Book 2, Chapter 13, It should have been "Soft Kitty, Warm Kitty".

By the time the trio got back to the castle, the morning was about to end. Students don't usually notice how big the forbidden forest is.

The argument they started in the car was still going on. Until they saw my friends and me at our table. 

Ron started looking at me with murder in his eyes. Really pal ? It wasn't my fault Hagrid's little pet project ended up being your phobia.

They started to talk between them with shushing gestures.

It was really "discreet", definitely not like Ron kept pointing at me accusingly and menacingly.

It all went on until Hermione told them something which apparently frightened them.

She then pointed towards Millicent and the trolls.

Ok, I know where this is going.

Thankfully, my watch was still perfectly functioning, even if the headmaster wasn't in the castle. A good thing with useful tools is when you don't forget to use them when they're at your disposal. Like a useless two-way communication mirror...

Some time later, their shenanigans, if I didn't get what their plan could have been, became clear, as we reached our common potion lesson.

I mean, it was really unlike her for Hermione not to sit at the front of the class.

Ron also managed to forcefully grab the desk in front of mine.

Not strange at all.

Does any of you think I should fear some repercussions for today's potion preparation process ?

 

Smile !

 

Today is not going to be a good day !

 

There were forty students in the class at that moment.

Twenty from the red and green houses each, two of us by cauldron, already steaming.

It was a little tiring as I had to constantly check my potion, the trolls' one and the duo who were about to launch their terror attack.

There !

While Goyle was busy counter stirring his potion while counting to four, which seamed like a wearisome exercise , I finally saw the moment I was waiting for.

I grabbed both of Daphne's arms and placed myself between our cauldron and her just in time.

That ass targeted me unlike in canon, and consequences could already be seen. My back had swollen like I had Hulk shoulders placed on the Flash skinny legs.

But I won't complain, I still had it better than Goyle and Zabini. His habit of coming near me to boast had him totally exposed when the firecracker exploded. The potion it him everywhere, be it the head, his hand, not his arms and his chest. 

It made him look like a mix between the bottom of a oompa loompa and the top part of the Thing from Marvel... (his hands were resting on the ground while standing normally).

Goyle took it all on his face, transforming him into an ugly bobbing head.

Wonder if there's a market for art so... artwful.

Zabini being in front of him almost entirely protected Crabbe who just got himself a really big hand.

Don't make jokes about it please.

He won't get them.

And I really don't want to be the one having to explain it to him.

 

Screams could be heard everywhere, from shock, pain, disgust, and contempt.

 

- Silence ! SILENCE ! Roared professor Snape.

 

- Anyone who has been splashed come here for a Deflating Draught. When I find out who did this…

 

I had to use my hands to support myself on the different desks, with half the class behind me.

It was complicated with my hands still small.

By the time I was back to my usual place in my usual form, I got to see Hermione coming back from professor Snape's personal reserve. Lucky for her, professor Snape's attention was focused on checking the well-being of their victims for he would have caught her red-handed. 

You know the worst part ?

I'm not pretty sure.

I KNOW she didn't get powdered bicorn horn and shredded boomslang skin.

Her problems.

;)

For me, I was focused on a personal and innocent vengeance. The duo looked so cute with their respective declarations on their back.

"Just Married !"

With a bewitched arrow pointing to the other one automatically.

It was a free adaptation I made from the "Point me" spell.

None of the red presents could read it for the moment alas. (I delayed the moment they would be able to notice it).

But they were the only ones.

Snickering could be heard from more and more green students, while professor Snape examined the remains of Goyle's potion.

The leftovers of the fireworks drew his ire.

- If I ever find out who threw this, he whispered, I shall make sure that person is expelled.

We all know pulling out an angel face is a necessary skill for a student, especially when there's a teacher you want to prank or that despise you for no reason. (Like coming in class holding my then girlfriend's hand, while others were almost fucking on their desks...)

So, can any of you explain why Harry looked like Pablo Escobar now ?

Even professor Snape was surprised and focused on him, luckily for the trio, it didn't last too long as the bell ended the lesson.

I pretended to stay in class for a private lesson and let my friends go to the library.

I needed to spy on them and see what their next actions would be.

Oh, Hermione bumped into Millicent on her way out, she's usually more careful.

 

- He knew it was me, Harry told Ron and Hermione, as they hurried back to Moaning Myrtle’s bathroom.

- We could tell, but it won't matter now, said Hermione triumphantly. 

The moment she got in front of her cauldron, she took her wand out and vanished the whole preparation.

- What did you do ? You said it was our only chance to get in the Slytherins' common room.

- That was before I was able to take this from professor Snape's reserve. She said, taking a small jar from her pocket. Polyjuice potion, ready to use.

How lucky could they be to have found it.

She carefully put it in the far corner of the bathroom, before taking a small vial from her other pocket and turning to face the other two.

 

- We still need a bit of the people you’re changing into, she said matter-of-factly, as though she was sending them to the supermarket for washing-powder. And obviously, it’ll be best if you can get something of Crabbe and Goyle’s; they’re Malfoy’s best friends, he’ll tell them anything. And we also need to make sure the real Crabbe and Goyle can’t burst in on us while we’re interrogating him. I’ve got it all worked out, she went on smoothly, ignoring Harry and Ron’s stupefied faces.

 

She held up two plump chocolate cakes.

 

- I will fill these with a simple Sleeping Draught. All you have to do is make sure Crabbe and Goyle find them. You know how greedy they are, they’re bound to eat them. Once they’re asleep, pull out a few of their hairs and hide them in a broom cupboard.

- What about you ? said Ron.

- I got it covered, she answered, showing them a black single hair inside. She always stay with the other two in the library when Draco isn't with them. You two just need to meet him at the end of his lesson with Snape.

OK, no use for me staying here, I can go wait for them and prepare my speech.

I quietly exited the girls bathrooms and went back to the dungeons.

A thing about the trolls, they asked me some months ago how to access the kitchens. Guess where the went every time they excused themselves from the sessions in the library ? Especially when I wasn't there to check on them ?

Hermione not having to make a lengthy preparation allowed the duo to easily intercept my goons, leaving them in one of the many cupboards of the school.

Back to the girls bathroom, they all used a portion of the potion, intending to change their clothes after that.

 

As I saw them reach the class when I "exited" it, I started the conversation.

- Ah, you're here, let's go back to the common room, I'm exhausted.

- Oh, erh, Ok. Stuttered Harroyle.

Cron was looking at me trying to guess if I saw through their disguises.

Should I burst their sweet bubble ?

Guys, I already said the best way not to be suspicious is to act naturally, not impersonate a robot-break-dancer.

Thanks to me, we reached the secret passage in the wall in no time. I then turned to them and asked innocently.

- What’s the new password again ?

 Oh, Merlin. The faces they pulled.

Hermione/Millicent pretended to be thoughtful to stay in character.

But the duo ?

MUAHAHAHAH.

They looked completely and utterly defeated. 

- Ah, yes, Pureblood.

I lead them through the secret passage to some chairs and seated myself like canon one did at the time. Not letting them give themselves away awing at my house common room's magnificence.

Oh, Did I mention Slytherin has a real secret passage, just like the Hufflepuff ? Ours looks like a normal wall. (the trolls got lost the first month), while the Hufflepuff's is hidden in a barrel among other barrels.

I won't be too hard on the Lions here, even with their bright idea to hide their entrance behind a painting, A.K.A the first place thieves would go looking during a heist, they still come third in the race. Dead last would be the smart and wise Ravenclaws whose secret passage is... a door. Someone should give them a dictionary, I think theirs is missing some pages at S.

I'm not a lying chauvinist, I perfectly know my house is second. We may have a secret passage, but the yellows and blacks have one with a defence's trap should you fail your identification.

Hope for the Carrows they won't forgot the password or they will end up drenched in vinegar.

(note to myself, I need a camera, a spell to hide it and to link it with the drenching)

- Merlin I'm tired I said yawning and looking around me with a boring look.

The duo finally stopped looking around themselves to take the last two of the couches. Hermione showed she really was the smartest as she imitated me only a few seconds after I did it.

I then pretended to have something hampering me on the couch. I pulled out a newspaper and stopped before throwing it on the small table.

- Ah, my favourite article. I never get bored while reading it.

I took on my new glasses from an inner pocket.

- Listen to it :

A necessary enquiry ?

Ronald Weasley, a student of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and son of Arthur Weasley, Head of the Misuse of Muggle Artefacts Office, was today found driving his family's car straight to school from London. It's baffling what could have made him think it would be a good idea to pull off this act, that could a jeopardized the international status of secrets, endangered not only the muggles they could have encountered, but wizards too, as their arrival was announced by a crash against the school whomping willow. Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of the school chose to only give detention to the two culprits.

We must report to you here that young Ronald Weasley was accompanied at the time by Harry Potter, the boy who lived. The two young boys seams to have become friends during their first year. Did his friend's fame made the young Weasley so jealous he thought he had to do to it ?

We still don't know how the young Potter was dragged in this adventure, but the magical community can only worry what his friendship with Ronald Weasley will announce for the young hero in the future. Is this the start of his fall from grace on the road of delinquency ?

Mr Lucius Malfoy, a governor of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, where the enchanted car crashed, called today for Mr Arthur Weasley’s resignation. ‘Weasley has brought the Ministry into disrepute,’ Mr Malfoy told our reporter. ‘His child's act clearly show he's as unfit to raise his children correctly as he's to draw up our laws. His ridiculous Muggle Protection Act should be scrapped immediately.’ Mr Weasley was unavailable for comment, although his wife told reporters to clear off or she’d set the family ghoul on them.

- Ah, ah, ah, ah. That one was oh so funny. I didn't even have to pay for that, this two brought it upon themselves, i said, throwing the newspaper on the table.

The trio wasn't well in front of me at the time. Crabron (almost had to write cabron here) looked about to attack me, clearly retaining his cover... (see I almost spelled cabron right). Harry tried to laugh, but wasn't really convincing.

I'm pretty sure they mistook my happy smile with my bully's character, but the truth was impossible to guess for them. The first artefact I ever created myself was working perfectly. (Yes I have an upgraded version of the map, but the Marauders were the ones who gave me the blueprints ok ?). The names of the trio were perfectly visible just above their heads. It was like a VR game.

- What's up with you Crabbe ? I snapped. (my house director isn't here so I can use the word).

- Stomach ache.

- Well go up to the hospital wing and kick that perfect blood traitor for me, and that slime Creevey too.

I started taking pictures with an imaginary camera and did a cruel but accurate impression of Colin.

- Can I have your pictures Potter ? Malfoy ? Please pose for the fans that payed me. Can they have your autographs ? Good thing whoever released the monster got him too.

Hermione, her again, was clear headed enough to put us back on track with this clue.

- Don't you have any idea who it could be ?

Crabon looked at her like she was saying nonsense.

- I already told you I haven’t, Millicent, before taking my notebook out.

 

One look inside made me realize we may not have much time.

 

- And father won’t tell me anything about  the last time the Chamber was opened, either. Of course, it was fifty years ago, so it was before his time, but he knows all about it, and he says that it was all kept quiet and it’ll look suspicious if I know too much about it. But I know one thing : last time the Chamber of Secrets was opened, a mudblood died and ended up as a ghost. The one in the girls bathroom, you know ? So I bet it’s  only a matter of time before one of them is killed this time…

 

Minione cringed a little when I threw the insult. But she still asked.

 

- Did he tell you anything at all ?

- Father said to keep my head down and let the heir of Slytherin get on with it. He said the school needs the heir to get rid of all the Mudblood filth, but not to get mixed up in it. Of course, he’s got a lot on his plate at the  moment. You know the Ministry of Magic raided our Manor last week? Yeah, luckily, they didn’t find much. Father’s got some very valuable Dark Arts stuff. But what they didn't know is that we’ve got our own secret chamber under the drawing-room floor.

- Ho ! screamed Crabon as he looked at Goyry, who looked at him and noticed his hair turning more and more red.

- I'm going to look for Daphne and Pansy, I will be right back. Said Hermione, who perfectly understood their condition. She didn't wait for my reaction and rushed toward the exit. Trying not to be obvious with the anxious looks she threw above her shoulder.

- Medicine for my stomach, Ron sprouted, wanting to spring out of here too.

For once, he had a thought for his friend as Harry was visibly fumbling, trying to put his glasses back on. The end of his transformation took back his perfect vision.

- Why are you wearing glasses ?

- R... Reading. Pretended Harry.

- I didn't know you could read. But... go on please. Shooing him out with my hands.

He didn't have much time, his scar was starting to appear on his forehead.

 

Just as they exited the common room, I pulled my watch to report what they learned today. What happened next almost made me drop it on the ground.

"All students to return to their house dormitories at once. All teachers return to the staff room. Immediately, please." Came Professor McGonagall's voice, magnified with a spell.