James had agreed to go clothes shopping with his mother, but only if she took him somewhere outside of town. The drive was long and quiet. It wasn't until they were about halfway to the next town over that she tried to talk to him.
"You know I always wanted a little girl?" she thought out loud. "Don't get me wrong, whatever weird thing happened to you I wish it didn't, but I have always wanted a daughter to talk with and teach about womanhood."
It was weird to hear that coming from her. She'd never really mentioned this, maybe it was because right now she thought she had a daughter. He wanted to tell her he was still her son. Not her daughter. But he also needed to hear what she wanted to say.
"It's a little late, I guess, but now I do have my own little girl!" she said; a hint of excitement slipped into her voice. "This is going to be hard, but you will be a beautiful young woman, I promise."
He didn't want to be that, though. He would rather die than be a beautiful woman. He had nothing against women. A lot of them were hot; a lot of them were cool, but he just wasn't one of them. He wasn't a woman. He could barely talk to them. The only girl he could talk to was Katie, and that was only because they'd grown up together. He remembered when he had first looked into the mirror at Nick's house. His face was cute and his body had become girlier. He could possibly look like a young woman or whatever his mum wanted, but he would still be a guy at heart. He needed to stay as a guy as long as possible.
"Mum, I know you want me to be a girl, but I need to look like a guy a little longer, maybe a week or two. I don't think people would understand if I suddenly disappeared," he was pleading. He wanted to feel like himself a little longer and then he would pretend to be a girl for the rest of his life.
"I understand, sweetie. I'll be by your side every step of this process, okay?" She might have treated him like he was a monster this morning, but she was still his mother.
"After we go shopping, I'll go to your school and tell them about the changes that have happened; they should be able to organise something by next week." It was weird and terrifying to hear that, in a week, he would be living as a girl. How was he gonna tell Lachlan and Ben? How would they react? Would they be kind, like Nick and Katie were?
His train of thought was once again halted by his mother.
"Have you thought of a name yet?"
He hadn't. He didn't want to think about changing it. It was his. It wasn't something he could just change.
"No," he said, but he knew he needed to find something.
He began to think of something on the spot. Jane was the obvious choice; it wasn't too much of a change. He thought it would be best to keep something comfortable. It would be temporary, he liked to think; he'd be back to being James in no time. He had to keep hoping he would become a guy again.
"You should think about it; when I was pregnant with you, I had a dozen names picked out for you. I remember one was Janelle. Can you imagine that?"
She talked for the entire car ride. She told him how she had always wanted to go shopping with her daughter. How she wanted to dress her up in the cutest clothes she could find, and how it was going to be good for James to learn about all these girly things. His mother's happiness was important to him, but he couldn't stomach wearing girl's clothes. It made him feel sick. The feeling of wrongness, what Katie had called dysphoria, had been building since he became like this; it felt like it would swallow him whole if he wore girl's clothes. His body felt alien. He felt trapped in a body that was simultaneously his and not his. He wanted to get home and hide again.
Upon arrival at the outlet, he was told about the first item he was going to get: a proper bra. He didn't know why he couldn't continue wearing what he was already wearing.
"You can't wear that sports bra all the time, it doesn't even look like it's the right size," she had said in response to his protests. He guessed she was right. Maybe bras weren't meant to make it hard to breathe.
James had looked outside of underwear stores like the one they were going to before. As a straight dude, he couldn't help but stare at the pictures of pretty ladies they used to sell their products. He'd never thought he'd be having to wear something similar to what they wore. As they approached the store, he saw one of those models and couldn't help but stare at her chest. "Thank god," he thought to himself. "I'm still straight."
His mum dragged him away from his ogling and approached the counter.
"Hello, my daughter needs to get a bra that fits her."
He understood that saying 'my son needs to get his bra fitted' might be weird, but she'd changed over so naturally; hearing that his body was female was all she needed to hear to accept everything. She hadn't slipped up since she found out.
"She hasn't ever had one fitted. She was a bit of a late bloomer," she lied; she was a much better liar than he was.
"Okay, right this way," the lady behind the register said, as she led them through to the changing rooms. James' mother nudged him to follow the lady. She asked him to come into the fitting room with her and he quietly obeyed.
It was less terrifying than it sounded, he thought. The lady measured around his chest and then began to measure under his chest. He realized that since he had gotten the fleshy sacks on his chest, the only person who had come this close to them was him. He felt a bit embarrassed. How did he go from being a normal guy to being trapped in a girl's body?
"Don't be embarrassed, we're both women here," said the fitter. "There is no need to feel embarrassed."
"Uhh, yeah." He wasn't exactly sure how to say "I'm not a girl" without it being weird, so he kept his mouth shut and waited for the experience to end.
She finished taking the measurements and left to get a bra for him to try on. He dreaded her coming back. He knew he wouldn't be able to put it on without help. He was going to have to ask his mum to help him put it on. His mum poked her head in.
"How is it going?"
"Well, apparently I'm around a 36B, so that's neat even though I have no idea what it means," he said, trying to hide how uncomfortable he was what had just happened.
"Don't worry too much about it. The lady should be able to help you with that."
The fitting lady, whose name tag said 'Irene,' returned with two bras that were possibly his size. He needed to try them on to see if they would fit. He had known this was going to get more embarrassing. Irene told him to try them on while she and his mother waited outside. Strapping his chest into the bra proved to be a challenge; he couldn't reach the straps. Apparently, his transformation hadn't made him any more flexible. He awkwardly asked his mum for help.
She'd almost cried when she had first seen his chest. Then it was out of shock and fear. This time was worse. She looked proud. She turned his body toward the mirror he had been avoiding. "Look at you," she said. "My beautiful daughter."
He did resemble his mother; he always had. The transformation had only changed that resemblance because he now looked like a girl. He looked like his mum, if she'd gone through an emo phase as a teenager. He hated it. He resembled her enough as a guy. That resemblance was something he was proud of, but now it was a reminder of that terrible body.
Irene led James and his mother over to where they could find bras in a similar size, but different styles. All the words on the bras made no sense to him. He wanted something that would just hold them in place. Nothing more.
"So what type do you want Jame--Jamie?" Of course, the first time she had screwed it up was in front of a stranger. He just wanted this to be over. He reached for the nearest one in the size he was told; it looked plain, perfect. He wasn't going to dress in something lacy or pretty. Why wear something like that if he was never going to show anyone this body?
"You also need other underwear," his mum said. She pointed over to where the panties were and began trying to drag him over there.
He thought about how much of a relief it would be if he was killed in a freak accident right now. Keeping the abominations on his chest from moving uncomfortably was one thing, but his underwear still fit. He was not going to wear girls underwear as long as he could wear his old pairs.
He faked a smile as best as he could.
"It's okay, Mum, I have underwear at home," he said, trying not to let discomfort seep into his voice.
"Okay, sweetie, we'll come back another day." She had seen straight through his phony smile. She had to be able to tell that he hated this, or at least that he was uncomfortable? She could always tell what he was feeling, sometimes before he did. She gave him a look that he translated as "You have to face it eventually." Too bad for her. He would never wear those. He hoped they would leave after getting a bra, so he didn't have to endure any more torture.
He thanked Irene meekly before asking if he could change into the bra while he was there. As much as he hated to admit it, his mum was right. His bra hadn't fit him and it was a relief to have a bra that didn't cause as much pain. He left the store and waited for his mum outside. Despite it feeling more comfortable, he didn't like how the bra allowed his chest to be seen; the sports bra was probably the best option for next week. His mum came out with another bag. He wasn't interested in finding out what was in it. He just wanted to get out of there.
The shopping trip wasn't over, though. He was dragged through as many clothes stores as his mother could find. It was clear that she had no idea about current fashions; he didn't know much either to be fair, but he at least knew other teenagers. He knew some of what not to do.
She turned to him and began looking at his body. It was like when she had scanned his body after she'd found his bra.
"You're going to need a dress, or maybe a skirt. If you show up in your old clothes, people are going to be confused and won't believe you. You would look too much like a boy."
"I don't want to believe me," he thought. He wondered why looking like a guy was a bad thing. Maybe it was just how his mum thought a girl should act, though she never seemed to have a problem with tomboys.
"Why can't I look like a boy?" he asked. His mum had to have a reason.
"If you go to school looking like a boy, it will be a lot harder on both of us. If people connect you to who you were, it will make things a lot harder. They will treat you like a freak, and I will be the one who raised that freak. You can be a tomboy when everyone knows you as a girl," she said as she began pulling dresses off the racks.
Everything she tried to make him wear felt wrong. He had been told over and over throughout his childhood that Katie wearing girls' clothes was wrong. A guy wearing girls' clothes was wrong. That coupled with the dysphoria made him feel guilty and sick. The worst part was the clothes looked fine on him. They accentuated his small curves and showed off his legs. He hated everything about it. He hated these clothes.
"I'm not leaving without you having something new to wear next week," she said sternly. He had to pick something. At that point, the list of everything he had tried on was a mile long; all sorts of dresses, skirts and blouses. He knew he had to pick one maybe two pieces of clothing to wear and then he might be able to leave, but there were too many options and none of them he liked.
He looked at the most recent thing he'd tried on, a blue and white striped dress. It was comfortable and didn't show off too much of this body he was stuck in, and it also had pockets, which he had come to learn was quite rare. Most importantly though, it looked like something a normal girl would wear. Something his mother would approve of. He gave it to her.
"This one is okay," he said. He just had to bear through it a little longer.
She gave him a smile. An "I'm proud of you" smile. Why wouldn't she just let him be a guy? Why was she determined not to let him be who he was? Why did he have to be a girl, because some bibbity bobbity bullshit changing his junk?
He had never been so happy to be in the men's section of a store before. His mum had finally left him alone for a little, as she went to look for a couple of things she thought were essentials. He'd decided to go look at the clothes he actually wanted. He picked up an extra-large hoodie with an awful print from one of his adult cartoons; now this is what he wanted to wear. Something large that could hide his body. He brought it with him; if anything could make him look like a guy again it was something like this.
Next, he went to get some new jeans. His older pairs fit weirdly on him now; they used to fit snugly, but now his hips felt like they were being squeezed whenever he wore them. He figured the next size up from what he was wearing should be good, or maybe something stretchy. As long as it didn't fit too tightly. Trying on the next size up proved futile as soon as he pulled them up. They were way too loose everywhere else and too long. That size was off the cards. Stretchy seemed to be the way to go. He found a pair that fit and returned to his mother.
"Put the men's jeans back, we'll get you some from the girl's section."
He was confused. He didn't see the difference between the two.
"Why?"
"Because you're a girl," she replied frankly.
"No, I'm not!"
"Your biology says differently, sweetie." The way she had started using sweetie was beginning to piss him off. What had happened to her using kiddo?
"You didn't even know that until this morning!" he said, raising his voice.
"We are getting them from the girl's section and that's final." How was she so calm about this? That wrongness, that dysphoria that had been building throughout the day turned into anger. He hated this. He hated everything. His eyes began to water and his mouth began trembling. He could tell that the dam holding back his tears since this morning was about to break.
"I'm going to the car," his voice was cracking. "Get me this as well."
She gave him the keys, her face was that of a parent whose kid was having a tantrum over not getting the sweets he wanted. He hated it. This wasn't a tantrum. This wasn't childish. This was his life being irreparably fucked and she was treating him like a child.
Why did this happen to him? Why wouldn't she just let him be himself?
The air stung his face as he ran from the building. He hadn't expected his tears to flow this much. He expected his mother to fight this. Maybe hate him. He didn't expect this. He knew he might have had to change. That he might have to live as a girl, but he didn't think it would be his mum forcing him to do it.
His mum could obviously see he had been crying. Yet she did nothing, said nothing. He felt as if he didn't matter. His mum only cared about some imaginary daughter. One she had made up in her head after the doctor told her everything and right now his only purpose, in her eyes, was becoming that daughter. He guessed he would become that girl because that was what she wanted.
The car ride home was mercifully quiet. She didn't talk about how she wanted a daughter. She just let him sulk quietly. When they arrived home he went to his room and decided he wouldn't leave his room until it was time for school the next day. He had left his phone at home in the rush to the doctors that morning. He couldn't even tell Katie or Nick what had happened.
He had a couple of messages from Katie and Nick. It was nice that some people seemed to care about him. About James. They seemed worried and he had to admit it felt good having friends that actually seemed to care about him. He didn't have the energy to explain what had happened twice and there was so much to explain that he didn't know where to begin. He hadn't even told Katie about what had happened with Nick yet. He made a group chat and added both of them to it and sent what he figured should come first.
James: Mum found out
Want a small spoiler for the next chapter? It's one of my favourites.
Things get a lot better and fluffier.
f*ck her
I wish people could change genders in their head this quickly for people who actually want it, but here she is Misgendering him immediately with what the doctor said
thanks for the chapter
if you wanted a more realistic story I could easily see his mother driving him to suicide (a very depressing story but realistic nonetheless)
would personally not recommend going down that route at least all the way (it might be interesting going a little bit down it so people can get a better feel of the problems of being in the wrong body when your parents try to force you to accept the body they want you in)
I already have a route im going down. That idea would be painful and more suited for a horror story. Theres a manga called Transjitter that has nudity but shows serious self harm in response to dyphoria.
Thing is thiugh. I dont want to write being trans as an awful thing. Because as a trans person I cant see it like that. Dysphoria sucks but its not a death sentence.
@DetectiveRed
it was not really the Dysphoria that I was referring to I was more concerned about his mother forcing him to look and act like a girl when he is a guy that could eventually be the breaking point (and I highly doubt Dysphoria by itself ever cause many deaths but it is that with your parents rejecting you along with your friend group along with bullying that could and has lead to suicide)
it is a horrible experience being in the wrong body but at least nowadays you can make it better with the hope that you can get enough money to change that but sometimes a wrong body combined with shitty people can pile on to the point you just do not see the point anymore and end it
so I guess "realistic" would not be the completely correct since I doubt the world is as horrible as I make it out to be (I prefer to think the worst and be happily surprised when people are better than I gave them credit for)
so Dysphoria is bad but unless you have an extremely bad case I doubt you would kill yourself without adding other stuff into the mix
Edit: now that I think about it people have committed suicide just from bullying alone so that might be the main cause
Edit2: there have been a few cases where the bullying of someone has actually led to beating people to death so that is also a depressing thing to think about
@dinoandrew12 even then its just a really depressing concept. One that i probably would have written when i was younget and hurting more. I think James deserves a happy end. Even if the adventure is painful
@DetectiveRed I was just thinking about the parallels this had with Transjitter. As a parent myself, the mom was pissing me off before she found out. Now I want to shake her.
@miclowgunman She should be shaken please do that.