Danny watched as Babel left, her eyes locked onto and wishing to bore into the very heart of Babel. Danny felt disgusted at herself for more than one reason, not the least of which was her ability to recall their very first meeting. Deep down, instinctually, Danny had known there was some reason, some underlying definition to their relationship that she couldn’t put her finger on. Why had it been her that Babel had chosen to torture? How had Babel known the specifics inside Danny’s heart this entire time?
Her head rang out with a pain that left the lights too bright, colors too meshed, she believed she could taste sounds and hear flavors. And then-
**
Where was she? She didn’t recognise the area, much less believe it could be New York. The buildings were far older, more… glazed? Everything was silent, frozen, people all looking towards a point in the sky with shock and horror. It was as if the whole world was holding its breath, determined to not let go of this moment. She turned to face what it was they all looked at, seeing what looked like a streak of fire shooting off into the sky, frozen in time as everything else.
“Beautiful, isn’t it?” A voice spoke, making Danny jump. “Indignation, righteous fury, sadness, and love all rolled into a single act of rebellion. This is where it all began, and the countless others have only repeated this act throughout the eons. A single shot fired that would be the beginning of rebellion.” Danny looked this woman over as she spoke, finding herself at a loss when staring at her. Though she looked vastly different, far more alien, Danny saw herself in this horned and beguiling being.
“Where am I?” Danny asked, her voice cracking slightly as she spoke.
“That depends on you. This is either the beginning of something, or the end of something, as all great acts of rebellion are.” The other girl stated plainly. “I am your Eidolon, the inner workings of you at their greatest. I merely embody your hopes and dreams.”
“So, I’m talking to myself?” Danny was less than enthused by this idea, after all, it’s insane to talk to yourself and answer back, right?
“Of course you are, sometimes you need an expert opinion.” The Eidolon winked as she joked with Danny. “After all, this is entirely about you, isn’t it?” The Eidolon gestured to everything around them, causing Danny to take another look at the faces and buildings surrounding them.
“I guess. What happened back in the real world? Why am I here?” Danny gently tapped her fingers in rhythm, trying to distract herself from the discomfort.
“You, Danny, are at a crossroads. You have obtained enough power from the crowd to truly begin your transformation, or to reverse and end it.” The Eidolon said this very matter-of-factly, leaving Danny speechless for several moments while she processed what she just heard.
“What do you mean ‘truly begin’? I’ve already changed… a lot.” Danny would have chuckled if she didn’t feel so spun out.
“Physically you have changed a bit, yes. But that is not all that can change, and that is not all that will change.”
“What more can Babel do to me!?” Danny asked, holding her arms out to be seen by the Eidolon. “She has almost entirely remade me!”
“Don’t you remember? That day in the cafeteria when your transformation was out of Babel’s control?” Danny nodded. “Do you know why it was out of her control?”
“She said it was because I was absorbing the ambient energy and emotions from the people, right?” Danny continued drumming her fingers while she thought, the memories buzzing in the back of her head.
“That is what she said, and she’s wrong. It’s time for an explanation.” Eidolon started.
“Wait, how is it you know this stuff when even Babel doesn’t?” Danny asked, her eyes exuding her disbelief.
“By the time I am finished, you will understand.” The Eidolon took a deep breath before starting. If Danny didn’t know any better, she’d think the Eidolon was nervous. “Let us begin with her Meta, and what it was meant to do. Everyone leaves behind traces of themselves on people they interact with, like fingerprints being left on glass. They are a fraction of a fraction, a piece of a person that’s a piece of who they were. The smallest pieces of existence. Her kind, the Tutelaries, make use of these fingerprints they leave on people.
“It’s not just that it’s a piece of them they’ve left behind on a person, it’s also where they left it behind. The younger you are when they leave that piece on you, the better for them. They need it to understand the person better so as to use their magic: Legerdemain.”
“Didn’t I use that with the band?” Danny asked, looking at her hands.
“A very basic function of it. Legerdemain has many facets, the one you used requires the least amount of control or skill: Glamour and Thaumaturgy.”
“But, I fixed their equipment, didn't I?” Danny asked, confused.
“Did you? Or did you just make it sound like you fixed it? With your basic understanding of electronics and music, you were able to tune the sound coming out of the speakers, and you were able to boost the sound.”
“I really didn’t fix anything?” Danny asked, sounding slightly disappointed.
“Afraid not, but it was a good effort. The fact you were able to do that much on pure instinct is nothing to shake a stick at.” The Eidolon let Danny absorb the information before continuing. “If you know how to use Legerdemain it's as simple as baking pie… without the ingredients. Legerdemain is a lot like having a super computer, capable of reprogramming anything and everything, even capable of creation and destruction. Only problem is that nothing uses the same programming language, and if even a single keystroke is wrong the entire program fails. IF you’re lucky. If you’re unlucky, it will kill you.”
“So what you’re saying is, if I wanted to, I could use Legerdemain to snuff out the sun if I chose to?” Danny asked, her curiosity rising.
“Sure, absolutely. As long as you completely understand the different gasses inside of it, how the plasma works, how both the ignition works and the snuffing, the solar winds, the gravitational forces it is under and exerts on the solar system…” Eidolon counted out to Danny.
“So, in short, I need to know everything about the sun?” Eidolon nodded her agreement.
“In short, you’d need to know everything. As it stands, you knew how the music should have sounded and you were able to make it sound correct, and you knew how loud it should be so you were able to make it sound loud enough. A gimmick compared to what it can actually do, like using a nuclear reactor to power an MP3. It’ll get the job done, though it’s overkill.
“There is a ‘but’ there. Everything you do with it requires power, a power Tutelaries store inside of their bodies. Tutelaries' lives depend on this energy as much as their Legerdemain does, in fact their connection to Legerdemain is innate and parasitic. Everything they do uses it, shapeshifting, becoming visible or invisible, tangible or intangible, even to a point their own continued existence. There is a cosmic difference between a human and a Tutelary, one of which being the type of matter that makes them up.
“Excluding states of matter, let’s instead talk about the different types of matter: Defined, Undefined, and Fine. Defined is what you are, walking around on Earth, being held together by quantum strings, atoms, and cells. If you forget you are a person, your being continues to exist unimpeded. Fine matter is less coherent, intangible, and depending on its spectrum either visible or invisible to the naked human eye. Fine matter is better defined as different states of energy, like gravity, electricity, photons, heat, etcetera.
“And then, there is the Undefined Matter. It exists in a state of permanent flux, neither Defined or Fine in nature, but constantly eroding regardless of where it is or what it’s doing. Tutelaries call it The Unraveling. They can push it back and even heal themselves by intaking energy from any source, but if something happens and they become unable to do so, they will begin to both materially and mentally deteriorate until they completely cease to exist. It’s not unlike dementia in Humans. Once the Unraveling begins, there is no stopping it, no fixing it, no going back.”
“Wait-!” Danny interrupts, throwing a hand in front of herself. “Why are you telling me this? How does any of this help me?” Eidolon sighs, disappointment crossing her face.
“It’s not about helping you. It’s about helping Babel.” Danny let out a sardonic laugh, turning her back with her hands raised to Eidolon.
“I don’t know what fucked up part of my brain you are, but that creature has all but ruined my life! The pain she’s made me endure, the fight, the fear-!” Danny ranted indignantly.
“All of it was for you!”
“How was ANY of it for me?”
“She’s dying, Dannielle!” Danny stopped, almost frozen when she heard Eidolon. “She’s been dying ever since she was freed from the desert sands. Her mind is ripped apart, shredded, and her body is decaying to the point where she’s almost lost all form. She’s survived by jumping from person to person for years, going through them faster and faster, destroying each person she’s touched.”
“I’m not responsible for her murdering-”
“Dammit! Listen to me, and understand she doesn’t even know she’s killed people. To her, everything is like being caught in a lightning storm stuck inside of a tornado, and she’s been building up these past years for what remaining lucidity she could muster. She’s doing it for you. It’s all been leading up to you! In her confusion she’s forgotten why she’s doing what she’s doing, but the piece of herself she left behind in you, the Meta, never forgot. You are her magnum opus, her greatest and final prayer she has ever answered.
“The day when your mother discarded you to wait outside your father’s home, she was there. She was feral, feeding on everything and anything in her line of sight. She even began feeding on you, and-”
“I remember,” Danny interrupted. “Vaguely, but I do. Just a face that haunted my nightmares for years. I didn’t think that was real.” Danny ran her fingers over her arms, reminding herself. “Her grip was powerful, terrifying. I thought she was a monster that had come to eat me. All I could think of was how badly I wanted my mom. Then she just stopped, and before I knew it she was crying with me.”
“She heard it in your mind,” Eidolon explained. “It echoed out to the last piece of her that was still more than a monster. Centuries of pain mingled with the shattered hopes of a small child, and then the vestiges of a plan were formed in the half-rotted mind of Babel. That small child would have its mother. All was going according to plan for years. She influenced minds, scared certain people off, brought others into your life, helped you in a thousand unseen ways. She watched you flourish and grow, she was content to die knowing she brought you happiness. Until six months ago.
“She was there, unseen and unheard, but present nonetheless. She heard you come out to your father, felt the pain in your heart, and the very real and powerful cloud that then hovered over your life. It shattered her heart to know that she had the power to bring you happiness, though she wouldn’t be able to predict the cost because of what it would do what was left of her mind. In the end, she chose to believe in you, and hoped that regardless of her fate, you would find happiness.”
Danny folded her arms while she thought. Admittedly she felt angry, feeling like her time was being wasted, but she also recognized it just as her being petulant. From how Babel had told her side, Danny had assumed the worst of her presence in her life. Hearing a slightly more complete account from a more compassionate perspective had ebbed away at the sharpness of her hatred for Babel.
“I need three things explained to me before I hear anything else.” Danny said, her words curt. Eidolon nodded her agreement. “First, how did she lose control of the transformation? Second, why did she specifically want an egg from me? Third, why do you know this all when she’s forgotten it?”
“The easiest one to explain is the egg.” Eidolon started. “That is a purely instinctual need she’s being driven by. Tutelaries are prone to Unraveling, as we’ve previously discussed, but there is a way for them to avoid such a fate. If they are born into a physical body, then like a human soul they can remain strong. The downfall of this is each new physical life they have dissociates them from their previous lives and experiences, becoming more like half-forgotten dreams. Essentially it’s a form of reincarnation. Though, they cannot be born into entirely human bodies. If they do, they lose a piece of themselves in the process, and each time they will lose more and more until they are basically just humans. Although, if she can get her hands on a non-human egg she can change it to be more like her, so she can live on.”
“I’m guessing by the way you say that, she isn’t exactly aware of why she wants it?” Danny asked.
“Correct. It’s like asking an animal why it wants food. It understands it’s hungry, but it doesn’t understand the process of why it’s hungry.” Danny nodded, waiting for Eidolon to continue. “I know all of this, because she saved you. Your mind, soul, somewhere as both and in between was shattered, you were dying in more than just a physical sense. The Meta and Babel worked together to weave you back together as best they could. I am the you that is realized to her fullest, if you choose to go through with this, you will know what I know. What was left of her, the least broken parts of her, destroyed itself to remake you. She has become Kintsukuroi, Golden Repair, as the Japanese would call it.”
“Fuck…” Danny had to admit, she knew that what had happened to her had to have been bad, but she had no idea the limit that Babel went to in order to save her. “Lastly..?”
Eidolon nodded, gathering her thoughts. “As I said with Legerdemain you need perfect understanding, and Tutelaries are quite adept at learning and retaining, especially if they have left their mark on someone. Think of it like coding on a computer. If you try to hack it at version 3.0 without understanding how it worked in earlier versions, it would be much harder than if you had knowledge of version 1.0 so you saw how all the coding evolved till then, right?” Danny nodded. “That is what their meta is designed to do, it acts like a fingerprint to show them where to begin.”
“But…?” Danny’s eyebrows raised questioningly.
“But she is unraveling, dying. She lost focus, and found it hard to continually understand you. As you might recall from your first interaction, she was strained just with the small changes. At this point, whatever power she has with Legerdemain is now entirely moot, as she lacks the strength of mind to use it. Meaning she got you started, and then she lost control. That being said, she didn’t just lose it, you took it from her. It was subconscious, innate, like a reflex. There’s actually a word for how you have been able to control it thus far: Dysphoria.”
Danny chuckled mirthlessly. She’d heard that word thrown around for quite some time, but that wasn’t her. Not even a little. She knew that a part of her nagged the other from time to time, making her want certain features, but those with Dysphoria were the real Trans-persons, right? She didn’t count, couldn’t possibly count. In a time of confusion and weakness she had latched onto an idea, one that sounded right but wasn’t. How else could she have survived these last six months? It’s not like she was unhappy, right?
Unhappy..? Did she have any right to be unhappy with who she was? She’s in a band, her father loves her even if he doesn’t understand.
He doesn’t understand.
Unhappy.
He doesn’t understand I’m suffering.
**
Even in here my eyes can burn, the desire to lock my eyes closed as my pained breath finally escapes me, the desire to cry. No, I need to cry. I did everything I could to help him understand, but he’s not like me, he doesn’t understand the finality to this feeling. How every cell in my body screams at me that something’s wrong, that I’m wrong, that I need to be fixed. My head swims as the ringing in my ears increases, I try to exhale but all that comes out is a sigh. My breath hitches as I hear it, the sadness and hurt nature of it somehow pulled at me. I would laugh at how narcissistic it is to be saddened by my own breathing if it wasn’t pathetic.
I want to scream, thrash about, had I been in my room I would’ve completely trashed it. Instead I sink to the ground, every breath bringing me closer to the compounding sob I refuse to let out. I don’t experience dysphoria, I have to be happy as I am, I cannot be anyone else but myself.
I don’t experience dysphoria.
I have to be happy as I am.
I cannot be anyone else but myself.
I don’t…
Have to be happy as I am…
I cannot be anyone else but myself.
My mind races, stuck on the idea that if I finally said it again, if I uttered anything to the effect I would break. I cannot say it, I refuse to say it, I will not-
In this moment, my life changed. Holding my arms across my torso to keep a hold of myself I felt it. I felt them. Tears poured from my eyes regardless if they were open or closed, but for this moment my heart seemed to stop. I could not tell anyone why, but slowly as I looked down at what was I guess my perceived body, the small and tender mounds on my chest brought a sense of awareness of self. They were breasts, and they were on me. They were mine.
In that instant the screaming stopped, my whole being had grown silent, like a crowd before an uproarious applause.
My body was more lithe than I’d ever seen it, androgynous mainly but definitely on the femme side. My hair which I’d denied myself to grow out was tickling my shoulders, my breasts held weight with every breath, I felt more me than I ever had before. I raised my hands to my face, surprised to feel my tear-soaked face smiling brighter and broader than I could remember. Did I dare? Could I say it? Do I have it in me to own the fact that I was wrong about myself, that this is finally what I allow myself to feel?
“I want,” I began, my words catching in my dry throat. “I want to be-” My words quivered and shook as I spoke, my head spinning from anxiety and excitement. “I want to be me.”
Eidolon smiled warmly at me, leaning over and kissing my forehead.
“Be ready.” She said to me, and even though I should’ve contemplated it more, I didn’t care if I wasn’t ready anymore. I refused to hurt anymore. I refused to be anyone but myself. I choose to smile again. I want Arianna to see me for who I am.
I closed my eyes, ready to return to the waking world, awaiting discomfort or possible humiliation. But it would all be temporary. What I didn’t expect was to hear myself screaming as the pain crashed down on me in violent waves. Shit.
Thank you for the chapter ✨✨