DetectiveRed

BIG CHAPTER. BIG THINGS HAPPEN. Then the next chapter more big things happen. A lot of big things, let me know what you think about the big things happening. Also sorry this is late, I have been leaving the house a lot and that's been a big distraction. I'll try do better.

James didn't know what she meant. He'd just finished explaining that he didn't know why he was unable to go back to being how he was. It had to be something to do with this body making him more emotional or sappy, or something. That was the only thing that had changed that could explain why he couldn't be like his old self, and why Ben had noticed the changes.

"When did you stop hating me?" she repeated.

"Did I ever hate you?" It was dumb, after all, he'd done to her. He wasn't sure if he had ever really hated her.

"You made me cry on multiple occasions and laughed about it with your friends." He'd seen glimpses of her no-bullshit attitude on the weekend, but today she was ruthless. She'd become a much stronger person since she'd transitioned. The timid boy he'd grown up with had become a strong young lady, while James had become a pathetic mess.

He didn't know why he used to enjoy hurting her. Was it testosterone or something that made him angry? Was what he had felt towards her hate or something else?  All he knew was that he didn't want to hurt her anymore. He hadn't thought about it.

"Think about it, James. When did you stop wanting to hurt me?"

"After this started?" It had to be his body, right? What other explanation could there be for such a quick change in his thoughts and behaviour?

"Okay, you aren't going to get there on your own." He was offended, but she was probably right. She was hinting at something. He just had no clue what it was. "Did it stop after the transformation or after we were hanging out, as friends?"

"Oh." The ideas were starting to fall into place.

"James, we became friends again. Is it possible you were angry at me for cutting you off?"

The things he had thought that weekend came back to him. The reason he'd called her K. Why he'd stopped being able to see her as a guy. Everything. Every stupid thought that went through his head and his final realisation at lunch. 

"I thought you replaced my best friend," he said. It was dumb; he'd realised it was dumb that weekend and then decided to try and forget about it.

"What?"

"You stopped talking to me, started saying you were a girl and went by a different name." God, it sounded so stupid saying it out loud. "So I thought I'd lost my best friend. I wanted him back." He looked at her, unsure of what that meant, or how it related to him being a girl. "Then it was like nothing had happened. We watched terrible kids shows and laughed and it was great."

"You hated me because you thought I was a different person. Then I wasn't and you stopped hating me. Does that sound like it was directly caused by your body changing?"

"No," he whispered. "I'm sorry."

"What are you apologising for?" There was a lot he needed to apologise for. Being an irredeemable prick for the last couple of months, trying to hurt her that morning, making her listen to his bullshit, and being so clueless about everything. One at a time, he thought. Maybe it was best to apologise for something he could immediately change.

"For this morning."

"James, I made it pretty clear you weren't very convincing,"

"Still."

"Let's just finish our conversation then you can apologise all you want, okay?" She seemed concerned about something else. He wanted to apologise, but she'd brushed him off, and that made him a little bit mad. It was kind of nice to feel mad after everything had been either numb or crying the last couple of days. "So why else are you thinking your feelings are changing?"

"I've been crying a lot. I never used to cry."

"Dude, your entire world has been flipped upside down! Crying is a reasonable reaction," she said matter-of-factly. "I've mentioned that what you've been feeling is probably dysphoria, and unlike most trans people, you got it sprung on you all at once; most of us have years to get used to the feelings you suddenly woke up with."

It was undeniable that what he had been experiencing was gender dysphoria. He'd accidentally fallen down a rabbit hole of research over the last two days while trying to figure out how to act like a girl. The lessons his mum was giving him after school would be enough to get by, but she had been right when she said people need to believe him. Especially people like Ben and Lachie. Turns out a lot of people looking these things up were trans women. He wound up on a couple trans forums, saw some stories about trans guys and how they felt and it was uncanny how some of their stories mirrored what he felt about his own body. Unlike those guys, though, he couldn't transition. He just had to hope his dysphoria was temporary.

"Maybe, but I've never been one to cry; even when I lost you I didn't cry."

"You used to cry sometimes when you were little," she teased.

"That was different! I was a kid! You're allowed to cry when you're a kid."

"You're allowed to cry as a teenager as well!"

"Not as a guy you can't. You wouldn't understand, Katie." Guys didn't cry. A girl like her couldn't understand that.

"Dude, did you just forget?"

"Forget what?"

She dropped her voice; it was still undeniably hers like it had been months ago. "About this." Her voice returned to its normal prettiness. "I was raised as one too. Your mum tried to tell me boys don't cry as well. Do you not remember?" He'd completely forgotten she was trans for a couple of minutes. He'd forgotten that they had been raised with some similarities.

"Your Mums, though..."

"They told me it was okay; didn't mean I struggled any less with being able to cry." It was weird to hear her saying things that sounded so relatable when he'd always assumed she was so different. "Instead of crying, you got mad at me; at least that's what I'm guessing. Basically what I'm saying is it's okay to cry and it doesn't make you less of a guy."

"Then why did I only start crying after getting this body?" A lot of what she was saying made sense. Though a lot of it sounded like SJW bullshit that he used to mock. Crying was weak, his mum had taught him that.

"Let's see, your body suddenly changed. You got a massive influx of hormones that can change your mood and can make you cry, and I'm pretty sure you only started crying when I showed up. That's a lot of emotions going on at once, and while they won't change your identity or who you are as a person, hormones can make you cry."

He was relieved to have someone finally explain some of this stuff to him. After being thrown into this, he'd been so clueless, and Katie was once again saving him. Something was freeing about knowing his body wouldn't change his brain. He wanted to cry, he was so relieved. There were still questions that needed answering.

The bell for class rang, but he wasn't up to going to class yet. Something told him Katie wasn't done talking to him either.

"Should we go to class?" he asked, despite knowing the answer.

"I'm not going to class until we talk about Nick," she said. How could he have forgotten about Nick? The guy who had been almost constantly on his mind the last couple of days and the guy that he couldn't bear to face.

"Then let's go somewhere else, where the teachers won't tell us to go back to class."

Melody's tree, the last place he'd been able to talk to Nick and where he'd decided that he needed to avoid him if he valued his sexuality. That hug, being in his arms, just thinking about it made him want to go back to that time and get closer to him. Something he wouldn't let happen. The tree still had that calming aura around it. One that made those memories stop hurting as much.

"What I said earlier still stands, James." Her tone had become more stern, similar to the one she had used earlier. "I didn't think you would just ditch someone when it became inconvenient for you." He'd hoped Nick would just get sick of him and leave their group. He'd hoped that Nick would find some friends that deserved him, and he'd hoped that Nick would stop caring about him.

"I don't deserve him," he said softly. It was the truth or at least part of it.

"You're right, you don't."

"Thanks." He meant it as well, he wanted someone to confirm that he'd made the right decision.

"That doesn't change the fact that he's your friend, though. Someone that cares about you. I'm used to being targeted by you, I could stomach it when you started your little charade, but Nick just thought you suddenly hated him."

"What? No!"

"How was he meant to interpret it? He's not a mind reader. What was your plan anyway?" He knew his plan. It was so simple. Stop himself from falling for a guy. Nick made that hard, so he tried to distance himself. Tried to stop himself from thinking about the sweet guy who had been treating him so tenderly.

"I can't say." There was no way he would admit any of that to Katie.

"Look, if you don't spill the beans I'm going to guess." There was no way she could know. He'd said the dreams he'd been having were nightmares. He hadn't told Katie anything aside from that.

"Go ahead."

"You like him, don't you?"

Alarm bells started ringing in his head. How could she have found out? He'd been so careful. The one thing he thought he could keep hidden. The one piece of definitive proof that his brain was changing.

"What, no!" he tried to protest, and as always it came out thoroughly unconvincing.

"There's no shame in it, James." But there was a shame. A lot of it. If he liked a guy, then his brain had changed. Therefore, he had to deny it. At least until he started pretending to be a girl. There was no shame in liking a guy if people thought he was a girl. Maybe it could help him be a girl eventually, but while he was still trying to be himself, he couldn't risk it.

"I don't like him."

"James, remember when you liked Stella in sixth grade and everyone knew and you'd try to deny it and fail every time? That's how you sound right now."

"Katie, please, I can't like a guy." He was pleading to her to stop asking. To stop the conversation. He didn't want to confront these feelings.

"It sounds like you already do." He wanted to slap her. She needed to shut up.

"Please, just let this go,"

"Not until you tell me why you were treating Nick that way." How was he meant to when she would see through whatever lie he told?

"He was treating me like a girl!" he exclaimed. Finally, a partially true statement. The sweet comforting way Nick treated him made him feel safe and secure. It made him feel like a girl, and the worst thing was he liked it.

"Doesn't sound like it from what I've heard. It sounded more like he was worried about you and wanted to help. Besides if that's all there was to it, you would be a lot madder right now."

"How do you know?" She was so frustratingly right.

"Because I know you, and also those dreams you told me about. You wouldn't have been so embarrassed if you thought they were just nightmares." Was there any point in hiding it from her? "Besides, he was trying to help you before he found out, right?"

"That's even worse! It means he subconsciously saw me as a girl and wanted to protect me!" Every word coming out of his mouth sounded like a girl's. To anyone watching it would look like two girls talking about boys. This was the last thing he wanted. Was there any point in trying to act like a guy anymore? Maybe it was best to rip the band-aid off and try being a girl publicly, instead of just trying to get used to it at home.

"Which is more likely? Nick somehow knew you were a girl and started trying to take care of you, or Nick saw his friend was struggling and wanted to help." Rhetorical questioning. Why did she always make him question himself?

"The latter, but that's worse! That means I just randomly fell for a cute guy who was just trying to help his bro out. I feel so fucking gay." He'd started crying; she'd done so much work trying to convince him that he hadn't changed and now the change was undeniable. "I liked girls, I know I liked girls, I had dreams about you for crying out loud, and when Mum took me shopping I ogled an underwear model. But now I keep thinking about Nick."

"So are you saying that you don't find a cute girl like me attractive?" she teased. When did she become so confident? And why was she using it to mock him? How was he even meant to respond? How was he meant to stop blushing?

"I, uh, fuck, Katie, please don't make this any harder," he sobbed.

"You are ridiculously dense, James."

"What?"

"James, it's not for me to dictate your identity, but are you sure you're not bi?"

There was a couple of seconds of silence as what she had just said began to sink in. It was hard to deny he found Katie incredibly cute. His dreams with her involved were weird because they'd been friends for so long, not because he didn't find her attractive. Nick was also incredibly cute, his tanned skin and those warm brown eyes, the hugs he gave, all of it just made him feel things he didn't want to feel. He hadn't lost his attraction to women, he'd just gained an attraction to men. That wasn't much better.

"So becoming a girl made me bi? How is that better? I'm still crushing on a guy, Katie. Do you wanna know what I thought on Thursday?" He was frustrated, and she wasn't helping too much.

"What did you think, James?"

"I thought it wouldn't be so bad if I had him as a boyfriend." She was smiling while he was still struggling to keep his tears under control. "So can you please take this seriously?" he pleaded.

"Okay, I want you to think back to how you thought of Nick two weeks ago."

James remembered when Nick started playing his new MOBA; he remembered thinking it was kind of cute how he rambled. The way he would lose track of his sentences and start over. It was cute. He was cute. James had always thought he was cute.

"I thought he was cute but I didn't want to date him!"

"I mean that week you spent a lot of time together. He kept you company, right? Isn't it possible you started liking him properly because of that?" Everything she said made sense. Too much sense. "Plus you liked me when we were younger."

"What?"

"Oh, come on James. You think I didn't notice your 'if only you were a girl' stuff?" Why did she keep calling him out?

"You are a girl, Katie!"

"You didn't know that." Why was she right? Why was she consistently right? "Anyway, you need to talk to Nick."

"What should I even say?" He'd fucked up so consistently over the last couple of days. Was he meant to just tell him everything?

"Tell him you were worried about your brain being girlified, so you didn't want anyone you liked being around to see you like that, I don't know. You're the one that made the mistake. If you're feeling brave, you could be honest. Straight up tell him you are falling for him and that scares you with everything else going on." That didn't sound like the worst idea. Even if it was scary, he wanted Nick as a friend no matter what and he had a feeling that if he didn't tell him everything, Nick might leave.

"So are we sure my brain isn't becoming a girl?"

"James, you are the same idiot I've known for ten years." Playful insults coming from her felt different from when they came from Ben; she was coming from a place of endearment and considering she had just quelled his biggest fears, it was obvious she still cared.

"Then I'm going to cut this week short."

"What?" She looked shocked at his declaration.

"If my brain isn't going to change, then I don't have to worry about me becoming a different person."

"James, you have a day left, you can still turn up as a guy tomorrow." This wasn't what he wanted to do. It was the most terrifying thing imaginable. Yet, it seemed like the logical thing. If there was nothing to wait for, no identity being changed, nothing to make it easier, then he'd just suck it up. Tomorrow he'd come to school in drag and that would be that. 

"Katie, it's probably better if I stop hiding. Mum's been organising everything all this week. I shouldn't put it off. It will give everyone time to process over the weekend."

"Then I'll be here when you need me," she said. It was easy to believe her.

They went their separate ways. James went to the office and called his mum, while Katie went to class. There was no reason to put it off any longer. Not when his current feelings weren't going to change. He was going to be a girl and hate it, but at least he'd hopefully have some people who cared about him by his side. While he waited for the receptionist to call his mum, he began typing up his message to Nick. There was no way, to be honest without telling him everything.

Jamie: Hey, Nick. I'm sorry about the last two days. I'm not sure how to explain why I did it without telling you everything, so I'm sorry. Tuesday was one of the most stressful mornings of my life, and when you hugged me, I realized maybe I was okay with having a boyfriend if it was you. Then I freaked out, I couldn't stop thinking about that and thought I was turning more into a girl than I already am. I know this is a lot to spring on you. I know it must have seemed like I hated you and I'm sorry. Katie talked some sense into me."

There was a lot of him that wanted to cry then, not just because he was about to tell Nick that he liked him, but because things were going to get more real tomorrow. He had to hope that Nick still wanted something to do with him.

Jamie: I'm telling Ben and Lachie tonight, and tomorrow I'll be in drag. Yay. If you want to talk after school, please do. I made this decision pretty quickly. Having a couple of regrets. Also, note the name change. Talk to you later. I'm sorry.

DetectiveRed

TA DA!!! James actually realising things! Congratulations, James on realising you are not Hetty spaghetti and are instead bi and ready to cry.