We finally found Claire at a small field that had been set aside for ax-throwing contests. A number of contestants were lined up, including Gabe. He was standing on the mat and weighing an ax in his hands like he was some kind of professional; it was goofy, and I had to snicker a little. I definitely didn’t have the confidence to be seen in front of a crowd like that.

Eleanor took off, leaving me behind as she ran up to Claire. The two shared a long, deep kiss. My smile dropped with my heart. Even after seeing how happy they were together, I’d still lost something incredibly important to me. Maybe I would always feel that way, at least a little bit.

Claire and Eleanor turned to the field and started cheering Gabe on. When he heard them, he turned toward us and flashed a smile at me that made my heart flutter. I smiled back at him, but clutched my prizes to my chest tightly instead of cheering him on as well.

Gabe was my best friend, and I wanted to believe that he’d make a good boyfriend. Nothing about the way I’d seen him interact with Claire led me to believe he wouldn’t be, but maybe I hadn’t been paying enough attention. Suddenly, how he treated women mattered a lot more to me. I wasn’t even supposed to be a girl, but the thought of him doting over me made me all warm and bubbly inside.

To imagine him holding me in his arms…

When the men turned to begin the ax-throwing, I took a deep breath and cried out, “Go Gabe! Show them how it’s done.”

He threw me a thumbs-up, which got a few chuckles from the crowd and made me blush.

The attendant ordered the group to throw. Gabe’s first throw went wide, but a lot of them did. Only a few axes actually hit the target the first time. The second throw went much better for him, as did the third. Star quarterback that he was, Gabe managed to narrowly take the win from several older men. I whistled when he showed off his biceps to the applauding crowd.

Gabe joined us again and asked me, “Was I everything you’re asking for in a man?””

I snickered and poked him in the arm. “Humble, too. It is true that every woman needs a man who can throw axes at non-moving targets.”

“Hey, you’ve seen me on the football field; you know I never miss.”

“Oh, is that you? Sorry, we use your games for extra cheerleading practice. Hope you don’t mind sharing the spotlight.”

He snorted and gave me a light shove. “If it means getting to see you in a short skirt, I don’t mind at all.”

I stuttered a little as my face turned red.

Then he surprised me with a gentle hug. “I feel like I’ve barely gotten to see you today. I miss you, babe.”

It was cheesy, but I couldn’t help grinning a little. I hadn’t ever heard Gabe talk about missing me before; guys didn’t really admit to things like that, even if I had certainly found myself missing him time and again. Returning the hug, I sank into his warmth, really appreciating it for the first time.

Why couldn’t we have had this kind of relationship all along? Did we need to be in a relationship to hug and care for each other? I didn’t want to let him go.

“Didn’t you want to see that magician again?” Gabe asked. “I think he was supposed to have another show soon.”

“Yeah… I remember.”

What were the odds that the magician even knew what had happened? If the fortune teller hadn’t disappeared, I’d be really tempted to say this was all a cosmic accident. He definitely knew how to turn me back, and that thought made me start to shake.

There would be other chances to come back to the Ren Faire, but I doubted that I’d have the strength to reject this new life if I walked out the gate today.

“I really want to go on the Old Mill ride before we leave,” I said. “With you.”

I’d done it with Eleanor when we had our first kiss, or at least Lucas did.

“Of course; it’s where we had our first kiss.”

“Yeah…”

Yeah.

Yeah, I remembered that.

…I remembered that.

I remembered sitting in a wooden boat in the dark beside a boy I’d known for years but had always been too afraid to admit I was crushing on. I remembered not being able to sit still because of how tense I was. I remembered being so focused on the imaginary feeling of his lips on mine that I wasn’t even taking in the decorations of the ride.

And I remembered none of that happening, because I had not been a girl before today.

“Sarah? Are you okay? Do you need more water? Come on; get out of the sun for a bit.”

Blinking, I came back down to earth and shook my head.

“Sorry, I zoned out for a moment.” Somewhere in my brain, a door had opened and flooded my mind with memories that were both my own and not. “I’ve just been really distracted all day, but I do really want to ride the Old Mill ride together before we leave.”

He nodded. “I would love to.”

The Old Mill ride was the oldest ride in the ancient park and definitely looked like it belonged on a decrepit farm. Spooky mine decorations hung from the front entrance, but they weren’t what made my heart beat so fast. I couldn’t hear the churning of the water wheel over the thumping in my ears. Even though the line wasn’t very long, we were on the ride before I knew it.

It was dark inside, there were decorations and lights all around, but I was keenly aware of my thousand-yard stare. I was on the football field for cheerleader tryouts, having a sleepover in elementary school with a girl who would move away over the summer, biting my nails during a difficult test and ruining my nail polish in the process. My mouth was dry. Cute dresses and shoes and haircuts danced across my mind. I dated a boy in middle school who made fun of me for liking trading card games, made me cry whenever he wasn’t insisting that he loved me, and then broke up with me because I was too weird for him. Was the boat swaying back and forth or was that me?

I had been a boy until this morning–I still remembered everything about being a boy–but I had also always been a girl. Did my life until now even matter? My memories of being a girl, even the bad ones, lacked an unease that I had never recognized was perched on my shoulders before today. Could I still call myself Lucas? My friends remembered Sarah, Gabe remembered Sarah, my parents would remember Sarah.

Nausea swirled in my chest.

If I didn’t find that magician and correct whatever this was, if I walked out of the gates as a girl, then I was letting myself be replaced by a happier version of me.

Gabe leaned against my arm. “I love you so much, Sarah.”

“I love you, too.”

It wasn’t a lie, not even a fib. My heart swelled to be around him. I had so many fond memories of the two of us. Even the arguments I remembered us having weren’t as bad because I knew how much we loved each other.

“You’ve been acting kind of strange all day. Are you sure that you’re alright? I’m really worried about you. You never hide things from me like this?”

“I… think I’m just sick. I didn’t feel very good yesterday and hoped it would pass.” That much was a lie, at least. “Thank you for worrying, though.”

He nuzzled my cheek and said, “All I want is for you to be happy.”

“I know.”

I turned to look at his soft face in the dim light. We held still for a moment in the tinny music and whirring motors of the ride, then leaned forward and kissed each other. It was every bit as good as the first time.

When we got off, hand in hand, Eleanor and Claire were waiting for us.

“You wanted to see that magician again, right?” Eleanor asked. “We have a bit of time left.”

“No, really, it’s alright. As cool as it was the first time, I don’t need a repeat performance.”

Gabe said, “In that case, how about we head home.”

“Yeah, I just gotta return this dress and grab my clothes.”

I hadn’t realized how comfortable I had become in the dress until I was standing in a changing room again. It wasn’t very high quality, a little rough and itchy, but it had started to feel natural very quickly. The short shorts and tee shirt I found in my locker genuinely felt a little alien by comparison.

We took the trolley back toward the heart of town as the sun started to dip below the horizon, then got off and walked the rest of the way to our favorite little diner. We squeezed all my prizes into the booth with us as I gave Gabe his present, for which he gave me another kiss. My usual was the same in this life as my past one: two eggs, one scrambled, and four strips of bacon. For all the dramatic changes I would have to live with, all the little things that made me who I was remained the same.

“This was a lot of fun,” Claire admitted, “but I am beat.”

Gabe said, “Yeah, this is definitely a once-per-year kind of thing.”

Eleanor was across from me, ferociously digging into a cheeseburger. I had to smile at how comfortable she was. My heart still ached for what I’d lost today. She had genuinely loved me, but she belonged with Claire. Still, I was grateful that we remained close friends.

Conversation turned to school. I found myself piping in here and there without even realizing it; the new memories came so naturally that I found myself shivering once or twice. It was going to take some getting used to. Seeing my discomfort, Gabe wrapped his arm around my shoulder and pulled me closer.

I closed my eyes; there was nowhere else in the world I would rather be.

QuillRabbit

I've heard people talking about stories where a character discovers that they're trans through (or resulting in) a magical transformation that retroactively makes it canon that they've always been a girl, and speculating that the prevalence of such stories might be the result of a mix of lost time dysphoria and a desire to be seen by others as their true self without the qualifier of being seen as trans. "A girl," rather than "a trans girl."

That's certainly relatable enough, true or not, but I wanted to explore a character having a different emotional response to the situation: not elation or relief that they can have the life they've always wanted but rather a bit of fear and panic about the implications of such a thing happening to them. Sarah doesn't want to go back to who she used to be, but the fact that her old life was completely erased from history is an enormous idea to grapple with. And, of course, losing a happy relationship would be hard on anybody, especially if it turns out that there was someone else better for them all along. I suspect that Sarah will be fine, but I definitely might touch this story up in the future a little to better capture the emotional turmoil that Sarah is experiencing.

Alright, enough pretentious twaddling. Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed it.

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