Book 2, Chapter 04, Dreadful Morning 

September the 2nd, 1992, Tuesday.

Hogwarts' Castle, Great Hall.

The following morning,

All was fine for the Slytherins,

As I looked at the lion's table,

Appreciating how they were laughable.

 

Yes, I was feeling like a poet that day.

There's nothing like waiting for something bad to happen to people you like to mess up, when you know the shit won't splash on you.

As I told you, without anyone having to tell anything, not like I spoke about it during my morning sales as I didn't have any during the train ride, asking the ones coming to me to keep it secret.

The whole school was buzzing with the secret news. Like as always at Hogwarts.

 

Ron Weasley drove Harry Potter to school in his stolen father's car. Luckily for them, none of the muggles please-men caught sight of them, as underage driving is forbidden and heavily punished. 

 

I misspoke the policemen's name on purpose. How would a pure blood like me knows it's exact spelling ?

Good thing with rumours ?

No one questioned me on how I got to know they stole the car.

Or that they got to school late during the night.

How do you think that idiot McMillan will get away spreading his "truth" ?

So, I was appreciating breakfast with my housemates, watching the news circulate among the students. (Small crowds were forming and dissolving here and there, spreading my lie).

While I did this, Millicent was reading one of that fool's books. (I will have to explain the hard truth to the girl. Can't have her wasting her time and feelings). Daphne was writing a letter to her sister. Pansy was scolding a third year who almost tipped the orange juice jar over her. And the trolls were behaving like pigs in front of their troughs. I won't take them to the restaurant car next time.

Like always, the day following the start of the school year was always a spectacle of owls bringing from their homes whatever the students forgot there.

Neville, having packed his stuff by himself, would be a contestant every single year and holidays, receiving mails from his grandma.

Speaking of the difference between the "almost-squib" and the trolls.

Small detail.

Do you know the trolls never once forgot a thing at home ?

They also never once in their life packed their luggage themselves.

Do you think there could be a link ?

I wonder...

 

So, about that famous non-flying car. 

Everyone knew it was a bewitched (like all wizards' and witches' vehicule) Ford Anglia that went feral after the duo drove it straight in the Whomping willow.

That and the fact that the carjackers drove it relentlessly for hours without break.

The students were half in awe half mocking them for their acts.

I understood why.

- Potter believe himself so important he has to be drived to school by his chauffeur. He can't travel with the mundane folks we are. For Weasley, he's so poor he had to accept the job to help his parents eat and clothe themselves this month. 

It wasn't even the meanest thing I did, but I had a reason.

A good one.

Rumours, storytelling, etc.

The first one out was always the hardest to crush.

Best to get your version of the truth out first.

Why wasn't it the meanest thing I did ?

Like the mighty Zeus, holding the ⚡ and seating on his throne among the other gods on the Olympus, I only had to speak one sentence to condemn the mortal young hero to a long and perilous series of trials each one more cruel than the other.

"Unleash the Lockhart"

You see, that speech about Harry's behaviour above was only topped by the one I secretly gave to our new Dada teacher impersonator, just before breakfast.

"I think Potter's driven by his fame sicking feelings, to be the centre of attention, unlike you sir. It may be jealousy on his part. It would be kind of you to take him under your wing. Show him what's like to be a real celebrity. And all what's implied by that". 

As Ton Ellis would say : 

"Enjoy your eternity of suffering"

MUAHAHAHAH ! ! !

(Too bad I will never know if they did a sixth season of his show or not). 

 

I feel like I forgot something funny.

 

Oh, yeah, the mails Ron got that morning, yes.

 

I contacted madame Malkin and her assistants last night and arranged for a chauffeur's hat to be fast delivered first thing that morning. (I payed a substantial fee for a rushed order of course, I'm not one to look down on people's job). 

Premium express mail's owls are always the first to enter the great hall, being the fastest of their kind. But, even without the express fee included, any normal owl would have won the race against THAT owl.

My delivery was done right now. I could just wait for the canon-one.

There he is with his BFF Maverick on his side. Opening my present not knowing what it is yet .

Oh, pink ears !

He understood and looked at me. Cheers pal ! (I raised my glass of juice to salute him). That got him angry. Lol.

He was so focused on me and my present he totally missed the old flying mop about to crash.

Errol miraculously came to Hogwarts.

Bouncing first on Neville's head  (poor guy got his head bashed on his marmalade toast), before dropping his "bomb" on Ron's plate, then "sea-landing" in the milk jug in front of Hermione. It splashed milk everywhere including on her book on vampires from the crook. (That got her angry).

Poor Ron kept looking at the howler neither able to open it nor throw it away.

- Someone got an howler ! I yelled. Bringing the entire hall attention on him.

Bully award of the year ! Everybody got up to see and listen to the incoming massacre, blocking my view.(Ravenclaw and Hufflepuf both in the way). You might not know it, but it was a normal behaviour at Hogwarts. I didn't see who got to play Hasselhoff for the drowning pet.

 

The howler started to fume and Ron had finally decided to open it before the worst happened.

 

"RONALD BILIUS WEASLEY ! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING STEALING THE CAR, I WOULDN’T HAVE BEEN SURPRISED IF THEY’D EXPELLED YOU, YOU WAIT TILL I GET  HOLD OF YOU, I DON’T SUPPOSE YOU STOPPED TO THINK WHAT YOUR FATHER AND I WENT THROUGH WHEN WE SAW IT HAD GONE …’ 

Her voice was magically enhanced to yell in the Great hall. So much that it made everything trembled in the hall from the chairs and tables to the magical roof, making it let go of dust it accumulated over the years.

As everything was shaking under her voice. (The furniture with the vibrations of her voice, the people... Just laughing) The whole hall could appreciate the poor victim dreadful morning. 

Don't bother hiding. We can still see your hair. 

You're a Weasley. If I could quote myself. 

 

 "I RECEIVED A LETTER FROM DUMBLEDORE LAST NIGHT, I THOUGHT YOUR FATHER WOULD DIE OF SHAME, WE DIDN’T BRING YOU UP TO BEHAVE LIKE THIS, YOU AND HARRY COULD BOTH HAVE DIED …’ 

Oops, the gold bug saw something interesting for him. 

"... ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTED, YOUR FATHER IS TOO ASHAMED TO FACE HIS COLLEAGUES AT WORK. IT’S ENTIRELY YOUR FAULT YOUR WAND IS BROKEN. WAIT TILL I GOT MY HANDS ON YOU. IF YOU PUT ANOTHER TOE OUT OF LINE WE’LL BRING YOU  STRAIGHT BACK HOME.’ 

As I left the hall to go to first period, I saw Colin Creevey dive on Harry, starting his career as a paparazzi.

For myself, I had to use my friends as a shield to avoid Emma Vane who started to develop a crush on me last year. No idea if she's related to Harry's stalker Romilda, but I better watch out for her. Just in case. Especially as she was the core of the girls that started an appreciating group about me.

(It's an appreciating group. NOT A FAN GROUP ! And for what it's worth, Harry's is bigger).

The rest of my house-mates and I had to get ready to fight for our lives.

I mean, really ? The Moron on a first day ? First Hour ? What did I do to deserve that ?

(Rhetorical, should one of you answer I will have the culprit proof read and edit the troll homework from now to the epilogue. Or even later if I can).

Millicent was beyond herself when we went to see him, seating herself on the front row.

Luckily as one of my inner circle friend, she didn't need to fight over it with the others. I would have to talk to her at lunch discreetly. The other girls too.

Just like in canon, that guy tried to appear cool and brave. Nobody ever told him smiling was useless. 

He cleared his throat to request the silence. He reached for Millicent's copie of his Vampiristic lie.

How can someone be so narcissistic ? 

- Me, Gilderoy Lockhart, Order of Merlin, Third Class, Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defence League and five times winner of Witch Weekly’s Most-Charming-Smile Award – but I don’t talk about that. I didn’t get rid of the Bandon Banshee by smiling at her!’

Can I tell you a secret professor ? Whant to know the best way not to talk about something ? 

Don't fracking talk about it everytime you open the dumpster you call your mouth.

BTW. I NEED to vaccine Millicent before it's too late.

That girl actually giggled.

The other two weren't far behind, alas. But she got it worst.

- I see you’ve all bought a complete set of my books – well done.

Yeah, not like you were the one who told/forced us to buy them to leach the galleons out of us. 

He pooped (not a typo) us his famous quiz and for once Daphne and I weren't the only two to ace it.

Call 911, Milicent is down.

Zabini was looking at him with jealousy. Clearly recognizing all the tricks needed to catch your target's attention. He wasn't his mother's son for nothing.

The trolls were the only two who weren't affected.

Not sure if it was a good or bad sign.

He awarded us one of his pompous smiles and ten points each for our good answers. 

He then bent to reveal a cage and after "theatrically" revealed the pixies, proceeded to unleash unsupervised and uncontrollable chaos in the room.

Even if I would have preferred to clean the castle moat by hand than doing what I was about to I needed to help my classmates and focus the bull's attention on me. 

This creatures were blue electric, eight inches high with pointed faces. Shrilled voices too. 

The moment he opened the cage, I shooted. 

- Retecaptus. My wand was pointed straight to the cage the moment I finished the incantation and it's movement. 

A black and sticky net shot from it fast, capturing the first doxies to excape their cage and landing then sticking to it.

The whole class was looking at me as I standed there, immobile.

I then sheathed my wand slowly and methodiculously, as if what I just accomplished was something anyone but a Lockhart could do. 

- Merlin's pant ! A big road of applause for our young prodigy. That was magnificly done young boy. It looked exactly like what I did myself in some of my fights against the dark forces. We will have to work on your spelling and your stance but don't worry. Your fantastic teacher will be right next to you along the way.

He had managed to grab both my shoulders by then and pull me in front of all the other students.

His hands still on my shoulders, he smiled and conned his pupils.

I for myself was fighting the urge to puke on his shoes. Could pull it off I knew. Was way much harder as a toddler. 

I kept thinking about the Barbie dolls. Do they have cramps to their zygomatics as they're forced to smile ?

For the rest of the class, I had the privilege to act as the various villains in his books. 

He even kept me in his class during lunch to talk about my career choices and how he could help me along them.

Keep calm Draco, think of it as training for latter when you will have to encounter the pink frog, your aunt and her master. 

I was so pissed by the end of our discussion, that by the time I reached the great hall, I lashed at the first hero I saw and pulled him along me in the abyss. 

Signed photos.

Yep I ratted to him on you. Enjoy my suffering.

That afternoon, I was able to continue my perfect student implementation by giving a guaiacum sanctum teething ring to the Venomous Tentacula. It's also called ironwood. So dense it can't float. And hard like, well iron. 

I made it so it smelled of the same insects it feeded on. It's tentacles were hugging and fondling it as it chewed it's ring happily.

Professor Sprout's eyes on me were shinning. Way happier than they were after having to support a visit from the fool this morning. 

I knew I was able to score some points with her. Enough to acquire some mandrakes at some points. (Restorative qualities against curses guys, check with Hermione).

Oh, and I did bagged twenty points, but my attention was on Zabini's jealous and vicious look he shot at me.

I may have created my hate-rival. 

Not like my frenemy Harry, but a real rival. Knowing his mom. I may have to study antidotes fast...

Diner finished and back to the common room I decided to reveal some of what I knew of Lockhart secrets. (Only to the girls, you can't trust troll-toddlers).

- You all know I prepare all the year's lessons in advance, right ?

- Not like it's a surprise, so what ? Why wouldn't you want him to look into my sister's case ? You saw what he was able to, didn't you ?

- I saw yes. Or more precisely I saw and read everything he said incorrectly. That moron is a fraud. The whole staff loathe him. 

- Why would Dumbledore hire him if he was as bad as what you said ? What proof do you have against him ? Asked Daphne. She showed her trust in me, but still wanted an explanation. I clearly was using the points I earned in our past for her to trust me so much. The two other girls had doubts in their eyes.

- Look at the way he behave himself. He's a show-off. Only caring about appearances and his smile. He went to help professor Sprouts this morning, to tend to the Whomping willow after what these idiots did to it. She came back with some light wonds. His clothes didn't have a speck of dust. Look at what he did when that Potter's fanboy asked far a picture. Photobombed himself inside. He's more focused on promoting his books than teaching us anything. 

- Are you sure you aren't just pouty he asked you to play the werewolf ? Teased my best friend. 

Sighing, I answered.

- I don't want this idiot anywhere near your sister, not now not ever. Between the books he wrote, the ones others wrote, the interviews he gave and all the information tidbits I gathered. 

I can tell you there are one thousand four hundred ninety two errors proving he's lying. If my guess is correct, professor Dumbledore must have pulled him to shool for two reasons.

The first ? Unmask him. The second. Well, there wasn't any others candidates, so believe me. I will tell you one thing and one thing only. Any man who must say, "I'm the king" is no true king. That guy's only competences lay in storytelling... And some bad habbits. That guy is like a fortune teller always trying to stick whatever tale he sold you to the reality even when it's not related.

Wait. Didn't he/the actor marry the actress playing THAT fortune teller ? Then proceeded to cheat on her with my aunt/Helena ? I will kill myself before I have to call him uncle.

Little did I know something was happening while we were walking in my room. Something I didn't have control on.