“You know, the last thing that you’d expect to go through your head when to meet your end would be the lyrics to an early 2000s boy band song huh. Well that’s what happened to me. I was admiring the faded bumper of the Ford Transit that was screeching towards my head when everything went dark, nothing, nada. None of that heaven nor hell stuff. Man death is boring”

I wish I had my MP3 player here with me, that’d liven death up a bit…..heh…

“I’ve been to the year 3000….”

“Well I guess I won’t actually. Man death sucks, 19 years old and I hadn’t even left home yet not seen the world, all those cliches. I hope my corpse wasn’t too badly beaten up, that funeral would suck…”

Oh crap. I didn’t have a will did I? My bastard brother is probably gonna get half my stuff, any of what he wanted anyway. Also they’re gonna play some rubbish at my funeral. I wanted Owl City...or Busted, hell even Smash Mouth would do.

“Well, I ought to tell you who I am. I’m Sylvie Wade, a pretty average girl. Also dead, it seems. I liked music, cars ...generally just pop culture things...did I tell you death sucked?”

“Well okay, there was like. This dude. Total creepster, lived next door. The rumours in the neighbourhood that he used to be this big footballer. Got kicked off the team for being a twat and got into some dark shit. I think I saw him just before I died. Thought nothing of it. I felt a big push before I went over and said hi to 5 tonnes of overloaded van, possibly was him. I don’t know though”

“I’m English if you can’t tell, fellow ghost people, from the south. No I’m not from London, nor do I know the Queen. I’m running out of stuff to say. Guess I’ll shut up now”

And so I did, the other ghosts in the blackness weren’t very talkative. Death for me turned out to be a bit like a grey doctor's waiting room, with the occasional flash of white that I assumed was another ghost. I just sat there for god knows how long, tapping my boot to the rhythm of the song in my head. The same one I was listening to before I died, guess that stuck with me.

I had lost track of how long it actually had been by the time the door opened, it wasn't the door to the office though, the exit door opened with a near silent whoosh. I stood up and lingered for a few seconds, all I could see beyond the door was a bright white glow.

“Guess it can’t be worse than this” I shrug and step into the void.

The first thing I knew was that this fucking hurt, I was being shocked. Electricity seemed to be pulsing through my body and it was absolute agony, then it all stopped and I swear I could see smoke rising out above me.

“YES, IT ALL WORKED!” A gruff male voice hollers victoriously. “Can you hear me?”

“I” my voice croaks, I don’t know why “ca-ack” I can’t seem to speak properly so I nod slightly.

“Well girl. Now I think you’ll find that you owe a lot to me. I’ve brought you back from the dead, had to put you back together a bit, had to wait until they’d forgotten you before I dug you up, so you’ve missed a lot” No fucking shit, I was waiting in there forever. I turn my head and see him, the guy who pushed me, the creepy fuck next door. I quickly scramble off of the table I was laid on, putting it between me and him.

“Now girly, that’s no way to react to your saviour. You’re going to become my undead maid, he gestures to an empty Mannequin. I looked down in horror and he actually had dressed me in some fucked up maid’s outfit, this is a big nope from me. I ain’t being some fuck’s maid. I kick the table over, knocking an oil lamp to the floor, thunder strikes outside and I can hear rain pattering the roof of the building. The lamp’s oil spills out and catches light, a small fire is now raging on his side of the table.

He panics and jumps backwards before looking around for something to put out the fire. I’m after an escape route, I’m lucky to have been on the side that a window is on. I pick up a brick lying on top of a stack and attempt to chuck it out the window, unfortunately my arm appears to go with the brick, my green tinged skin glinting in the glow of the moon. I pause for a millisecond, staring at the now broken window and my arm on the other side of it.

I’m a freakin’ zombie!? I cough again, trying to get my voice to work and say something witty. I give up and leap up towards the window, a few stray bits of glass cutting into my flesh, but causing me no pain. I guess my outer skin is quite numb. I make it outside and grab my detached limb, locking it back into place in its socket. I look back towards the shed I’d just escaped from. I see the light from the fire go down and decide its my time to make like a banana and split, so I leg it into the dark of the night.

Fuck, fuck fuuuuuuck that was too close, way too close.

I make it out to the road before realising I ought to be careful, its not exactly halloween so people wouldn’t be expecting a zombie in the street, my first destination is to check home, which was the Bungalow just a few metres down the road. I see a dilapidated looking Suzuki parked on the drive, it looked an awful lot like my old car, I check the number plate and it matches entirely, but no-one other cars are there. Theres a light on upstairs, so I knock on the door violently. I hear a shuffle from inside so someone’s definitely in. I check behind me and I don’t see the creep so he hasn’t followed yet. The door swings open and light seeps outside.

“Who’re you, its way too late to-AH!” A man opens up the door, he has a bit of fluff on his chin but he looks an awful lot like my brother.
“Gu-ur-ai?” I was trying to say his name but all that came out was a sort of growl that sounded vaguely English. He's shocked and frightened. I shake my head violently and raise my hand in the peace symbol. “Ple-uh-es..-elp” He is backing away slowly, I take a step forwards and a glint of recognition lights up in Guy’s eyes.

“Wait, Sylvie? Is that you?” I nod. “You’re a zombie?” I nod again. I mime a piece of paper and write some words.
“Ca-gu-ot -alk et”

“Right, wait there” Guy disappears into the living room and reappears with a notepad and a pen he puts it on the floor and shoves it along to me, rightfully keeping a distance between us, I must look pretty frightening huh. I quickly scribble what happened onto the pad and chucked it back to him, my arm thankfully not in tow this time around. He catches it and shuffles through it quickly, before collapsing to his knees.

“We...were so heartbroken by your death, mum...dad...they split, moved away. I’ve been living here alone for a while. You’ve been dead nigh on 15 years you know” wait...15 years...doing the maths...its 2025? Are you kidding me?! It was my turn to sink to my knees. What else did I miss? Out for the count for 15 years, damn.

Guy shuffles forwards on his knees and cautiously takes me into his arms. “Its okay now, you’re safe and ...um...sort of alive?” I pat him on the back, it really must have been traumatising to lose your sister, and then for your parents to split up and bugger off like that. I wipe a tear from his face with my hand. He stiffens and his face hardens, he was always a bit of a crybaby when I last saw him, so I am a little surprised by this turn on his emotional rollercoaster.

“You’ve missed so much, I can’t wait to show you everything, follow me” He turns and starts up the stairs towards the bathroom and bedrooms. I follow silently, having closed the front door behind me. Thunder strikes again, hitting somewhere relatively close by, I tug at the hem of the dress, it was super uncomfortable and ruffly. We reached the top of the wooden steps and he gestures to where my old room was.

I take a peek in and see the purple wallpaper just as I’d remembered it, a small stack of soft toys lying on the corner of my bed, a tortoise enclosure on a table in the middle, my old TV and game consoles sitting underneath, the only difference was a framed picture of me on the desktop and a set of flowers, Guy speaks up: “I kept it as you left it when you were taken from us Sylvie” He was tearing up again. I stepped into the room, wiggling my grey tinged bare feet on the carpet.

“Tha-a-nks” I think my vocal cords just about managed that word. I point to the wardrobe and look to Guy for confirmation. He nods.

“It’s all there, I need to go make a phone-call. I have a feeling I might find somewhere you can fit in” He closes the door, leaving me in my room by myself. I quickly tore into the wardrobe, finding my old clothes dusty, but still there. I pull out a long red long kimono-esque gown and brush it off. I catch sight of me in the mirror.

As I said before, my skin was like an odd mixture of a green-ish grey tinge but was also darker in some places. I appeared to be stitched together around my neck, I quickly pull off the maid’s outfit to appraise the damages done to my body. Yup, as I expected, I was a bit of a mess, my right arm and leg both appear to have been stitched onto my body, and there is a length of bandaging running down my torso as well, my best guess is that my body got dragged down the road a fair bit. I make a mental note to not look underneath the bandaging.

My eyes are perhaps even weirder than my body, they glow green in the low light of the room. “I’m never gonna fit back in, what on earth am I gonna do?” Is what I would have said, if it didn’t just come out as some guttural moans. I put on a shirt and jeans over my underwear and then slip back into the familiar gown I used to wear all the time. Once dressed I open the door back to the landing. I can hear Guy downstairs on the phone, he seems to be negotiating with someone on the phone. I turn back into my room and switch the TV on with the remote.

It loads up and the news first pops on and throws me for a loop, one of the presenters has a freakin’ horn, it then cuts to the weather and the lady presenting has sharp teeth like a vampire.

“This storm looks set to rage for a few more days yet, with lashing gale force winds and thunder, it should clear by next wednesday though, and the temperatures are looking to soar, shame I can’t get out there and enjoy it though” the woman says with a wink to the camera, she returns to a stool that is placed to the side. The camera swishes back to the duo presenting it. The big male with the horn shuffles the paper on the desk.

“In other news, we’ve just been told of the birth of a new Centaur child at the Winchester Hospital for Myth-mon beings, this is a once a year occurrence and isn’t without risk, so we’re glad to hear it was a success”

Wait, so like. Centaurs? Vampires?....whatever that dude with a horn is? Thats all real? I pinch my cheek to see if it hurts, momentarily forgetting I’m a zombie. “Oh right, guess that doesn’t work” I move over to the table with the tortoise enclosure and pick up my laptop, which was resting next to it. I blow off all the dust and flop down on the floor, opening it up.

I hit the button and luckily it had been left plugged in so it loads up, after a minute or two the login screen appears and I type in my password. Invariably I had some things to hide from others so I never told anyone my password. The laptop accepts it and then continues to boot up, while that was going on I look into the enclosure to see a small set of eyes peering up at me. Colin had come out to see me, last I’d seen him he was a baby Hermann’s Tortoise, but he’d grown considerably in my absence. I put a hand down and stroked his carapice.

My attention is brought back to the laptop when it began beeping at me, I see a facebook tab left open with a load of notifications up, wary I click on it and read through them. Man I thought death was weird, actually being able to read all the messages of condolences and sadness people had at my passing. I don’t really know how to feel, a weird state of melancholy. I decide I need to post something, monster people seem to be normal right now right?

Sylvie Wade
Just now:

I’m back baby!