Maya was emotionally exhausted. In the span of twenty minutes she had cried her eyes out over losing a close friend, was terrified to share her secret, and then immensely grateful to said friend for being in her life. She felt drained. And there was still more to go.

Her coffee shop meeting with Karen had yet to end. They both knew they would see each other again a few more times before Karen moved. Yet neither of them spoke, afraid that it would lead to a goodbye. There was an unspoken deal between them to not end their time together too soon. Words weren’t coming easily to either of them, just occasional sips of their drinks while they collected themselves.

Karen would be the one to eventually break the silence. “I do sorta wish you had told me sooner,” she said. “Not because I’m upset or anything! But I’m sure it’s not easy to never be able to talk with anyone about it.”

“I know,” Maya said after giving one final sniffle. “It can definitely feel isolating sometimes. And I get overly paranoid. Having to hear people give their political takes right in front of me is painful sometimes…”

Karen winced. “I never said anything too bad, right? If so, I’m really sorry!”

“No, don’t worry!” Maya assured her. “Compared to everyone else in the store you’re a saint.” She set her hand on the table as a gesture of good will. “I always felt comfortable around you, I promise.”

Taking her hand, Karen relaxed. “That’s great to hear. Honestly, that was my biggest concern after hearing that rumor!”

The two laughed and withdrew their hands. There was a foreign feeling Maya had growing within. It started when she first told Karen her “bombshell secret” and just kept building. Each passing second she got a little closer to putting a name on it, until finally it hit her.

She had new freedom. The constant fear of being clocked, the social equivalent of needing to check over her shoulder every few seconds. It wasn’t present. There was a faint version of it somewhere inside of her, but for the moment it had no hold on her.

“By the way,” Karen asked, “what did you mean by getting paranoid? Did you already think there was a rumor going around?”

“Oh, um,” Maya paused as she tried to find the best way to phrase her anxieties. “I guess it might seem weird, but I’m always convinced that everyone I talk to can tell that I’m trans just by looking at me. Well not always but it’s just in the back of my head all the time. Like it should be obvious by how gross I am. Like how I look off you know? I probably sound like a weirdo.” She ended her sentence by cramming her cup in her mouth and finishing it with one big gulp.

“Calm down,” Karen laughed as she spoke. “You sound completely sane.” Karen looked as if she had just solved a complicated riddle, or found the missing piece of a jigsaw puzzle. “That honestly sounds similar to how I used to be.”

“Huh?” Maya couldn’t help but blurt out her confusion.

What’s that supposed to mean? Did Karen used to have issues with her gender? Is Karen also trans??

“I was your age, maybe a little younger when things got bad,” Karen continued. “First year at college, brand new place, all new people. You know the freshman fifteen? Well yeah, I gained a bit of weight.” She spoke confidently and with nostalgia in her voice. Maya wondered how this was similar to her being trans. “Now, keep in mind lots of other kids my age packed on some pounds too. I definitely wasn’t alone. Looking back, it wasn’t enough to cause as much stress as it did. Still, it drove me insane. I had my fair share of body image issues in high school, don’t get me wrong. This, though, was a whole new beast.

“I bought a scale and began to meticulously weigh myself. I spent at least two hours a day looking for imperfections in the mirror. I even seriously considered cosmetic surgery. Somehow a tiny bit of weight gain set off a whole slew of issues I suddenly had with myself. And just like you, I had a voice in my head constantly telling me what everyone around me thought. That they hated me; thought I was overweight, ugly, gross. It becomes downright debilitating at a certain point…”

Karen paused. “Sorry, this is probably getting a little too heavy.”

“No!” Maya insisted. “Seriously, please continue. If you want. It’s reassuring to know I’m not the only one who thinks like that. How did you get out of that cycle? You did get out of it, right?”

“I did, for the most part.” Karen smiled. “Of course, it’s no secret I’m a bit on the heavier side these days, and accepting that was a big step in all of it. It was tough. I had no clue where to find help, or even that help existed. It seemed at first that my brain was just collapsing with no way to stop it. That me hating myself so strongly was the ‘new normal’ and I had no way back to the old me. The only way I managed was through pure luck, honestly.”

Maya frowned. “So it all just went away on its own?”

“No, not at all!” Karen said. “I mean that I got lucky meeting the right person at the right time. She was one of my professors who had seen me struggling on assignments and reached out. At the start of the year I was always chatting with her and turning in assignments on time, so when I became distant and my grades started plummeting she knew something was up.

“And it really was lucky. At that time in my life I was less open about my problems and thoughts and all that. But when she talked to me after a class one day, I guess a part of me just had enough and spilled everything. Every ounce of weight I gained, every skin imperfection I had, each proportion of mine that I thought was grotesque and abnormal. All of it. I even confessed to some not-so-safe diets I had tried. It’s honestly pretty embarrassing looking back, but I’m better off for it now.

“What really amazed me about her is that, after I was done ranting about my problems, covered in tears and snot, she didn’t seem annoyed in the slightest. If anything, she acted relieved. She must have been used to students bottling up and brushing off her concerns, and I was the only one lucky enough to take her up on her offer and just vent.”

“Huh, so venting then? That’s what helped?” Maya asked.

Karen laughed. “I wish! No, that was just the beginning of it. After that I met with her more often, at least once a week, usually more. She told me about her own experiences with her body image. Turns out it wasn’t quite as rare as I thought, just that most people struggle in silence. Pretty common sense now, but I was young and dumb, you’ll have to forgive me.

Anyway, she gave me some little methods I could use to try and improve my mindset. Things like regular exercise instead of dieting, journaling my thoughts instead of letting them fester in my head, meditating instead of pacing and checking the mirror fifty times a day. And don’t get me wrong, each of those were helpful and improved my mental health a tiny bit. But what really helped was just knowing that someone else had fought my same fight before and had survived it. Finally I had concrete proof that it wasn’t impossible for me to make it.”

Karen leaned back in her chair after finishing her story, satisfied that she could at last finish her coffee.

Maya nodded as everything settled into her brain. “Okay, that actually makes sense! So like a role model?”

“Yeah, a lot like that.” Karen said. “Someone to act as living proof you aren’t alone, aren’t insane.”

“So, kinda like what’s happening right now with you and me?” Maya said hesitantly.

Immediately a large grin grew on Karen’s face, as if she had been waiting for Maya to make the revelation the entire time. “Exactly like this.”

Happy that she wasn’t misreading the situation, Maya grew an identical grin, though it was short lived. “But wait,” she said. “You’re leaving soon. It must have taken more than a few weeks to work through everything.”

Karen sighed. “Well, true. You know I’m  always available for you to call and talk to! Not always always, of course. I’ll have an office job, but you know what I mean! And who ever said you could only have one person to relate to? Find a support group! There must be some LGBT groups around campus or at least in the city, right?”

Yeah there’s a huge one, but I made a complete ass of myself there on like four separate occasions... “I guess I could look into that.” Maya didn’t want to delve into her history with the club.

“And what with the internet these days,” Karen said. “All those apps you can download, there must be people you can find on there! Talking to one specific person isn’t what’s important, it’s gaining the knowledge that you can find people. Don’t forget that when I’m gone.”

“You make it sound like you’re dying,” Maya laughed. “But I understand. And thank you, seriously. I’m not sure I can even explain how much I needed this talk.”

“Good,” Karen said. “It’s empowering for me too in a way. I’ve always felt I owed this huge debt to my professor for helping me. Now, seeing it from her side, I just have this warm, satisfying feeling. So don’t go thinking you owe me anything either, alright? Just pay it forward.”

“Promise,” Maya said.

“Now,” Karen stood up and straightened out her shirt. “I have to get ready for some kind of webcam meeting? I don’t fully understand it, to be honest. But! I’ll make sure we spend as much time together as possible before I leave, okay? Don’t think this is the last you’ll see of me!”

Maya stood up as well, meeting Karen on her side of the table for a hug. She wrapped her arms tight around her friend, scrunching up her face so she wouldn’t start crying again. “Sorry again I took so long to tell you,” she whispered.

“Please don’t be,” Karen responded, squeezing tighter. “You’ll always be the same little scatterbrained co-worker who became my best friend.”

It was no use, her scrunched face gave way and once again tears were running down Maya’s cheeks. Breaking off the hug, she wiped her eyes and stepped back.

“Are you all good?” Karen asked, coat on.

Maya sniffled and nodded. “Yes, I will be, don’t worry. Go to your meeting before I make you late!”

“Right! Then I’ll see you later this week! I know classes are starting for you but try and keep your schedule cleared!” Karen said as she waved and left the cafe.

It only took a few seconds for everything that just happened to start overwhelming Maya. Once alone with no distractions, there were no more barriers to block her thoughts. The first thing she noticed were a few other people in the shop staring at her. Bleary-eyed, she sat back down at her table, now facing away from the rest of the floor.

Next, her brain went through a rapid assessment of all her new info. She came out to Karen, word of her being trans was spreading before that, Karen is leaving, yet somehow, hope wasn’t lost. If she could follow Karen’s advice, perhaps one day she could look in a mirror without feeling sick. It was possible.

That meant finding more people. The easiest way would be to return to the club. That is, if she hadn’t made too many enemies. She could apologize to Jamie and Sam, she had been meaning to anyway, though that didn’t mean they would all immediately be on great terms with one another. And returning to the club also meant seeing Ben more, if he still went.

Ben. Maya put her head in her hands God, what have I done?

The entire time, she had pushed him away. The person who she got along with the best, the one who she could relate to the most, the one who always made her laugh and feel free. Someone who understood her so well that he didn’t doubt her art project for a second. He knew exactly what she was feeling because he felt the same way. They mirrored each other. Ben could have been the solution to escaping the pit of gender dysphoria. Instead, she treated him like the cause. A permanent tie to her trans-ness. As if he wasn’t living through the exact same thing.

She quickly pulled out her phone, the exact words to text already in mind. It wasn’t painstakingly thought through, it wasn’t subtle or anything close to how she normally acted, it wasn’t even a guarantee that anything at all would get better. It was, however, her best shot.

 

It was freezing. Surely a contender for coldest day of the year. Maya rubbed her hands over her arms as she stepped off the bus. Even with a cushy winter coat on, the wind left her teeth chattering. Or perhaps it was unfair to place the blame solely on the wind. She had been shivering all morning, even in her heated apartment, under the covers, from the moment she realized what she was about to do. It was time to see Ben again.

Throughout her whole morning routine and bus ride, she considered texting him an excuse. That she wasn’t feeling well and they should reschedule, or that she had to do something for class. Even as the bus slowed to a stop, she contemplated staying in her seat and riding it back home. It was Karen’s words echoing in her head that stopped her from doing any of that. She owed it to her friend to try and follow her advice. She owed it to Ben to set things straight and stop running from him. Plus she owed it to herself to try her best and improve as a person, no matter how scary it all seemed.

The bus pulled away, inviting another cool gust to cut though Maya. She hugged herself tight as it breezed past, both regretting her actions and also feeling proud of herself. They had agreed to meet just up ahead, at the bench Maya liked to watch ducks from. At the time it seemed like a good place to talk, but she was beginning to wish that they had opted for somewhere indoors with heating. She dreaded how much the wind blowing off of the frozen river would bite.

Afraid that standing still any longer would leave her stuck to the pavement, Maya took tiny, deliberate steps toward the bench to avoid slipping.

Almost immediately she spotted him. Or, the back of him. Ben was sitting on the bench, as promised. His shoulders were in their usual slumped position, and he seemed to be holding something in his lap. Maybe a backpack? The wind blew once more, shoving Maya along without delay.

Her steps must have been loud, as Ben quickly turned around and spotted her. Immediately Maya noticed that he had some newfound stubble on his face. He was still the same old Ben, only now more disheveled looking. She worried he was doing worse than she had thought. Though as soon as they made eye contact, his face lit up with a smile, and Maya couldn’t help but return it.

“Hey!” he shouted.

“You haven’t been out here long, right?” Maya asked as she got closer.

Ben stood and shrugged. He was wearing a long-sleeve shirt and jeans, no hat in sight. “Just a few minutes, not that big of a deal. It was honestly way colder yesterday.”

“Oh, shut up,” Maya said, now standing next to him. “Classic guy mentality, not wearing enough layers because they don’t mind being numb.” She gave his shoulder a playful nudge before remembering they hadn’t spoken in weeks. It did reassure her just how quickly they were able to get back into their usual routine, though if she wasn’t careful he might end up more upset than before.

“Well, I appreciate the affirmation,” Ben said, “but I think you’re just being a baby.”

The two laughed briefly before the seriousness of everything set in. There was nobody’s life on the line, no huge investment at risk, yet they both seemed under the impression that if the meeting turned sour they wouldn’t have another chance.

“So…” Ben took the first shot. “You wanted to meet up?”

Maya gulped. She had practiced a hundred different variations of what to say before she fell asleep the night before, yet none of them were good enough.

“I’m sorry, Ben,” She said. There were a lot of things she needed to say, but leading with that was important to her. “I’m sorry that I disappeared, that I was a coward, and then made it all your problem. That was… bad of me.”

A long exhale left Ben’s chest. “You know, I think I should apologize too.”

“Huh?” Maya pulled her head back and squinted. Of all the responses she was expecting, that one hadn’t crossed her mind.

“Don’t get me wrong,” Ben said. “You definitely didn’t handle any of this well.”

Maya scoffed.

Undeterred, Ben continued. “But it’s not like I did much better. None of this had to get as bleak as it did. I needed to just move on when you gave me the chance. So I’m sorry, for dragging this out and for acting as if you rejecting me was somehow a grave sin on your end.”

“I really don’t think you did anything wrong!” Maya said. She was a little confused at how this was playing out, and still concerned it might end up poorly. “It was my own–”

Ben held up his hand. “Alright, okay, I surrender.” A cocky smile appeared as he spoke, the same smile that had entranced Maya when they first met. “I accept your apology, and hope we can both be normal people from here on forward. Deal?”

It was all a touch too easy. She feared confronting Ben so much, for so long, and now it was done? They were ready to move on? Maybe even be friends again? How was Ben so sure that she had grown? She hardly even got a word in!

“I really need you to know that I’m sorry,” Maya insisted. “I let my problems ruin what we had, I left you alone and stopped talking to you. I wish I had been more normal. I promise to become more normal!”

“You already apologized,” Ben said. “I’m genuinely not angry at you, I promise. If you think ‘seems normal’ is why I like you, you’re wrong.”

Like? Not liked? Does he really not hate me after everything?

As always, she had let her mind spiral out of control while with him. As always, he could tell when she was in too deep and pull her out of it.

“Okay, as long as you promise,” Maya said. A lump was forming in her throat, though she softened her voice in an attempt to conceal it.

“It is!” Ben chuckled. “How can I prove it to you?”

Maya tapped her foot for a bit before speaking. “I guess a hug would prove that you aren’t upset with me anymore.”

“Of course!” Ben said sarcastically. “Then you can feel my pulse and see if I’m telling the truth or not! Why didn’t I think of that?”

“No, I just,” Maya said, her voice breaking. “I think I could just use a hug.”

Ben’s comical demeanor quickly shifted to serious and concerned. “Oh, right. Okay, yeah.” He awkwardly held open his arms.

Maya nearly sprinted the couple of steps it took to meet him, tightly wrapping her arms around him and burying her face into his shoulder. He seemed a little confused, but reciprocated. Two days in a row, Maya found herself crying in a friend’s arms. But unlike her goodbye hug, this one was full of warmth. She recalled Karen's words, about not being alone anymore. Having someone who can understand her same problems. Did she even have the right to miss him? After how terrible she was to him? It made her sick to her stomach.

“I really am sorry,” Maya whispered through the tears. “I don’t know why I’m like this. I never have any clue what I’m doing. You shouldn’t have gotten involved with me.”

Ben had been silent, his only contribution being steady breathing.

“If you want to tell me off you can,” Maya said. “You must have a lot of choice words you want to say to me deep down.”

With a sigh, Ben finally spoke. “I did, for a while. I wanted you to feel as unwanted as I did after everything. Part of me still sort of wants that. But none of what I would have said was true. Just things I knew would upset you. How fucked up is that?”

“It’s what I deserve.”

“Oh shut up,” Ben strengthened his hug and gave her a squeeze. “Just let me know when you’re done crying.”

Maya’s lips slightly smiled for a few seconds before returning to her solemn state. She knew that none of this should have been happening to her. That a happy ending wasn’t something she deserved. Alas, it was hard to feel too distraught when being hugged by a cute guy, so she told her brain to shut up and just enjoy the moment.

After a few minutes, Maya’s eyes had let up and she was able to end the hug with confidence. As she pulled her head off Ben’s shoulder she noticed her tears had left a wet splotch on his shirt.

She grimaced. “Oh ew, sorry I’m such a mess.”

Ben looked down at it and shrugged. “You’re a college student, it would be weirder if you weren’t ever a mess.” As he spoke he kept his eyes on his shoulder.

“Are you worried it will stain?” Maya asked. She was prepared to buy him a new shirt if needed.

Ben looked up. “Nah, just wondering if it will freeze. Would be cool, right?”

Maya laughed as she wiped her eyes. Suddenly she really did feel okay. That the last few months hadn’t happened. Ben really wasn’t mad at her. And that maybe their friendship wasn’t over. Maybe they could even get back to being more than friends.

“Hey,” Ben said. “Sit down for a minute, I have something to give you.”

He loosely grabbed her wrist and dragged her to the bench. Maya followed along like a lost child, still partially dazed from the whirlwind of emotions that had taken her. Ben took a seat, with the mysterious box on his right, and pulled Maya down to sit on his left.

“I didn’t know we were exchanging gifts,” she said. “I could have brought you a nice coat.”

“No, no, it’s nothing like that, ” Ben said. “It’s just something of yours I think you should keep.”

Maya tried to speak but Ben hushed her. Resigned to the situation, she waited while Ben opened up the box and pulled out two vases.

“Oh!” Maya yelled. “I completely forgot about this!”

“I figured you didn’t just want it thrown out,” Ben said, handing Maya her creation.

She carefully took it from him, afraid her cold, shaky hands would drop it. The vase looked better than she had remembered. Each cute, cheerful flower she had painted during a time she had such little joy in her life.

“Yours is super pretty,” Ben said. “You should do pottery more often, outside of a class.”

Maya smiled, then sighed. “I should, yeah.”

Ben’s vase caught her eye as he fidgeted around. It looked so angry to her, as if the vase itself wanted to break and was being held together solely by the vines. Had he only done as well as he did on it because he was mad at her?

“Hey, I have an idea,” Maya said.

Ben turned toward her, propping his vase on his knee. “What sort of idea?”

Maya held out her vase, then her other hand toward Ben. “We should trade vases.”

“You don’t really want mine, do you?” Ben looked confused. “Yours is clearly better.”

“I do want yours,” Maya smiled in return. “In fact, I always liked yours more. And this way, if I ever upset you again, you can just smash it. Like free therapy.”

“Alright.” Ben handed his vase over and took Maya’s. “I like it. Though I’m praying you don’t actually give me a reason to break this, it’s gonna be the only colorful thing in my whole apartment. You don’t want to be responsible for making my place dull and gray, do you?”

“Then I guess I don’t have a choice!” Maya said, throwing on a dramatic stage accent. She leaned over onto Ben’s shoulder, looking out at the glittering, frozen river. “I’ll be on my best behavior from now on.”

Maya decided to keep her real reason for wanting Ben’s vase a secret. Just looking at it reminded her of how much pain she could cause someone, even without meaning to. Now, though, she could have it as a constant reminder of what happened. Something to both make her think of Ben whenever she saw it, and keep her in check if she ever lost sight of what mattered.

“So…” Ben said awkwardly. He had gone completely stiff when Maya set her head on his shoulder. “Will I be seeing you at club meetings again?”

“I think so,” Maya said, her tone optimistic. “You think I’ll ever live down what happened at the fair?”

Ben loosened up a bit, allowing himself to lean into Maya as well. “Ah, don’t worry about that. Things are salvageable. I’ll make sure of it.”

“And maybe we could go out to eat sometime.”

“Or a movie?” Ben suggested.

They laughed and sunk into each other a little more.

“I really don’t want to make the same mistakes and hurt you again, Ben,” Maya said. Her voice was weak compared to what it had just been a minute prior.

“You won’t,” Ben said.

“What makes you so sure?” Maya asked.

Ben took a deep, confident breath. “Because, you’re smart. And you’re kind. You aren’t the type of person to keep making the same harmful mistakes over and over. In fact, I’d say it’s more likely you’d put yourself in harm's way than the other way around. So stop stressing, ‘kay?”

Maya just laughed. She wasn’t sure if she believed him, and she definitely wasn’t sure how he was suddenly so confident about everything.

Oh well, she thought. We’ll just have to see.