Book 2, Chapter 07, A.K.A... the Lockhart's Comedy Show : When those who teach don't know.

Notices had been spread on the different boards for each respective house, informing all the students.

The news about this new club had reached every nook and corner of the castle faster than anything this year. 

Keep in mind it was posted less than forty-eight hours after I suggested him the idea.

A duelling club was opening.

It lead to all the students waiting for the teacher in charge to show up that Sunday morning. 

Not knowing it was literally the only thing he could and would do...

After years of absence, a duelling club once more took place at Hogwarts. 

The three other houses were spread along the room around the pedestal. Whispering excitedly between them.

Mine was showing an united front. Not that it was really the case. 

Fractions had started to appear among our house. It emerged between the Malfoy's Faction and the Zabini's one, dividing the house in two parts. I would have to take that into account for the later parts of my plans. 

 

So, after "Look-at-me-I'm-the-best" made his entrance, followed by professor Snape, the students grew silent. 

They really wanted to experience seeing a real magic duel. 

What spell would be used ?

Transformation ?

Charms ?

Defence against the dark arts ?

The moment professor Snape used his Expelliarmus spell most of them understood. 

Circus-Arts-Clown-Edition. 

Not what they expected, before seeing who their club president was supposed to be.

Yeah, they lost most of their delusions.  

Said club president didn't even notice me aping and mocking him.

The girls were still a little baffled by his ineptitude to perform the most basic spell.

Seeing him trying to justify himself like a fortuneteller caught being wrong... Priceless.

Wait didn't he marry Trelawney's actress ?

Soon it all came down to Harry and me facing each other.

After cursing each other with Tarantallegra and Rictusempra, we were still willing to continue but our bout may have scared the chicken...

Professor Snape took charge while the other one cock-a-doodled. A simple Finite Incantatem and we were ready to start over.

Soon the other students were duelling each other too.

Double knock-out for Neville and Justin. No idea how.

Ron held his broken-wand's poor victim Seamus while apologizing.

Hermione and Millicent were locked up in a cat fight.

...

Cat fight...

Cat fight...

Why would I think about this particular expression for their fight ?

Strange.

Lol.

Now the moron was trying to play teacher in front of all of us.

Not knowing how to do it at all.

Fortunately, single looks from the other real teacher present was all it took to forward the bleeding cases toward the infirmary, while the more plain ones were left to rest on the side.

My trolls (Daphne's words, not mine. What does she think they are ? My rabid-brainless-puppies ?) were laying half on the ground, half against the wall, both of them with an impressive black eye. 

They apparently tried to move and fight-dance like the members of the Order of the Phoenix and the Death Eater will do in the movies (it was a fracking choreographic fight).

But they are, well, trolls...

Remember what happened to the poor bloke who tried to teach waltz to this specie's members... It didn't end well...

Then it was time for Our Fight.

After some slight quibs against Neville from my house head, I ended up facing Harry.

Lockhart was over himself as the two eternal rivals were put against each other.

Professor Snape whispered professor Dumbledore's advice in my hear.

Harry's "self-imposed-coach" tried  to give him some tips, but as he said himself, his wand was a little over-exited and dropped by itself. 

Yeah. Blame the tools, not the fools.

Harry was quick to use some jabs against him, but the fool's thick skin prevented any moral damage. 

Ready to battle each other, we waited for the stooge's signal.

- Serpensortia ! ! !

Or, how to totally miss appearing as a hero and get branded as a Dark Lord...

Lockhart is rubbing his bad side on you pal.

Come on, how would everyone else would have played it ?

Placing yourself between the snake and it's target ?

Make a sign for the snake's target to get AWAY while you talked to it ?

Make a sign for the snake to come towards you while you talk to it ?

Make a "stop-sign" (one of the few universal signs with drinking, eating and fuck-you) with you hand in front of the snake while you talk to it ?

Seeing and not understanding his surrounding looks Harry was grabbed by his bodyguard/PR director, who then rushed him outside.

You could see here the worst way ever to take care of this PR problem. (Stupid Ron. I'm not blaming Hermione she's a noob/muggle for this part).

What would have happened should Loyal-Good-Harry to speak in a Dungeon & Dragon lingo), speak his innocent-honest-mind ?

Most (even if not all) people would have heard and seen the truth. 

Which would be better than the current situation.

Blond-wizard-blabbler-mouth started badmouthing doctor Doolittle as soon as he left the room. Talking about all the Parsletong-bad-wizards he vainquished.

I got everyone out of here. No use listening to him.

---

As we exited the club's room, most of my housemates discussed The Big News. Harry Potter was a Parsletong. 

It opened a whole can of questions nobody had answers to. But still love to gossip about.

Was he a Slytherin's secret descendent ? Of course. Only one wizard ever got this power. Gaunt family ? India and south-Asia ? No idea who you're talking about. 

Did he have some other famous ancestor ?

Did he knew black arts ?

Nobody knew how he vanquished the dark Lord. Was it some unknown dark spell ? That argument got a yellow student pushing for it and none of the green ones (those were divided on whether to bring him in the green house or not).

Yellow-dude, did you borrow Lockhart's brain ?

Yeah I'm talking about you, mister special investigations agent Ernie McMillan and your protection services.

A real Hogwarts' Inspector Cluzo. I'm talking about the movie Pink Panther with Jean Reno. And no, contrary to the movie counterpart, that one was just a brain-dead fool.

Was he related to our teacher ?

I need to check if the magic world has a tool to check existing family relatives. It would be useful in the future.

So, after we reached our common room, I sprawled myself on a couch.

My tired nerves were getting on me at that point. I had to be sure to act appropriately for this part. Knowing it was a crucial point of the second narrative arc. Don't get me wrong, I trust professor Snape perfectly. It's the other one I'm always worrying about. 

The girls all sat on the three other couches around the small table. (Couches go by groups of four). The trolls grabbed some cushioned chairs to put it near our group.

I don't want to appear racist but what the hell did the Patil twins had to say about Parsletong's wizards and witches ? Had nobody thought to ask them ? Not like it was a common occurrence in India... I know they're part British, but they had both cultures. Check their dresses in the fourth movie's ball...

Do you want to know the truth ?

To know why the Patil twins girls didn't talk about Indian Parsletong ? 

The truth was that they didn't dare voice it out. Even in their own house... Poor girls.

My house had different reactions.

Mainly because of me.

I had to explain, being in earshot of the rest of the room, that most Parsletongs today were from India and the neighbouring region of south-Asia. Potter with his family had small chances to be from this part of the world. Even with the muggle side of his family. But who knows ?

Britain didn't have many Parsletongs families. Most of them kept their skills secret.

What we know is that, every known Parsletong in the past pretended to be a relative of Salazar Slytherin. Yeah, it didn't help them or their cases. Or their end...

---

While this was taking part, we kept our schedules of lessons, quidditch training and revisions. 

But the rest of the story advanced way faster than I expected. 

I only discovered this details later after some investigations, (I didn't expect canon to move so fast behind my back and was blindsided. I mean the first attack was supposed to be on Halloween) but Hagrid's roosters were all killed on the same day.

Something that should have happened along the course of some weeks.

It inevitably lead to the biggest event of the year, right at the start of October.

 

THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED. 

ENEMIES OF THE HEIR, BEWARE.

The message was found next to the caretaker's cat. Petrified. It's owner crying and shouting bloody murder to every single one of his enemies.

Which meant his list only included the whole student's corp...

This time however, Harry wasn't accused directly.

Or alone.

It happened the following morning at breakfast.

That photographer Creevey had been found petrified next to the cat.

The teachers had a talk next to poor Colin. About how he was unlucky to have been on his way back from one of his photography's club meeting. How his club members (he was it's president) were shocked and currently crying. (A few of them were sad for his sorry state, the others ? Keep reading).

A lone yellow student-special agent stated that because Colin wasn't only stalking Harry or doing it alone, another student had to be labeled as a suspect by his investigations skills and deduction process. A real police work prowess.

So, it was someone that never got accused publicly of being a possible heir, not even by the trio in the canon at that point.

This poor innocent student was put on the suspect list following Cluzo's claim that only two persons could consider Creevey as an enemy. 

- They BOTH must be the heirs. 

Why didn't the painted message list multiple heirs ?

- To blur their tracks of course !

There he was trying to pull a Conan Edogawa but really he was spitting more nonsense than Castle and Lucifer put together. Without their funny and charming sides.

- They must have collided together secretly to plan and attack students from the start. Pretending to be enemies to mislead their fellow students.

Truly a Machiavellian plan.

Thanks the founders yellow-student was here for our sake.

The name of the heirs ?

Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy.

Insert mega-facepalm here...

And I know who I will curse next...

I will extend the list to anyone among you who quote the Draco/Harry's-couple fanfics. 

That moron provoked Daphne's and Pansy's milk spittake on me and Millicent that very morning during breakfast.

Millicent was so startled by the news, she couldn't protest the improvised shower as she chocked on a grape.

(I cleaned us and patted her back strongly to dislodge it. It was a total blockade of her airways).

Only ones not affected were the trolls. They were pigging out their food... And weren't listening.

The photography's club members were, for the most part, wondering who would take the pictures they wanted now, if Colin's camera still worked, if they could borrow it and what they would have to do to get a new camera if they couldn't.

Really girls ? His corpse is still warm and you lot are playing vultures...

Oh, yeah, as soon as she got her mind back online, Daphne hit me with the couple thing. But she's my childhood's friend, you're NOT.

Millicent and Pansy may had another spittake at that moment. Which I dodged.

Some students, present at the time of the discovery, talked about how Creevey's camera had a melted film inside. (A remake of an earlier conversation from another table). His attacker could not be seen on the remains of the film.

Clearly a proof of dark magic according to the lead inspector and his technical blond and shiny smiley staff. You can trust them, they're DADA experts.

Really... Are they stupid 24/7 or do they sleep at night ?

From what the teachers put together from the attacks, Mrs Norris was hit first, then the student who tried to take a picture of it second.

I think Ginny must have used the journal more often and intensely than in canon. Especially with the fangirls Harry and I still had following us every time. Her pouring her soul and feelings inside it more intensely must have started the big-bad-boss activation and strengthened him earlier than predicted.

Oh. That ass Zabini also took a stand and proclaimed the canon-Draco-declaration. Predicting a "Mudblood" bloodbath next.

Was that enough to get him listed as a suspect ? NO ! For him it's "innocent until proved guilty". 

How the hell did they come to this conclusions ?

I know Creevey was annoying.

He pestered Harry and me constantly, taking pictures of us and our friends. But to try to kill him for that ?

Yes, I jinxed him.

Tongblock and Petrificus Totallus, so nothing armful.

And it was warranted.

The dude was way more annoying than in canon as he got boosted by both our fanclubs demanding pictures and news. Less than three weeks of this treatment and he behaved like a paparazzi from the Sun tabloid...

He even proposed shootings to his clients. He would make sure they were in the frame when he took a picture of Harry or me.

He even managed to impose a truce in the club. No inner fighting over Harry and me.

Permanent banishment for those who broke the rules.

(The mentioned banishment included no more possibility to get pictures, even from an acquaintance. If the acquaintance-accomplice helped an ex-member even to let them see a picture, she would be banished too).

Talk about an iron-fist rule. 

So, I may or not wanted him to sleep on his mistakes...

Pun intended.

---

News of me on the suspect list of heirs reached my parents. With predictable reactions.

My mother freaked out and threatened to sent me to Durmstang for my security and my moral well-being, until my father talked to her. Not sure what he told her, but she calmed down. A little.

My father just told me to lay low. That the heir would not hurt me as I'm a pureblood.

Yeah, I should show TMR my pureblood club member pass, pretty sure he would never want to kill me during one of his tantrums.

Also told me that I should stay away from his mission and path as much as possible. 

---

I think it should also be noted that professor Dumbledore was the one to discover the first two victims. He was walking the corridors on his way to the kitchen to ask the house-elves for a lemon sherbet. It was a welcomed random encounter that put him on the path of Colin and Mrs Norris. Allowing him to check for their safety as soon as possible. And possibly preventing Slytherin's heir to finish the job.