7
Reflection

“We’re back on the grind, boys,” Jack said, all excited for another session of Valorant. The weekend had passed by without me doing much at all, and now it was Sunday night. “Let’s go, I’ve had so much time to play since I’m not going to school. I could beat all of you dickheads, easy.”

“Sure, Jack, we’re the ones who carry you all the time,” I said, rolling my eyes. “And is bragging about being a high school dropout really that impressive?”

“Shut up, Tyler,” Jack said. “You’re speaking as if you’re not in the exact same situation as me.‘

I gulped. I forgot that’s what I told him, but I suppose that was better than the truth. I sighed, trying to come up with a clever retort. “At least I’ll be able to take my G.E.D. and go to college that way. Your dumbass probably won’t even be able to pass it.”

“I’ll become rich working at McDonalds. I’ll work my way up the corporate chain and go from line cook to CEO,” Jack said, laughing. “Anyways come on, let’s play.”

We started another session of playing, but again, it felt hollow. These times used to be what I looked forward to every day, but now, I would rather spend time with the girls or Matthew. I blanked out for a while, just turning on autopilot, until I heard Jack say something stupid.

“I mean, what are girls good for anyways, huh?” he asked, laughing obnoxiously into the microphone. “They can make me a sandwich, that’s what they can do.

“Jack shut the fuck up,” I said, annoyed. Did he seriously think that’s all they were good for? “Girls are the same as us.”

“Ooh, we have the defender of the women here,” Jack said, his voice dripping with sarcasm. “Maybe go somewhere else if you can’t even handle these jokes, Tyler. You used to be so chill, I don’t know what the fuck happened to you.”

“You know what, I will,” I said, my eye twitching. We were losing anyways, and at this point, I barely cared about the game anymore. “Have fun trying to win a 4v5, loser.”

“Wait, fuck, don’t actually go,” Jack said. “You piece of shit, you’re throwing. Tyler! Ty-”

I left the Discord call, sighing as I put down my headphones. I probably wouldn’t contact the boys again.

***

“Why do you look so bummed out, Katie?” Sam asked, poking at me. “Are you alright? You haven’t said anything this whole lunch period.

“Oh,” I said, looking up. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

“No you’re not,” Lauren said, leaning in and staring at my eyes. “Tell us what’s going on, we’re here to help.”

“I just had a falling out with my friend,” I admitted, sighing. “We were friends for a long time, but I realized he had some bad views.”

“What do you mean bad views?” Sam asked, tilting her head. “Is he like a Nazi or something?”

“No, no, not that bad,” I said, giggling a little at her suggestion. “He’s just kind of misogynistic, and I can’t really have friends like that.”

“I mean, you’re a girl,” Liz said, rolling her eyes. “Obviously you can’t be friends with someone who's misogynistic, that means they would be mean to you.”

“True,” I said, ignoring the fact that I really wasn’t a girl. “Anyways, yeah, it sucks to lose a friend.”

“Hey, it’s okay, you have us,” Lauren said, smiling. Suddenly, that friendly smile morphed into an evil grin right before my eyes. “...and Matthew.”

“Shut up, oh my God, I said, although I couldn’t help but laugh. “No, absolutely not.”

“Katthew,” Liz said suddenly. She stayed quiet for a few seconds with a hand on her chin as she thought. “Oh my God, that’s cute, Katthew!”

“Katthew?” I asked, not getting what it stood for for a second. Oh Katie-Matthew, Katthew. “Wait, no.”

“It’s cute, it's your ship name,” Liz said, giggling. “Isn’t that just adorable, Katthew.”

I sighed deeply. I wondered if they even knew I wasn’t even attracted to men.

 

***

 

“Hey, Matthew, do you mind if we hang out and talk a little?” I asked on the phone. School had just ended, and I needed to talk with someone about what happened with Jack. Since all my former friends were against me now for leaving the game, Matthew was my only option. I guess I did have my girlfriends, but they didn’t know I was actually a guy, so that would take a lot of context.

“Sure,” he said. “Where do you want to meet up?”

“If you don’t mind, you can bike over to my house and then leave it here, and then we can take off.”

“Sure, that’ll work,” he said. “I’ll be there in a few.”

 

***

 

“You’re lucky I’m even hanging out with you,” I snarled as Matthew showed up outside of my home. I crossed my arms across my blouse, the feeling of my padded bra making things a little awkward.

“What? You invited me in the first place,” Matthew said, looking genuinely confused. “What happened now?”

“You said I was cute to my friends!” I exclaimed, pushing him slightly. “Now they’re shipping us. They call us Katthew.”

“Katthew?” he said. He stared at me in disbelief for a few seconds before breaking out in laughter. “Katthew, that’s so funny.”

“You try being the one teased about it every day, and it won’t seem so funny to you anymore.”

“Fine, I won’t call you cute from now on then,” Matthew said, crossing his arms.

“Well, I didn’t say that,” I said, looking down at the floor. It did feel nice to be called cute, to be fair, even if it was from Matthew of all people.

“So you do want me to call you cute?” he asked, raising his eyebrows.

“No, well, I don’t know, let’s get moving,” I said, swerving the conversation to a new topic as quickly as I could. We began walking, engaging in small talk here and there. We were on a relatively desolate road when a girl walked up to us.

“Oh my God, Matthew, hi,” she suddenly said. I furrowed my eyebrows, who was this? “I was going to message you soon since I was back in town, but I guess luck made us meet today.”

“Umm,” Matthew said awkwardly, staring at the girl’s face. “Who are you again?”

“My name is Grace,” she said. The name certainly fits her, with her all-white outfit and innocent face, she did look graceful. “But you knew me as Sean.”

“Sean?” Matthew asked, his face filling with a look of familiarity. “Holy shit, that’s you?”

“That’s me,” she said, winking. “Two years of estrogen has a pretty strong effect on a person.”

“God, this is just surprise after surprise,” Matthew said, rubbing the bridge of his nose. “First we have Katie here, and then now Grace.”

“Don’t call me that name,” I said, annoyed.

“Oh my God, Tyler? I mean, Katie?” Grace asked, finally recognizing me. “Is that you?”

“Yeah, it is,” I said, sighing. I did not expect a reunion with my old friend to go like this. Sean was a friend I had in middle school, and he moved away to another state. He disappeared from all social media, which I thought was weird, but I supposed it made sense now. “How did you recognize me?”

“I think you’re forgetting I’m trans as well,” the girl said. “I’ve seen plenty of trans timelines, and you’d fit right in as a success.”

“I’m not trans,” I said, exasperated.

“Sure you’re not,” she said, rolling her eyes. “Why are you dressed up like that then.”

“I’ll explain this quickly, so listen carefully,” I said, not wanting to explain this again. “I got expelled, so I had no other option than to go to Rosewood through the connections my Mom had with my Aunt. Obviously, I had to dress up like a girl for that, so here I am.”

“That sounds like something you’d see in a story or something,” Grace said, tilting her head. “I was all excited to see another trans girl too.”

“Well, sorry about that, but I’m still a regular guy,” I said, shrugging.

“I doubt that for some reason, but sure,” she said. “Anyways, it’s been so long, and I’m so glad to be back in California.”

“Yeah, where’d you move to again? New York?” Matthew asked.

“Yeah, Long Island,” she said. “It was nice but too cold, I prefer the weather here. The people are so rude too.”

“Do you want to hang out with us?” Matthew asked. “We were just heading to a cafe to talk.”

I frowned at the idea of a girl joining us and taking up Matthew’s attention, but since Grace was an old friend, I made an exception.

“Sure,” she said excitedly. “Let’s get going!”

 

***

 

“So, why’d you call me over here again, Katie?” Matthew asked. The three of us sat at a circular table. I’d gotten strawberry lemonade, Matthew got coffee, and Grace was sipping on some tea.

“Well, I just wanted to vent, to be honest,” I said. “But I’m also concerned that I’m changing, and that’s an issue.”

“How are you changing?” Grace asked, tilting her head. “Last I saw of you, you were some super studious guy.”

“Yeah, that changed,” I said. “Since some bad things in my life happened, I became kind of a worse person, to be honest. I was hanging around the wrong people and didn’t care about school much at all. I was just going along with what the people around me wanted. I’m just realizing that now.”

“You definitely changed,” Matthew said, leaning back in his chair. “I still couldn’t believe it when they said you got expelled from school for stealing panties.”

“What?” Grace asked loudly, attracting the attention of some of the patrons. She quieted down before speaking again, clearly embarrassed. “Why would you do that?”

“I don’t know,” I said, genuinely not knowing what was going through my mind at that time. “I guess I thought it would be funny.”

“Yeah, that’s not funny,” Grace said, crossing her arms. “That’s like, sexual harassment..”

“Yeah, I know that now,” I said, frowning. “So anyways, Jack, our friends, and I were playing some games, and he made a sexist joke. I’d usually go along with the joke if anything, but it really irked me for some reason now. I think I’m just getting too used to being a girl.”

“Well, that’s a good thing if anything,” Matthew said. “It’s good that you’re speaking up against jokes, if you can even call them that, like that.”

“I guess,” I said. “I’m just a little worried that I’m changing too much.”

“You have been changing,” Matthew admitted, scratching his head. “But I think it’s been for the better. You’ve become a lot kinder and more sympathetic.”

“Look, all I’m saying is if you were stealing panties, and changed to realize that was wrong, I think it’s a good change,” Grace said, raising her arms in the air in exasperation.

“Look, I know it was wrong that I stole the panties, I don’t really want to talk about it,” I said, finishing up my drink before speaking again.”I know it’s not a bad change, but I’m still worried just how much this is going to change me. I just agreed to it so I could go to college.”

“I just think you’re changing for the better,” Matthew said. “I wouldn’t worry about it if I were you.”

“I guess,” I said, kicking around my legs as I didn’t know what to do. I rubbed them together a little, enjoying the feeling of smooth skin on smooth skin.

“What are you doing, Katie?” Matthew asked, staring at me rubbing my legs together.

“Umm, I don’t know,” I said, returning to a normal sitting stance. I tried to change the subject, embarrassed that I got caught. “Anyways, Grace, what happened with you?”

“Me?” she asked, perking up at the mention of her name. “Nothing much, really.”

“Nothing much,” I scoffed. “You came back from New York as a girl, and you don’t have anything to say about that?”

“Not really,” she said, shrugging. “I had gender dysphoria, I got my hands on hormones, and now I’m the girl I always was. Nothing complicated about it.”

“Sure,” I said, frowning. “How are you even here, anyway? Shouldn’t you be at school?”

“My mom lied that my grandpa died to get a leave of absence,” she said, giggling. “I’m going back in three weeks, but I’m going to enjoy my time here.”

“Damn,” Matthew said, chuckling. “I feel bad for your grandpa.”

“Don’t,” she said, rolling her eyes. “He’s kind of mean anyways, not that supportive.”

“Nevermind then,” Matthew said, shaking his head disappointedly. “Old people can be like that.”

“Tell me about it,” Grace said, crossing her arms. “He’s always like ‘I miss my grandson,’ like I’m still right here you know. I didn’t change at all, I’m still me. I didn’t change at all because I’m a girl now, I’m just more free to express who I really was deep down now.”

I frowned, was the same thing happening to me? Was I really changing, or was I just expressing who I was deep down this entire time now? I didn’t know, and that kind of scared me. I rubbed my temple, a little nervous about what this all really meant.

“Anyways, Matthew, it’s your turn to talk about yourself now,” Grace said, looking curious as to what we’ve been up to. “What about you?”

“Well, I’m the only one who hasn’t become a girl, so there’s that,” he said, chuckling. “But life has been boring for me. It’s just go to school, do homework, do my hobbies, sleep, not much going on in my life.”

“I see,” Grace said, rubbing her chin. “That’s lame, Katie seems to have a more exciting life than you.”

“Maybe I do,” I giggled, thinking of how exciting my life has been as of late. “Life becomes more exciting the less you focus on school.”

“I’m not sure if that’s a good thing, but sure,” she said, furrowing her eyebrows. “How’s life at the all-girls school?”

“Good, actually,” I said. It wasn’t a lie, I thought I’d hate my time there, but the more I stayed, the more acquainted I got with my situation. “I have actual friends for one, which is nice.”

“I’m glad you finally realized Jack was an asshole,” Matthew said, shaking his head in disappointment. “It sucked to see you over there all the time when I knew you were better.”

“Yeah, I realized that a little too late,” I said. “All it took was getting expelled and a crackpot plan to turn me into a girl for me to realize that maybe Jack wasn’t the best person.”

“Whatever, the past is in the past,” he said, yawning a little. “I’m glad you are who you are now, Katie.”

I blushed a little, caught off guard by a compliment. “You know what, I’m glad to be who I am now too,” I said, smiling brightly.