Book 2, Chapter 08, One more thing.

May the best team loose.

So, some of you may have wondered why that obvious scam was allowed against a poor Hogwarts' employee.

The one looking like a telemarketing add, promising wonders and marvels to it's users. 

Telling them the before/after picture will make them go from Goyle to Merlin.

Well, Kwikspell is not a scam.

And no, I'm not receiving subsidies from them or their mother company. 

It's just that it's only targeted for a specific portion of the wizarding community. Even muggles had their version of it.

I'm not lying.

Go to any bookstore and ask for "XXXX (insert domain or skill here) For Dummies".

Yeah, those muggles books, you muggles all have them. Real best sellers.

Whatever the skill set they sell inside, some people are still too dumb to learn.

As for the magic world ? The same. Lockhart would have made a killing writing them. Should he had been competent. And depending on the buyers. Like I said, some people are still too dumb to learn, remember the trolls ?

I make an exception for the squibs. For them it's really not their fault.

They don't have an ounce of magic in them. They wouldn't even be able to launch some accidental magic.

I mean, even "Self-trust issues Neville" was able to bounce on the ground saving its own life when his great uncle dropped from the window.

A lucky strike for the great uncle, in my opinion. Who do you think would have got to him first should the kid die ? The justice department of the M-O-M or Neville's vulture-stuffed grandma... Yeah, exactly... That woman fought head on against death eaters.

Harry I-don't-know-magic-is-real was able to apparate before eleven. It wasn't on purpose, but it still count.

So, I'm very sorry Filch but it won't work for you. Or for Mrs Figgs for what it matters.

 

 

Why do I ramble about it ?

Would you rather listen to Zabini's never ending probes, jabs and shouting explanations about why he's a more important and better player than I ?

Neither do I.

I would have more fun looking at an old episode of Columbo. (Not a sarcasm, I love the show). Minimal actions, no gunfights, just plain old Peter Falk zeroing on his suspect and annoying him/her. For our greatest pleasure.

"One more thing, my wife, she says to me...". 

I really miss that lieutenant.

- ... Are you even listening to me ? He asked angrily.

- Hm ? Sorry, it was too boring, so I didn't listen. Can you give me the gist of it ?

- Not listening ? Do you hear yourself ? Who do you think you're not to show respect to your teammates ?

- I think I'm expressing these teammates thoughts with my attitude. It's not like all our quidditch players except one pulled their very best during the match. Oh, sorry. Let me be absolutely precise. Everyone except you. If it was to get us this level of play, maybe it's you your mother should have bagged to Durmstang. Victor Krum is a good enough player, maybe he could rub some of his skills on you, even by mistake.

 

Zabini was fuming by that point, his face boiling with rage. He was clenching his fists, clearly wanting to punch me.

 

Why was he currently being berated ?

Well to explain that, we would have to flashback to this season's opening match that ended less than twenty minutes ago.

Slytherin against Griffindor. 

A spectacular showdown that the Slytherin's quidditch captain didn't quite find to his taste. He kind of didn't appreciate the seeker's performance during our first match.

Oh yeah, one tiny and insignificant detail.

Harry is only the youngest player of the last century.

I'm the youngest captain period.

And no, I didn't buy my position.

The brainstorming competition between me and Flint was... You could guess, special.

I didn't want to stage a coup, a revolution or whatever. I still ended with eleven voices in my favour.

Eleven ? (Five main team plus six from the reserve). The count is weird. I didn't count my choice, so who did Flint vote for ? Cause I know for a fact that Zabini would never vote for me.

Yeah, I know, Harry Potter™ hard-core fans will tell you, you can only be chosen for the position by the head of your house. The position can't be handed down with votes.

But it's kind of like what happened to me.

Truth was that after some training sessions, all but two (me included) players of the main and reserve teams, separately went to see our house head, pleading my cause.

So, the nominations were done, minus one veto nobody cared about, (in your face Zabini) and my promotion was announced.

We just kept the news private until the start of the match.

Stop being jealous Ron.

It's not like I've my private team.

Just kidding, it feels great.

From this day, the red, yellow and blue teams all thought that I bought the rank.

I only wanted to better the team.

What I proposed was for the main team and the reserve team to have matches between them (Told you about it, team A & B).

To establish tactics. Well, different ones than just punch the adversary and provoke a foul.

Merlin's pants. Quiddish is NOT rugby. Physical contact wasn't allowed. Guess the others found out that, for our house, using a brain wasn't limited to cutting one of it in pieces for potions.

All of it lead to my promotion, for Zabini's greatest displeasure.

Which he made known.

To everyone.

During the match.

Something for witch I reprimanded him. When it wasn't for the way he played. And he didn't like it at ALL.

And yes I'm talking about THAT match. The one Dobby rigged.

We were playing seven against four at some times with only one bludger loose on the field (the other had a date with Harry). We didn't even need to cheat.

Flint felt weird as it was the first time it happened to him during a match.

It still wasn't a big enough advantage for this foul to do his job.

I can totally understand Canon-Flint tearing canon-Draco a new one over it...

The way things were, Adrian was like my right hand in the team. He knew when to press an advantage and when to regroup for defence. He also had a functioning brain. But I'm repeating myself there.

Final score was one hundred and ten to two hundreds.

- If you really were a captain worthy of his name you would have been able to make us overtake them with the goals only.

- Overtake them ? Do you listen to yourself ? We were leading to the score by the end of the match. The first match for which I lead, I said. Look at the match's individual performances, I added, pointing to the match's parchments that Pansy, Daphne, Millicent and some other members of the Slytherin house not-my-fault-they-are-in-my-fan club kept on my demand.

(At least I found something useful to do with them and it obliged them to be serious and stop giggling)

- The match lasted fourteen minutes, during it sixteen times were the quaffle scored. Occasions were missed four times by mistake, the bludgers messed up twenty occasions, either by themselves or driven by the beaters. Keepers saved their respective teams nine times. That forty-nine times were the lion's and us fought over the quaffle. All of that in fourteen minutes. It mean that during the eight hundred and forty seconds of match, there were an action every seventeen point fourteen seconds. (So what if I failed to pull a Coach Carter ? I wasn't born a coach and I can't tutor the whole team. It was still a good movie. And for all ages because he didn't swear mother......)

He tried to interrupt me at this point, but I shushed him with my forefinger.

- I'm a new chaser who just entered the team and we still were able to resist the red trio knowing they have a great teamwork. In front of us is a team who learned to play together through the last two years.

Do you want me to show you the seekers' performances ?

Do you want me to show you how many times you got near the snitch during that time ? (I pointed to the parchment) Or diverted the opposing team attention with a feint ? Pulled Potter's attention from searching for the snitch ?

- He wasn't looking for it, he was busy evading that crazy bludger.

- And you didn't. Use. That. Time. At. All. You lost your time and countless occasions to strut in front of the red team's chasers and pout in front of the spectators.

- I won't let myself be abused by some blond peacock.

- You sure would make a perfect one yourself. Put your actions before your words. A team should never show discord and dissension in front of their adversaries, unless it's on purpose. A team member should never criticize another one in public. You tried to show of your flying skills for nothing and missed the snitch four times.

- Enough, both of you ! Interrupted professor Snape, entering our lockers followed by my father, my mother and Zabini's mom. Our screams must have reached them.

---

Another thing that started to become visible during the match was Harry's and mine fanclub downsizing.

Whispers, storytelling and badmouthing weren't appreciated by the fans.

I didn't even try to defend myself. Strange.

Actives members were :

- Lavender Brown.

- Cho Chang.

- Marietta Edgecomb. 

- Padma Patil.

- Emma Vane.

- Pansy Parkinson. (What are you doing here ?)

And some others from different houses.

---

Halloween. I prefer the normal feast to the ghost rotten one.

That Halloween feast was incredible.

Be it the food, the decorations, the happy mood. 

Everything was perfect.

Until that incompetent announced he found the Slytherin's heirS' new victim while coming back from changing his robe and washing his hair after a fake bat pooped on him in front of everyone patrolling.

(Owl deliveries really weren't checked at all, it was so easy to smuggle in dragon poop).

Peeves laughed so mutch above the cloud of bats that everyone thought it was him. I'll be magnanimous and concede the point.

Of course his sidekick, present in the great hall, accused absent-Harry and present-me right away.

Why was I here ? To get an alibi while my accomplice attacked that poor student.

So what if some ghosts said he was at another party ? He could have left unnoticed and came back.

All of it to target this person.

That student that went against me and my thirst for power.

A loyal, trusted and loved prefect. 

Percy Weasley.

My chaser's reflexes prevented me from showering my friends with my pumpkin juice. 

Thankfully, I twisted my neck and only the trolls were hit by my spittake.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome. I answered Daphne.

The rest of the Weasley's family were white as a sheet. Ginny was livid. Not knowing why their brother was attacked. Or his physical state.

Weirdly, I still don't understand why unlike for his canon-counterpart, attacking Percy (best friend's brother) would not be a taboo for Harry unlike targeting Hermione...

He really tried to interrogate me in the middle of the great hall during the evacuation.

Alas, a quick spell may have been launched targeting his shoe laces.

(It wasn't me, he really pissed of Daphne). 

As the rest of us were driven towards our respective common room, the Weasleys were escorted to the infirmary.

---

When the pranksters have an early Christmas.

l later learned a prefect girl from Ravenclaw asked to be able to see Percy.

Something about being his girlfriend.

These news may have put a smile on two pranksters' face.

Go figures.

---

"One more thing".

While walking towards our common room Daphne was asking me questions about the chamber of secrets. She knew I had copied a great number of the library's books.

I may have told her in earshot of a  wrongly accused lion and his pride, that I couldn't tell her in front of everyone. 

Do you think the lieutenant's three deputies may find some use for this information ?

Maybe launch an infiltration mission ?

---

What do you mean I forgot something ?

 

Oh.

What happened when professor Snape interrupted our dispute ?

 

Well, lets say he was quick to establish dominance over us.

Would you want to try contesting it ?

Our parents being present didn't spare us from having to reflect on our personal mistakes.

Zabini, as a seeker.

Me as a captain.

While Zabini's mom appeared please her son didn't end up kicked out of the team and having seen me humbled, my father and mother didn't react at all.

They later wrote me that my favourite teacher warned them he was only pulling a show.

Guess who had the perfect excuse to monopolize the quiddich field two evening each week, not counting weekend training sessions until our next match.

Hope you don't suffer from haemorrhoids Zabini. I'm going to really make you overuse your broom cushioning spell.

---

What follow next never happened.