.

.

.

Lyssa, watching Totomaru come down the stairs in nothing but a towel: "Why are you limping?"

Totomaru: "I fell in the shower."

Lyssa: "Why didn't you try to grab something then?"

Totomaru: "I did. I tried to grab the water."

— * —

Lyssa, barging out of her house and yelling at a random stranger: "Oh gods my girlfriend isn't home and I forgot the word for this thing and it's bAD she usually helps but I cAN''T!"

Stranger, scared and confused: "I WILL ASSIST?"

"You know that little sea bug with the stupid hands and it has a home but it changes homes sometimes because it gets too big for it? What is it?"

"Hermit crab?"

"THAT'S THE BITCH!"

— * —

Lyssa: "Part of adulting is having your bed in the centre of the room and not the corner."

Erza: "WHy.....is this.....truuuuuuuuuue....?"

Lucy: "You can pry my corner bed out of my cold dead hands."

— * —

Gajeel, being dramatic to himself: "Love is dead and never existed. All you did was betray me as I lay sick and festering. You are the definition of dread."

Juvia: "Are you okay?"

"My cat stole my fucking garlic bread!"

— * —

Lyssa: "Do you know why I challenged you to this duel?"

Jellal: "You want me to stop making puns."

"You're right. I didn't want to do this. I once considered you a friend. It didn't have to come to this. But the puns have to stop."

"It truly is the duality of man."

*shoots him instantly*

Jellal, holding his bullet-ridden intestines in place*: I"t all lead to this."

"Why *shot* won't *shot* you *shot * DIE!? *shot*"

Coughing up blood: "No need to go ballistic..."

— * —

God Serena: "Do vampires just use their teeth to make a puncture wound and then suck, or are their fangs like a straw?"

Lyssa, a mildly autistic woman who won't stop thinking about this for a while: "This is a valid fucking question..."

The rest of the Wizard Saints: *All turning to look at Draculos Hyberion*

Draculos: *Nervously sweating because he isn't actually a vampire he just has vampire magic*

— * —

Lyssa: YOU CAN'T CHANGE THE VOLUME OF THE VOICE IN YOUR HEAD

FUCKING TRY I DARE YOU

IT'S IMPOSSIBLE AND IT'S REALLY FUCKING WITH MY MIND SOMEONE HUG ME

— * —

Wendy: "I know that adults do multiple of laundry for different coloured clothes but I've been putting all my clothes in at the same time and I'm just saying, nothing bad has happened."

Erza, an adult: "Modern laundry sauce doesn't cause colour leeching like old laundry sauce did."

Wendy: "...call it something else."

Lyssa: "Clothes marinade."

Gray: "Fabric juice."

Natsu: "Outfit soup."

Lucy: "Dressing."

— * —

Lyssa: "And what do we do when we're sad?"

Juvia: "Call off all our plans, stop responding to text messages, and fall off the face of the planet for about 2-3 business days."

Lyssa: "...No..."

— * —

Lyssa after Gajeel gets a strike while bowling: "Hey look, you finally got one!"

Gajeel: "Shut the fu-"

— * —

Lyssa: "Even if I wanted to go my schedule wouldn't allow it! 4 o'clock, wallow in self-pity. 4:30, stare into the abyss. 5 o'clock, solve world hunger and tell no one. 5:30, jazzercise. 6 o'clock, dinner with me. I can't cancel that again! 7 o'clock, wrestle with my self-loathing. I'm booked!"

Totomaru who just asked her if she wanted to see a movie: "...You could've just said no."

— * —

Lyssa, transformed into a spider: "Why are you terrified of me?"

Totomaru, who doesn't know it's Lyssa: "Well, the reasons I had have all been replaced by the fact you can talk."

— * —

Lucy: "In general I think being part of Fairy Tail is very good for my social anxiety because no matter how much of a freak I'm being I know it's probably not the weirdest thing people have seen today. Case in point: There are two people that can eat fire, another who can eat metal, a fourth who can eat lightning, a young girl who can eat wind like an actual food source and not just breathe it in, three talking cats, two of which can transform, a super alcoholic, a sadist in a sundress, one of their own members ended up being a Celestial Spirit, a lot of us were trapped in time for seven years, their founder had a child with the worlds most evil wizard, we killed said wizard's creations, toppled cults dedicated to him, and his own empire. Meanwhile, the most eccentric thing I'm doing is writing a book."

— * —

Jellal: *finding an optimised method for the job*

Lyssa: *getting the job done regardless of how*

Erza: *freaking out because both of them are doing things the employee training videos explicitly said not to do*

— * —

Young Lyssa: "Hey, big bro."

William: "What up?"

Young Lyssa: "Why does the Little Mermaid wear sea shells?"

William: "Probably because that's the fashion wear she comes from."

Young Lyssa: "Hmm, that's not what Totomaru said."

William: "Sigh, what did Totomaru say?"

Young Lyssa: "He said she wears sea shells because she grew out of her B-shells."

William: *done with life*

— * —

'What's that one thing in your house that's broken, but you just can't afford to fix it so it just sits there broken?'

Cana, Mirajane, Erza, Gray, Levy, Gajeel, Lucy, and Totomaru: *staring at Jellal, Lyssa, Juvia, Happy, and Natsu*

— * —

Lyssa: "What do we do with anger again?"

Erza: "Do something calming."

Lyssa: "Right, bottle it up until we explode."

Erza: "That is nothing like I just said."

— * —

Gray, talking about magibikes: "Why didn't you get a 1000cc?"

Lyssa: "Well, because I wanted a 600cc...OBVIOUSLY, I COULDN'T GET–"

— * —

Jellal before the Tower of Heaven Arc: "Always remember, there may be a lot of things that cost money, but it costs nothing to ruin someone's day <3"

— * —

Lyssa and Gajeel after being Fairy Tail wizards for a week: "I need to stop asking people 'How stupid can you be?' Because some people are beginning to take it as a FUCKING CHALLENGE!"

— * —

Lyssa: "I just saw a shirt that said 'I don't have resting bitch face, I'm just a bitch that needs some rest' and honestly..."

— * —

Lyssa: *trying and failing not to laugh after seeing Gajeel stand up too fast and fall on his face*

— * —

Some poor Rune Knight: "Umm, sir? Who is she?"

Jellal: "Right, this is Ultear. She's my, not my assistant, she's my..."

Ultear: "I'm his carer."

Jellal: "That's it. She cares so I don't have to."

— * —

Gray: "I need to feel something. Lyssa! Can you tell me something that'll piss me off?"

Lyssa: "You can't wheelie!"

Gray: "Right, that'll do it."

— * —

Lyssa: "Four your consideration. Emo: The world is broken, and I'm so sad because there's nothing I can do to fix it. Goth: The world is broken, but there's beauty in the dark parts. Punk: The world is broken, and I am angry, and I am going to fix it."

Gajeel: "Ska: The world is broken, but I've got a fucking trumpet!"

— * —

Young Lyssa, teaching young Juvia: "Witches = magic doctors, wizards = magic researchers, artificers - magic engineers, alchemist - magic researchers, sorcerers = magic nepo baby."

Juvia: "What about warlocks?"

"...Magic sugar babies."

— * —

William, looking at a kid doing a TikTok dance in public: "I want to say something but it's too rude."

Totomaru: "Don't worry, I'll say it."

— * —

Totomaru and Juvia after seeing Gajeel and Lyssa get healthy relationships on the first try: "No excuses, right hand on the bible, God can strike me down if I'm lying, THAT MOTHERFUCKER'S CHEATING!"

— * —

Lyssa: "You mean to tell me you haven't been consistently writing because you kept getting new ideas!?"

SMKenward: "The ideas were very charismatic!"

— * —

Aizen, looking at a group of Batman, Joseph Joestar, The Holy Grail from Fate, Charles Zi Britannia, Walter White, and many others: "Welcome back to the Gaslighter's Annual Seminar, everyone. I'm oh so delighted to announce that we have a new member joining us today and his methods are genuinely unique."

Crimson 1: "It's nice to meet all of you."

SMKenward: "Oh dear god..."

Ultear: "You know this man?"

SMKenward: "Barely, but I do remember the fucking ORANGE!"

.

.

.

I now present a special section I refer to as The Book Club

— * —

Lyssa: "What's the word for horny but not in a sexual way? Like I'm horny for Halloween but I don't wanna fuck a pumpkin, you feel?"

Levy: "Do you mean excited?"

Lucy: 'This is scientific evidence that smut makes you stupider."

— * —

Lyssa: "Frankenstein enters into a bodybuilding competition and finds he has seriously misunderstood the objective."

Levy: "FOR THE LAST TIME, FRANKENSTEIN WAS THE DOCTOR!"

Lyssa: "...A doctor who built a body."

—- * —-

Levy: "Synonyms are weird because if you invite someone to your cottage in the forest that just sounds nice and cosy, but if I invite you to my cabin in the woods you're going to die."

Erza: "My favourite is explaining the difference between a butt dial and a booty call."

Lucy: "It's called connotations."

Lyssa: "Try this one on for size; 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.' 'Sorry, Daddy, I've been naughty."

Lucy: "Great news! Language has been banned!"

— * —

Levy: "If "womb" is pronounced "woom", and "tomb" is pronounced "toom", shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced "boom"?"

—- * —

Erza: "I'm so sick of this shit! Two gas stations can't even be on the same block without some walnut shipping them, while I can't find a single fic for Denny's/Applebees with Denny's bottoming!"

Levy: "You're literally out of your mind if you think Denny's isn't a top."

Lucy: "I wish we never started this book club."

Lyssa: "Denny's is a power bottom but go off."