Book 2, chapter 02, The Great Escape. 

Number 4, Privet Drive

Little Whinging 

Surrey.

1992, August the 3rd.

So as everyone know, the last time you were here, you left Baracus, Hannibal and Faceman ready to go to free Looping from his loony-house. Using a borrowed chopper/flying-car for the mission. Loony didn't pull a circus with it yet so, Baracus wasn't afraid of flying at that time.

 

Don't worry about their evasion. It's just like the 80' TV-show.

Everything will go fine.

They're the A Team, after all.

Creaking stairs ?

Warden don't wake up/plot-armour.

Ripping cell-bars out of the wall while making the car engine roar ?

Warden keep snoring/plot-armour.

Have an owl hoot ONCE ?

ALERT ! ALERT ! ALERT !

Escape attempt, Escape attempt, light them up, to all SCP personal, this is not a drill, I repeat this is not a drill, prevent the anomaly from escaping at all cost !!!! He must be destroyed robot-voice.

(Welcome to the reality of the Warner-bros/Looney Toones jokes cartoons, with a delayed effect for consequences)

 

Don't panic, everything will go fine.

Like in every movie, the hero will waste precious time talking and all that, just in the middle of the enemy's camp, without fear of being discovered cause it's not that scene in the script yet.

Because with all plot armour, the bad guys will only act after the end of the dialog.

Locking the door to delay the guards ?

No one ever thought about it...

Move some furniture to barricade the door ?

It's an escape attempt not a riot or a revolution.

Oh, by the way, don't bother taking your loyal pet with you...

Don't even think about the easiest and fastest way not to have to move her cage or make it lighter.

Unlocking her cage, so it would fly next to the car. (Which should obviously be done right when you pass by her cage before exiting and going to retrieve the confiscated loot). 

It is of utter importance to use what little space you have in your car to keep the cell's bars...

Even before trying to see if you have enough room for your clothes, books, cauldron, wand and everything...

Iron prices on the stock market are so high right now...

Maybe the Weasleys could sell it to pay the fee about an illegal flying car ?

What ?

I'm mean with them ?

So what ?

Yeah I'm pissed. 😡

That guy will go to the Burrows.

While I'm still stuck in Maleficent's Manor if you forgot !

And I'm not the only one being mean if you remember.

That guy compared me with Dudley... Again !

He also accused me without proof. 

I mean, for once, just once in our family's history, my whole family, either close or extended (innocent Sirius, crazy auntie Bellatrix and disowned Andromeda, her husband and my cousin), was innocent.

Yes innocent !

We NEVER sent Dobby after him.

Father wanted the Basilisk to kill people.

That's way different !

That's the definition of innocence.

Do you know how often that happened ?

So.

While I'm rambling in my comfy and warm bed, enjoying a restful sleep, four miscreants were driving a car (where did they learn how to ?) across the country.

After landing, three of them got scolded by their mother and after that the fourth one gave a scare to his future wife (and poor victim of the current book), so they all went to play in the garden.

What were they all doing again ?

There were seven of them, right ?

We have three accounted for.

The young girl used the remaining time before school trying to overcome her newly developed shyness to talk to her crush.

The two oldest guys left long ago and were never mentioned at that time.

Who's missing ?

Ah, him.

The dickhead.

Locked in his room, so he could secretly write love letters and polish his... Prefect Badge.

So many jokes.

Alas, all R rated...

I must find a way to borrow his badge. 

Headless boy would be a good title. Especially if I can put an displaced invisibility charm on his head. I know he's still not the head boy, the twins will joke about it in HP3. Meaning I've only one year to find out how to do it.

Easy part, Geminio charm to make a copy, permute the two badges, then apply the spells to the original.

Just have to bump into him to make the switch. 

Unless I can find a way to permute them directly.

 

Me ? 

What would I do today you mean ?

Oh I had an interview scheduled with the narcissist moron. It would change me from the duels sessions and my preparation for my bewitched glasses and prefect's badge.

Little did that show-off knew, it would be the premises of his downfall. 

A small pop behind me announced Dobby's arrival.

- Young master, your guest has arrived. He's waiting for you in the living-room. 

- Perfect. Serve the light meal and the drinks I specified for us. 

With a pop, Dobby went to obey my orders.

I said, adjusting my tie and my robes. I pulled all the "formal style" for him. 

Like a wise man once said, it's only done when you respect the person or when you despise them.

Do you really need to guess it was right now ? 

---

Interview with the Lockhart

The title felt like I copied the movie/book about a vampire. With the crew of the Benny Hill show.

What do you mean he's not funny ?

It was really hard for me not to laugh and smile like an evil mastermind in front of him.

I mean...

Did you know there was one thousand four hundred ninety two inconsistencies in total between the books themselves and the interviews that crook gave around Britain and the English speaking countries ?

 

Yet here I was playing fanboy, as I showed him a whole collection of his books that I had. Two of each.

Break with a Banshee by Gilderoy Lockhart

Gadding with Ghouls by Gilderoy Lockhart

Gilderoy Lockhart's Guide to Household Pests by Gilderoy Lockhart

Holidays with Hags by Gilderoy Lockhart

Magical Me by Gilderoy Lockhart

Marauding with Monsters by Gilderoy Lockhart.

One Hundred and One Practical Uses for Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans by Gilderoy Lockhart

Travels with Trolls by Gilderoy Lockhart

Voyages with Vampires by Gilderoy Lockhart

Wanderings with Werewolves by Gilderoy Lockhart

Year with the Yeti by Gilderoy Lockhart

 

(Merlin pants, I never repeated someone name so much in one go. It felt like trying to pull of Beetlejuice's invocation).

So, yes, two exemplars of each book. One in mint condition and signed for my personal collection (yep, he fell for it hook, line, sinker and all the fishing line stores), the others to read. Like a nerd.

The gallions signs lighted up in his eyes when he thought of the price I must have paid.

 

I think sometime in the far future, I will have to tell him I received them as gifts. From his publisher.

You do remember no ? I'm a Malfoy and my name is really well known in certain circles.

Well, investing in them opened me their doors. All according to plan M0r0n.O1.

They even gave me an actualized list of all his preferences for food and beverage.

At first he was intrigued, as I went through his publisher to obtain this interview.

He thought it was for a book signing or photographs.

A little bird told me, (weird how some flattery, some sweets and a pouch of gold come loosen tongs), that he wasn't trilled to come for a single fan, right on the border of considering canceling the meeting.

He wanted it to be like for the comic-on and the like. Have every single person pay a fee for pictures, another one for his autograph, and a third for dedication. With huge banners floating his name while giant pictures of his face were shown to his admirers.

Ok, I feel like puking just with this image...

What gold would he make with only one fan ?

Then the publisher's director contacted him and told him I was a major contributor.

Oh, was he trilled to come.

Free buffet style meal with expensive foods, free drinks and now I pretended to have bought all his books.

Do you want to know what my plan is ?

I wanted to pull a Monte Christo on him. From the Alexander Dumas' book.

Raise your targets, so you can take them down even better. It really felt like giving them a free laser so they use a hanging rope by themselves.

All along the meal, he drank and ate, not noticing how loose his speech became.

Didn't he knew the Latin quote ?

In Vino Veritaserum.

He thought he was talking to me.

He has nothing to fear from me.

I'm in with his publisher.

He only spilled the beans to my alias.

The one who will tell all the sins of some of our hated characters.

To do that I had to approach him before his first apparition at Flourish and Blotts, he would be glued to Harry the whole time.

---

Wednesday August 19th 1992.

13B, Knockturn Alley, Diagon Alley, London

Borgin and Burkes

Did you know Diagon Alley had two meaning ? First the main street between the pub and Gringots, second the main street and all it's branches as a whole. It could be slightly confusing when you don't know the trick.

As my father and I went to shop for my school furniture, we eventually found ourselves in front of this mythic and antic shop.

It's appearance didn't reflect the wonders and treasures you could, as a connoisseur, find inside.

You just had to make sure to not forget your purse.

I took a minute to admire the shop's front to allow the furtive shadow I saw behind the door to hide. My father looked at me strangely, not knowing if he should attribute me slowing to fear or some other feeling.

Feeling his gaze on me, I told him.

- Just looking at the articles on display father. I'm done now.

I proudly opened the door without hesitation.

Why would I be scared ? I'm his Mini-me.

I'm allowed to the name, you didn't see my father's gloating Dr Evil-face right now...

I let my gaze wander along the artefacts on display, noting a glass case nearby that held a withered hand on a cushion (throw it in a room it would always try to crawl to the nearest victim to strangle her), a blood-stained pack of cards (to play whatever card game you choose, careful that each loosing hand will hurt you, literally), and a staring glass eye (what I was looking for right now).

There were also some evil-looking masks that stared down from the walls (did he ransack the Usumaki house ruin ?), an assortment of human bones lay upon the counter (freshly digged up and ready to use), and rusty, spiked instruments (for torture) that hung from the ceiling.

Hm, I'm pretty sure I saw Venec sell some of them in my past life.

 

 

Don't worry, I was pointing to my next acquisition for my father to look at when our scared hero hid himself in the vanishing cabinet.

 

That same one Mortag was stuck in and my canon-counterpart used to smuggle death eaters in the castle.

 

Walking slowly to it, I showed him my most evilest smile before closing the door.

 

With a small squeak from him, our hero saw the last ray of dim light he will ever see shut down on him.

 

End.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nah, I'm kidding.

 

I'm currently showing faces in front of a giant mirror I don't know the use of.

(the faces really were for him, I saw him peak in the reflection through the ajar door, but I'm sure he didn't know).

While doing that, my left hand was in my pocket, perfectly hidden and rapidly turning a silver ring on top of my watch.

Better be sure someone was coming to babysit him.

- Ah, Mr Borgin ! My father said, as the owner's greasy hair appeared.

- Mr Malfoy, what a pleasure to see you again, said Mr Borgin in a voice as oily as his hair. Delighted – and young Master Malfoy, too. A real pleasure to see such a young connoisseur again.

He tried to make me feel welcome, but his toothless smile would really need an intervention by Hermione's parents.

- How may I be of assistance? I must show you, just in today, and very reasonably priced –’

- I’m not buying today, Mr Borgin, but selling, said my father.

- Selling ? The smile faded slightly from Mr Borgin’s face.

- You have heard, of course, that the Ministry is conducting more raids, my father said, taking a roll of parchment from his inside pocket and unravelling for the pawnbroker to read.

While they bargained between them and cursed Mr Weasley, all in earshot of the hero, I took a look at the widely discussed staring glass eye in the glass case. Not caring at all for the hand and the bloody pack of cards.

- Twenty five for the eye, Mr Borgin, final price. I said in a clear and firm voice.

I overpriced it on purpose, but knew the diva's offended act was coming.

I won't bother you with it now. Just know that a drunk and stoned Meryl Streep would still outshine that crook. (That lady can pull of ANY role).

Oh, I did walk to the cabinet and pretended that I wanted to open it.

That's what you get for calling me Dudley.

I did pay more than twenty five, but got of with refills for instantaneous darkness powder at the same time. So, not much.

My father made me hurry for his other important business today.

---

My arsehole of a father's business, or how to put the blame on an eleven years old girl.

An hour latter, I found myself dragged by my father to Flourish and Blotts were many students and their parents were trying to buy their school books through the circus show that moron was running.

Good thing I made him promise me he would keep my investment in his books a secret.

I was able to see a whole flock of middle aged and teenagers witches crowd that moth. All for his greatest pleasure.

Poor and sad women. Sorry but your feelings won't last.

 

Hm, should I confess here being at the origin of that crook's idea of using our lightning boy to boost his fame ?

 

It's only half part to mess with Harry.

Promise.

I've a really good reason to do it.