Book 2 Chapter 03 The Princess' Diary, a.k.a the Good, the Bad and the Moron. 

The moment that media-whore saw Harry, viewers-count signs showed up in his eyes. 

(I didn't even know it was possible).

Harry was grabbed and pulled front "stage" without being given any opportunity to refuse.

You could see his uneasiness with that idiot's actions and his shyness in front of the camera. 

Too add to Lockhart's speech and action he then heard someone else speak.

"Oh my god, said a high pitched voice. It's Harry Potter ! I must make him sign my hat with my lipstick !"

Harry turned green when he heard that. Other people tried to see who was talking.

Me ? 

Yes.

I did ape some of Krum's fangirls to mess with Harry just now. 

Oh, you wanted to know what I was doing, not know if it was me.

My bad...

 

Just kidding, it felt awesome !

- Personally signed autobiography, Potter, I hope you enjoy it. 

I know he won't. And the look he had meant he knew I was the one aping an enamoured fangirl.

Why don't you give it to Hermione for her to enjoy for the time. 

Pretty sure it won't last.

Not with her sense of justice and the truth coming out in the future.

 

 

- Bet you like that Potter, wanna sign us autographs before the Daily front page comes out ?

The smirk on my face was good.

- Leave him alone, he didn’t want all that ! said his future wife.

Congratulations for your first speech's impression, girl.

We all knew, it was the first time she had spoken in front of Harry.

We then went from me bullying Ginny to me not responding to Ron's attacks.

I won't bother you with Sherlock Rolnes' interrogation skills. Or lack of... Go watch some Backer Street shows then come back... Douche. 

Then came a disgusting moment, as Mr Weasley confronted my father.

Can the two of you come down to fight fast ?

I felt like I had a horrifying flesh-eating slug on my shoulder.

The disgust on my face was real and I didn't hide it. Even if people around me, him included, thought it was because I looked at Potter, the Weasley's and Granger's families, and that I agreed with the bullshit my father ranted on.

It did enhance my bullying act.

It lasted until he took his hand of my shoulder to use his fists against Mr Weasley.

Come on, go for it, I cheered loudly in my mind only alas, jab, now cross. Take your chances. Block with your left, careful of his right. Change your passion for glory. There back hook, followed with a regular hook, more jabs, block.

All the while that third wheel kept asking for pictures to boost his sales.

 

My champ' and that loser's fight overflowing on the store books and almost on the spectators must have been what prompted the referee's intervention.

 

He used all his height and strength to grab them both by their collars, like a lioness would do for her cubs, separating them.

 

The fight voided, the crowd, me and the fighters waited on his ruling.

 

What do you mean it's a tie ?

 

Come on Ref, my boy red-Sylvester kept rising up to the challenge of our rival. You've got to raise his arm and declare his victory as the last known survivor. Just a man and his will to survive.

 

Damn, there he goes. Because HE wasn't declared the whiner winner (he was in my mind), that blond asshole went and placed that princess' diary in Ginny's cauldron.

Talk about a grown man taking it on a kid.

She's eleven !

 

Let's just say we didn't last long in the store after all of that.

My father almost dragged me out of it before apparating us back to the manor.

---

My father quickly got my mother to tend to his wounds. It wasn't dangerous or life threatening alas. Just bruises and contusions. The worst two being a black right eye from a well placed/deserved left hook and a bleeding nose.

That one made my holidays. He looked like a blond vulture with his crooked nose. Right until the Ste Muggo's nurse came to fix it.

Ah, money.

Sometimes it messes up the most perfect art.

To up my mood, I went to my room, to work on this year's books, (already copied in my notebook, I also had to copy the Lockhart's collection into it too alas). I studied the glass eye I just bought, worked on the glasses I had plan for and my other crafting projects.

I may not be up to their game level in pranks, but Fred and George are not the only ones creating things.

---

As my friends, the trolls and I boarded the train after our goodbyes to our families, I noticed immediately that Hermione was looking through every compartments to find her missing red and black pets, while Neville looked for his green.

As she was still looking for them when the train departed I knew that my house-elf performed his self imposed protection duty.

Taking my watch out immediately, I pretended to be bored and that I was checking the driver's punctuality, while in fact I was busy sending a message to the headmaster.

Don't get me wrong. I knew the duo would need the "wild car" against the acromantulas, but it could be worked around. Here I only wanted to test if I could prevent Mr Weasley from getting the fine.

People think canon-Draco was mean, but really, when you look at the duo's thoughts pattern. It's not far from the trolls. I don't remember whose fault it was between the two for this disastrous idea.

Oh no, the gateway to plate from nine and three quarters is blocked !

No way we could just wait for all the parents and the railroad employee to exit the platform to help us. The arch must be blocked forever. The Ministry of Magic Department of Magical Accidents and Catastrophes witches and wizards won't ever be able to fix it.

The parents will obviously apparate directly to their home, Mr and Mrs Weasley included, not caring for their car. They're so rich they can buy one everyday and dump it on a whim every evening. They won't even worry at all about the two young wizards of course.

What do you mean they have an owl ? Yes it's white, and right here in the cage. They have to bring it to school with them as soon as possible with their luggage. It still won't solve their problem.

Now, they will never be able to go to school again.

You do know, nobody ever went to school by some other way.

It's not like the Hogwart Express was stolen from muggles and implemented by law to prevent students to use any other way of transports against the strong disapproval of the pureblood families.

Brooms, floo-powder, apparating in Hogsmeade then taking a short walk to the castle, portkeys, secret passages, thestrals, hippogriffs, white french alcoholics Abraxans, old sea vessel, flying motorbike, or even the knightbus... (I won't count the vanishing cabinet, future me still have to fix them).

I would simply have sent the house-elves as there is about a boatload of them and apparating wasn't restricted for them.

Stop trying to find an other way, it won't work, nobody ever went to school after September the first.

They close the gates permanently for a year. Never opening them again to go to Hogsmeade every weekend or for holidays.

Anybody wonders how Hagrid goes from his shack to the castle?

No, their only safe way in will be to take the wheel, to use an illegal flying car, switch on a faulty invisibility-cloaking device and cause problems to everyone. Every twelve years old child know how to drive.

A response came on my watch, telling me not to worry.

I hope professor Dumbledore will be able to help them. If not, Mr Weasley was in for some big problems.

 Oh, I just remembered something. 

Didn't the two idiots pulled a TBBT's Penny on the car ?

I seemed to remember that the engine didn't fare well after all the time they used it without interruptions. It started to make noises and all of that.

The red light on the dashboard mean " check your engine". 

A long uneventful trip later, as nobody saw anything else than birds flying in the sky from their seats in the train, we finally arrived at Hogsmeade station. Unlike the previous year, I made us spend our time in the restaurant car. Why wouldn't we enjoyed the fine refined food and beverage provided on board. Do they have a cattle truck wagon ? The trolls really embarrassed us with their lack of manners. Effie Trinket would feint.

While Hagrid was rounding up the first years, including Luna and Ginny, the oldest students went to the carriages. Some gazed at what was waiting to pull it.

Thin.

Almost illy skeleton thin winged horses. 

 All of black color. 

They looked like the nightmares from the Gardians animation movie. But with reals eyes. 

Sad eyes.

I pretended to see nothing as I boarded our coach. 

I caught a glimpse of Hermione, worried sick about the missing parts of the tricycle.

When every student was accounted for, the thestrals started running without the need for a coachman. 

Exceptional job on their training Hagrid.

The view from the castle wasn't as imposing as the one you got from the lake. But I still enjoyed it as one of the most beautiful view I ever seen. 

For those of you worried about the grand thieves auto, unlike in canon the sorting hadn't started yet when they arrived and landed on a flat spot, stoping crashing against an imposing and beautiful old tree.

I only learned about it a day later, and it made my day.

They in fact almost got seen by the students from second to seventh year as they arrived in the coaches.

Their only saving grace ?

A rodeo-clown made a show at the entrance. He didn't fare well against the Peeves-bull alas and had to go hange as fast as he could. And redo his hair. 

Where did that poltergeist got the idea of mixing flour to make a water bomb.

Don't point me. I would have to confess. Lol. 

The tremor of the duo's landing and the wind in the branches and leaves shaked the tree a little.

Unless it was the slight crash against it.

(Please note the car was still invisible)

It must have been one of these solutions.

Tree don't move do they ? 

Looking at his beast friend Ron started.

- We've to find a way to sneak insi...

WHOSH !

CRASH ! 

The wild branch wipped the car's window. Provoking it in throwing out everything it had inside it's doors or car boot by the angry and vexed vehicule.

The escaped duo found themselves on their back on the ground, each pressed down by their own trunk. 

They uselessly tried to push their luggage away, but it's weight prevented them to. 

Wailing their limbs like the Whomping Willow above them. They failed to recognize the gravity of their situation.

Yes I mean the physical phenomenon AND their present situation.

After repeating their tentatives for what seamed like a full comedy show but must have been mere minutes the branches stopped moving and their trunks no longer applied their weight on their chests. 

Feeling delighted after all their predicaments, their good mood was obliterated by the voice they heard behind them. 

A teacher's voice.

The one and only professor you DON'T want to go across in this dare situation. 

Yeah. HER.

What do you mean with professor Snape ?

Eh, I never once talked about my house head tonight.

It's theirs that's about to rain thunder on their sorry arses.

The duo's past action regularly landed them on the professor's bad side. Earning them one of her thin-lips-angry-smile students knew foresaw a coming storm.

The look she gave them that night, was one announcing a raging class five hurricane.

They didn't even dare to speak under that scarry gaze. 

A flick of her wand and their luggage were gone, including Hedwig's cage.

Coming straight to them (they flinched), she silently stroked them once each on top of their heads. Making them disappear with a desillusionment spell. 

- Professor, tried Harry. 

- Silence and follow me you two. She interrupted him in a cold voice.

She led them straight to her office. Their luggage and Hedwig's cage were there already.

- Explain yourselves and please tell me why I shouldn't ask the headmaster to expell the both of you this instant. 

The following discussion went like in canon, with the two realizing their brainless stupidity.

As Dumbledore exited the office, (just like in canon but minus professor Snape), professor McGonagall called an house-elf to bring the idiots a meal.

They didn't understood at first but she kindly explained it to them.

They were to stay part of the night in her office, in sleeping bags. Then pretend to have arrived later in the evening. 

The duo's faces lighted up thinking she forgave them by now but she shut them down as fast.

- Don't misunderstood me you two. I'm not exonerating you for this folly. I'm only helping your father excape the magnitude of consequences your family would have suffered. You will go to your room later this night.

A short while later, she came back in the Great Hall, guiding this year's new students.

---

The following morning, without anyone having to tell anything, the whole school was buzzing with the secret news. Like as always at Hogwarts. 

Ron Weasley drove Harry Potter to school in his stolen father's car. 

Said car, a bewitched Ford Anglia went ferral after the duo drove it straight in the Whomping willow.

The students were half in awe half mocking them for their acts.

I understood why.

- Potter believe himself so important he has to be drived to school by his chauffeur. He can't travel with the others mundane folks like us. Weasley's so poor he had to accept the job to help his parents eat and clothe themselves. 

It wasn't even the meanest thing I did. 

No that speech was topped by the one I secretly gave to our new Dada teacher. 

- I think Potter's driven by his fame seeking feelings, to be the center of attention, unlike you sir. It would be kind of you to take him under your wing. Show him what's like to be a real celebrity. And all that's implied by that. 

Oh, yeah before I forgot. 

Ron got two mails that morning.

A howler from his mom and a chauffeur's hat, from me.