Pallet Town, Kanto Region:
A ten-year-old girl was sleeping in her bed, waiting for tomorrow to come. The day when she and her brother would go on their Pokémon journey where they’ll become Pokémon trainers and receive their starter Pokémon. She’s been excited for this event since she came to this world. The girl’s name is Luneth Ketchum, sister to Ash Ketchum. That’s right. The girl is Ash Ketchum’s twin sister. To be more precise, she’s a reincarnate. She died at the age of 22. The girl was a female college student named Melissa Daniels who was studying English Literature. She had hoped to become a Literature Professor. However, she was murdered by a jealous classmate, Hanna. Melissa never suspected that her classmate would do such a thing. At first, she thought that she would head straight to heaven. But she was shocked when Arceus appeared before her. The Alpha Pokémon offered her the chance of a new life. She was hesitant at first, but then she accepted Arceus’s offer. And so, she was reincarnated into the Pokémon universe as Luneth Ketchum, the fraternal twin sister to Ash Ketchum.
If she was being honest, it was somewhat tiring being Ash’s sister. There have been moments that she had to help Ash with his homework and get him out of trouble. Despite that, she still loved and cared about her brother. But the other thing that bugged her was that Gary Oak, the grandson of Professor Oak. The guy is completely arrogant and very rude to her brother. The title of being Professor Oak’s grandson had gone to his head. Even though his attitude changes during his Johto journey. But he was very annoying during her and Ash’s childhood. She also knew that he’ll be highly bothersome during their Kanto journey. It was hard enough whenever Gary and Ash got into a fight. Some of the time, Luneth and Professor Oak had to break up the fight.
The one thing that surprised Luneth when she was born into the Pokémon universe was when she discovered that she could understand Pokémon. Somehow that must have helped her bond quickly with Pokémon. But it also helped her gain Pokémon friends as well.
Anyways, back to the story:
Luneth Ketchum was asleep in her room on her bed. Tomorrow she’s going on her Pokémon journey. She was excited. Luneth had managed to convince her mom that she wanted to be on her own for this one. She told her mom that Ash also had to do this journey on his own as well. Her mom reluctantly agreed, but only if Luneth would call home as much as she could, which she agreed to do.
At the moment, the young girl was sleeping peacefully, ignoring the sound of the tv coming from Ash’s room. She was dreaming about her future adventures; meeting new friends, getting new Pokémon onto the team, and battles she’ll fight with her starter Pokémon by her side.
Morning soon arrived as the Dodrio cawed loudly from Prof. Oak’s roof. Luneth fluttered her eyes open and saw that the sun was about to rise. So she quietly got out of bed and grabbed a change of clothes before going into the shower. Afterwards, she was now in her new traveling clothes she had picked for her journey. She made sure to clean her room since she wasn't going to be home for a while. Then she went over to her backpack and checked her supplies. Seeing that she had everything, she then made her bed. Then walked downstairs to the kitchen. Her mother, Delia Ketchum, was putting breakfast on the table.
“Luneth, you’re up.” Delia said.
“Well, I wanted to get to Prof. Oak’s before Gary.” Luneth said before she began eating.
“You really don’t like Gary huh?” Delia asked as she sat down.
“I absolutely hate him. I would never want a guy like Gary for a boyfriend.” Luneth replied.
“What about Alain? He’s kind of handsome, right?” Delia teased before she started eating.
Luneth’s cheeks turned into a light shade of pink.
The twins had their birthday last week and Professor Oak had invited Prof. Sycamore and his two children, Alain and Mairin, to their party. Alain was a year older than her while Mairin was six. Alain had competed in the Kalos League and won last year. She had to admit that Alain had become a lot more handsome since the last time she saw him.
“You know, he might have a crush on you, Luneth.” Delia guessed.
“Maybe.” Luneth stated, brushing off the thought, “Will you be okay by yourself, mom?”
“Don’t worry, I’ll be fine. I’ll just visit the lab and meet yours and Ash’s Pokémon.” Delia assured her.
“Hopefully I find one for you to have as your own, mom.” Luneth prayed.
“You don’t have to do that, Luneth.” Delia protested.
“I know, but I want to.” Luneth said.
Delia smiled softly, “Well, you better get going if you want to get your starter.” She reminded her.
“You’re right. I’ll see you before I leave.” Luneth said.
“Alright, I’ll see you then.” Delia smiled.
Luneth smiled back. With that, Luneth took her backpack and headed off towards Prof. Oak’s lab.
Luneth soon arrived at the door of the Professor’s lab. She knocked on the door and then the Professor opened the door.
“Early as usual, Luneth.” Prof. Oak said.
“Yup. I want to avoid Gary, so I thought I would get here before him.” Luneth explained.
“I see. Let’s get your things.” Prof. Oak led her into the lab.
Luneth followed after him. As she did, she gazed at all of the equipment in the lab.
“Here we are.” Prof. Oak said, breaking Luneth out of her thoughts, “Now, getting your starter.” He took out a Pokéball, “Since you’re here, I’ll give you a special starter.”
“A special starter?” Luneth asked.
“You’ve always talked about a certain Pokémon that you’ve always wanted for a starter. So I was fortunate enough to find this Pokémon.” Prof. Oak smiled.
Luneth’s eyes widened, “Is it?”
Prof. Oak nodded and held out the Pokéball to Luneth who gently took it from him. She smiled and released the Pokémon. When the light subsided, the Pokémon was revealed to be a SHINY Eevee!
“Wow! A shiny Eevee!” Luneth beamed happily.
“Yes. This Eevee doesn’t want to evolve. My friend who raised this Eevee believes that she should be with a trainer who will accept her decision.” Prof. Oak explained.
“I’ll respect her decision.” Luneth promised.
The shiny Eevee looked up at Luneth with surprise.
“If she doesn’t want to evolve, I’ll accept her choice. My future Pokémon have the right to choose whether to evolve or not.” Luneth stated.
“Spoken like a true trainer.” Prof. Oak commented, smiled.
Shiny Eevee gazed at Luneth with awe. Then Luneth knelt down in front of Eevee.
“Hello Eevee, my name is Luneth Ketchum, and I’ll be going on a journey to become a great Pokémon trainer. Would you like to join me and be my partner?” Luneth asked.
Shiny Eevee blinked and then smiled, “Eevui! (I would love to!)”
Luneth gently petted Eevee on the head who purred at her touch. Then she jumped onto Luneth’s right shoulder and nuzzled against her cheek. She smiled and petted Eevee.
“Well, it’s decided. Eevee will be raised by you, Luneth.” Prof. Oak decided.
“I’m glad. Eevee, is it alright if I give you a name?” Luneth asked.
Eevee tilted her head to the side, “Eve? (A name?)”
“Yeah, I want to give you the name ‘Ginko’ which means ‘silver child’. Would you like that name?” Luneth asked.
“Eevui eeve! (I would love that name!)” ‘Ginko’ chirped happily.
“Okay then, Ginkgo is your name now.” Luneth decided.
“Eevui! (I love it!)” Ginko chirped.
“I’m glad.” Luneth smiled as she put Ginko’s Pokéball on her belt.
Prof. Oak brought out a tray that had a Pokédex and some Pokéballs. However, the Pokédex didn’t look like a Kanto one.
“First things first. Your Pokédex.” Prof. Oak held the Pokédex out to her.
“A Kalos Region Pokédex?” Luneth asked as he handed the Pokédex to her.
“Yes, this Pokédex will also allow you to scan any Pokémon from the Kanto to Paldea Region. There’s an extra feature to it; you can transfer your Pokémon without going to a Pokémon Center.” Prof. Oak explained.
“Wow.” Luneth smiled “But why?”
“I have a good feeling that you’ll find amazing Pokémon. Why don’t you try it out?” Prof. Oak suggested.
Luneth scanned Ginko:
[Eevee, the Evolution Pokémon. Depending on circumstances, Eevee can evolve into many forms. Note: This different coloration indicates that this Pokémon is a shiny Pokémon.]
“Cool.” Luneth awed.
Then she put her Pokédex in her jean pocket.
Luneth smiled at Prof. Oak and placed the empty Pokéballs on her belt.
“Well then, you should be all set for your journey.” Prof. Oak said.
“Yes, I am. Thank you, Professor.” Luneth thanked him.
“You’re welcome, Luneth. Good luck on your journey.” Prof. Oak said.
Luneth nodded and then she and Ginko left the lab.
Luneth and Ginko arrived back at the house to see her mom waiting outside.
“Luneth, you’re back. Did you pick up your starter?” Delia asked.
“Yup,” Luneth held Ginko in her arms, “Mom, this is Ginko. Ginko, this is my mom.”
Ginko’s ears perked at that.
“Oh, what a cutie! You finally got an Eevee!” Delia beamed.
“Yup, we’re already friends.” Luneth smiled.
“Why is Ginko a different color? She doesn’t have the same color as a normal Eevee.” Delia asked.
“She’s a shiny Eevee which means that she’s special.” Luneth replied.
“I can tell. Ginko, promise me that you’ll look after my daughter.” Delia requested.
“Eevui! (I will!)” Ginko chirped.
Delia smiled softly at Ginko and patted her head, “Thank you, Ginko.” Then she turned to Luneth, “Do your best, Luneth.”
“I will. Thanks for everything, mom.” Luneth smiled back.
Suddenly the front door slammed open and Ash, who was wearing his pajamas, ran past them and headed towards Prof. Oak’s lab. Luneth knew that Ash wouldn’t be able to get the starter that he wants but he will get Pikachu. She knew the two will have a very rough start. Luckily her mom wasn't in front of a crowd telling her what's in her backpack. Ash will get that embarrassment from their mom. Although she was worried when Pikachu will electrocute everyone at the lab.
“Hopefully your brother gets his starter Pokémon.” Delia prayed.
“We can only hope,” Luneth assured her, “Well, I better get going.”
“Good luck, Luneth. Call me when you get to Viridian City.” Delia said.
“I will,” Luneth smiled and hugged her mom, “I’ll miss you, mom.”
Delia returned the hug, “I’ll miss you too, sweetie.”
Then the two separated.
“Bye, dear.” Delia said.
“Bye mom.” Luneth said.
Ginko smiled, “Eevui!”
The two separated and smiled at each other, one last time. Then Luneth and Ginko headed off to Route 1.
What Luneth looks like:
You understand dialogue, making sure your character's speech is fully grammatical (as opposed to throwing in slang and affectations), and you allow the dialogue narrations to flow well. Your use of Bold text for Pokedex and section breaks for scene transitions are also done well.
Unfortunately, your scene descriptions need work. While your dialogue is fully developed, your scene narration is thrown together. It is casual, flippant, and even breaks the 4th wall too readily.
Scene-by-scene Review:
Scene 1: Prologue - Narration mess. Half of it was just a summary of how she got there.
Scene 2: Wakeup - Wakeup narration (sentences only kinda mesh into a single thought), dialogue, Flashback narration (done ok), dialogue.
Scene 3: Oak's Lab - Single lines of barely-narration, just to tell us the actions that fit the dialogue, and the rest is ALL talking.
Scene 4: Back Home - Same as scene 3, only one-line narrations to tell us of actions, or describe their state (Ash's pajamas, Luneth's smile, ears perking up).
Your characters are well described, but you are going to have to "set the scene" if you want to keep your readers, otherwise they will quickly get bored of the story. That takes descriptions of WHERE you are, and not just of WHO and WHAT.
You can liken it to your picture of Luneth. Instead though, imagine the picture has only Luneth on a completely white background (no city). You can still have your character move around, talk to other characters and fight pokemon all on that white background, but do you think that picture is going to hold people's interest?
Luckily, the people are reading this already have an image in their mind of pallet town and so each person's individual imagination is filling in all the episode 1 details and carrying you through. Once you start to build a story different from Ash's though, no one will have a full image of where things are happening and what the world looks like unless you start to tell them those things.
Both YOU as the author and Luneth as your main character are not going to experience the world the way Ash does. YOU are going to want to show Luneth more than the just basic things that a childish Ash sees, and Luneth is going to respond in more mature ways than Ash would, further diverging her path from that whiny little boy. The world that Ash sees is NOT all there is to the pokemon world. We only see the parts that affect HIM, but our various interests allow each of us to interact with the world in a different way.
Look at how different characters approach their pokemon training differently. For Delia, they are like home companions; for Oak, something to research; for Misty's sisters, a theater act. Even if they all trained pokemon at one time, they approached the rest of their life differently, and even how they trained pokemon is different. If Luneth likes literature, are you able to show us how that is woven into her new life and throughout her journey? I would expect the literature of the pokemon world to be expanded upon a bit in your retelling. If not, perhaps you might want to give her a different interest, because if you just reiterate Ash's story in a female body, your story wont really do anywhere different, and people will lose interest.
I can see that the story has been edited, and you have done a MUCH better job now. Good work.
That is a realy good Review good job and you got all the points, i realy think It was losing something and them you Said the description and i notice what i was looking ☺️
Sarah became Hanna as her killer lol. Surprised no one pointed it out.
However, she was murdered by a jealous classmate, Hanna
In the series they don't really call shiny pokemon, shiny in fact they rarely show up, but I think it would've made more sense to call it a variant or something. Apart from that it's a good start and can't wait to see where it goes
Interesting start, hope the two get to know each other better in the next few chapters as they travel...
Giving both a shiny and 12 limit carry is kind of nuts for a trainer just starting off. It gives such an extreme advantage over all other trainers stuck with 6 pokemon in just the option to always have a counter. There is also the practical aspect of training and taking care of more then usual, thus directly dimensioning how much characterization you can give each of her individual pokemon. It's the main reason why many people hated Goh at first, as it seemed like his pokemon where more of a collection then anything. I will give props though for her to keep, Eevee as an Eevee if she can grow it into a "partner" eevee it'll be amazing to see.
The one thing that surprised Luneth when she was born into the Pokémon universe was when she discovered that she could understand Pokémon.
empath?
Alain was a year older than her while Mairin was six. Alain had competed in the Kalos League and won last year.
also… didn’t Alain like become a champion much much later according to anime timeline? Or are we going on unique path here? Anyways, thanks for the chapter!
Tftc 🍱
Please post more
I'm looking forward to seeing who she ends up traveling with.
Hope to read some more.
So, she's like N?