Dual dealings. Side B

     I'm waiting inside a little Café. It's a place I used to visit with Penny before work. I was always restrictive when it came to money and I never used to spend much money on trivial or extra things. I used to be very conservative, so I limited the Café visits to once a week. Slowly it became three times a week and soon I was here for every word day. One day we just stopped coming here. Not just because it didn't fit our image but also because we were never up early enough to come here before work anymore. 

It was Penny's idea to come here today. I called her after I spoke with GG last night, I told her what happened and for a moment despite what the conversation was about, I smiled because we were being open and honest again. If she felt the same nostalgia that might be why she chose this place to meet.

"What am I even doing here?", I looked around and I was surrounded by casually dressed people while I was dressed in all white tight form fitting name brand attire. I unbuttoned my blazer exposing my tight black shirt, I took it off and placed it on the back of my chair. I used to go to work in normal bargain bin business attire but once I tacked on another digit to my salary I felt easily justified in upgrading the way I was living and began spending more. 

"I feel so out of place here as if I stand out of the crowd. This place used to be a luxury expense for me, but now I look too rich to be here."

What did I even spend my money on? The amount of debt on my credit cards could have put Hayley in private school for a couple of years. The amount I put in her college fund this year is what I spent on myself in 2 months. I knew I was indulging, I always thought that I 'had time' to make it up to my family, but I don't know if I even have that 'time' anymore.

 "I should start putting all my money toward my family to show that I am working so hard for them."

….

……

I left my home early because I was anxious about Jensen and the kids and the possibility that they were at GG's home. So I ended up forcing myself to wait longer for Penny and now I feel like a zoo exhibit. As if everyone here is mocking me. I know they are just going about their own business but I can't help but feel they are all judging me. Judging me for looking down on people like them, like they know I've made jokes about them yet they know I would give anything to go back to being one of them. As they are surrounding me I see all of them,each of their faces, and it's just proof of how far I've come…. and it's not in a good way. I feel so out of touch, so removed from normal life.

*ding* 

The door to the Café opened up and Penny walked in. Her eyes were red and it looked like she redid her makeup. It seems she's been having a hard time too.

I remember being so excited seeing my friend appear here or I'd see her waving at me when I arrive. Now it's two sad women wishing we were the past versions of ourselves looking at each other. Before just being near each other was therapeutic, then it easily just became, what we are today. Now we are both just looking at each other in shame as she slowly approaches me.

"Hey." I said weakly.

"Hey." She said as she sat down. We are both dressed in a way that is drawing attention from the surroundings, and for once I see even Penny not liking the environment and looks uneasy. She who used to be the embodiment of female confidence, looks like her armor was broken. We both stare down at the table without saying a word. It was when I realized I've only spoken to her about my problems and this is the first time I've seen her since the other night where I messed up royally.

"Penny, I'm sor-" 

"Don't." She interrupted me. "Just don't please." She took a slow breath and continued, "If I was Caleb and an attractive person offered me a chance to even the score for being cheated on, I already proved I would do it too." My eyes opened at her words. "So you don't have to apologize. If I cleaned up my act sooner I would still have him, I would still have some dignity too." 

"Penny, you deserve better than him." I tried to convince her.

"Do I?" She looked at me with a blank expression. "I tried to get you to start cheating on Jensen. Even though I stopped that, I didn't stop you when you started. I was already doing horrible things by helping you hurt your husband, but Caleb also was hurt." Penny spoke slowly, "Caleb liked me and I kept up with my horrible behavior while stringing him along. He was in a relationship with a no good slut the entire time. I had a good man but didn't treat him like one. When I got upset at you, I didn't think of it like that. I thought 'He's just like my husband.'. But he really wasn't. He was sweet and kind, and hated me overspending on him, hated how I tried to get his attention when he wanted to give it to me without me trying, and he hated how I was never happy with myself. He just wanted my time but I  chose to continue partying with you."

"Penny that was my choice not yours, you followed me because you are a good friend, me and Jensen will work out our issues-"

"What?" She shot a shocked expression at me, "Our issues? Tammy, he didn't do anything wrong, you have to take responsibility for everything."

"Penny, when a married couple hit a rut, they have to-"

"Tammy!" She whispered harshly, "You didn't hit a rut. You slept with dozens of men behind his back."

"And he has a little whore too, so we can work this out." My eyes get a little angry at my friend.

"You had Sherman for years and apparently the president, and not to mention all the random men we hooked up with. You consider you both even with just that woman?"

"He has her around my kids Penny," I spoke in a low volume.

"You said she was always around them. So that didn't change Tammy. The only problem is they saw more of her than you." Penny defended Jensen's mistress.

 "Look, that's all in the past. She isn't just a babysitter anymore, that's the issue. He's exposing the kids to their relationship."

"I guess, I can understand when you say it like that. Although I haven't seen them and the kids together, have you?"

"It doesn't really matter. Today I'm going to end my Relationship with Sherman and the President and keep the workplace strictly professional. I would hope Jensen does the same so we can work on things together." I spoke fluidly and neutrally.

"Wait," Penny rubbed her temple, "not only were you cheating on Jensen by having two relationships with people from the company and ducking an intern, I won't mention the random hook ups, but you avoided being a mom while working and partying," She leaned in closer, "Ghazelle even told you Sherman was the one that exposed you to Jensen, and you not only will continue to work at this company, but with men you betrayed Jensen with and be comfortable with it?" My eyes opened wide.

"You spoke with her?" My tone became icy.

"I wanted to meet you at your home, maybe see you and Jensen together." Penny said while looking away, "I missed the old days and hoped I could just see you two in the same place and it could be like old times. Anyway I bumped into her and we spoke. She genuinely wants you both back together."

"I'll believe that when she gets out of our lives."

"Wait, you want to work with the men you've slept with for years, but you want her out of your life?"

"Look, I can control who I sleep with. I've been doing this for a while. Jensen isn't in control, that woman tempted him and will continue to do so. Since she already broke the seal with Jensen, he might still indulge her wants and desires without me knowing."

"Did you just say if you got back with Jensen, he might cheat on you?"

"We are still together, we're married!" I raised my voice a little.

"Still married? 'In control'? If you're so in control, why did everyone in the company see you getting felt up by two men?" Her words stung me, "if you're the one in control then are you admitting you went after caleb?"

"What, no-"

"If you're so in control," she brought her phone out while making sure no one was looking over her shoulder, "why did you get gangbanged instead of being with your family." Penny said almost loud enough for people to hear. Penny blushed a little and looked around to make sure we didn't draw attention. She stared at me with mixed emotions before opening her phone and within a few taps she's showing me a video.  

"Oh my god!" I couldn't recognize the person in the video. The willingness and eagerness, "I hate it.". My eyes looked like a feral creature and the things I was doing. All of it affected my dignity. The way I was being used. "I hate it, I hate it.". The voices could be heard if the volume was higher, but one voice was right next to the camera and I could hear it.

"There you go Ladybug, swallow that young cock in front of you."

"I HATE IT! I HATE! I HATE!" I flipped the phone over and slid it to Penny. I was sniffling and looking around to make sure I didn't cause a scene. My eyes were red as I held back tears.

"Tammy, you can't keep working at that company." Penny reached toward my hand and I pulled it away, my hand was shaking. Penny looked at me with concern.

"I'm sorry, I'm just," I clear my throat, "I'm just a little rattled is all."

"Tammy, what does the name Ladybug have to do with anything?"

"It's just a nickname."

"A nickname?"

"Yeah." I couldn't look at Penny when I answered.

"Tammy, do you have any other nicknames?"

"Only the one Sherman calls me."

"Fuck, there's two things I have to tell you." My eyes turned to her as she said that.

"What is it?"

"That girl Ghazelle told me to tell you, 'tell her I forgot to tell her, please stop calling Jensen Tum-tum, he knows about your other nickname and has seen the picture.' I was shocked when she said that, I'm so sorry Tammy." My heart sank at Penny's message. That was the oldest link we had with each other, and he wants nothing to do with it. It was obviously Sherman who told him now, there was no way it could be mistaken for someone else.

"...thanks… for letting me know." Penny can see the light in my eyes continue to die as I sit in front of her. "And the other thing?" My voice had gone soft.

"I'll actually have to get back to you, I want to make certain of it before I mention it."

"Ok." I honestly don't want to hear anymore.

"Tammy," she reached out again, this time I accepted her hand, "Is there something you're not telling me Tams? I never asked, but when you started cheating with Sherman, I never asked you why. Did something happen? You went from feeling guilty about a guy kissing you, for almost an entire year, to almost jumping Sherman the moment you saw him." Penny held my hand tightly and looked at me.

"...No…. Nothing happened," I spoke softly, "He just looked amazing to me at the time." I tried to shrug it off.

"Jensen," Penny paused, "Jensen was worth more to you than anything, and you're trying to say you risked your husband and daughter, for looks?" 

"I… I don't want to talk about it. Besides why else would Jensen pick that whore if it wasn't for her looks." I tried to reorganize my feelings. Penny garnered an annoyed look on her face.

"That whore has been watching your kids while you were out and when Jensen was working or," Penny's face turned solemn. "when he was too depressed to function. Tammy there is too many things about your life that kills Jensen a little everyday, to have a chance at getting him back, you have to get everything in control.

"I am in control, I am in control, I am in control…. I have to be." I repeat to myself. My body is trembling and I don't know how to fix anything. I just want to feel right again, that's all I ever wanted. I want everything fixed.

"Tammy you have to stop blaming Ghazelle, the one who pushed Jensen away, was you." 

"I KNOW!" I snapped, and I couldn't stop my tears. I got up and started walking out of the Café. I got out to the street unable to control my tears. "Everything is messed up, I messed it all up.". I tried wiping my eyes but my tears wouldn't stop. I couldn't put my thoughts together and I couldn't figure out my next move. Everything around me felt like it was closing in on me, my vision began to blur. Suddenly I felt something on my back.

"You'd forget your head if it wasn't screwed on right." Penny said in a soft voice as she put my blazer on my shoulders.

"Penny…" I said while sobbing, "I know I did it all. I know it, but if I-" She hands me a napkin to blow my nose and I do. "If I accept all the blame… then how can I be with him. If it's all my fault how can I look at him." I turned to my friend and buried my head in her shoulder. She hugged me and rubbed my back.

We just stood there on the sidewalk and she just held me. We couldn't say anything, we both made mistakes, and all I'm doing is refusing to pay for them. 

Dual Dealings side A

   We got to my attorney's office and we had a normal discussion. He's an old man but a friend of my fathers original attorney. My father and his attorney passed away a while back and this man lived in my area and was a former colleague of my father's attorney. He gladly took up my case to help me. Its just a transfer of estate and this gray haired old man was once one of the best criminal defense attorneys but couldn't handle the pressure of high profile cases anymore due to his age. 

He's a very old man at 72 years old, 5'8" in height and white hair. He wears traditional black suits and is always direct.

Everything between me and this man will be settled in the upcoming week, then I'll know what I can do about my divorce. If anyone hears about my story they all probably wondered why I put so much effort into my marriage, and the answer is simple: I love my wife, with every fiber of my being I love my wife. However, if you're wondering why I endured it for so long, it was because I wanted to have her back, i would have tried for longer but surprisingly and coincidentally I was given a time frame.

     When My father passed away he left me a very considerable sum of money and his old home. I am actually having the home remodeled as we speak, with my own money. There was a caveat to my fathers will though, it was I could not leave my wife until I turned 35. If I filed for divorce before I was 35 I would forgo any awards to be given to me. I have no idea why my father made such a rule, but I fully appreciated it for a couple of reasons; one would be because it helped me put 100% effort into winning back my wife and two if I didn't have that time frame I probably would have kept chasing my wife, the time frame kept my mind sober and I was able to fixate on a finish line.

     The time limit of my 35th birthday made me realize not only how long my wife's behavior has been going on, but how long it was taking to see results. As there were no results to my efforts. More than that, how much effort I put in, versus how much effort she put in, and I don't mean just when the cheating started. I mean even before that. When the cheating started without my knowledge, I was still treating her like my everything. I have no regrets about doing my best to make her happy, but it made me realize, she was never needing anything and  that she gained nothing from others.

"What did she gain from cheating? Every post on online forums, to random DM's to my story and everyone was confused at her motive. Until this day I couldn't think of a motive and everyone kept saying I was the perfect husband."

      When I had that conversation with that red headed asshole he showed me sides of my wife that if anyone ever accused her of being able to do those things, I would have killed them. That's not a metaphor, I would have pulled off that person's jaw and beat them over the head with it. I was so upset and angry that I wanted to murder that man. But when I got home I looked in the mirror and I saw a fat slob. I inadvertently tried to accept blame for her actions and put myself on a journey that I never wanted to be on. The benefits of it are amazing, but I would never want someone I cared about to do what I did to myself,  that they do to themselves.

    The one image he showed me was of her face smiling for the camera while she was covered in semen. That man said:

"She knew her husband as kids and he has this silly nickname because he had a fucking stutter. He was so stupid as a kid when she called him 'Tum-tum', he never corrected her. She still calls him that, so after this pic I started to call her 'CC' whenever we are together because she is my little Cum-cum."

   He was laughing like it was the best joke ever told, but I used it as fuel for everything I did to myself. I thought I wasn't man enough, wasn't rich enough, or worldly enough. So I got in contact with groups on the internet. Forums for betrayed spouses and I had many mixed receptions. I told my story and said what I wanted to do, so many people called my wife names and belittled her. As much as she deserved it I defended her till the end, a small handful of people genuinely tried to help me. I told them "I want to win. If I don't get her, I want to know I did everything I could.".

     One man in particular told me he will help, he had many regrets in his last relationship and just wished he looked past what she did, and tried to figure out why she did it. He wanted to help her before he moved on, but in the end he didn't. He left her and she killed herself. He knew it wasn't his fault but he wanted to do more, so he had me live out what he wanted and all he wanted was to try for his wife.

    I sent him $1000 U.S dollars. He took my body measurements over instant messaging, went over my B.M.I sent me a weight loss regimen, steroids, testosterone, needles, instructions, a meal plan for 45 days, told me about beginning classes in my area for new hobbies to keep me busy, and names of instructors in my area. He did way more than what $1000 would do if I did this alone.

That was to start me up. From the middle of January til March I shed 50 pounds and was lifting heavier than I ever had. I cleaned out my system focused on maintaining and now I have this body. The classes he recommended were business classes, martial art classes, and artistic classes. The instructors are back alley holes in the wall that were ran by former marines who teach martial arts, disgraced performers, and just skilled people looking to make ends meet that owed him favors.

   I didn't do everything everyday, I had an alternating schedule. He said that I had to increase my self worth, and that literally meant how I felt about myself. My wife didn't ever hear about my friend Paul, but, well I actually have one. I met so many people on this journey who I shared my story with and they all supported me somehow. They all told me she didn't deserve me.and all.I told.them was about our childhood and how if I can get her back, whatever she did doesn't matter. People called me dumb, but the best dumb guy they ever met.

"I still don't know how to take that."

    It got to the point where my body started breaking down and that's how GG found me. I was too fatigued because of everything I was doing. I told her about everything, even the steroids, and she was pissed at me and cussed me out. She was sad and broken down by what was happening with me, but always told me how amazing I was. How she would have given up long ago, and that no one deserved the pain and effort I put in. I didn't know how to take all of that.

    One guy on the internet said my wife may see me as too safe and that I would never cheat or leave her. If I can't attract other women, how could I keep my wife's eyes on me he said. I was hurt and not in the right state of mind, but he made sense. I couldn't believe how much I accepted that possibility. GG also suggested I try dating(like mock dating), so I tried meeting women and I failed horribly. I don't get why Penny or GG want me, but when I actually try and flirt, I suck. I've been ditched, left on read, and just ghosted. 

      GG put me through a training school of attracting women and honestly everything she showed me, I just tried on her. I never wanted to do anything too forward with my wife, because of everything I was already doing to garner her attention. I mean I have a 6-pack and she couldn't notice I don't have a beer belly any more? I was bewildered by how little she looked at me. I began ignoring her hoping it would cause an emotional stir, and still nothing. That's all besides the point, I got carried away with my own journey and kept pushing myself, but that's a different story.

…

….

     My attorney just prepped the paperwork and I no longer cared about the outcome, so I told him I will be filing for divorce next week. The main reason this is an issue is because my father was a part of my wife's life as well, on top of that my wife has always been a part of my life. If I filed for divorce before 35, she could stake a  claim for it as next of kin, as my father didn't add stipulations for anyone but me and he did adopt my wife. Now all I have to worry about is splitting it with her, which I don't mind. She seemed to only want her job and money anyway, I'll be happy knowing I gave her what she wanted.

    My attorney assured me that it will be fine. If I'm trying to be amicable everything will end as I want it. The last thing will be a will reading on my birthday. With those words I stepped out of his office to look for GG and the kids. Only to see GG sitting down on the ground in the waiting room with both kids in her lap and she's taking selfies. GG is always great with the kids but I've never seen her take selfies with the kids. So I sneak up behind them and snatch her phone.

"OH YOU MOTHER-" She covers her mother and tries to move the kids so she can get up.

"It's me, it's me." I said hoping to calm her down.

"Dadgee!" Jon-Jon yelled.

"Are you done daddy!" Hayley asked.

"What are you doing?" GG asked in a stern voice.

"Daddy's done and I'm just playing a prank." I scrolled through GG's phone gallery and I saw a little bit of her pics. All her naughty things are done on an ACTUAL camera, she assured me that and said I can always go through her phone without seeing her with anyone else. However, what I saw though, I didn't expect. "We have to go guys." I said. We got ready to go to our next destination, and I looked GG deeply in the eyes, but she wouldn't look at me. "GG, me and you are gonna talk later tonight.". She simply looked down and nodded. My dick began throbbing, and my thumb was on her phone screen touching an album titled "me and my kiddies."

"My breeding instincts are telling me I'm gonna destroy this lovely woman tonight."

…….

………

…………

        At my divorce attorneys office things went surprisingly smooth, Angela Blau. Direct and business-like she dresses in form fitting business skirts that go down to the knee, dark or light colored blouse, and a skirt matching blazer. Today the skirt and blazer are a silver-gray, and she is wearing a white loose top. Her medium length hair is tied back in a tight bun knot. She is a real cut and dry type of person, and although she sympathizes with me she keeps her emotions out of everything to remain clear headed. 

     She told me how assets would be divided, and with how I've used separate accounts and have been paying bills through only my income for a while now, that I would be awarded compensation as well as alimony. My wife makes more than I do so that's just how the cookie crumbles. My main concern is I want full custody of my kids, and this isn't out of spite but because she always works. She would work 6 days a week because her clients always had concerns, and this was before Jon-jon was born. Now she's just never home, I can't rely on her to take care of the kids that way. Another reason is that I'll be moving back to my hometown. My good memories here aren't worth my painful ones, even moving in with GG would still be painful.

"Have you decided?" Angela asked me.

"I'm sorry, decided?"

"To use a P.I to gather evidence. So have you decided?" That's whatbshe meant. She gave me the offer of using a private investigator to gather evidence of my wife's infidelity. I always pressed that I would handle it myself, but as of late I realized, I can't do it. Every chance I had for a picture or recording I either left out her face or name from the evidence. I don't know if it was subconsciously or not, but I can't do it.

"Um, yeah. I think it would be for the best if we used your private investigator."

"Perfect." She reached into her desk drawer and pulled out what looked like a dozen files, 4-inches of thick paper work.  "This is what my guy was able to get with minimal effort. She hasn't really been discreet and once you told me she lost her phone, well my guy has a tech guy and was able to pull files from her back cloud."

"Can I see-"

"No!" Angela stood up and put her hand on the files. "Your friend Gigli-"

"GG." I said a little too harshly, causing Angela to blush.

"I'm so sorry," Her eyes flickered a little, "your son Jon-jon calls her that, and she never corrected me." She replied, remembering how Jon-jon calls GG my cheeks brighten causing me to feel a little embarrassed.

"No, I'm sorry. That came out harsher than I intended." I soften my expression, "I just know some people wouldn't respect someone who dresses like GG, especially uhhh…." I began waving my hand in the air trying to find the right words. "Uhhh, someone with such a formal background." My words caused Angela to smile.

"Normally I can understand where you are coming from, but that girl isn't what she seems." She let out a sigh, "She knows my P.I and actually had him do this at a discounted rate. However, she told me only to provide these if you ever decide to use the P.I considering you would probably be last minute because you are soft and kind." 

"GG got me there, ouch."

"If you decided against the P.I, we would just trash the evidence. That girl legitimately has no worries when it comes to money or societal views. You may have seen people with formal backgrounds look down on her, but she is in a position where can do the same." Angela had a mild look of envy on her face. "Anyway, it was that girl's idea that you don't see this, because you don't need to. We have it and we'll use it so you no longer have to be hurt by anymore things that have already happened. You can move your life in the direction you want, OH!", At the end of her words I got up and hugged her.

"Thank you." She was surprised but slowly raised her arms and squeezed my back. I felt her lean her head into my shoulder. 

*sniff*

This must be very emotional for her to have such a grateful client. I let her go, but she lingers a little bit and I hear sniffling again.

"She must be trying to prolong the hug to hide her tears."

"Ahem," She cleared her throat as she stepped back, her arms slowly traced my back down to my hips. Her face looked flushed.

"She kept her hands on me for a while, maybe she is losing balance. She looks like she might have a fever."

"Uhhh, yeah so that should conclude our business, unless you have any questions, concerns, or anything you want more of." She said in a weird whisper.

"Nope, that's it. I want to look at what the P.I sent, but if GG didn't want me to then I probably shouldn't." While I said that Angela's expression turned a little tight?

"You really have a deep connected with her don't you?"

"Huh? No, not really she wants to keep it casual." Angela's eyes flickered again.

"Is that so? Well our meeting is done, you will have everything you are demanding and that's a guarantee. To most people your wife will be the female version of a toxic husband, but what makes it worse is that a woman cheating on a man nowadays is seen as empowering." Angela looked at me as if warning me, "However not if kids are involved. Neglecting a husband is one thing, neglecting motherly duties?! No jury would vote in her favor, so.we know this won't go to court. Any attorney she gets will advise you to accept your demands." She said triumphantly. Even though I should be happy, I'm not. Just knowing the person I'm putting in a corner is my Tam-tam, hurts me. I really hate this.

"Thank you." I said with a look of defeat. I didn't notice the look of Angela's eyes as she came and patted me on the back and escorted me out of her office.

"If you need to calm down and relax you can stay here for a little while," Angela offered while touching my arm.

"Oh, no I don't want to stop you from getting more business, you've already set everything up for me, I can't ask for more."  I said as I opened her office door. I didn't notice the tinge of irritation on her face as she followed me to the waiting room. 

      In the waiting room were my children watching videos on GG's phone, and laughing hysterically as she tickled them. Watching the scene made me so happy that I began to get an erection. This is for no other meaning besides GG and this maternal scene. Her with my kids, maybe it's the steroids and testosterone, but im having baby fever. Now that I think about it, Jon-jon is always snuggled up to GG. I know, and GG knows that Tamera is Jon-jon's mom, but Jon-jon is only 3 years old. Over the last year  the woman he predominantly spent time with……

"Oh, hey!" GG smiled and waved at me and Angela. Angela gave a quick debriefing to GG, she did it so naturally I didn't realize how outta place it was for her to do that. "Well that's great, I figured that would happen. Come on kiddos we're leaving." GG said and they all stood up, but Jon-jon was looking like a zombie and he drunk waddled to GG holding up his arms. "Awwwwe, were you comfy on the ground, coke my big boy." GG said as she picked up Jon-jon, almost instantly he got comfortable and fell asleep in her arms.

"Wow, hey pass him here." I held my arms out for GG. No matter how well she handles the kid, her walking 10 minutes to the car while holding 20 pounds, is too much to ask for.

"Fuck, how would Jon-jon act with Tamera? Our problems aside, when was the last time she held Jon-jon?" While thinking that I realized, my arms are still empty, I look at GG who is leaning towards me so Jon-jon could climb aboard, but he doesn't. Jon-jon is facing me with his eyes open staring, if not glaring, at me as if I'm ruining something. "Is he fake sleeping!?", his head is under GG's neck so she can't see him but Hayley saw.

"Ugh, he is such a mo-" Hayley started,

"I'll just carry him!" GG interrupted Hayley and petted her head.

"Oh, uhhh ok." I offer Hayley my hand and we wall toward the elevator. Without me knowing Angela approached GG and had a conversation I couldn't hear.

"Ummm, so do we still have the deal?" Angela asked.

"It all depends on if the divorce happens. I just want that man happy, but I am not above fighting dirty against anyone who wronged him."

"Very well, I'll look forward to working with you." Angela spoke in a dignified tone, trying to hide her blushing cheeks.

"Likewise gorgeous." GG walked toward me and Hayley after the short exhange.