I hesitated briefly. There were other people in this server. Only two, but two more people were more than enough to see through my facade. But I couldn't just not do it. There was no reasonable explanation I could provide Maddie for not joining the server. Besides, something about the idea of more people thinking of me as Grace, as a girl, it excited me. Maybe it was a good idea to expand the prank a little further. Ok, here goes. Taking the plunge.

→ Welcome grlpwerd. Say hi!

I looked around the server. Gotta get acquainted with my new base of operations. There were three text channels, #general, #memes, and #voice-chat, and one voice channel, titled "chat". Not too dissimilar to what I was used to. On the right-hand side was the member list, consisting of my own name and icon, alongside Maddie's, and two unknowns. The icons appeared to be a matching set, anime girls of some stripe far beyond my recognition, both in front of a sunset lesbian flag. And yes, I knew what the lesbian flag looked like. I'd looked it up. Their owners were Bridget, who Maddie had been playing with when we met, and someone who could only be the girlfriend Maddie mentioned Bridget having, whose name I now discovered was May. Huh. Funny coincidence, that. Luckily, they were still offline, so I wouldn't have to contend with them just yet. My analysis was cut short by receiving a notification.

Maddie:

@everyone This is Grace please be nice to her!

I realised that everyone else in the server had their nickname set to their first name, and hurriedly followed suit. There was a chance, however slight, that one of these girls knew me and might recognise my username.

bridget:

you dont need to @/everyone lol
but hey grace! were busy tonight but id love to jam some games sometime
maddie wont stop talking about you lol
may says hi btw

Maddie:

rude!

Wait. What was that Bridget said? Maddie was talking about me? When? What was she saying? Was it good? I hope she was saying nice things about me. Did she like me? Well, like Grace I suppose. She didn't know me at all. And if she did, she definitely wouldn't like me for who I was, because of the whole 'probably gay' thing.

I let out a resigned sigh. Things sure would be easier if I was a girl. I felt deeply guilty at the fact I was still pretending. I knew it was wrong, but I couldn't bring myself to stop. Hang on a second. What was that? I rewound my thoughts a little. Was that thought real? Was it... allowed? I repeated it in my mind. Things would be easier if I was a girl. I spun the thought around in my head. Things would be better if I was a girl. I rotated it, swapped some pieces around. Being a girl would be nice. I shook it slightly, stretched the edges a little. I wished I could be a girl.

Huh. That was new. I guess it made sense, all things considered. It wasn't like I liked being a boy. The name, the dimensions, the scent, the inescapable march of hair growing all over my body and face. It always felt off in a way I could never really describe. I guess I could now. I wished I could be a girl. Girls were always so much better. Everything about them was so wonderful. There were so many different ways to be a girl, and all of them were wonderful. I wished I could be a girl. I whispered it to myself out loud, a prayer. As if something would be listening, as if something would grant my wish. I wished I could be a girl.

Not that wishing it did me any good. Impossible daydreams like that were pointless at best, dangerous at worst. And something deeply ingrained in me said this was one of the dangerous ones. Whatever I was, it was wrong. Something inside me was fundamentally, uniquely broken. Boys didn't want to be girls. They just didn't.

I felt isolated in a way I'd never felt before, not just separate or unwanted but different. An impossible distance spread between me and the rest of humanity. Worse than different, I was unlike. I couldn't ever tell anyone. I knew, almost by instinct, that it was shameful. To want this. I had to hide it, bury it deep beneath myself. Nobody could ever know. Nobody would ever know. Except me. The seal on this pithos had been cracked, and out of it had flown evils for which I had no name. Did that make me Pandora?

Maddie:

Grace???
Grace? You there?

grace:

oh! sorry! got lost in my own thoughts lol
its nice to meet you too bridget!!!!

Maddie:

don't worry if she doesn't respond!
she's gone back offline already
do you wanna hop in vc?
you don't have to talk obvs!

My brain was full of static fog, so I obliged, more out of inertia than anything else. "Hi Grace!!!!!!! I know we've already been messaging for a bit, but it's different to, like, actually be talking, y'know?" Maddie's voice was like a power-washer to my psyche. "Anyway, how are you doing? It's okay if you aren't doing well right now, and it's okay if you don't want to talk about it!"

I hastily switched my channel to #voice-chat and began typing a reply. While I did so, I thought on what would actually be appropriate to reveal. Knowing how dense Maddie was, I could probably say pretty much anything and she would be none the wiser. I didn't exactly feel like testing my luck, though, so I should really be careful. I would have to say I was pretty shaken from last night, she had already deduced that much on her own after all. Could I explain why? No, and tabbing back into the game client I realised I didn't need to, seeing as how she'd come up with her own interpretation of the situation that required no explanation on my part. So I guess I could just say something along the lines of 'still just feeling kinda shitty after-'

grace:

i just really wish i was a girl

How. Did. This. Keep. Happening. I wasn't prone to belief in the supernatural, but my hands' ability to act on their own defied rational explanation. Sure, I could worm my way out of it, master prankster that I am. Find a spin to put on it that'll keep Maddie thinking I'm a girl, but I had literally just promised myself I would never tell anyone that.

"Grace, don't talk like that." Maddie's voice was sterner than usual, almost scolding me. "You are a girl, and that's that. I won't have anyone badmouthing my friends, got it?" She thought we were friends?

grace:

yes ma'am
whatever you say o7

As much as I wanted to blame my apparent prestidigitation for that one, It was typed entirely consciously. My efforts were rewarded with a soft giggle from Maddie. Gosh, it was such a cute sound. "Ok, ok, as much as I'd like to sit here flirting all evening, we really ought to play the game. You ready to play?"

I instantly flushed what I can only imagine must have been bright red. Did she say we were... flirting? Before I could come up with what I'm sure would have been an extremely dignified response that did not involve key-smashing, I got an in-game group invite.

After a warm-up game, we jumped into some competitive matches. Luckily, we didn't run into any night-ruining assholes this time. It was a little awkward hopping back into Kaos whenever I wanted to talk to Maddie, but after I'd gotten into the swing of things it became easier. We were doing pretty well as a duo, at least in my humble opinion, but the annoying thing about team-based competitive games is sometimes you get matched up with a team who sucks. Or the opponent's team has a pro player on an alt account. Or maybe I'm just making excuses. Either way, we ended up losing three out of the four competitive matches we played, but I didn't really mind. I was playing with Maddie, she was calling me Grace, we were supporting each other, she was telling me I was a good girl, I was key-smashing in response. We had a nice little rhythm going. While Maddie was temporarily AFK to grab a snack, though, I received a ping in another server.

RhinoHearts Big Dinkler:

@grlpwerd @grlpwerd @grlpwerd @grlpwerd
@grlpwerd @grlpwerd @grlpwerd @grlpwerd
spot opened up
u playin
@grlpwerd

I clicked the profile, and wasn't surprised to see that it was Ted.

grlpwerd:

first off what the fuck is that nickname
what even is a dinkler
actually nevermind i dont wanna know
but anyway im busy rn

RhinoHearts Big Dinkler:

@grlpwerd @grlpwerd @grlpwerd @grlpwerd
we can see ur just on the title screen
u cannot lie to us

grlpwerd:

you can also see im already in a team
just waiting for my teammate to get back before queueing

RhinoHearts Big Dinkler:

@grlpwerd @grlpwerd @grlpwerd @grlpwerd
is it ur boyfriend again

I Suck Toes:

oh shit dude i didnt know you were gay
congrats for real bro
happy 4 u

grlpwerd:

im not
teds just being an ass
also jaiden that is a horrendous nickname
im gone for one day and this is what youve resorted to

sheepies_:

ted thats kind of a shitty thing to tease someone for
what if he really was gay?
that kind of teasing would make him feel unsafe around us

grlpwerd:

thank you julian
im not though, just for the record

RhinoHearts Big Dinkler:

god. sorry
it was just a joke
dont get so offended

I Blow Toes:

is this better
also yeah we need you to keep us in line dude
youre like the group mom

RhinoHearts Big Dinkler:

now whos being homophobic
calling a man a woman to demena him
@grlpwerd i got ur back

Ahahah. I had to get out of this conversation. It was going in a direction I very much did not want to witness.

grlpwerd:

ok
like i said im busy
ttyal

I received a chorus of byes, most of which frustratingly included my name. I sat alone with my thoughts on the title screen for a minute. It was really nice, pretending to be Grace. And having to go back to being myself after that was exhausting, and it made me feel gross. I wish I could just pretend to be Grace all the time. Or even better, just be her. Curse you, inflexible human genetics! If only I was a clownfish. They began life as males, then turned into females when they got old enough. Which was a normal piece of information to retain about clownfish. A fun piece of trivia. Haha.

A sound of headphones being hurried picked up and placed upon a head. "Hi! I'm back, sorry I took so long! Took a while to find a snack! Oh! Did you see that message Bridget sent?"

Huh. No I did not. I must have been so distracted thinking about clownfish that I didn't notice the message sent in Maddie's server.

bridget:

may went home :c
but on the plus side im free now
room for one more?