an example? From this chapter will do. I'm still learning and I'm willing to learn if you willing to point out my mistake and which sentences I need to change to improve.
@LuxVonDeux Well, I am mostly a reader and so cannot give you a great explanation of what I find wrong. It's mostly a general feeling. But there are still a few obvious mistakes (There are actually many other things, but they are not that important):
"Gwyndolin? He is just getting his awakening, right? What kind of talent does he get?"
"The spy we have in that territory reports back saying that Gwyndolin has two talents."
-> "Gwyndolin? He just had his awakening, right? What kind of talent did he get?"
"The spy we have in that territory reported back saying that Gwyndolin has two talents."
"It was a [Druid] and something called [Astrologian]. We did not know what kind of talent it was and only the church who held the description of the talent other than Gwyndoling himself."
-> "It was a [Druid] and something called [Astrologian]. We do not know what kind of talent it is. Only the church who holds the description of the talent knows other than Gwyndoling himself."
I'm actually still not satisfied with the "It was a [Druid] and..." but that will do...
I can see my head butler nod his head and say it one more time.
Vir bowed at me and walked out of the room.
This sentence is at the past tense while the one that came earlier in the chapter is at the present tense.
"Can you tell me that one more time?"
I can see my head butler nod his head and say it one more time.
-> "Can you say that one more time?"
I watch as my head butler nods his head and says it again.
Here, the problem wasn't really related to tenses but you tend to make too many repetitions. You should use more synonyms. I also made a few other changes to make it sound better.
Lucky for me, the golem in my secret lab did not need food to make the potions, and I could summon three hundred of them in a single item.
-> Luckily for me, the golems in my secret lab do not need (I changed the tense here because the golems are still there at the time the sentence is said. Or, if they are not, then just continue with the past tense.) food to make the potions, and I can summon three hundred of them with a single item.
After knowing this, I put all the powerful rings and necklaces I have inside my guild base.
-> After learning about this, I put on all the powerful rings and necklaces I had inside my guild base.
We decide to make a dummy medical farm on the opposite part of Cunningham territory.
-> We decided to make a dummy medical farm on the opposite part of Cunningham territory.
Edit: After rereading the things I corrected, your problem is not really with tenses but with verbs in general. And you should also use more synonyms to avoid repetitions.
Also, I advise you to make your own research. I am not a native speaker and although I consider myself to be quite good at English, I have most likely left many mistakes untouched or I may have even made some myself.
"My name is Gwyndolin You dare to attack the city protected by my family I shall kill you [Control Weather]!"
The sky darkens, and lightning starts to appear in the sky. As the sky gets even darker, I point my staff at the Minotaur and its army.
"Taste the wrath of Cunningham!"
Well he is certainly a ham.
Seriously, that whole "you dare?!" and a cringy one-liner were unnecessary. Unless that's the kind of character you want to make him, an over-dramatic, cheesy dude
"How? They should not be able to build it because of the Royal Edict and who is the one leading this project?"
This is quite weird sentence. It implies that they would not be physically able to build them, as in the decree has actual power in stopping them. Would make more sense with something like "That is forbidden from them by a Royal Decree, are they defying it? And who is leading this project?".
I don't mind losing a good sum of money because I know I need to destroy the clinic in the south. The Alcott family is a well-known family that always produces great healers; we exploit that fact.
A little thing with these kind of people is that they don't see anything wrong with what they are doing. So they would not say things like "we exploit" or aknowledge "their suffering" or that they need the money, instead they would be proud of providing their superior healing "just for a low price" to the savages that can't seem to realize how big of a favor they do for them.
They would be annoyed that someone dares to try and compete with them with their inferior healing and would want to make sure that an upstart would see how stupid it is to try and take what is theirs by right.
I was a terrible Minotaur!
Naturally. Yer a human after all!
the mc is really op?
I wish he could polymorph into a moonkin and start /dance. >.>
Yes I was a terrible Minotaur
knows other than Gwyndoling himself."
Gwyndolin
So short ...
I know, sorry about that. IRL problem keep coming and take away my free time.
@LuxVonDeux ohhh that's ok it's just me loving this novel