I woke up somewhere different. Softer, warmer, my arms and feet outside of the blanket—no, a duvet. Head sunk into the pillow. The dream I’d been so lost in a moment ago melted into a puddle, leaving only the scent of feelings. An echo of something I couldn’t grasp.

Then a panic set in, knowing how long it had taken me to fall asleep, how comfortable the bed was, and how not-dark the light behind the curtains was.

I scrambled out of bed and dressed, looking for Hyraj for a moment before I snapped out of it. As much as I wanted to run downstairs, it wouldn’t have been a good look, so I took a few breaths in front of the door, then stepped out. My heart still hammered away, but I softly smiled and walked calmly, plodding downstairs.

It all sounded quiet. Too quiet. Sisi usually quieted down by the end of the days, but first thing in the morning?

After checking the dining room, I poked my head into the lounge only to see just Frinnef there. She sat on the couch, legs curled under herself, book in hand, glasses on the tip of her nose. I hadn’t seen her with glasses before, but hadn’t seen her read either.

Unsure what to do, I took a step forward and the door creaked… and she jumped. Literally launched herself a bit in the air, glasses slipping off, letting out a breathless gasp so loud I heard it. Then she scrambled to catch her glasses, holding them with both hands against her chest as she took in and let out deep breaths. A nervous giggle slipped out of her then.

“My sorry?” I weakly said.

She shooed me. “Really, they get so used to one thing—I completely forgot Miss Louise was here.”

I hesitated over what to say to that and ended up on just asking what I wanted to. “That is it, is Sisi….”

While I struggled how to finish the sentence, Frinnef took my pause as an invitation to answer. “Uncle—Mr Arl takes Sisi out most weekends, so I usually, well….” Stopping there, she gestured at herself and the couch.

“Oh, that is it, yes,” I muttered, only now realising that it was the weekend, so it wasn’t like I had work anyway. First thing in the morning wasn’t exactly a time known for making good decisions.

Anyway, the pressure off, I sort of shuffled back, mumbling about brushing my teeth. In no rush, I went about my morning routine. It all felt a bit strange doing it somewhere other than the dorm. Maybe the strangest, there was a mirror above the sink, seeing “myself” for the first time in so long. Not a proper mirror like I knew it, but polished metal? Good enough to see myself, tinged with the metal’s colour, a slight curve to the metal making me doubt it was entirely accurate.

Still, that was me. The me that Hyraj loved. Thoughts wandering, I focused on brushing my teeth.

Once I finished up, I left and almost ran into Frinnef, not expecting her in the hallway. She let out a breath of laughter, smiling. “I was going to make some breakfast—would Miss Louise like some?” she asked.

“Let me help,” I said, then added, “And Louise is fine. Really, I aren’t that older.”

Cringing, I knew I’d really messed that up, but she just chuckled, one hand covering her mouth as the other “nodded”. “Only if Louise would call me Neffie. My family likes to call me Frinnie, while my friends call me Neffie.”

“Neffie it is,” I said, glad to gloss over my disasterous speaking.

Though I said I’d help, it was nothing complicated enough to need help with. The exact situation with Frinnef—Neffie—staying here, I didn’t really know. She was studying, she was helping out. Her cooking was good, but not the… balanced kinds of meals I was used to. Like, she’d have something savoury as the main meal, then have boiled vegetables for the side; the cook, I thought, would have maybe roasted the vegetables to make them sweeter.

Anyway, this morning was a porridge sweetened with berries. I was very helpful and washed the berries. Joking aside, it was nice to talk with her for a change. For as long as I’d been working in this house, we hadn’t really talked; she was usually in her room or cooking, so I didn’t want to bother her—or let Sisi bother her. A bit of chat over lunch, but mostly eating.

“The studying?” I said awkwardly, hoping I had the right word.

“What about it?”

Relieved, I asked, “How is it going? Is it something they like?”

She hummed for a second, stirring the porridge. “Truth-spoken, not really, but….”

I waited patiently, checking over the berries for signs of bugs or anything else not nice to eat. Something I’d long grown used to in this world.

“My mother has threatened to match me up and I don’t doubt her. Rather than find a partner, I hope to make enough to move far away,” she said, then turned to me with a pinching gesture in front of her lips—like this world’s “it’s a secret” gesture. “Uncle Arl knows I am… dis-happy with my mother, but not that I plan to leave.”

I copied her, making the same gesture. “That, I can understand that sort of thing,” I said.

She smiled, only to wince the next moment. “Oh, um, my sorry—Louise is a no-parents, how thoughtless of me.”

Softly laughing, I shooed her. “Talk if they want to. I have always been this way, so I’m not… sore about it,” I said, struggling with how to say what I wanted.

Though she looked guilty for a little longer, she settled back into the conversation. “I think Uncle Arl would understand too. He is… too good to me. My mother sent me here to ‘practise’, but he even tells me off if I spend too long cooking,” she said, ending with a gentle laugh.

A beautiful laugh. I had spent so much of my life trying to make the little ones smile and laugh, but it was nice when older girls did too. Hyraj’s little smiles, her little laughs….

Falling into those thoughts, I caught myself, came up with something else to ask. “Neffie isn’t… looking for a partner?”

She hummed for a moment before answering. “That is it, not that I don’t want one, but I’m not interested in becoming a mother. I don’t dare say that, of course. How… everyone just hands me babies, teasing me it will be my turn soon….” She let out a small laugh, hollow, but warm. “When I visited after Sisi was birthed, Aunty asked me if I wanted to hold her and, when I said no, she gave me a smile and whispered that she didn’t want to let go of Sisi either.”

Her voice almost broke at the end, next breath heavy.

“What were we even talking about?” she said, forcing some cheer into the words.

Maybe it was bad of me, like taking advantage of her when she was still weak, but I thought over what she’d said before and couldn’t fight the urge to ask it. “If they want a lover and no children, what about a woman?”

Her stirring stopped, a beat passing, then she carried on. “I suppose if the feeling is there,” she muttered more to herself than me. “Well, it would be nice to live with a friend—is it not?” she said, turning to give me a sort of knowing smile?

I sort of asked for that. “Hyraj and me are only friends,” I said, focusing on the berries again.

Her gentle laughter was the only comment she made on that.

Still, I wanted to ask her more. “That is it, how would they know the feeling?” I said.

“Love? Why wouldn’t I?” she asked.

“Neffie has… been in love before?”

She giggled, sounding so young, making me feel foolish. “No, but so what? Everyone has their own feeling. If I find someone that makes me feel happy, and feel safe, and feel beautiful, then I’ll call that love.”

Was it that simple?

Our conversation became less philosophical after that, Neffie praising me for looking after Sisi so well, and me awkwardly talking around the praise. “I can work hard because it’s only work. That is it, a mother is a mother all day, but I’m a babysitter for half a day.”

“Still, she is much happier than when I looked after her,” Neffie replied, smiling.

Meandering from topic to topic, we finished preparing breakfast, moved to the dining room to eat. A quiet meal, reminding me that it was apparently a kind of posh thing to not talk too much while eating. A nice meal, though.

Going through to wash up, I said, “Mr Arl doesn’t let them cook long, but Neffie is a good cook.”

She giggled, shooing me over her shoulder as she kept walking. “My mother has made sure I’m ready to be the perfect wife. Truth spoken, I don’t mind the cooking lessons. Sewing, though, is beyond me. Too fiddly.”

We talked a while longer, passing the time as we scrubbed and dried, carrying on into the lounge, settled on the couch. It was nice, almost familiar. Not like I hated the older girls at the orphanage. Sometimes listened to them vent, lots in common.

But it was also nice having someone so positive around. Hyraj was sweet, but sweet in her own way, not really chatty. Even when Neffie was venting, she always looked on the bright side.

An intrusive thought wondered if I loved Neffie. Because this was nice, and it was nice cooking together, and wouldn’t it be nice if we lived together? If I went with her when she ran away, it would probably keep Mr Arl from worrying about her.

I wondered what Hyraj would do if I told her that. Would she kiss me again? My heart pounded, but my head knew she wouldn’t. I didn’t leave because I thought she’d kiss me again over every little thing. It had been… a terrible day—for both of us. And I’d been so terrible to her.

Still, I had needed to leave because of that. For a few days. Longer, if I could manage. I needed some respect for myself. Honestly, I was surprised I still had any. There was nothing good about me. Nothing special. Even when she’d kissed me, I had felt nothing.

Because I was broken.

Learning about childhood development and all that, I remembered there was a horrifying “study” where they tried not showing emotion when raising babies, like being raised by robots. They had to stop it because it was breaking the babies.

I didn’t know what my life was like as a baby. The orphanage only took in kids old enough to go to school, so like five at the youngest. Since then….

What? What did that make me? I had always thought I was better than the others, but I was just broken. It wasn’t normal for a child to try and avoid all attention. It wasn’t… I wasn’t….

Rain drummed against the bedroom window; if anyone could see me looking out of it, the glass with droplets running down it would have hidden my tears.

Punished, always punished, one way or another, for reaching out, and even now, after I finally found someone, it couldn’t be simple. We couldn’t just be friends who lived happily together forever. She wanted more, and I didn’t have more. Empty. Hollow.

Neffie had said… someone that made her happy, who made her feel safe and beautiful—she’d call that love.

I didn’t know about happy, but Hyraj made me feel comfortable. Safe? I guessed she did. Beautiful….

The rain fell, not too heavy, and I watched it.