As the title reads, I am considering rewriting the novel for the following reasons:
- I made a mistake in making the MC a "Cheat" character off the bat. I gave him two over-god level unique skills, and no matter how I see it, this needs to be removed. No more cheats from the mc, they make writing so difficult!
- The concept of gaining talents through eating was inspired by RE: Monster. The concept is good, but in practice, it is game-breakingly bad, so I decided to nerf the shit out of this while leaving a mental corruption element.
- I made this into too much of a Litrpg, and I don't have the patience or the imagination to be creative enough and make a hundred skills, talents, whatever, and even add the concept of levels. The status table is also terrible to maintain, seriously. Have you ever tried to do it? It's horrible! I need to keep tabs on every single detail. I am not against him having the ability to look at his status, but the details need to be lowered down to a minimum so that he isn't looking at it all the time.
- The MC is having too good of a time, and he was born too talented for my liking. This is turning a bit too vanilla than I imagined. I wanted something grimdark(Though still not at WH40K level.). I want to see blood, tribal violence, and an unrestrained society built around strength.
- At this rate, the MC is going to end up as an omnipotent man-god, I don't want this! Who among you can relate to a fucking man-god? I just wanted to write about a slave character that struggles through life.
- Oaths are too dominant. For fuck sake, this is too convenient, and you can all see that. This makes plotting and such redundant and useless, as you can simply force people to swear an oath.
- I made the eldritch look like evil gods instead of the dark gods of madness they are, replacing the role of evil gods.
- The gods are too involved with our protagonist. I want things to be more realistic, so Mog needs to stay away from the eyes of the all-seeing gods who sit on a golden shitter in some higher world.
What I want to Keep:
- Racial inequality. Half-breeds will always, always be treated badly in whatever society they're in. Mog is a half-orc, so yes.
- The gods and most of the characters that I have created, including Mog, although I plan on changing his circumstances greatly.
- The Roman/ Tribal setting.
- The empires, kingdoms, leagues, and religions in general, including the era, although I will start making things more realistic, bloody, and darker.
- The world, dungeons, monsters, monster girls(Yes, I still plan on keeping it as smut although it won't be the main focus.)
- Mog's relatively good looks and big dick. (For the perverts among us, mostly.)
What I want to Change:
- Talents are now hidden things like they should be, unquantifiable. You need to manually check your talents, such as testing stones for Aura and Mana Affinity, Testing alchemy skills manually through learning and tests, whatever else.
- The storyline(Obviously)
- The status panel. I plan on removing the talents and skills and reducing the stats to a minimum. Also changing the numbers back to Ranks, and I will leave it with Physique, Agility, Awareness, Intelligence, Aura, Mana, Willpower. (Feel free to suggest anything regarding stats.). This will make my writing easier, and hopefully, faster.
- Nerfing the shit out of Mog. His nonsense talents will be removed, leaving him with what you can call a Basic Warrior Talent. That's right, he is now cannon fodder. Now, where is his "Cheat" you might ask? I am considering whether or not to give him an eldritch artifact that will grant him the ability to absorb beneficial things from what he eats, improving his innate potential in a not-so Litrpg way, and in a much more sensible way. (Like slowly gaining affinity to an element by eating potent fire element treasures.). As for the price? Part of his inhibitions as a person, intense hunger, bloodlust, intense lust, a slowly ebbing sanity, etc.
- The demigods(Actually transcendental beings.) were too involved in the politics of the secular world. I am nerfing it down a notch, making demigods more scarce and hidden. No more seeing a demigod oracle suddenly popping up out of bumblefuck nowhere and telling you that you have great destiny and bullshit.
- Changing the nature of Oaths. Oaths will not directly smite someone for breaking the oath, but your forehead shall be branded with an unremovable "Oathbreaker" mark. This will make people distrustful of you, but they won't hunt you down for it for some divine merit. Such a mark can be removed through helping the gods, redemption, or a pilgrimage.
- The involvement of the gods in the world. Let gods do their shit, and let the mortals do theirs. At most, send someone on an epic quest or some shit.
- The grades of warrior and mage talent. Now, I am changing things from basic/intermediate/advanced/perfect, etc, to Ranks. Someone with D rank warrior talent will reach the D-Rank warrior rank without a bottleneck and only need to train, but after that, he will have a hard time improving. To overcome that, they can search for various ways to increase their talent, such as potions, natural treasures, life and death battles, godly blessings, a pact with some evil god, enlightenment, being exposed to intense radiation, and whatever else that gives you a boner.
What I want to Remove:
- Mog's unique talents and Grith.
- Mog's convenience in life. I am switching to hard mode since I can relate to this without boring myself to death. Perhaps a tribe that sells him to some cruel young master(Like Aulus) that sends him to the arena constantly. This will change the plot from convenience to survival and rewards, and possibly revenge.
- I made it before that warriors don't feel bad about killing, right? Removing that. Now, warriors can feel the same disgust over killing as a normal person does.
- Levels and classes. I don't want any more levels and classes. I had enough of it. People can train Aura and mana like in xianxia novels instead, less restriction, more freedom. You choose what you want to be (If you have the time and leisure for it).
- Perhaps other things I haven't thought about yet.
Prototype New status Panel:
Name: Mog
Race: Orc/Human
Age: 10 years old
State: Weak(Starvation)
Stats:(Normal Adult Person stats are F, and the stats are not absolute.)
General strength: F- (Also indicates the soul power, which is the size and raw strength of the soul. It can create an invisible pressure on weaker beings. If the strength gap is too large, you need to have high enough willpower(Not soul power), or you are paralyzed or unable to move properly, possibly fainting.)
Physique: G+(Affects the absolute strength and toughness of the body, general health, and stamina.)
Agility: F (Affects explosive strength, thus affecting speed, dynamic vision, dynamic movements, eye to hand coordination, etc.)
Intelligence: F+(Affects Learning speed, quick calculation speed, memory, and reasoning.)
Awareness: F+(Affects quick judgment making, perception(Including the perception of the laws), and intuition.)
Aura: G-(The Rank of your Aura. It no longer reflects your talent for Aura, just the rank of it.)
Mana: G-(Same as Aura, just with mana.)
Willpower(Hidden stat): F(All people have willpower, which reflects the strength of the ego of their souls. It is what keeps your sanity in check, and allows one to resist the effects of mental corruption, possessions, and such. It isn't the size of your soul power, however, just your Ego itself, your existence. The soul is just a vassal that your Ego occupies. The size of your soul is reflected upon your general strength. For example, a B-rank warrior will have a B-rank soul, but his willpower can be as weak as F-rank or as strong as SSS-rank. In other words, his raw soul can be strong, making direct soul attacks ineffective, but if his willpower is weak, then his vassal is vulnerable to corruption and possession, like a giant iron-clad ship with few crew members, making bombardments ineffective, but boarding the ship and killing the crew makes it as good as yours.)
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Cheat/Curse. As long as it is nerfed, needs better resources to improve, and makes things go darker. Votes: 20 45.5%
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Rawbone it. Exchanges self struggle with more outside struggle for survival. Votes: 24 54.5%
Yes to all the things you want to keep. Might I add that I want Mog to be a savvier character. Learn from experiences but also naturally distrustful, cunning, calm etc. This will play into his journey where the world is dark, he knows that, but he doesn't have to play by the rules. Using his intelligence and boons to overcome obstacles rather than be a passive passenger.
Hidden Talents Yes. Like Xuanhuan maybe where he has an affinity when training in a certain way but no quantified numbers.
I don't think status panel matters whether its numbers or not tbh. But it should def be simpler. Perhaps just INT/AGI/STR with Aura being unlockable and Will being hidden completely?
Nerfing mog is chill but maybe have his cursed artefact be something inverse. Like the benefits, the gains come at the cost of an accelerating loss of sanity. The only counter to this is increasing willpower AND satisfying the cravings.
Demigods can be like clan ancestors IMO with each major force (empire) having several every few hundred years? With gods rising up every few thousand. I mean it's tricky because Mog should have massive goals over time.
Oaths, meh. Do whatever
Gods maybe work like JFDE where they really just want more incense i.e. followers so they gain infinitely power up?
Meh about talent. I reckon it should either not be something known/quantified OR its instinctive knowledge such as a person who picks up a sword and just knows...
Mog could have a unique talent without it being gamebreaking given all the other changes. Like the idea of him being able to better process energy. But yeah Grith was lame and should be nixed.
Hard mode Mog is chill but he needs to be cunning/charming etc. to make up for it. Watching the MC get beat up/NTR'd etc is f*cking boring as hell and I ain't around for it. sh*t can happen but he has to turn it around and use it as fuel for growth.
Realistic reaction to killing? Yes
Classes/Levels whatever you want. Maybe like Chronicles of Primordial Wars where its just nice and straightforward? Solid simple power system. Might be worth copying or using for inspiration.
Meh to the new status panel its fine but I think it could be even simpler. It should be just a guide to see what he's capable of. Doesn't need to be complicated.
As a last note. I think that Mog should try to emulate (obv with his own personality, backstory, goals etc.) Wei Wuyin from 'Paragon of Sin'. In that he's handsome, ruthless, and an expert planner. Uses his confidence/charm to bs when needed but in reality just makes tons of plans and contingencies to break through blockades. Its such a fun read and Mog deserves to find happiness given all the sh*t you plan to do to him haha
Otherwise good luck mate. I enjoyed the story as it was but will look forward to a rewritten version.
Paragon of sin is great !
@Rexharris Heck yeah it is. Lots to love.
What I want to Keep:
Average day in the 1800s.
Yeah, kinda.
I already liked the original and the rewrite sounds like it might make it even better. My suggestion would be to make Mog a medium talented person. Someone who is more talented then average but far from a genius. And then have to slog his way through to the top.
I mainly suggest this because I feel like it’s hardly ever done. It’s always either someone born OP or someone who is literally bottom of the barrel and then gets OP cheat. I think it would be more interesting and realistic if he was just a slightly above average or even average and has to pull himself out of it.
If you want to make the story darker I have two suggestions. Maybe make it so Mog is I’m the fighting pits. Or make Mog forcibly drafted into the military and be like a military slave. Or maybe a combo where pits as kid and moved to military as adult.
I’m not surprised about you having trouble with the status every time I read a litrpg that has a lot I’m like, this must be so hard to keep track of.
Another note on progression, I feel like most stories act like everything has to happen quickly in the time line. For example in cultivation novels the mc will be super young and strong. But it could be more realistic if they took a long amount of time. Like what if Mog stayed weak and struggling for years and by the time he is really strong is an somewhat old. It can be done since he can gain more lifespan by becoming a demigod and other things. I feel like that ads realism because people normally don’t peak super early (hopefully for them).
That’s all I can think of for now might say more later !
Just thought of this. If you want him to have a cheat he could make a secret covenant with a dark god if you don’t want to used the curse artifact
Well... I really enjoyed it, but I don't want to read the new version.
Sure, his stats/talents are getting stronger. But it's way slower than in case of a regular shounen protagonist. So it's more than fine, especially if the are so many powerful beings out there.
So... good bye
I kinda of like Mog become powerful with Consentia and crew, even if it was bog standard and vanilla I enjoy the settling and seeing him be successful on his path of demi-god dom, but I do tend to like powerful mc, i'll still check out the tribal thingy
I love what has been written so far yet I can understand wanting to rewrite. A few thoughts/ideas you can consider or reject at your leisure.
I think your strengths in writing fall under the worldbuilding category, also good is your ability to get us intrested in a side character fairly quickly. Try to use these to your advantage, I would love to see more of the world though the view of the protaganist. A good way to make a story dark is to kill off a side character we (the readers) love and while we are reeling in shock do it again.
As for status, I personaly don't like them, but I understand people want to quantify the abilites of heroes and adventurers. (we do it with sports) A way to do this would be to be completly rid of magical status reading. Replace it with mundane tests; weight lifting(haul a weight of bricks/rocks up a tall set of stairs, multiple trips to combine strength and endurance)=strength/physique, obstacle course=agility, intelligence test (like an IQ test, test general learning, memory, and puzzle solving {brain teaser}), for magic have a stardardised test either for skill or for mana. If you make it a bit of a laborous process then it would be used to prove someones capability, if they want to join a guard group or show the gladiator in question is at a certain level, but it would only get shown to the readers 2-5 times in the whole story, maybe after finishing a training montage.
As far as willpower goes I firmly believe that ones willpower is directly related to their goals/beliefs and how hard they work towards those goals. If a character is sort of passivly accepting the direction of others in their life plans without deciding for themselves what they want, then I will have a hard time beliving they have some superstrong willpower.
as for your reason #5 for rewriting, I feel like I can relate, after all the only spot future Mog wouldn't measure up in comparison to me is my legendary humility.
some sort of millitary campain for training purposes (support/reserves/messenger boy if young) would be a great way to show off the world and the millitary training you seem to love describing.
Alright so I will go over a couple of things. Remember this is my opinion so take what you want of it. Long one.
1: lets talk about the talents/cheats. Now for most novels like this the talent/cheats is a big part of the novel. They are usually the hook that keeps the reader entertained. Its what makes the specific character stand out among the crowd.
i've said before in a comment that the mc has way too many cheats to not be an op character and I stand by that. However, I think his background makes it impossible to nerf him too much without it looking like the author is just doing it because he wants. The two things I think he should keep no matter what is his talent for warrior/rogue. His mother is a legendary orc beserker and father a legendary rogue. Even if he doesn't gain the parents talent I would say just being orc/drow would give him racial advantages for both classes. Would say to change it from beserker talent to general warrior talent instead since beserk is more a specialized field. I would say out of all of his cheats these make the most sense to keep. I think a magic/rogue build would be more interesting but thats just the classes I like to play. Nothing like an assassin/necro build.
Next cheat is his willpower. Personally I think a chaos grade willpower is his biggest cheat and should be the one most focused on. Either removed completely or changed. The only way he really needs it is to defeat the devour god but perhaps you could change it. Maybe instead of it being so general its specialized think he was born with a special mental ability that makes it so possession, charms, and illusions he is immune too. This would go against your corruption want though. Other than that though how would he defeat a devour god reasonably unless another god intervened? Now if you just remove the god completely then you can just get rid of this cheat. See bottom to see how I would give him the talent without the god.
If you take out all of it the only idea I can come up with would be if he only got a fraction of the gods power or an artifact. Perhaps he is experimented on and implanted with a "monster organ" or something that gives him the power. Or that the god seed/object did not have the gods conscious in it so he didn't have to fight a true god. This situation is probably going to be the biggest situation that would need work if changed.
Onto the god talents personally I think you should get rid of all of them but one and then make a limit. The devour talent I think is good but I think there should be a limit based on his level. Lets say that in the beginning he only can hold 5 skills for that talent. If he wants to add a new one he would have to replace one of his previous ones or wait until he levels up. Something like a limit would make it so he cannot have every skill he comes across and also make him reason what he should keep/get rid of.
2. Levels, Attributes, and game elements - No argument with getting rid of these or making them harder to see.
I personally think being able to see the talent potential of a person is to op(Fortune tellers). Any smart kingdom or noble would just be sending these high class people to orphanages/slave dens and check every single person on talent levels and then either enslave, brainwash, or bind them in a oath making them into submission to them. I would remove this completely and just make it so a person would find it easier to gain skills in certain areas. So the talent is still there they just have to figure it out themself.
Attributes just make them general with a solid letter and harder to see. Like he has to go to an ability stone or something to be able to see. That way you do not have to worry about it at every chapter or level up. You could probably do the same thing with levels. How often would a person go to these places to check if it requires a fee? They would probably only go when they have a serious upgrade or buying new equipment.
Game elements kind of just go with what is listed above. Make it so everything has to been scene through a magical item and it will remove the majority of a litrpg. Make levels less important and make things like skills and abilities the focus. For example: There isn't a difference between a level 10 and 15 mage getting there throat slit but that same difference between warriors there would be a difference. A level 15 warrior would have more health so he would take longer to bleed out. Still a stab to the neck is still a stab to the neck. Doesn't matter how much hp a person has. Just means they can last longer to find a healer.
3: Setting/story
I like the Rome/Tribal setting and in my opinion the reason why the mc wasn't struggling was in fact his slave setting. First off his master was using expensive potions on him, he was being well fed, and he was receiving training from good fighters. This is the building of a strong character and even with the political problems she faced the mc was still able to benefit greatly.
However, I don't think your change is going to be much different. He will be a gladiator pretty much. Sure in the lower ranks he won't be fed as well and won't be safe but he will still have benefits. So lets look at the benefits.
He will be save until its his time to fight. He is to die entertaining people, not because someone just stabbed him in his sleep. He will be fed enough to fight. Also as someone destined to die in the arena how much racial attacks would he face? The guards might call him names or hit him but they won't risk seriously damaging the masters property or else they might risk themselves having to pay for him.
The real kicker though is when he wins. Since he is the mc he isn't just going to die in his first fight. The more he wins the better treatment he will get. He will be taught how to fight so that he can gain more honor for his master. He will be fed better. His master might even reward him by having female slaves warm his bed. Also in ancient Rome gladiators were celebrities if they got to a certain level. He would have fame and be well known. When he eventually becomes free people will know what he is capable off. "Oh you want to go call the former arena champion a racial term? I'll tell your wife how you died."
An overall example of this can be seen in Spartacus (the tv show). When Spartacus was first bought his Dominus ' goal was to have him killed to please the other Roman(Tribune I think was his rank its been a while). However, Spartacus was winning. He was making his master money. So what did the Dominus do? He had Spartacus trained in a "flashier" fighting style. He gave spartacus woman. He no longer cared about the Tribune wanting him dead.
The fame point makes me think of the Grey Prince off of Elder Scrolls Oblivion. He was a grey skinned orc arena champion. Half orc/half vampire. When people saw him at his height of fame do you think they still did racial things to his face? Sure people might whisper behind his back but it wouldn't be upfront racism.
Looking at a real historical example though. Crassus was the richest man in Rome. Maybe one of the richest man in history. One of the ways he got money was that he bought unskilled slaves, trained them in crafts, and then sold them for a profit.
The reason why I told you these stories is going to sound crazy but I think that being a slave, for the long term, would be more beneficial to the mc than if he wasn't. I know you want him to struggle and thats why I am pointing this out. Is he struggling more living in poverty and starving on the streets, or being fed and sleeping under a roof as a slave? Is he facing racial problems more being free or enslaved? Remember the more valuable a slave he is, the less problems he would have and the more training and investment his master would put into him. Being a freeman he is completely on his own, but being a slave he has the protection and ire of his master.
4: My suggestion for plot
Make him a slave but for as little time as possible. Let me just throw out some plot points and if you like any of them take them in any way.
Mc is illegally enslaved
Mc is sold to an underground fight arena(think criminal underworld)
Mc fights and kills in some matches there(2-3) Enough to show strength but nothing special. More for killing people and moral growth.
Mc is sold to some shady people(cultist, black mages, etc.)
Mc is used in ritual/experiment (Eldritch). I'd say cultist is using strong "kids" to try to get them possessed and Black mages could be transplanting Eldritch organs into kids to see if they would survive.
Mc survives and gains cheat(Eldritch devour talent).
Imperial Templars storm place and kills cultist and mc escapes.
Now at this point in time the mc would only have his clothes on his back. He can't go to the Templars for help because they would burn him at stake because he is an "abomination." So he would have to survive the escape, hide from the imperial soldiers/templars and then start a rise of power on his own. No starting money and just the basic fighting he got from the 2-3 arena matches. He wouldn't have the protection of a master or be in a noble district so all the evil of humanity could hit him. Racism, poverty, etc.
Another thing is that this does is that it takes out the gods. If you don't want the gods to have a part of the mc's story, at least not in the beginning, then don't include them at all. Make a different reason as to why he got his cheat power.
Last thing I suggest is to make the mc older. That is the main mistake I think you made in the original. Because of his age there were certain scenes you could not write *wink wink*. Change it from 14 to 16.
Best of luck with whatever writings you do.
-Buu
ps. I will miss Consentia. I liked her and her two hand maidens. If you go with what I written above and still want to involve her you could always have her secretly hire Mog when he gets a higher level. Since he wouldn't be trying to get too famous so the templars don't check him or his abomination status doesn't become known, he would be a nice shadow mercenary for her to hire and perhaps fall for.
Oh and to add on about the killing thing. It made me think of Red Reddington quote in the black list. Quote "There will be nightmares. And every day when you wake up, it will be the first thing you think about. Until one day it will be the second thing."
First kill and such the soldiers and mc should feel it. They should emotinally react to it. But eventually with time and more killing there senses of it will go numb. They won't feel the same emotionally baggage that they would the first time. Of course this depends of the individual they killed. The soldiers would probably have a different reaction between killing an enemy soldier and killing a defenseless kid.
Rather than starting Mog with Demi-God parents and a bunch of advantages, why not start Mog as corrupted where his goal is to work towards self determination of his own fate. Something like the orc quest in war craft 3 where a certain subsection of orcs experimented with the blood of a corrupted orc dark God.
I'd like to see a transition from the early days where strength matters to am older version of Mog where he navigates the intricacies of empire politics with charisma and presence.
Please stop handing Mog favorable plot developments without any build up as it undercuts what would be actually earned moments of pride and accomplishment.
In fact that's what Mog as a character has been missing from day 1 he hasn't earned anything remotely that he could feel proud of. The latest chapter he said a few words and undid a conspiracy that was in the works for years.
The goddess of fate and prophecy in general should not be a thing. I mean how could fate be a minor God? At least downgrade it to proberbility.
If you want to keep some aspect of assimilation then you could mix the concept with alchemy where you could gain skills and traits by consuming experimental potions.
Let me know if this helps
I hope you improve worldbuilding and character development as well, i feel its the weak points of the story. Good luck.
Why not go full hog and make Mog a evil character, go around raping killing and eating just because he feels like it.
Nah... That would be kinda bad tbh.
I do plan on making him a neutral/evil character