My head throbbed like it’d burst, everything spun in a way that reduced warped shrubs, stone, and dirt to blurred and mottled colors of green, gray, and brown, not unlike a moldy dumpling I’d seen in a puddle. General Zhou rushed down the mountain with ease, going places where I would have unintentionally slipped and fallen to my doom, his dark hair flying behind him and whipping me in the face.

…don’t take me down the mountain…don’t take me down the mountain…don’t take me down the mountain!

I could repeat it in my head as many times I want, but incoherent rambling wouldn’t accomplish anything besides making myself a pitiable wreck.  He jumped downward again, another bout of nausea churned in my stomach. He should try hanging upside down without food or water for a day and see how it is. Moreover, what if in the jolting I bite my tongue by accident? He kept going...and going...it was no wonder he caught me up on the mountain in the first place, his stamina was limitless! ...Eventually, with all the blood rushing into my skull the last dregs of resistance I harbored were crowded out.

“Could the general…” I stuttered in a tiny breath,“…lift his high and honorable hand¹Humble way of asking important/superior person for mercy. and allow this one to walk by himself?”

He landed on a boulder with a tap of his tall boots. “How fast can you descend the mountain? It would be tomorrow before I reach the capital.”

I was saying with spite, “Oh, have a meeting with someone important? If you…forgot you saw me there would have been no need to rush. It’s the consequence of your own actions, and what you deserve for forcing yourself into another’s affairs.”

He gave a dark chuckle. “You can bark.”

Zhou Liang's wore form-fitting clothes, silver wrist guards with tucked in sleeves, and he had a full set of muscles flexing under his the compact layers of fabric as he went. If my hands weren't tied I'd feel him up a little to get back at him and try to disgust him, since I hadn't gotten the chance to spend the night with such a robust military sort before. But all the little fantasies ended when we reached the bottom of the mountain and I was flipped upright in one swing. I wasn’t sure what orientation I was at! Everything sort of appeared like a wobbling image in water.

I was lifted onto something fuzzy, a weight appeared behind me, then there was the clatter of hooves.

Zhou Liang said, “You can’t handle this much, but were planning to jump off the mountain side?”

I was stuck in a daze and could only focus on taking low and ragged breaths. An arm looped my chest, preventing me from slumping over, but it felt like my brain was spasming.

“You’re quiet…are you alright?”

I garbled and muttered and hissed out several curses in return. Such an aggravating a situation, I’m happy to faint. But having a dream is pretty annoying...

…

Father slowly stroked his tapering, ashen beard. Wizened skin, very much aged, he couldn’t have more than a decade left. Perhaps it was because he could afford the red ginseng, goldthread, licorice, and rhubarb, all the herbs²Prior list of names are random herbs in  traditional Chinese medicine (TCM) thought to have some kind of health benefit or medicinal property., and the tonics as well—yang-enriching³Yang energy is from the sun, known to be in males, a deficiency would bring decreased health and virility and heat-clearing⁴Fire/Heat (火; huǒ): aversion to heat, high fever, thirst, concentrated urine, red face, red tongue, yellow tongue fur, rapid pulse..

I was watching him think while giving me that stern, familiar stare. He wished to discuss a subject –quite the delicate one— in an accommodating and persuasive manner, yet the ‘accommodating’ part was foreign to him no matter how he tried.

He cleared his throat. “Marquis Su’s daughter is well-mannered and graceful.” Then he brought a teacup to his mouth, satisfied with his remark.

My mother also gave agreement. “Shu-er, didn’t you receive a sachet from Miss Su?” she asked.

I wordlessly fished out a green pouch. Its color was like newly-spouted needles on a fir and was stitched with the scene of a lotus pond. Mother smiled gentle and soft when she held it in her hand.

“How beautiful. Don’t you think so? I heard she can sew, paint, and play the flute, and much more.”

“As expected of the Marquis’s precious daughter,” father added. “The matchmaker said the alignment of your birthdates are favorable⁵It was important that a matchmaker said a union was lucky, gonna work out. Selection based on birthday..”

He came over and put a liver-spotted hand on my shoulder. Blue veins ran along it like murky rivers, and I could tell how much this meant to him at his age.

“Marrying her will consolidate the Fang family as nobility, and write our family into history!”

I couldn’t help but tense my shoulders. “I’ll decline. Mother and father should already be aware-”

“Shu’er, come on,” father’s face grew close to mine, that hand of his on my shoulder clenching like the jaws of a wild dog, “take a day to consider it! If you don’t give me a son, no one else can. Take some pity on your Dad.”

I shook off his hand. “Impossible.”

A fist raised at me, then lowered after great deliberation. Instead, my father used two fingers to rub his temples.

“Do you hear people? They say the Fang family can’t even produce one heir! Look…there’s your happiness, but there is also our family honor. It’s…” father coughed grudgingly, “…all right if you don’t pay her much attention. One or two grandsons and then-”

“I can’t.”  I took a few steps back, straightened my sleeves. This was getting nowhere.

“So you’re abandoning our family?!” he bellowed.

The old man must have breathed some spit in instead of spatting it out, because he started a coughing fit. Mother cooed and braced his elbow, rubbing his back to try and calm him.

She said, “He might not be ready. Can’t we discuss it later?”

“Hmph!” he scoffed, pointing a finger at me. “Not ready? Our son has been pretending to discuss it for years—lying to us, cheating our family out of a future! If it’s still too soon then I’ll be dead in the soil by the time he’s ready!”

“Now, now…” she was saying, all pliant.

“You think I’m not at the end of my rope, too?" I said. "When’s the last time you asked how it was going with my partner? I bet you don’t even know his name. Of course you don’t. Anyone I care about is worth less than dirt to you! All you want is a grandson.”

He wheezed in anger. Sneering, I changed my tone back to amiable politeness.

“Fine, then. Father, I’ve been rude to you. How about this, take in a brat off the street and say he’s my illegitimate child. I can have two sons, five sons…however many you want.”

The two were rendered speechless. Father just recovered from his cough, now his entire face was blood red with popping veins. I worried they might burst open. Slowly, his fist raised and shook and swung with vehemence.

“YOU LITTLE BASTARD! I'M GONNA BEAT SOME SENSE INTO YOU!”

His punch hit on the tip of my shoulder like the sting of a wasp and his eyes had a crazy reddish glint of a raging monster. I felt the gravity of his anger and started running across the courtyard as he chasing fast with his fists punching at air. My mother smiled nervously and put in a few short remarks about how we should stop fighting, none of which were acknowledged.

Dad bellowed, 

“Worthless! You shameless son…! Unfilial, prodigal, cutsleeve⁶Reference to "the passion of the cut sleeve" between Emperor Ai of Han, and Han politician Dong Xian. The emperor, upon finding Dong sleeping on his sleeve, cut off his sleeve rather than stir the boy from his sleep.! You’ve got a new lover every week and wonder why I don’t give a damn! Dog wastrel, ungrateful—”

Stringing curses into a chant that could summon a demon, it seemed my Father wanted to end this last debased progeny of his. 

“Damn you!” he swung and missed again. “Get out of my sight…SCRAM!”

I’d better flee to my lover’s place before he gets out the whip!

…

Laying on my chest, he wore a lazy grin and played with a piece of my hair, but his facial features were obscured. What was his name…Ping, Ming, Ling? My fevered brain dream didn't want me to remember, apparently.

“You’re so good today,” he said. Hands slinked up my abdomen. Putting his mouth and hot breath against my ear, he whispered, “I heard you’re going to receive Marquis Su’s daughter into your family.”

“Of course not!”

“You’re not? Such an opportunity won’t come again. And…the date for my marriage ceremony is set.”

It was carried through, after all. My lover saw my flat expression and readied himself to wheedle.

“Don’t put on such a face,” he used his little finger to trace around my eyes, “I must do this, or I’ll be an outcast and disowned. My family’s very sensitive about reputation.”

Father never once mentioned disowning me. Even though I’d caused so much trouble, he still cared. What I want to do…makes him miserable. He can only wait to the end of his days, watching generations of his family line end. I wanted to comply with him and balance the situation as my lover does, as everyone does. But…it wasn't possible. I really wanted to find one person that I could rely on as an equal, who wouldn't neglect me after their first child was born. 

“You can stay with me,” I said, not expecting anything. “I’m buying a place soon.”

He shook his head.

“What of never again seeing my family, or meeting my brother’s children?” His eyes became overcast with sorrow. “Imagine what it would be like if you passed before me. What would be left but an empty house? I’d rather marry you into my family, keep you by my side. You could raise my sons with me.”

I could imagine him touching another person, playing with her breasts and hair. Buying his children snacks at the market and calling them his precious pearl⁷Endearing term for daughter., and tiger son⁸Endearing term for son., paying me a visit but having to go. Worst of all, I could see a jealous wife. 

He laughed. “I know it’s rude of me to suggest it. If anything, I should be the one marrying you, but it’s just a little dream I had. You’re the only one in my heart…” the space between my legs was breached with nimble fingers, “…a woman can’t be so good!”

Fuck you.

What a scum! Not even bothering to apologize and getting back right to the sex, promising sweet-nothings. He could at least sound a little more sad and sorry...but I'm also a scum, so I did fuck him, then severed all ties with him. I wondered if after that sweet, honest first-love I had years ago, I wasted my one chance at finding a good partner. Now I was investing my heart less each time, becoming all jaded...

…