The bus sped past right as Maya left the building. The lit interior showed a few exhausted-looking students pressed up against the windows before being whisked away by what was supposed to be her ride home. She groaned and slumped her shoulders in defeat.

That late at night, the buses only showed up once an hour, meaning she would have to either walk home, get a ride from a friend, or wait by a streetlight in the middle of the night for much longer than she would ever want to.

“Looks like I’m walking,” she grumbled to herself.

After spending the whole shift thinking about Ben, she wasn’t excited to be alone with her thoughts for the long trek back to her apartment. The wind whipped past her ears, making her pull her jacket tight and wish for earmuffs.

I guess this is what I deserve. I left myself with no friends and now I’m out in the cold.

She stared at the bus stop for a moment before reluctantly plodding through the snow. There wasn’t a lot of snow left on the ground, thankfully. But of course that meant instead of a pretty, sparkling white view all the way home, it would be endless marching through gray slush. The trade off for not having to worry about getting snow in her boots, she supposed.

A few steps in, her music stopped. She had been listening to it all shift and had hoped to continue on her way home. But glancing down at her phone, she saw the battery had died.

Even better. Now I have no way to call anyone if something happens.

She wished that she hadn’t dragged her feet about getting pepper spray for her purse. Thankfully, she figured her well-lit college town was more dangerous at a frat party than on the sidewalks. Nevertheless, she stayed centered on the path and continued home. It would be safer without music anyway, now that nobody could sneak up on her easily. On the other hand, now her thoughts had nothing to focus on other than herself and her problems.

Desperately, she forced herself to look at the scenery, hoping she would find an appreciation for how different everything was at night. The trees looked sinister without leaves, and the wind blowing through them reminded Maya of skeletons, though she wasn’t sure why. The school buildings were dark, unfamiliar silhouettes now. Without any lights on inside they also made her uneasy, as if the entire campus was abandoned and she was a spirit just wandering through. The river to her side was no comfort either. For the past couple months, whenever she would visit it during the day, her duck friend wasn’t there. As much as she was sure it just flew south for the winter, she couldn’t help but worry.

The last time she saw the duck was on the day of the fair. It was after everything had happened and she went there to be alone. Watching it gently swim around and dip its head in the water had calmed her down faster than any other method. She accepted that her train of thought would lead her back to Ben again. Getting caught in a memory would at least keep her from being scared the whole walk home.

 

Maya had just collected herself after crying between some booths. The fair was just about to start for real. All of the work they had done would finally have a payoff. She brushed off what had just happened between her and Ben, instead focusing all her energy into their presentation. Maya knew it wasn’t going to blow anyone’s mind, in fact maybe nobody would care. But it was okay. As long as one person would understand what her world looks like a little better. If that happened, then all the stress and effort would have been worth it.

With one last glance in her phone’s reflection, she was confident that her tears hadn’t ruined her makeup and set off back to their stand. Her smoothie was nearly gone, so she hastily downed the rest and tossed the cup into a nearby trash can. Forcing a smile on her face, she marched up next to Ben.

“Alright, how much time until we’re expected to have people show up?” She asked.

Ben seemed startled by her question. Perhaps because she had been timid all day and was now taking some real initiative.

“Oh, it should start any minute now. All the other ‘letters’ are here and ready so I don’t think we should leave again,” he said.

Maya nodded and looked around. Sure enough, all the other groups' projects were on display. She noticed that the others had way more people surrounding them, reminding her that their group was the smallest by far in the club. In fact, there were enough people that she couldn’t really make out the L or G groups project other than the latter was a large painting sitting on an easel. The B group to their right was easier to see from her position. They had also done a sculpture, with a well-detailed model of Earth as the focus. She made a note to go over later and get a closer look. On their left, the Q group had a board set up with lots of small poems displayed on it. They also seemed to be playing some music they had written themselves.

Silently, she worried if her and Ben’s piece was too simple. It wasn’t as big or flashy or even creative as the others. What if nobody took theirs seriously? Though she knew that with only two people, nobody would have expected them to match the larger groups. Still, the fear lingered.

“It’s nice that we got to stick with something simple. It will keep people moving through so we have to do less talking,” Ben said. Somehow he must have sensed Maya’s panic building. “And the only questions we have to answer are about the piece. The main club stand handles anyone asking about joining the club.”

Even though she knew he was trying to calm her down, it worked. And that annoyed her.

Can’t he just be rude to me so I can hate him in peace? He’s giving both of us false hope.

Maya’s stomach dropped as she watched the main booth start pointing people toward the art pieces. Their little stand had a big T printed on the front, so everyone who looked over would instantly know she and Ben were trans, if they couldn’t tell already.

As people made their way over, she was thankful that most seemed to head toward the other letters. It was after ten or so people that anyone even got close to their booth. Finally, it was time.

Their first viewers were a seemingly normal college student straight couple. The girl was dressed a little more modest than a lot of her classmates, while the guy had a gray cap on his head and a wrinkly t-shirt and pair of jeans on.

“Hey!” Ben made first contact.

The guy waved and looked off into the distance, clearly uninterested.

“Hi!” It was the girl who responded. “This is the ‘transgender’ part of the club, right? Is it just you two?”

“Afraid so, yes. Not as many people as the other sections but we’re still happy to be here,” Ben said.

“So that means you two are like… “ She scanned the two up and down, then a smile crept across her face. “Ah, got it.”

Maya hated that. It happened every time she managed to come out to anyone. Once they knew she was trans, it was as if she would always look like a man in their eyes, no matter what.

“We’re trans, yeah. And we’re happy to answer any questions about our sculpture if you’d like.” Ben said. She knew he must have been equally annoyed as her, yet he somehow maintained his composure.

“Oh, sure! I mean this is really cute, definitely! But truth be told, my little brother just came out as trans so I was hoping I could ask about that? Oh I guess little sister now, huh?” The woman laughed and nudged her boyfriend, who gave a half-hearted smile in response and returned to texting on his phone.

Ben took a deep breath before he spoke again. They obviously weren’t obligated to talk about anything like that with people, but making a scene could be more damaging in the long run.

“That must be a big change for everyone. What kind of questions did you have in mind?” Ben stepped forward a bit, placing Maya behind him.

She wondered if it was to stop her from being asked anything, since the woman’s sibling was clearly going to be transitioning the same way as Maya.

“Well just like, is it hard? Or expensive? Would you say it’s even worth it?” She asked.

“It’s definitely a hard path to be on, and it can definitely get expensive without insurance,” Ben started. “But I’d also say that it’s completely worth it. I know for me at least, living a regular happy life wouldn’t be possible otherwise.”

Maya was blown away by how much charisma he had. How could he just talk to a total stranger about something so personal? And to someone who was as dense as this woman, well intentioned as she may be.

The woman thanked Ben before leaving with her disinterested boyfriend. Maya sighed, thankful they survived their first encounter. She didn’t even interact with them and still felt exhausted.

“You did a great job with them,” Maya said.

Ben gave a weak smile. “Thanks, but they didn’t even care about our project. We didn’t work on it as hard as we did for people to just ask us questions like that.”

She supposed that was true. Another set of people approached them before she could come up with a reply. This time it was a younger looking boy with an older woman, who Maya presumed to be his mother.

Could this guy be trans? He does look a little baby faced… And why else would he come to something like this?

He looked excited as he approached, while the woman following him looked worn out.

“Woah, a sculpture! This looks so cool.” The kid, who Maya was now unsure if he was a student at their college or a local high schooler there for fun, pulled out his phone and started snapping pictures of their piece from all different angles.

“If you have any questions about it, um, feel free to ask us.” Maya said. It helped that he seemed so innocent and excited. She didn’t want Ben to be the only one that ever spoke.

“Sorry about him,” the woman said. “He has this art-blog-thing that he does. He gets super into it. He wants to go to this school once he graduates.”

So he’s just a high schooler. Was assuming he was trans rude? I guess so.

“That sounds really cool!” Ben said. “What’s it called? I’d like to check it out later, if you don’t mind.”

The boy's ears perked up. “Sure! I actually have a card here.” He reached into his backpack and handed Ben a small white business card. “I love fairs like these where I can speak directly to the artists themselves, so this club is like a goldmine.”

Wow, this kid is serious.

His mom shook her head with a smile. She must be used to this.

“Hey, do you mind if I get a picture with you two standing next to this?” He asked. “I like to show the artist in my posts when I can. I’m assuming you made this, yeah?”

“Yup!” Ben slid the card into his pocket. “We’d be happy to pose for a photo.”

Maya nodded along and walked over to stand to the side of their piece next to Ben.

This is a bad idea, right? My picture is going to be associated with this now. If he puts my name on his site, it will be one of the first things anyone sees if they Google my name. I should just walk away, I don’t need this.

Click. The boy’s phone made a shutter sound.

Oh well. No backing out now. I guess I knew what I was getting into.

“I’ll keep an eye out for when you post about this!” Ben said as the two walked headed toward the next stand. He then turned to Maya. “Well, that was definitely interesting.”

“Do you think he’ll actually write a post for this?” Maya replied quickly, not wanting to reveal how nervous she was about her photo being taken.

“He seemed into it, yeah.” Ben replied. “And it looks like he’s visiting all of the club's projects so he might post all of them together if I had to guess. Will be cool to read about when he’s done!”

“Yeah…” Maya trailed off as she noticed more people approaching.

The next half hour passed by without incident. Some people came up, looked at their piece, and walked away. A few would chat with Ben and a couple even applauded it and swore it was their favorite, though Maya assumed it was more out of politeness than sincerity.

Just as things were slowing down, when Maya was allowing herself to feel safe, a familiar voice caught her attention.

“Yeah, over there. It was those two.” Her heart dropped.

Maya turned in time to see Jamie walking toward her, with two others following behind them. The last time she saw them was weeks prior at the club meeting where things turned sour. She nudged Ben who was looking up at the clouds, completely oblivious. It wasn’t clear what they wanted, just that they looked upset. She wanted Ben to be alert.

“Hey, what do you need?” Ben said as they got closer, completely deadpan. The energetic personality she saw him use with the others was replaced with a much sterner one.

“I just wanted to make it known that you two kicked me out of this project for not being the ‘right type’ of trans.” Jamie said.

“We didn’t kick you out,” Ben said. “I just thought that your idea sucked.”

Maya flinched. She knew that was sure to make this argument heat up.

“You refused to listen to any of my suggestions and then you kept working on it without telling me or Sky.” Jamie looked to be getting angrier. “Just admit it, you hate non-binary people.”

Ben started to raise his voice. “I don’t hate you, I hate being lumped in with you.”

The two new people behind Jamie looked appalled at what they just heard. Maya guessed they were there as Jamie’s backup.

“Like it or not, we’re all trans,” one of them said. “Just because you don’t understand us doesn’t mean you can leave us out to dry.”

A few people from the stands nearby looked over while a small crowd was beginning to form.

“Please, can we calm down a bit?” Maya begged.

“I’m just trying to defend myself!” Ben yelled.

“Who are you to talk, anyway?” Jamie approached Maya as she spoke. “You think you’re innocent when you stand behind him and silently back him up? Not one bit.”

“Oh leave her out of it,” Ben snapped. “If you want to feel righteous then at least aim it at me. You never reached out to us about the project, so after storming off we assumed you had both quit.”

Maya retreated as Jamie’s focus returned to Ben. The crowd had gotten a bit bigger, and Maya began to recognize some faces in it. The boy who had taken a photo of her, Kyle and Sam from the club. For a second she thought she spotted a co-worker’s face but it vanished. Meanwhile, the arguing grew louder.

“Your life won’t get easier by tossing us aside, you know.” Jamie said. “If you want to make things better for yourself, we aren’t the group you should be focusing on.”

“I don’t care what you do.” Ben said, his voice steadier. “I want people to know we are not the same. That you want to destroy gender, and I’m fine with the one I transitioned to. I want trans efforts to go towards providing hormones and surgeries. I want others like me or Maya to get support for transitioning when we feel alone and are traumatized by our own bodies. I don’t want to fight some war on gender norms.”

Everything was silent while Jamie seemed to process everything Ben had just said. Frustration and anger boiled up inside her.

Why is he arguing? Can’t he just let it go?

After a few seconds, Jamie spoke again. “If you think it will work out that way, and that the second we’re out of the picture that people won’t turn on you next, then you’re stupider than I thought.”

All eyes were focused on them. No, on her. Everyone in the crowd was seeing right through her. They could tell she was trans, that she was sick, that she was broken. She had to leave.

 Maya noticed Ben glance over at her. Some of the anger left his face, now replaced with worry.

“Whatever,” Ben said. “Just stop making a scene. Your idea was dumb, that’s why we didn’t pick it. Nobody here hates you, okay?”

“Hah!” Jamie laughed. “As if your mirror idea is anything special. What are you, some angsty middle-schooler? Get over yourselves.”

 

Maya wasn’t sure the exact order of events after that. She just ran. Ran away from the argument, ran away from the crowd that was gawking at her, ran away from Ben who yelled for her to come back.

It was the last time she saw Ben. After the fair she transferred to an earlier ceramics class and never went back to the LGBT club. She feared that she would seek too much comfort from him if she did see him. Then everything would just repeat. She would just be reminded that she hates herself and her body. She would push him away again. Everything would stay messy.

What she wanted more than anything, more than comfort or peace, was a chance to grow. That was the only way she could see a happy ending for herself. Yet, she could never find a catalyst. A way to trigger her great shift to being a complete person. Was she just too young? She knew plenty of unhappy people who were much older than her, so waiting didn’t seem to be very effective. Why was it so hard to improve?

It hadn’t been ten minutes of walking home, and Maya was already feeling nauseous from being alone with her thoughts. Each step was heavier than the last. Eventually she was just shuffling toward her apartment and hoping no other thoughts would creep in.

One or two cars had passed by during that time. Whenever she heard an engine get closer she felt the need to speed up a bit, but they just flew past her, barraging her with with a cold gust of wind.

The next car was different. She heard the rumbling get louder from behind her, then saw the headlights shine on the street next to her. This car seemed to slow down after she was in the lights. Fear set in. Hopefully they were just being careful not to drive recklessly near a person, maybe an overly cautious drunk student who doesn’t want to risk anything.

But, as the car got next to her, it nearly stopped. Maya was about to start running when the driver called out to her.

“Maya? Is that you?”

She stopped and looked toward the car. It was Ethan. Sure enough he was staring at her, just as confused as she was. Normally she would have felt fine with this, except she had hardly spoken to Ethan in months. Only twice since she had turned down his confession. And last she heard, he didn’t have a car on campus.

Of course. Why wouldn’t he show up now? What if he’s upset with me? He’s not the kinda guy to do anything crazy, but still…

For a moment she considered ignoring him and continuing down the street. Instead, she decided losing another friend would do her no favors.

“Oh, Ethan! Hey, what’s up?” She said.

“Just grabbing some food, why are you out here so late? Let me give you a ride back to your place.”

He did look worried, and Maya knew him well enough to feel safe getting in his car. Still, something held her in place. It wasn’t fear for her safety or well-being. It was a feeling of shame. As if she would be betraying someone by getting in with him. What would Ben think if he found out? And more importantly, why was that her main concern? Her fingers and ears were numb from the cold, her legs were tired after a long shift. Why should she bother caring what other people think?

She forced a smile and walked around to the passenger’s seat. No other cars were around. No people, just the two of them.

“Thanks, I was freezing to death,” she said. As she buckled in, the car started moving again.

“I can’t believe you were just going to walk home. Are the buses not running late anymore?” Ethan asked while staring ahead.

“Well, I missed one and would have waited for an hour, so I just figured…” Maya trailed off as she stared out the window.

“Ah, gotcha. Well still, that can’t be safe. Why didn’t you call up Ben to walk with you at least?” Ethan asked.

Maya nearly gagged. How could she possibly tell Ethan, who she rejected, that the guy she chose over him was already out of the picture? He was bound to be upset, right?

No, she didn’t choose Ben over Ethan. She simply rejected Ethan for her own reasons. But is that how he would see it?

“I’m not really talking to Ben anymore.”

“Oh?” He seemed surprised. “That’s a shame, you guys seemed to have a lot of fun together. When we worked on that project for your club it was like I’d never seen you smile so much.”

Maya refused to acknowledge what he said. She made her decision and knew she couldn’t change it now. Reminiscing on old times would do nothing for her.

“Happens,” was all she could think to respond with.

“You know,” Ethan said with a slight tremor in his voice, “we should hang out again. I know I made things awkward, but…”

“Yes! Definitely, let’s get pizza again like we used to!” Maya said, not even trying to hide her excitement. “Or play games, or whatever!”

She didn’t care how awkward it might be, she needed a distraction or it was obvious she would go crawling back to Ben. She would have reached out to him earlier that night if her phone hadn’t died.

Ethan’s face lit up. “Yeah? Okay! How’s pizza tomorrow sound?”

“Perfect. I’ve been craving it all week.” Maya smiled. The decision felt right, though she couldn’t explain why. Did she make the wrong call way back when he asked her out? Did she have it all wrong?

The car came to a halt as they reached Maya’s apartment complex.

“So I can pick you up right here around six tomorrow, is that alright?”

“Yeah, that would be great.” Maya smiled at him as she exited the car and headed inside.

As she walked upstairs, the reality of everything began to sink in. Did she just agree to a date? They had gone for pizza tons of times before, why did this feel different? And why did she feel happy?

It’s not a date. We’re just friends catching up, getting pizza again like we used to. I’m sure he won’t get the wrong idea, he knows how I feel. 

Perhaps months of isolating herself from her two closest friends just made her desperate for anything. Surely her feelings for Ethan haven’t truly changed after such a short time. She still just saw him as a good friend.

After getting into her apartment she hurried to her bed and collapsed onto it. Though for this first time in a while, it was simply out of exhaustion and not despair.

No. If Ethan really does like me then I should give him a chance. Look at how happy just a short interaction made me. And after being friends for so long, there’s clearly some chemistry between us, right?

She pulled out her phone, considering sending a text to him before remembering it was out of battery. Relieved that she didn’t have to make the decision now, she headed to the bathroom to wash up instead.

I’ll give this a shot. I can make this work. Ethan could be the catalyst. He has to be.