I had no idea what to say to Eleanor. She used to have so much emotion when she looked at me, whether it was with adoration or fury, but while she was kind, there wasn’t a hint of that same passion when she spoke to me now. There was nothing I wanted more than to look her in the eye and see the spark of love that used to draw us together, but I was terrified.
“I want to check out the blacksmith,” Eleanor said.
All I could do was nod and follow quietly.
The blacksmith, a gruff graying man in a leather apron, explained every step in his process intimately and had Eleanor absolutely hooked. It wasn’t impressive; he wasn’t making a sword or anything, just a few iron rings. Even though we weren’t anywhere close to the forge, I was sweating profusely.
“Cute teddy bear,” Eleanor told me, and I squeezed the prize tightly like it would cure my nerves.
“Claire let me have her tickets so I could buy it.”
“She’s sweet that way.”
A stabbing pain ran through my heart.
Eleanor kept talking as if nothing was wrong. I replied the best that I could, but there was no way for me to guess what she knew about me and my life or even what was still true after the reality-warp. It turns out that I’m a better actor than I thought, because she didn’t suspect anything was wrong.
Any time she turned to look at me, though, there was no romance in her eyes.
Tears welled up in the corner of my eyes. I turned away from her so she wouldn’t see, but it was hard to keep in the sniffles. Eleanor didn’t love me. She didn’t love me.
She didn’t love me.
I’d never felt so cold or empty.
“Sarah, what’s wrong?”
A sob escaped me.
She wouldn’t believe me; how was I supposed to convince her that everything she believed was a lie? Would she really choose me over the girl that her memories told her she loved? The truth was no good here.
But I really didn’t want to do this alone.
“I… I… It’s not a big deal.”
“You’re crying, Sarah. Clearly it is a big deal.”
“Just… family stuff.”
Eleanor’s expression tightened and she furled her brow in frustration.
“Sarah…” Her face softened. “You know you can always tell me what’s going on, right?”
“Yeah. Thank you. I’ll be okay. Really, I just want to have the best possible day that I can with my friends.”
“If you’re sure.”
I managed to get my emotions under control after that and kept my gaze fixed on the blacksmith and his presentation. Now and then, I could see Eleanor glance over at me, looking at me like I was a particularly troublesome math problem. My smile grew strained.
As we walked away from the display, Eleanor said, “Sarah, you know I’m serious, right? You can tell me anything that’s bothering you, even if it’s family-related.”
“Yeah, I understand. It’s just very personal.”
“Too personal for me?” She folded her arms, looking hurt. “You know how much I care about you.”
I bit my lip and groaned. She was still so pretty, so compassionate, so perfect. How could I ever live without her?
Leaning forward, I planted a kiss on her lips.
She leaned into it.
When I pulled away, she had raised her eyebrows but was smiling.
“What was that for?”
“...You’re not mad?”
“No.” Her smile faded. “Is everything alright with Gabriel?”
“No.” I grabbed at the skirt of my dress and started pulling at the fabric. “I don’t… I don’t understand why you’re not mad.”
“Just because we’re not dating anymore doesn’t mean I didn’t like your kisses, Sarah.”
My mind hit a brick wall.
She continued, “Are you having second thoughts about being only into guys? It’s okay if you are, I promise. It took my a long time to come to terms with having a crush on you.”
What was going on?
What was going on?
What was going on?
The magic must have changed our sexual orientations. That was the only explanation. Claire had changed, so Eleanor could have changed as well. The only alternative was that Eleanor and Claire always liked girls and didn’t know. Except, that would also mean there was a possibility that I liked boys and didn’t realize!
I couldn’t like boys! I certainly couldn’t like them instead of girls! My parents were so old-school, they wanted the US to implement the caste system; they would die of shame if they learned I was dating a boy!
“Sarah, are you okay? I’m really worried about you.” Eleanor placed a hand on my shoulder. “You’re shaking.”
“I’m okay.” My face was pale and clammy. “I’m okay, really. Things have just been really stressful lately. I promise that it has nothing to do with Gabriel. Gabe. He’s wonderful, I promise.”
“Then what is going on?”
“...My parents are just being their usual selves, talking about how important college is but also how it corrupts young people and I should probably go to a Christian college to keep me safe.”
“Oof, that sucks. No wonder you needed to kiss a girl to get the taste out of your mouth.”
My face burned.
We got in line for some cotton candy, and she asked me, “What are your plans for college, by the way?”
“Nothing concrete. I was thinking about community college or a trade school. The internet has kind of soured me on the traditional college experience. I haven’t told my parents yet because they can’t really process how suffocating student loans really are or that a four-year degree doesn’t mean I’ll make a lot of money.”
“That makes sense. Me and Claire are applying to the same colleges so we can stay together.”
“...Huh. My plans don’t really overlap with Gabe’s.”
“Are you going to try long-distance?”
“I don’t know…”
As much as it hurt to admit, I hated the idea of losing my best friend more than I hated the thought of losing Eleanor.
“Are you open to something radical?” she asked.
I blinked. “Huh?”
“Just an idea. You and Gabriel make plans to get married when you’re twenty-two, as an incentive to stay together through college while giving you both room to date other people in the meantime. Then, when you graduate, you can decide whether or not you want to go through with it.”
“What?!”
People around us were staring.
“You don’t have to do it. You can just move in with each other and keep dating if you’d prefer.”
“I… I…” I was having trouble forming words. “That’s… I like the idea of dating Gabe”–Oh God, I had said it.–“but I’m not sure if I want to marry him.”
Eleanor nodded. “It’s okay to feel that way.”
I was okay with dating Gabe. I was okay with dating Gabe. I was okay with dating Gabe.
Pushing a bag of cotton candy into my hands, Eleanor said, “Let’s do something other than have serious conversations.”
“Yeah… Yeah. Yeah! Let’s go have some fun!”
We wandered around the third party stalls, looking at the various medieval trinkets for sale. Some of them claimed to be magic, and I was nervous to dispute that. For the first time, though, I found myself actually seriously examining the jewelry for sale and wondering how it would look on me.
“You should get something for yourself,” Eleanor said.
“Nah, it’s okay.”
“Don’t you want something to remember today by?”
“I can barely hold onto this teddy bear and the stuffed dragon Gabe got me.”
“I’ll hold them for you.”
I grumbled, but handed over my hard-won prize. What was I even supposed to buy myself? Swords and epic dragon paintings were too expensive, and I did my best to keep my eyes from wandering toward the handcrafted jewelry and scented blocks of soap. I wasn’t even staying a girl; my masculinity had to be protected.
A few minutes later, I was putting on a silver necklace with shaky hands. What compelled me to do this to myself? Did I have no shame? Looking at myself in the little mirror and smiling, I had to conclude that I did not.
“You should get something for Gabriel, too. It would be nice. He did get you this little guy, after all.”
My stomach churned a little. Every step, from calling him Gabe to accepting a kiss on the cheek to admitting I liked him, felt like I was closer and closer to cementing Gabe as a real boyfriend. Buying a gift for him was more of the same. Each hour, I felt more like his real girlfriend.
“Yeah, okay. I think I’ll try to get him something.”
What to get for the boy you only just discovered you’ve been dating for a while?
I should get him something small. Guys liked bars of soap, right? Or would that make me look cheap? No, a big gesture would make it look like I thought this was special, but from his perspective this was a normal day out with friends. Or was it special, because we only got to do this once per year?
When I returned with a wrapped up bar of soap, Eleanor raised an eyebrow.
“Guys like bars of soap,” I said, more to convince myself.
She chuckled and said, “Claire texted me. They want to meet back up. Come on.”
My stomach was in knots at the prospect of seeing Gabe again. It felt wrong. I should have been sadder to lose Eleanor, but part of me couldn’t deny that the thought of dating Gabe just felt different.
What was I supposed to do?
Yeah I'm not sure what to get guys either, my girl xD