My name is Filian, Filian Everyname.¹A completely normal last name, as everyone knows already. I live in a completely normal world with completely modern things, like smartphones and streetlights and six o'clock traffic. Yay modern society! I mean, I've always lived it in, just like everyone else. Where else would I have lived?

What? A more 1800s-esque world with nobles and princes and magic and gambling rings for cooks, suitable for any old otome game setting? Pshhh, tell me something that actually makes sense. This is normal life I'm living. Normal.  

Yes, everything is completely normal here. Completely. Except, well...

Let me tell you about this friend I have.

She's been my best friend since I was five. I know all her embarrassing secrets, her strangest behaviors, her face-palm-worthy moments. And she is by far the weirdest person I have ever known. This is coming from who is most likely her closest companion in her life. So when I say she is weird, take it to the heart--she is weird.

Her name is Rosa, and she is a mathematics major at Durova University.

"Stop taking up a table in our coffee shop if you're not going to order anything, please," I sighed, as the busily wrote away on her iPad. Idly drying a cup, I peered over her shoulder onto the screen of her very sleek, very smart-looking iPad. It probably looked extra smart because of everything she was writing on it, all these numbers and signs and brackets and--

Well, let's just say I might as well be illiterate.

Moving back, I nudged Rosa's stool with my foot. "Rose? Did you hear me?"

"Cavalieri’s quadrature formula," she answered gleefully.

"Right." I blew on my reddish brown bangs and just trudged back to the counter, where Mom was manning the station. 

Oh right, I forgot to mention-- in this world (which is the only world, as we all know, just one normal, very standard world), Mom was a perfectly fine coffee shop owner and I was her number one employee. She looked over at me now, a genial smile on her lips as always.

"Mom, Rosa won't listen to me again," I complained, and she laughed. I gasped in mock horror as I put the dried up away. "This is no laughing matter! Your employee is being mistreated, ma'am--"

"It's not even rush hour, Filian. Let her be."

She was right-- there were only two other tables occupied in this otherwise empty coffee shop, one of which had a guy in a newsboy cap who kept glancing around while sipping his coffee. He was also scribbling stuff into his notepad in a manner that he probably thought was secretive, except he was being totally obvious about it.

I narrowed my eyes. Wait a minute. Wasn't that, wasn't that completely suspicious??

These days, there had been a lot of concerning news about small businesses getting robbed in the cities. And what were we if not a small business??

Under the soft jazzy piano music, I pulled my mom towards me with our backs to the counter and lowered my voice. "Don't look now, but that guy in the newsboy cap-- Mom!" I hissed. "I said don't look now!"

After very obviously turning and staring at the young man, she turned back to me looking absolutely innocent. "What about him?"

Restraining the urge to roll my eyes, I pressed my lips together and lowered my voice even further. "Don't you think he might be staking this place out?"

Mom furrowed her eyebrows. "Staking?"

"Yeah, like to come back and, and loot our stuff at night or something. Looking for places of entrance." I stole a glance towards him. "He's been, like, looking around and taking notes."

When I looked back at Mom, her eyes were wide open, hands to her lips. "Oh no!" she exclaimed, much too loudly. "That's not good at all!"

"Shhh!" My eyes darted towards him, but thankfully he was still too busy doing some of his secret-not-secret-at-all scribbling onto his small notepad.

"What are we going to do?" Mom whispered.

"I think..." I wetted my lips. "I can go over and see if I can get a peek at what he's writing."

"Isn't that too dangerous?!"

I shook my head. "It'll be fine. I'm good at this kind of stuff." Patting her distractedly, I busied away thinking up a plan.

First, I'll go there, like I'm... Yeah, and... Go sneak up, but behind him... That might work. Just take a tiny peek.

Taking a deep breath, I brought out a broom and got myself ready. 

This was showtime.

---

Unbeknownst to Filian Everyname,²the most normal name there can ever be the young man in the newsboy cap was not, in fact, an amateur robber, but an amateur spy. 

Or, as modern society likes to call them, a journalist-in-training out on a mission to collect intelligence about cafes for a certain food magazine's newest section. Why so secretly, you ask? Well, his senior journalist had told him that as not all the cafes they researched may turn up in the magazine, he shouldn't go around telling people about what he was doing. After all, this was only the initial stakeout-- though a stakeout for completely different intentions from what Filian suspected.

But to be fair, the journalist hadn't told him to act so suspiciously. No, that man would have never imagined his trainee would act, well, like an amateur spy. And to be extra fair, it wasn't like the trainee was trying to be suspicious. 

No, this young man-- going by his journalism pseudonym, Lindent, which he made because he thought pseudonyms were cool-- was just so, so, so very bad at being casual. And he was about to pay for it soon.

On the other side of the coffee shop, Filian inched closer and closer to her target, with each unnecessary sweep of the broom (she had already swept the floor not thirty minutes ago), all cool and calm and completely casual. Lindent was too earnestly absorbed in his note-taking, and Filian was too good at being very quiet, that he did not notice until she was right behind him.

Right. Behind him.

And sneaking glances over his shoulder.

Now, things might have ended very well for all parties involved if Filian could have read what he was writing, reached the necessary conclusion, and left happily. But would it truly be this story if things ended that simply?

Things did not go so smoothly, namely due to a great number of things.

Reason number one: Lindent had horrible handwriting. 

Reason number two: Filian was slightly, slightly nearsighted. Not enough to wear glasses at all times, but just enough that she couldn't just take a glance at tiny letters and decipher it immediately. She would have to lean in, as risky as that was.

Reason number three: At the very moment that Filian decided to lean in, a new customer came in.

Reason number four: The doors of this coffee shop are behind her, and therefore behind Lindent. The doors have these pretty-sounding bells attached to them, meaning that every time a new customer comes in, the doors chime prettily.

Reason number five: The doors also chime loudly. A loud sound, naturally, would make anyone nervous about their surroundings, look up.

Reason number six: Lindent looked up.

Reason number seven: He also looked back. And he found Filian, looming over him and casting a dark shadow on her figure, staring straight into his soul.

"UEGH!" yelled Lindent, hiding his notepad with his body like his life depended on it.

"I'M SO SORRY!" squeaked Filian back, tripping very, ah, gracefully over her broom and crashing into the (thankfully empty) table behind her.

"OMIGOSH FILIAN ARE YOU AL- OW [BEEP]!" roared Rosa, because she tried to stand up real fast at the noise but managed to bang her knee on the bottom of the table instead. (The Heroine Censorship is still in action. It follows her everywhere.)

"FILIAN! DEAR CUSTOMER, I-- OH, FILIAN!" cried Filian's mother, the coffee shop owner, flitting down to help her daughter up.

"I'M FINE!" called out Filian, scrambling back up. "I-- yeah, I'm...." She took a deep breath. "I'm fine."

In the meantime, the new customer stayed frozen near the entrance of the store, only his eyes darting back and forth wildly. He slowly drew back out, telling himself that today was not the day to get coffee before class. His name, by the way, was Alexander Forbias, a very smart fellow whose personal motto was "not today, Satan", but he is not as important to this particular story. Yet.

After getting everything settled down, Filian sat across from Lindent with her head bowed and her two hands clasped on her knees. "I'm terribly sorry for what just happened," she said, for probably the sixth time in the last five minutes.

Lindent didn't say anything because he didn't know what he should say. He couldn't say it was fine, because it wasn't (breach of privacy anyone??), but she was looking so sorry about it that he couldn't tell her she was absolutely horrid for doing that, either. What was he supposed to do in times like this? His training in journalism hadn't prepared him for this!!!

"Maybe it might be better if we explain what she was trying to do," her mother said carefully from behind her. She took a step forward, smiling apologetically at Lindent. "I'm the owner of this coffee shop. I really do apologize for what she did-- she suspected that you might be, um, staking this place out--"

Lindent almost choked on the cup of fresh coffee they'd just provided.

"--in order to rob us later. Oh, I'm so sorry!"

Having actually choked on the cup of fresh coffee they'd just provided, Lindent doubled over in a coughing fit. 

As Lindent swallowed down his coughs and dabbed at his mouth with a napkin, Filian bit her lip worriedly. "I know it sounds really silly, but there has been a lot of news about small business robberies and I thought it would be really simple and-- I apologize."

Hanging her head, it was then that she said the magic words--

"Please let me make it up for you somehow."

Uh-oh, everyone. Those were the magic words.

With just nine simple words, Filian had single-handedly changed her fate from Coffee Shop AU into that of a rom-com!! From here on out, the possibilities become endless!

Lindent might turn out to be a multimillionaire CEO's second-born son who'd gone off to chase his dreams, but need someone to be his partner at an upcoming dinner party to get his parents off his back! And who would he ask but the oh-so-silly-but-memorable girl from the coffee shop? Because of course he wouldn't have other relationships he could use! And of course Filian would say yes to such a sketchy scheme, because why not!! Free food!!!

Or he could be a secret black-bellied mastermind with slightly obsessive tendencies! He might be conjuring up a plan on the spot to make Filian his, thinking heh, this is the first time anyone's tripped over a broom because of me like this or something just as ridiculous!! It's 500% possible, and poor Filian will be just dense enough not to see through it!!!

Or what if--

"Okay, that's enough," snapped Rosa from two feet away, hands on her hips and looking cross. She gestured behind her. "Look, they're just giving Lindent a bunch of coupons and a promise for a free meal next time he comes by. That newsboy cap dude is just a regular struggling student. They're normal, alright? They're all normal!!!"

Ah.

I had completely forgotten.

This was They Were All Normal, wasn't it? There are no magic words in this world. A-as it is in all worlds, as we all know. Haha.

Right.

(And all throughout this scene, at the other occupied table in the coffee shop, a certain college student with the bad fortune of having been named Mildred sips on her latte, earphones in her ears and the smallest trace of a smile on her lips. She has seen everything, including the fourth wall break, and all she will do is let amusement color her eyes for barely a moment before she returns to her Compilation of Cat Videos on YouTube. That's just who she is.)

---

A/N: Hello hello, aardvark here! We are starting off this new year with a very normal AU. As we all do. :D

HAPPY 100TH CHAPTER!!! This is incredibly silly and VERY out-of-character for most of them (read: all of them except Rosa because Rosa could never), but would it truly be an AU without OOC characters? >:)

And I think this chapter came at just the right time, because next chapter onwards we are in for a JOURNEY! Delving into some REAL PLOT!! (This is the third or fourth time I've said this, so I better really get to it now. Haha.) So please take this chapter as like a breather/intermission, and let's all strap ourselves in for what will hopefully be an enjoyable ride. 

Thank you for sticking around last year despite my very long and unannounced hiatuses (urk), and let's enjoy this year to the best of our abilities!!