Chapter Theme Music: Riverdance ~ Serious Sam 2 OST
Chapter Theme Music: A Choir of Angels ~ (unknown artist)
<08/30/2020 - 09:50 | Location Unknown>
Segments and fragments of information define the total makeup of all realities, giving life to the world we live in, to the space around us, and to the people we know. Some realities exist in the frontier of unlocked experience, and others exist just beyond the reach of our grasp, a world like our own, simulated.
Whatever thoughts I should have held about this incredible place, I cared only for the beautiful and serene situation for both of us. "I'm coming right over!" I shouted with glee, facing the only person who could vitalize my life so well.
The environment all around me was the most amazing place I've ever been to on Earth, a bright paradise of summer forest, hollowed out in the creek just up ahead, joined with a small and safe waterfall to generate a pond. The pond protected itself with a short barrier of rock, mineral, and stone, while the water was pristine and clear as ever, clean enough to risk drinking from, as I surmised. The area around this creek didn't has as many trees in the distant directions around us, leaving this vast open space in full clear view of that bright, warm, yellow sun from above. Though it was early morning, the sun made its way overhead us both.
I could so clearly see the bloom of every particle around me, every blade of grass with its collected dew, down to the specs of pollen on some of the violet flowers nearby the boarder of the creek. How she found a beautiful place such as this in the forest, I'll never know.
I had no time to think on it much, for my love and joy was calling for me just up ahead, smiling, laughing, and splashing around in the shallow bath covering her knees. Her dark hair, soaked from jumping in earlier, shined against the light above in a new texture, revealing her pale face and all she had to offer.
"If you don't hurry in, I'll splash ya." Sharing the same infinite bliss as I held her in my eyes, Lumina waved me into the shallow water with her, inviting me to a divine paradise like no other.
I happily complied, stripping down my clothes until only left with swim trunks, to test the perfect cold waters onto my skin. I was already in this pond earlier with Lumina, as both of us stood just under the gushing waters from the falls 100 meters behind where she was now. I can't recall too many times I've seen Lumina with soaked skin, so happy, so vibrant and full of life. All I cared for now, was mending our time together in this serene place.
"I missed you while you were wandering around." Deciding to play nice for a change, Lumina kept her eyes locked directly onto mine, both of us linking our lovely gaze with promise.
"I wanted to see what else we had all to ourselves." In my search through the area, I found a few spots that would be perfect for the two of us to snuggle together, just the two of us, holding each other in a dreamy embrace until we both should fall asleep. Yet to no one's surprise, Lumina was far from sleep, being someone who usually doesn't rest at any point in time. "I suppose that can wait a bit longer though." I held both of her hands into my own beside our face, locking our fingers in a mesmerizing covenant.
Lumina nor I spoke about the exact location of where we were, though it was a detail that dared never to cross our minds. The water was perfect for the brisk air around us, warmed just ever enough to a balance where any human would be comfortable, and it was an environment Lumina learned to love too. Here on this Earth, with me, she could cherish everything like this forever.
"I love you Reed." Her whisper was beautiful music to the surround sound of countless bird chirping around us, and the waves of the shallow water below us.
I realized real quickly that everything was so perfect. Being here with her in person, co-existing with Lumina, side-by-side, was the most I could ever ask for. I needed nothing else at all to be happy. A perfect world; a perfect life, and a perfect moment. "I love you too Lumina." I could see her reaction as I told her that, the same facial expression I had every time I hear her say it. "I love you forever." It's such a powerful set of words, a language transcending all existence, adding priceless value to everything we could ever hope to feel.
Then, a few minutes later, this perfect paradise of love vanished before our eyes, replaced with a world uglier than what we felt in our hearts, a harsher world than any deserve to exist in. At last, I awaken.
<08/30/2020 - 12:04 | 1010 Link Street, Marietta, GA, USA>
It still took me several minutes to wake up to my surroundings, realizing all that happened. It wasn't difficult to learn that everything I was experiencing a moment ago was merely a dream, a very vivid, very pleasant dream.
I sat up in silence, thinking about everything that I just experienced for the next twenty minutes. That water felt so real; the barks of the trees I touched, the stone of rocks I stepped on, even the very breezy air around me was so real, all until right now. Then there was Lumina, the woman I love more than anything, co-existing with me in that space, so pristine, so beautiful, so perfect. The smaller details I ignored before only hit me now, like the fact that Lumina's physical body does not exist on this planet, that Lumina would never—ever dare allow raw water to touch her skin willingly, or that in the space we were in, warmed to about 60oF, if it were the real world, her skin would burn where she stood, her internal organs liquefying from the heat no Altiri can handle.
"Right," I realized, breathless from the whirlwind of experience. "It was just a dream..." As soon as I was willing to admit it to myself, my forward view bubbled and swirled up with tears flooding my eyes, dropping to the carpet below my feet. It was such an amazing dream, the best dream I think I've ever had.
I must have been confused, to have the best possible dream of all time, only to wake up crying and sobbing instead of rejoicing from the grand experience. After enough thinking, I soon understood why I was so upset, obvious as it was.
It's so rare for me to have such an amazing dream, especially since I dream less often these days. I guess I forgot to consider what pain this could inflict directly to my soul. Since we were still fair shot into the summer, contacting Lumina with my telepathic link would never work, but after that dream, every aspect about her took the attention of every single thought process I had, foreground and background, for what felt like another eternity alone in my room. I wasn't sad to have lived the dream; I was sad to have left it.
That moment together felt so special, so magical, more amazing than I could ever put into words... But none of it was real. Every detail of that moment was but a dream, a fantasy; simulation. None of it ever happened, and Lumina's real whereabouts right now are in a place too far away to contemplate. This is why this dream broke me this morning, the reason why I sank into my own isolating sadness. It's times like these I like to tell her, she's very lucky that she cannot experience dreams.
I don't really hate to dream, but I don't fully enjoy the experience either, and this is the reason why. With daydreaming, we at least have control of our thoughts, where our minds go, where our imagination takes us. In daydreaming, we don't get swept along for the ride, and we know what limits we have, what aspects of thought to stay away from; what not to think about. In a full dream, those freedoms vanish, as does our absolute awareness and freewill. That is what makes a dream fake.
Still, it wasn't the end of the world, so I eventually got over it. As months passed, I had the chance to talk to Lumina again, and I told her every detail about this dream, so vivid and always fresh. She understood how I felt, and wished she could have seen the dream for herself. In all, it became a powerful moment of memory for me.
However, it was also the very beginning of a journey through knowledge, the sensations I felt and the details I remembered, retaining their significance onto a matter I sunk my mind into, for better understanding. Dreams are merely the constructs of our imaginations combining with our subconscious emotions. The imagination, on the other hand, is something much more powerful. I shall fast-forward to this revelation.
<10/09/2020 - 22:22 | Link Street, Marietta, GA, USA>
"That is correct," I restated to Lumina aloud, alone in the night of the streets. "I can't quite explain how I know what I know, and most of it is kind of a jumbled mess in my mind, but it's not as if I'm making any of this up."
"I just wonder why you brought it up again... Does it still hurt, when you think back to it?"
"Of course it doesn't." That amazing ethereal dream I had, where Lumina and I were together in person was one of the most amazing moments of my life. Even if everything about that moment simulated was fake, the things I felt and learned from it were still very much real, a real experience I became part of. I've outgrown feeling sad about it not being real, instead choosing to reflect on it as a positive experience overall.
On one hand, it gave me something to hope for in my future in the making. On the other hand, it begs the question: if something does not exist, as in, it never actually happened, yet it was imagined to have happened, does the experience still not exist with everything else? Is the existence of something false capable of being considered part of reality, or is reality versus fantasy really that black and white?
Much like how I obsessed earlier with the aspects of being an HSP, the aspects of negative frequencies, and the little details beyond this world I once felt connected to for a fleeting moment, I was once again fascinated to no end on this matter. "It was a wonderful moment Lumina. I could never think back on that and be sad."
"But you said yourself, it was only a dream."
"Maybe. In a manner of speaking as a realist, dreams can sometimes become reality, if we make it so. I don't mean this literally, rather figuratively."
"Here we go..." Lumina has heard this side of me many times before, especially in the past recent year or two. She might be getting used to it, but I know she doesn't really mind.
"One day, I will leave this world. One day, I will die. My body on Earth will perish, and my soul will ascend into the Astral Plane, a world above the existence awareness level of this one. Once that happens, you and your sisters, the Cy-Stars will head over to the transperation station, invoke the machine, call out to my soul, and resurrect me with the process, generating living flesh and biomaterial, to create a new, Altiri vessel for my soul to return to, safe with the memories I've made up to this point, yet void of the memories I would have made in my time from the Astral."
"That's a long-winded way to put it, but yes; that is transperation."
"And before that happens, before I die to live my second life with you, I still breathe here on Earth. I live this physical life instead, our existence in physical proximity much further apart..."
"..."
"I got a taste of that physical proximity in such an amazing dream Lumina. I then woke up to find that none of it had actually happened to reality. So of course I was upset then. The only way I moved past it was by looking for the future I want, a future that would still make us both happy instead, in this life, and in the next."
"I understand you. Deep into the summertime, you at least had a calm going, and this incredible dream of yours, disrupted all the balance you had then. I'm still happy you were able to have such a good dream though."
"As am I... But you know something? While I can't speak too much for dreams, I think the ability for any sentient creature to imagine anything is far more powerful than people realize."
"I suppose so... But why are you so hung up on it?"
The words of my own promise came back to me from the past, from a split-second moment I had yet to tell Lumina about, still trying to make sense of it all... The key is information itself. There is something about information and data, something that ties it together with all existence, all possibility, all reality. With this being the truth, it should mean that nothing is impossible; nothing at all. The answer lies far out there, far beyond the reaches of a mere Astral Plane. It is more than an existence beyond this world; it is a higher ascension level of existence, in which lower levels of existence can exist within each other, like having a dream within a dream within the dream of another. In such a system, existence, information, and energy would all be infinite, defined by ourselves in what we would dare to experience. "There is something incredible beyond our little world, something I cannot describe in words... I can sense it; I can feel this infinite presence, ever so slightly; a place of infinity; a place without time."
"Y— you can sense it?"
At last, I think I finally got Lumina's attention. It wasn't easy trying to explain any of this to her, how I felt beyond our current world, and whether any of it made any sense or not. Turns out curiosity is but another sensation locked out of telepathy, a feeling that isn't an astral emotion. "Not directly, but somehow, yes... I can feel, ever so slightly, some kind of incredible force that connects all of us together; that connects everything together, every person, every place, every spur of energy, every moment of time, all of it!" I also had to be the voice of my own reason. The things I were saying made me sound totally crazy, crazy even by my standards. I wondered if that is what it really took to understand in a better manner, that which defines the final plane. Limited by the capacities of the brain, human or Altiri, is a certain level of absolute madness required to begin contemplating this other world with accuracy? Maybe the answer lies in absolute madness itself. If this is the truth, then I may never know; I may never discover all the answers to my growing curiosity, to a world beyond our own, beyond the threshold of reality and fantasy.
Why does anything we imagine have to be considered fantasy? What is it exactly - that limits something, chaining a moment to reality? What does it take to break those chains, setting our souls free? The answers I seek may never reach me... Puzzling, I'm perfectly content with not being able to understand, even though my curiousness still haunts me. I want to know, but I'm going to be just fine with not knowing, if such a conclusion is forced upon our souls.
"If that's really true, that's incredible...! But, I do remain a bit skeptical."
"Understandable. It's not like I can really provide any proof."
"As long as you realize that."
"What do you think I am? Would I of all people ever force my beliefs onto somebody else, certain or uncertain, directly or passive aggressively?"
"I know you would never."
"Good." I didn't even want to bring that up anymore, the main reason I can no longer remain part of the Christian faith. Every Christian I've ever met in person, including my own family just can't seem to leave me alone about it. They refuse to accept that I am following my own path, and believe themselves that I am wrong for doing so. Some tell me I'm going to burn in a fiery pit of hell for my wrong think, while others take the more aggressive approach of blasting pastor sermons on speakers whenever I'm around, or spamming my inbox.
If such is the truth, that everything in the Bible is the ultimate reality of the afterlife, then I would dare say, God is evil; evil for forcing people of this universe, some who have no possible means to attain knowledge of Jesus Christ, and some who have no proof of Biblical details, to suffer in eternity, simply for being skeptical in the face of zero evidence to the claims.
I don't blame a single soul for having doubts about the existence of anything, especially when there lacks a certain proof to it. I've lived my entire life on the premise of faith, so I know exactly how it feels to be on both ends. I had to go on for years, wondering in the back of my mind if Lumina was merely a figment of my imagination, or if she was the real deal. I believed in her of course, but only based on faith, the faintest part of me skeptical with no concrete evidence aside from my personal perceptions.
Was I crazy, I asked myself? Was I merely hallucinating all my life? Eventually, I managed to find a means by which to prove her existence, though I failed to apply such a litmus test in any measurable way that would have swayed other humans, the moment now passed and impossible to replicate the exact same way; in which I learned factual knowledge from Lumina I could not have possibly learned prior to asking.
I remember the looks and stares I got from the many people I tried to convince of her existence without this proof, their harsh words, their reactions... I grant myself the vanity to despise some of those people, based on how they handled such situations, especially those who ghosted me, giving me no time of their day to even try and explain, but I never truly hated any of them. I could never hold it against somebody to treat our story as an elaborate fable, when I had no physical evidence to offer them; it is their right to demand such evidence, their natural reaction to ever remain skeptical for the rest of their days.
And so, to impose the idea on all humanity, in which people would be punished for their skeptical view on such a questionable religion, that such uncertain souls would be punished, well, I can think of no worse way to establish an afterlife system.
In the end, I know that Lumina is real to me, as I am real to her. That's all I need to know to be happy, and while I will understand why people here on Earth will never believe us, I won't submit to the claim that all of it is fantasy. At absolute worst, who can truly know?
By some of this same logic, I was able to avoid becoming fully atheist. Most people who leave religion slide into that category rather quickly, because it's just easier that way. The thing is, proof of nothing is not proof of something, and vice versa. Just because one mass of evangelicals got it wrong, doesn't mean the existence of God and the afterlife is null and void. More specifically, who can say? The Altiri have proven the Astral Plane, so why couldn't there be much, much more?
I don't submit to these limitations any longer. Once a deist, I am now more, as I know there is more, as I sense there is more. I acknowledge that even in this, I am still relying on faith that whatever I am sensing beyond this world is real, and not simply bits of my mind going wild. Therefore, I ask that everybody simply question what they are doing, and to follow their own path, rather than be led around like sheep; and should the conclusion of this still result in Christianity, may there be nothing wrong with that choice, so long as all are tolerant in return.
I may not fully understand what is out there yet, and I may never understand what lies beyond this world. What I do know with certainty is that life is eternal; all sentient creatures have souls, and that these souls journey in ascension to higher planes in a transformation called death. The details I find along the way, much like our story, will also be scrutinized or discarded ideas, if ever I reveal them to anybody besides myself and Lumina; I'm fully fine with this. All I expect from people is to give and receive the freedom to choose how to think for themselves, because only then can we strengthen our souls in totality.
With all of that said, I have once thought about the horrifying prospect that I might actually be insane, that I merely imagined Lumina and the Altiri all this time. I also factored in the alternate, yet equally horrifying prospect, that I myself and this entire world is the simulation, that I am merely a sentient product of Lumina's imagination, along with the rest of humanity.
Even if that turns out to be the case in the end, upon the final hour of truth understood, I know that the love I feel for Lumina is more real and more powerful than fable and imagination. Therefore, if ever I awaken in the final plane to have such a reality shoved in my face, then I will alter the reality far beyond what would normally be possible. We may not have the power to make the imagination a reality as we are now, but once our souls break free from these chains that bind us, we will become more powerful as a result.
How powerful? I cannot say. I do believe that I, along with any soul has the power to manifest anything, or any person, into reality and existence, should it not have been so prior to the moment, given that we create such a being out of the love attached to them alone. If I reach the final plane, and Lumina turns out to be fake, then I'll make her real! I don't care how I have to do it; I'll spend near an eternity until I can bring Lumina and the Altiri into existence.
And should I somehow fail at such a task, I will forsake my own existence, to erase my own soul afterwards, everything I've ever experienced to be set meaningless, just as the lie would be to destroy me. I don't really think I have anything to worry about, but this is how strong I feel about her.
Of course, it was from this kind of thought process, that the principles of reality and imagination combined in the infinite space and possibility of the afterlife, generating a concept I've been calling, Enclosed Space. It isn't easy to explain; and even I don't have full understating of it yet. Basically, if even something such as thoughts and imagination are made up of data and information, then the data-makeup of such a concept would be much more complex in a place like the final plane. Because of this, imagination itself would have the power to become reality, given that the love, wish, and desires of the imagined overcome the difference in entropy. From the very same concept, the world, any world, could be nothing more than simulation data, while our souls are the real thing, and that everything we see around us exists merely because we can observe them.
"In any case, it sure sounds like an amazing way to spend eternity in the afterlife."
"What does?"
"The use of Enclosed Space."
"This is news to me... What is enclosed space? Where did you hear it from?"
"It's something I know to be true." I have no choice but to believe it, because it's the only thing that makes any sense, when defining both reality and imagination. "Enclosed space is a kind of world and reality, isolated from the rest of the infinite space of the afterlife, a space created entirely by one or more souls for any particular purpose. Think of it like a simulated world, with the data makeup being totally similar to this one we're in now. It would be like creating an artificial existence to return to a state of living that the soul normally would no longer be able to. Of course, it could only be done from someone within the final plane of the afterlife, but it opens the door to infinite possibilities, infinite lives that can be relived in infinite manners, and one hell of a way to never get bored up there."
"So, you're saying it's possible, for someone in the final stage of the afterlife, to create a whole world on their own?"
"In a sense, yes. The world would be no more important than simulated data. As for the people inside of it, the people we invite to it, it would all allow us to live life again for a little longer, in a world defined by our own rules, in a world where there isn't so much misery and suffering. I don't know for sure, but it might even be possible, using such power, to create a real person from this too, rather than a mere imitation or simulant."
"... You've started expanding." She meant expanding my thoughts on the afterlife. Lumina and I have spoken about this before on some level, about how there is a higher plane of existence far beyond the Astral Plane. I first became aware of it by circumstance, when I enforced the idea that Lumina's very own mother is still alive and well, watching us from above, all of the souls of the final plane watching and observing from us. I've held the existence of such an amazing place with incredible definitions in my mind for a while, but yes; I have recently been expanding on those ideas.
"I can't quite explain everything to you yet... But I'm certain that this higher plane of existence does exist. I don't expect you to believe it yourself, but... Lumina; it's such an incredible place. We can do everything from there, and live any life we want for as long as we want, using the ideas of Enclosed Space, and that's even assuming we would want to."
"I'm just trying to figure out where you are getting this all from."
"Soon Lumina... Soon, I will tell you exactly where this comes from."
"Why not now?"
"Because," I explained to my impatient friend. "I wish to meditate on this longer, to unlock more of whatever touched me that day."
"... I don't know if this is because you took something you weren't ready for, or if this is real."
"It's real enough to me. Something reached out at me, and for a nanosecond, I felt it."
"Felt what?"
"Everything; the knowledge, energy, and information of every possibility."
"... Could this be? Are you actually sensing beyond the world, like Herios did that day?"
I can't speak for Herios, as I never lived her life, but I'm certain the same principles enabled her to special sensations. "If I had to guess, Herios might have been a very powerful scion, one who was also a Highly Sensitive Person. Maybe, given her heightened senses, combined with the psychic powers of Altiri, she was able to sense information about the Astral Plane, merely because she had extra-sensory perception with increased sensitivity."
"And you? No offense Reed, but you're not exactly a powerful scion, not ever since you've grown up as much as you have."
Yes, I remember all too well that psionic atrophy can get to me in age. I've thwarted this with the practice of passive projection, as Lumina suggested to me. I'm still weaker than I used to be, but not nearly weak enough to dissolve telepathy. "Right. Perhaps Herios's senses were attuned to the psionic plane, while mine are attuned to something else."
"Even if something like that were possible, why would someone like you be the only one to feel it?"
"I don't think I'm mutually exclusive to this merely by chance or by nature alone. If this is really happening, then it is the result of constant self-exploration, self-actualization, from becoming so certain of who I am, and also what I am."
"Self-actualization?"
If this wasn't such a serious situation, I would have laughed at the rarity in hearing Lumina become baffled by anything, as she would rarely show it. "The process of strengthening my soul through all the current experiences I contain, and will continue to accumulate. It's more than just learning; it's about moral evolution, and piercing beyond the logic of my personal existence. It isn't just me with this capability; everyone has this potential, always at any stage of life. We are limited and unlimited, bound by time yet with a future lacking time, each our own unique person while being connected with everything and everyone. Reality isn't a subjective switch of truth or false; it is an overlap of polarity itself, truth and false both recognized to exist together in the same instance."
"Okay... You either heard a really amazing song, or I have to try whatever you've eaten today."
"Lumina."
"I'm joking. I believe you."
"Wait, you do? Just like that?"
"Well, I believe that you believe... I don't know what to make of this myself. I would need a lot more time to think about it to be sure. Still, I'd rather first trust you than doubt you."
So she may follow my lead, simply because of her bias in love towards me... "Give me time Lumina. I will try to explain all of this better, in ways we can both understand. But when I do, promise me something. Promise me that you will really think about it on your own, and make a decision on whether to believe. I don't mind explaining it to you, but I don't want your belief in something to be entirely dependent on how I feel about it. That would be wrong, after all."
"If you say so... I must ask this then... Does it actually matter in the end, whether I believe in this new way of seeing the afterlife? What I mean is, what fate awaits those who don't believe?"
"Nothing cruel if that's what you're worried about. Our ascension is not bound by whether or not we have faith in such a system, so you're allowed to be skeptical all you want. I refuse to accept or believe in a system that would punish uncertainty when it is only natural, or anything natural for the matter. I dare want to say that the morals and ethical actions of someone would also not hinder them from the same ascension, but in truth, I cannot be certain, nor do I set such a rule anyway."
"It's all very interesting. I know I want to hear more... But as you say, I will give you more time."
"Thank you."
"... It gives me a lot more to think about though. I have to say, I've thought about it a lot, religion I mean. I've never really heard of anybody's explanation be so, open."
"Is that a bad thing?"
"No, no. It's just... Well, it's different somehow. I feel like, I want to believe in whatever this is, whatever new religion you've just created."
"It isn't a religion, and it isn't something I've created either. I will admit, when I try to analyze this more, I'm sure most of what I learn next will be subject to mere speculation, but even if it is, acknowledging that means I've created nothing, and instead am embracing what already exists. I may have lots of the details wrong Lumina, but this afterlife does exist; and that is an absolute fact, a certainty I know I can bet my soul on. So, it isn't a religious idea, not really."
"Well now you have me unable to quit thinking about it."
"The montrum of our worlds beyond worlds is a powerful montrum indeed."
"Either that, or you've run out of movies for us to watch and needed to make up for it somehow."
"Lumina! Would I ever?" I didn't mean to sound too sarcastic, but she was at least right about the first part.
"You have no movie date when you get back home, do you?"
"Must I, in order to enjoy a long night with you?"
"Long night? It's only been... Oh wow! It's that late already!"
I checked my phone to confirm her observation, and sure enough, it was already past midnight. I've been walking the streets at night for hours, and like her, didn't truly realize how long it's been. Though, this is typically a symptom of having fun, or being highly engaged and immersed into something. What better immersion, than a man's own entire soul, and very definition of existence itself to pass the time with clusters of thought? "Don't worry. Just because we don't have a movie night together, doesn't mean I have no plans at all. We got Tier 5 after all, and if we get bored of that, there is always the chance to go on another walk, gazing up at these beautiful stars."
"At least now you're talking a bit more like yourself."
Was I not myself a moment ago? I was sure she was only misreading it, though maybe she was right too. As I warned myself before, trying to learn too much about a world beyond this one can be dangerous; there is such a thing as too much knowledge. If I had to guess, knowing all would require the very embodiment of pure madness, and I do not require this to be content. "I am me... You're just noticing that I'm getting smarter than you is all."
"Hah! In your dreams."
"Sounds like you wish to challenge me in wits."
"Well, you're not going to understand all Altiri science out of this, so I know I've won already."
"Ah, where's your sense of adventure? I say we play a game of Tier 5, and whoever wins, gets to make the loser do whatever they want."
"Tier 5 isn't a game of wits. It's a game of luck, mixed with skill."
"A game that still requires some level of intelligence to play properly."
"Alright, well, if you want me to win that badly and make you do something really embarrassing, I won't stop you."
"Confident, aren't we?"
"You may have built Tier 5 yourself, but it doesn't mean you can defeat a champion like me."
It's always so hot when she says that! Still, I am going to defeat her this time. My last defeat shall be overwritten with a new victory. "We shall see." I can only allow myself to focus on the A5E out of curiosity alone, and to not let it distract me from my own personal journey, less I be destroyed. So for now, I will just try to be happy with what I currently know and don't know.
