Witch Princess: Part 1: Chapter 20
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Chapter 20
Amirya left the palace that night with Yanafir and Cinna again, attempting to leave the beast with Yanafir. This time though, Cinna whined, circling Amirya’s legs, pouting.
“Then, Your Highness, me as well…” Yanafir started. Her discomfort at leaving the princess was evident on her face. Amirya shook her head though. She knelt and patted Cinna’s head, promising to return soon. They had practiced and made improvements, but Cinna was unable to take an incorporeal form.
Once Finri arrived, they made their way into the darker parts of the city. Any time Amirya passed a wilting garden, she stopped to revitalize it. She let Finri lead the way and give out food, and Amirya said nothing about the programs that were intended to help them. After twists and turns, they entered a rowdy inn with a bar attached with their hoods pulled up.
Finri went straight to the bartender, grinning, “I want something from the back.”
The bartender raised her eyebrow and rested an elbow on the counter, “What do you desire?”
“Some time and privacy with my own golden bottle well into the twilight.”
Amirya quickly regained control of her face when she realized she was making a confused, what the hell look. The bartender smiled and threw the rag over her shoulder.
“Very well, follow me,” she headed up the stairs with a door on the right and left. She pulled out a key and opened the right one, motioning them in. “Second door on the left.”
The inside of the room was minimally decorated with plain furniture. Amirya took a seat on the gray couch, glancing around.
“There really isn’t a solid intelligence guild in the kingdom of Aurelius,” Finri mused. She flung herself down next to the princess, extending an arm over the back of the couch. “The high nobles have their own private networks, with spies planted here and there, but as fair as a guild, this is the closest thing that’s not secretly operated by a noble. They seemed to only get their footing a few months ago. But. They have surprisingly amount of details about the guilds, those other private networks, and so on…”
Amirya stayed quiet for a moment. “And these people are…?”
“By all appearances, some slum kids who realized sticking their paws and snouts where they don’t belong paid pretty well,” Finri stated nonchalantly. “I knew the like back in my town too. This group, they do this and that for whoever, but they’re not owned by anyone. And as far as I can find, they’re quiet about what they do.”
“You’re back!” A young boy sang, the door crashing loudly into the wall. He winced. “Oops. Sorry.”
He closed the door gently this time and bounded for the opposite seat, grinning, “My beautiful ladies! How are you?”
“This is Merry,” Finri said boredly. She reached into her coat and tossed a small bag. “The payment we discussed before. Now, the midnight sins and the Rowley Viscounty.”
Merry opened the bag and shook his light brown hair out of his face, “Nice! Yes, older brother had some information already but we were able to get even more with the direction you provided…” He looked up through his eyelashes at Amirya.
“Don’t mind her and go on,” Finri said, crossing her legs.
“Well, well,” Merry smiled and put the bag into his belt pouch. “You were right about all the illegal auctions, brothels, slave fights, so on so on being one organized system. Pretty much all of the old aristocrats who got away with whatever whenever under the terror king are involved. They realized they could just get the uprising gang under their control to take both the blame and the dirty work, so that’s exactly what they did. The Midnight Sins collect slaves from the borders and sometimes even outside the safe lands, collect illegal taxes from vulnerable citizens, and illegally buy or even kidnap children, even within the capital. Of course, they go after ones that nobody would ever miss.”
He sighed some, swinging his feet, “They fill up the quota they’re given, and show up at the places they’re told with the product. The nobles all get to play around as the gang acts like a security guard. In return, gang activity is reported as nonexistence, so obviously they’re involved with the marshals and guards, too. They do as they like, too. Probably paid off with the money embezzled from the social programs. Even if it’s royal funds, no one notices the missing money because it’s intended for a part of the city none of the nobles ever look at.”
Amirya felt shame at his words but could not deny them. Fay’s words rang in her mind; she was ignorant.
“Of course, there has to be a main noble behind it all. Keeping track of who needs to keep their mouth shut, setting the times for the smuggling routes, and so on and on. You brought up Viscount Rowley, so we looked into him and his new wealth from the market - well…” Merry grinned. “He keeps buying and selling things that have no record of existing. For example, he owns some sort of art museum but no one can find it? Yet it’s on paper if you look deep enough…”
Merry placed his cheek in his palm and rested leisurely. He looked at them through half lidded eyes, a small smile on his lips, “How’s all that? I did good, huh? I had some help, though.”
“...Rivertill has to be the power behind the Viscount.” Amirya whispered.
“Don’t be saying that!” Merry said quickly and laughed. “There’s no paper trail for the Duke of Rivertill - or any way to ever pin this on them. The Viscounty barely has a trail, and it’s definitely the tail of the lizard.”
“Yeah, he’ll be cut off to hide the rest, but …” Finri trailed off. Abruptly, she stood up and marched to the window, throwing it open and leaning outside.
“Fin-“ Amirya cut herself off. “What are you doing?”
Finri’s shoulders relaxed and she slowly closed the doors, “Someone was there.”
“No way,” Merry denied quickly. “If there was, it was one of us. I’ll tell them to stop, though.”
“…” Finri looked over at the boy, her eyes bright in the dark room. “They must be something if they can escape my eyes.” Her voice sounded threatening.
“Sorry, sorry,” Merry chanted, obviously not sincere.
“Sure,” Finri walked over and offered her hand to Amirya. “Thanks for the info. The records exist, I get it. I’ll be back.”
“I look forward to it, Red!” Merry whistled, watching Amirya take Finri’s hand and stand.
Once out onto the road, they silently walked for a few minutes until Finri said, “Even if there’s no way to prove it; when the Viscounty goes down, if the rest of the limbs get exposed at the same time, there’s no way to keep the operations going.”
“True…” Amirya didn’t look at her. She had no idea so much corruption spread through the city or the atrocity of it, but Finri, the first time and now for the second time, chose to stop it. She was a true protagonist. But, Amirya, the country’s princess, only set out on this task for selfish motivations. And Corentine and Cassivan - they were the root of all this evil as well.
“Hey,” Finri said when she noticed Amirya spaced out and not paying attention to her. She grabbed the princess’s face, squishing her cheeks.
“Hey!” Amirya yelped and blushed. She reached up and grabbed a piece of Finri’s side bangs and yanked, “Behave!”
Finri blinked and then smiled mischievously, “What to do, my princess? It’s hardly a punishment if I like it.”
Amirya smacked Finri’s upper arm.
Finri’s smile grew, “That’s not so bad either.”
“Stop it!”
...
Finri walked Amirya to where Yanafir and Cinna waited for them in the main square at a cafe and then left, stating she had some business to take care of. Yanafir left momentarily to call a carriage so they could head back to the palace from there. They climbed in and Amirya watched outside the window.
After around twenty minutes, she realized the road didn’t look correct.
“Yanafir, are they taking us to the Academy instead?” She asked anxiously. Yanafir sat up and looked out the window, then opened the small one to the driver.
“Where are we?” She demanded. “Take the princess to the palace, have you lost your mind?”
The carriage came to a halt.
Cinna growled lowly.
“Yanafir,” Amirya said in a low voice. “Get away from the window.”
Yanafir slowly backed up, sweat beading on the back of her hands that gripped her skirt. She sat down, a small tremble in her shoulders.
Two sharp knocks descended on the door.
“Princess? Is this the princess?” A happy voice called out. “Don’t be alarmed, we don’t want to hurt you. Open up for us; don’t make us angry.” Through the carriage window, she could barely make out the dark shapes of men standing in the shadows with one right next to the carriage.
Amirya thought quickly, but she had nothing in her bag to help her. She reached for the handle and Yanafir grabbed her arm and shook her head no.
“They’ll get in eventually,” Amirya whispered. “Just stay back.”
“No, Your Highness!” Yanafir said, her eyes tearing up. “I will go, stay behind me.”
“Don’t argue,” Amirya scolded. Yanafir timidly dropped her hands. Amirya pushed the door open.
“Ah, you’re not the idiot they claim you are, are you!” The man yelled happily. His aura swirled rapidly, a blood red and muddy gray and black mixture. He was excited and malicious.
Behind him, stood four more men, two were very composed and stayed back, while the other two were just like the one in front of her.
Those two must be knights and these three thugs or gang members…
This happened right after she got involved, so it wasn’t hard to figure that it was someone trying to send a message.
Great, now I won’t be able to go anywhere without knights after this…
“Come on out, come on out,” he motioned.
Amirya stepped out and Cinna jumped out immediately after. He growled, baring his fangs and his fur standing up.
“Down.” She ordered.
Get behind me, you rascal.
Cinna refused, slowly stepping in front of her, claws digging into the earth. To the side, the carriage driver was kneeling and crying, begging under his breath and saying he did what they asked.
“Shut that guy up!” The man in front of her snapped. One of the other thugs stepped forward and began to hit the man repeatedly.
“Enough!” Amirya barked. “What do you want?”
“Enough?” The man cocked his head to the side. “Enough? Princess, you don’t get to decide what is enough.”
Amirya’s hand twitched. This man was about to get beaten to death in front of her, but she was doing nothing to prevent it.
Not unlike the entire situation with the kingdom, how symbolic, she thought unpleasantly. “You wanted me, not this pathetic driver. Stop concerning yourself with him.”
“Can’t leave witnesses.” The man said happily. At that, a sickening crunch was heard as the other man beat the driver’s head. “Speaking of - that girl, come out, come out.”
Yanafir still cowered in the carriage, eyes wide.
“No,” Amirya said simply. She reached behind her and closed the door, never taking her eyes off the man.
He tsk’ed three times while shaking his head, “Princess… you were doing so well… don’t choose the hard way… we’re going to do what we’re going to do, you know… so give us that maid.”
“Over my dead body,” Amirya spit.
It wasn’t that she loved Yanafir. She didn’t know why exactly she was protecting the maid. It infuriated her, that they’d dare to take what was hers. Yanafir slowly cracked open the door, and in a meek voice, said, “Pri… Princess, no…”
“Stay back,” Amirya ordered again. “You’re mine. Don’t even think about coming out.”
The man clicked his tongue and rolled his eyes. “Alright, this is the way it’ll be then.”
He reached forward, aiming to snag her deep purple hair in his hands. Cinna jumped and snapped, the man just barely flinching away in time to avoid the sharp bite.
“Damn mutt!” He hollered. He opened his hands on both sides of him, fire erupting from them. He threw his hands toward Cinna, and Amirya mentally commanded Cinna to dodge to the side. The man didn’t lose balance; he was too well trained for that. But with the beast out of the immediate way, he dispelled his flame and reached for the princess again.
She could tell from reading their auras - they wouldn’t maim her, but they meant to kill Cinna and Yana.
With no time to think, she pushed out with both her hands and mind, and without making contact, the man doubled as though hit in the stomach and was tossed back. This was not a situation she could hide herself from - she hoped her abilities were trained enough to assist her.
There was silence among them. The man who had beaten the driver dashed forward, raising his club with a metal end over his head toward Cinna. Cinna dodged and barked, wind slices erupting out in front of the vixen.
The man barely dodged - his arm bleeding - and laughed. He touched the ground with his palm and closed it into a fist. Cinna yelped as his back two feet were engulfed by the earth and turned to stone. The man raised his club again.
“No!” Amirya yelled and raised her arms again, but now one of the knights had grabbed both her upper arms from behind and dragged her back as the third thug ripped open the carriage door. She tried to wrench away but her physical strength was nothing against a knight.
But then, the knight discharged lightning. He probably intended to shock Amirya to subdue her, but she felt the collection of energy just before it was discharged.
She closed her eyes and pulled the intended attack into her fluidly. She opened her eyes and screamed, unable to simply discharge it with only her mental command, so she used her throat as he held her arms. The lightning passed through her, striking her two intended targets. The knight holding her was so stunned that his grip loosened for a moment and she pulled herself away. She raised her arms to him and met his eyes just before she pushed as hard as she could, sending him back.
All five of the men were still awake. The two struck by lightning already regained their bearings. Amirya looked around and reached her hand out, a rock some yards away from her shakily lifting and she hurled it with all her strength at the thug in front of the carriage near Yanafir.
He didn’t make a sound - he dropped to the ground with a thud as blood gushed from his head wound. She had only managed this much against them thanks to the surprise of her powers. She needed to do something, fast, before they adjusted.
Amirya dropped to her knees and touched the earth. She traced the energy the man had left behind in the stone clasps around Cinna’s back feet.
Water!
Cinna bolted as soon as he was free, mud sloshing. The thug had dropped his club and grunted from the pain of the lightning but shook his head and opened his hand - a stoney spike coming up from the ground. Cinna was a vixen beast, though, and he was faster. His teeth gripped the man’s throat and ripped through it easily. They were strong, but a human was still a human against a beast.
The two knights and the main thug were left. In the back of her mind, she vaguely wondered if those other two died from such wounds. In the next split second, as she raised her head to the three remaining men, she understood those two who were down were by far the weakest of them. The two knights’ auras were awake and alert now - they were ready for a fight.
“This damned bitch!” The one she threw first screamed, holding his stomach. “The fuck was that! This isn’t what we were told!”
In anger, he raised his arms and unleashed a massive fire ball towards her.
“Don’t-!” One of the knights yelled.
Amirya flinched - her instinct to dodge, but she realized she stood right in front of the open carriage. Over her shoulder, the scared Yanafir was curled into a helpless ball.
Amirya gritted her teeth and raised her arms. As the ball of energy barreled towards her, she felt it in the air and willed it to change. It almost felt like the world slowed. The energy coming at her acted on the will of the one who harvested it. It did not want to change course. She grunted and forced it apart, pulling the energy with a net of threads. The ball split, spreading fire on either side of her and leaving her undamaged.
Amirya coughed. Her head throbbed. This was her absolute best, and she began to realize it wasn’t enough.
“What the fuck!” The thug yelled. He attacked again.
Again, Amirya split the flame, even though she was pushed back.
“Quit!” One of the knights yelled.
Both of them drew their swords, slowly changing position to circle her. The thug headed for the side Cinna was on, and the familiar growled and darted at him.
“No-!” Amirya did not have confidence in either Cinna or herself. She wanted Cinna to not get hurt no matter what. The man dodged the beast and counter attacked, some of the fire missed but some singed him. “Cinna!”
Her heart leapt at the sight of Cinna’s burnt coat and she instinctively reached out and screamed, “Don’t!”
The threads within her sight trembled and stretched. Little blue and pink sparks appeared, but nothing happened. It was enough to get the man’s attention though, which had him back off from Cinna long enough for the beast to regain his composure.
As she was distracted, both of the knights in cloaks rushed forward, one of them sending a lightning strike at her. She tried to divert it to attack the other but missed.
The other one closed the gap as she diverted the strike and slammed her into the ground. She gasped for air, trying to roll away, but his grasp was firm. Her eyes caught Cinna and the thug again.
Even as an elemental beast, Cinna was still a child, and this was his first battle. He sent a wind attack with his tail and although it hit, it was not strong enough to take out the man completely. He managed to sink his teeth in his forearm but let go when the man casted fire again. He began to dodge Cinna’s attack with more ease, taking out a dagger.
Amirya, although pinned, was touching the earth. Just like before, she concentrated, mixing in her own aura so the earth shifted, and roots shot through the ground and tangled the man’s feet, sending him tumbling. She had the easiest time controlling the earth, less so with the other elements - unless someone else made it first. Cinna took the chance to attack.
The lightning knight, still standing, looked from her to the thug and back at her. He stepped forward and began to say, “The princess is–”
“Get off!” Yanafir cried, kicking the head of the knight holding the princess from inside the carriage, holding onto the sides of the door. She kicked as hard as she could. “How dare you!”
The lightning knight raised his sword. Amirya’s eyes widened. “Don’t!” she screamed.
Suddenly, the man dropped his sword and went down to one knee harshly, grunting.
The man holding Amirya paused and looked to him, “What are you do-”
The knight, now kneeling with a dagger protruding from his chest, tried to dodge the oncoming attack, but a man in black wrapped his legs around the knight’s neck and twisted. A loud pop sound erupted and the man slumped to the ground, the man in black spinning with his attack to land on his feet. The knight released Amirya and sprang up.
He brought his sword down towards the man in dark clothing, but the man evaded as though he was as light as air, even jumping and twisting above his head with ease, landing his foot on the attacker’s face and sending him back.
He landed on his feet and turned his head to where Cinna and the man were. The man defended himself with the dagger, and the cloaked stranger reached out and chuckled as he snapped his finger. The man dropped his dagger and struggled to raise his arm, allowing Cinna to take a lethal bite.
The last remaining man stepped back slowly, looking at the scene. He turned and ran, a curse under his breath.
“Should I go kill him before he runs his mouth?” The stranger offered, crouching next to Amirya.
“What?” Amirya stuttered, bewildered and still trying to get her breath back.
He shook off his hood, bloody red eyes and white hair shining in the moonlight. Nix.
“You…” She trailed off.
“Hold that thought.” He took off.
Amirya slowly sat up and turned to Yanafir. She reached out and took her hand, “Yanafir? Are you alright?”
Yanafir collapsed from the carriage, landing herself in Amirya’s lap, digging her face into the princess’s clothes as she cried loudly, “I’m sorry! I’m sorry, Princess!”
“This isn’t your fault…” Amirya consoled. Cinna, bloody and with fringed fur, trotted over, tongue rolling out his mouth. She glanced at the man a foot from them she hit with the rock. His chest rose and fell slightly.
She could tell by the dissipating aura that the two Cinna bit were dead. At the moment, she felt numb. Cinna wagged his tail, waiting for praise. And then, Nix returned.
“My lady,” he said happily, offering his hand.
Amirya stared at him solemnly before taking his hand and urging Yanafir up as well. Was this some wild coincidence? Did he recognize her? How?
“You’ll be rewarded,” Yanafir spoke up instead of the princess. “For your great deed. You saved the princess. You must escort her back to the palace…”
“Oh, the princess?” He asked, though he did not look the least bit surprised. He turned to Amirya and bowed slightly, bringing the hand he was still holding to his mouth to kiss it. “I greet Her Highness, then. This lowly one apologizes for being so rude…”
“Nonsense,” Amirya said, snatching her hand away. “Thank you.”
“I guess that almost makes us even,” He said thoughtfully, a playful glint in his eyes. “You save me, I save you.”
Yanafir glanced between the two of them, confused. She bowed though, “I am Yanafir Vespyrn. You have my deepest gratitude. Can we have your name, sir? I would rudely request you to escort the princess back to the palace immediately…” Yanafir said bravely though she still shook.
“Nix.” He stared at Amirya. “I was bestowed this name not too long ago, and I have yet to repay the act.”
This man obviously knew. The bloody hound of the crown prince - that was stopped, but this man was not normal. Or safe. She glanced at the dead bodies behind him that he took down with such ease. She backed up just a smudge.
“What’s wrong?” Nix leaned his face close to hers. His body towered over hers easily. “It’s not your time to die yet, but are you scared?”
Yanafir, to all their surprise, pushed him. “Just what are you saying!” She screamed. “Stop it!”
He blinked, and then he laughed. “Yes, yes, I’m sorry. I’ve never driven a carriage before, but I’ll do my best. Princess, I don’t know my way, can you sit next to me? Hm?”
“I will,” Yanafir said instantly.
Amirya shook her head. “It’s fine. Sit in the back with Cinna.”
Yanafir looked as though she was about to protest but she sensed the seriousness around Amirya and nodded, stepping back into the carriage.
“You,” Amirya started, her voice light, “The one that’s alive. Can you tie him and place him in the back?”
“Why, of course, what a good idea. But are you sure you don’t want me to kill him? What if he… talks?” Nix raised one eyebrow, still smirking. Amirya hated him. How long had he watched her struggle before he helped?
“Yes,” she said simply.
The ride back started quietly. Until Nix finally spoke.
“I keep pondering why the princess showed up to a place like that…” This time, he didn’t stare her down. He kept his hands on the reins and looked ahead. Amirya did not speak to see if he would say more. “I saw plenty of nobles come in time and time again for this or that, and the first time you come, you buy only me, but then you don’t want me… could give anyone a complex.”
“Did you follow me?” Amirya asked just as softly so Yanafir couldn’t hear.
“I had to know who my owner was,” Nix said with a smile. “You can’t blame me, princess.”
Amirya couldn’t come up with a decent explanation.
“Even if the princess went there with noble intentions, she didn’t free all of them - no, only just me…” Nix leaned back, resting his shoulders and head on the carriage behind him, rolling with the bumps on the road. “I wonder if the princess found me to be special. Or did she really want to steal away her brother’s toy so badly?”
“Nothing of the sort,” Amirya denied quickly. “I just didn’t want my brother to get what he wants.”
Nix casted his eyes on her, studying carefully. “So, you must have figured out the connection with the alchemy academy and the Midnight Sins, yeah?”
Amirya finally met his eyes. He lit up.
“I finally have your attention! But didn’t Merry inform you of that?”
He chuckled when Amirya could not school her surprise on her face completely. What the hell did he know? How much? About what?
“Let me help you a little, Princess,” he said sweetly. “Or at least give you a hint. The missing children in the capital. You won’t find them with the slaves auctioned off. You’ll find them at the academy, right under everyone’s noses.”
“How do you know?” Amirya asked. “Who are you, really?”
“At least some of the missing funds go to the children,” Nix thought out loud. “Although, not in any way you’d imagine.”
Amirya knew. She knew from the beginning - this man was not normal! He’s suspicious! In the first life and now, too! She recalled Raven’s face again as he hit the ground, and she hated every second she had to sit next to Nix.
“Who are you?” She repeated.
“Nix, my Princess.” He grinned at her. “How could you forget already?”
Silence came and stayed, and Amirya angled her body away from him, crossing her arms over her chest. Even with what she could recall from the book in Zee’s life and slowly piecing her first life’s memories together, there was still so much missing.
A man strong enough to kill Raven, and based on that fight, it was gravity, a very rare type of spirit. If he was brought in as a slave to the arena, then he’s from beyond the borders. A criminal of a kingdom across the beastlands?
He would have been in a dire situation to cross the land filled with the demons, but many did immigrate to Aurelius once it spread that the portals inside the kingdom were all permanently closed. But he obviously didn’t seek out some better life, letting the slave runners and the prince use him they way they did. Did he intentionally get himself caught?
“What are you thinking so hard about, Princess?” Nix asked in a whisper, his voice surprisingly close. Amirya jumped and covered her ear. Before she could respond, he snickered, “Seems you remembered to be scared this time?”
“What will you say to the guards?” Amirya asked instead. “I’m dirty, and there’s blood on the carriage.”
Nix raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean? Aren’t I your savior?” The smile fell from his face and a threatening expression appeared. “What - even after all that, do you not want the possession you worked so hard for?”
“You’re not a possession,” Amirya said more softly than she intended. “I don’t want to be involved with you.”
“Then you should have never rescued me, Princess.”
Amirya understood - she did not rescue this man. He had been exactly where he wanted, which meant she prevented him from accomplishing whatever he intended with Cassivan. She had not averted the disaster of the crown prince’s hound.
“Fine. I’ll take responsibility,” she said fast. This man - he would just go to Cassivan’s side again, wouldn’t he?
His face brightened. He grinned again, one side of his mouth always pulled up higher which left a cocky impression, “Such a sudden change of heart.”
Amirya willed her heart to stop beating so fast. She looked away and muttered, “Whatever you’re after - better me than Cassivan.”
He only hummed in response, and they continued to the palace. The entire time, through the fight and the ride, his aura remained unchanged. It was rare for such a thing to occur since it required intention, and out of everyone she’s seen, only the trained shadows, spies, and assassins in the palace practiced it. It was how she could pinpoint which of her father’s servants were actually his shadows.
[I wanted to do a Yanafir portrait, but I had no time to draw this week. This is an older illustration, but I hope you enjoy it~]
35
I'm quite enjoing this story but I must ask if/when Amyria is going to become strong enough to accomplish something on her own. Cause she's been a damsel in distress for 2 and a half lives.
I understand that she cannot grow op just like that and there is the tag [slow growth at start], but in my experience romances that start with such a power imbalance never let go of it.
I'm especially not a fan of relationships where one partner is a physical god, while the other cannot even tie their own shoes and gets constantly pushed around.
Thank you for reading and I'm happy it's been enjoyable; I hope her power level will not be a disappointment.
I don't really agree that Zee was a damsel in distress, but I see where you're coming from. She was strong but was still killed by a fellow witch when she was taken off guard. And in her first life she just accepted what other people said about her being useless and never even tried. So what holds her back a lot from her innate power is belief in herself.
If Nix had not shown up, amirya would have been able to unleash more power to save herself and co., but Nix (I tried to insinuate this but it could have been done better) had followed her and calculated his moves to "save" her so that he could get into the palace and have an excuse to be near her.
I will say amirya doesn't end part 1 being strong so I hope that doesn't deter you from the story. It's in part 2 that she really improves as it involves traveling around the kingdom and she really grows once she's out of the capital.
And without really giving too much away I will give away one thing if you don't mind a slight spoiler
amirya will end up stronger than finri
I really appreciate your feedback, it gives me a lot to think about. I have the rest of part one finished but maybe I should edit it a bit if it's bothersome that amirya isn't demonstrating more strength at this point.
Thanks :)
@Verlie <3 Thank you for taking my feedback into consideration. If you don't mind, there's 3 more points I would like to raise:
1) There are a bit too many people out of her weight class manhandling her (it's basically half of the cast): we had the queen, her cousin, Valerian, Cassivan (who outright assaulted her in public), Hale, Gwynna and Finri. And now she's stuck with Nix: an unknown psycho with dubious motives that could overpower even Raven. Personally, I feel it's getting a bit overwhelming.
2) Finri is toeing the line between confidence and emotional abuse (often stepping on the wrong side) and I don't understand how Amirya is fine with this. I certainly would be quite creeped out if someone who could crush me like a bug repeatedly stalked me and entered my home (and then my bedroom) uninvited. When Finri went to "save" her from Valerian, she did the same thing as he by dragging her away with force (worse even, cause Valerian's tug wouldn't classify as sexual harrassment/assault). She's clearly witholding essential information for no apparent reason.
This flashback actually puts her in a much worse light than before (there's a lot of potential drama to capitalize on here): even if eventually Finri defended her, it's still true that she waited until Amirya was almost executed to confess her feelings. All that time they knew each other and Amirya was bullying her, Finri could have told her how she felt and solved things. Instead she waited (for more than a year? I think) until the every end to clear things. Worst of all (and I very much liked this as a reader: such tragedy), she said that her actions would speak for her. That she would save Amirya. But she didn't. And Amirya got executed in a horrible way. There should be drama here.
In short, even if there's a lot of attraction, I don't understand how Amirya isn't borderline hostile to Finri, and only working with her because of convenience, like she wants to do with Valerian (at least at this stage)
3) She tends to put herself in needlessly dangerous situations (like with Valerian and Nix). Even if she knew that Valerian was not "dangerous", she still allowed herself to be separated from her allies and dragged off to an isolated place by a person who definitely isn't friendly. And separating herself from Finri to go free Nix alone was just begging to be kidnapped or worse.
It's plausible that she makes mistakes (and the ambush in this chapter she couldn't have foreseen, obviously), but I think the other characters should point it out. Finri should have told her that going alone to Nix was monumentally... incautious.
Despite the criticism, I'm loving this story, keep it up! :)
@PlaceHolder944
So this really doesn't contain spoilers, I just really want to comment on what you're saying / reading about Finri, but I think I should hide it from people who don't want any hints at all:
I am so, so excited because you're the first one so far to pick up on that Finri isn't a good girl protagonist and that she's doing things that are more than questionable. We're following Amirya's POV, so Amirya has these rose colored glasses for the "protagonist" or "heroine" that she sees Finri as.
I actually really want to tell you so much about Finri now but I will resist! I want to say that when her motivations/truth come out, a lot more is going to make a lot of sense. But you're really picking up on who Finri really is rather than how she wants to be perceived.
Gahhhh I really wanna talk about it so bad with someone but oh well haha.
1) I'm not sure how to fix this in the rest of part 1, but in part 2 when she travels, she's away from almost all of those people, which is going to allow her to grow and work on her own strength. So I hope it is less overwhelming and then when she returns to the capital, it won't be so uneven anymore. I think I wanted to show how in the first life, Amirya really just didn't have a chance with these people around her, controlling the scene. I don't want it to overwhelming or aggravating though! If you have any feedback on how I might could handle this dynamic, I would be really grateful.
2) this really gave me something to think about with the complexity of Amirya's and Finri's relation to each other right now as well as Amirya's feelings. Actually, in my first draft, Amirya was still highly suspicious and annoyed at Finri (while trying to use her) at this point, but back then, I was told it was frustrating, so I edited it so they'd be friends earlier and have more bonding scenes.
And I think one thing about Amirya is that because she was so alone in her first life, and it felt like everyone was against her, she doesn't question Finri enough. She's being much too objective and just happy someone is on "her side". But I still need to consider the complexity of this. After all, Amirya did have a huge inferiority complex too.
3) You're right, Amirya has the penchant to throw herself into trouble without thinking it through (exactly why she even died when she was Zee). She's even going to do this again soon
. I think there is a good scene with Seph and Amirya coming up that I can add to a little bit, I'm pretty sure it's in the next chapter.
I added your comments to my story notebook. I don't know if I'll be able to fix this issues satisfactorily, but I'll definitely think about them and keep them in mind.
I debated with myself for over a year if I was ever going to post this story anywhere, so I'm really happy to hear that despite it's faults, it can still be loved.
I don't consider myself clever or very smart, so it's really hard for me to try and make plots intriguing or to handle the politics of this story. I love dialogue and trying to bring those characters to life, and I did really want to tell the story of these characters. I'm really appreciative of you taking the time to write me feedback, thank you. If you had any suggestions, I would also love to hear them.
Sorry I feel like I rambled a bit and the reply got long!
@Verlie ohh i picked up on this, i just waved it off as them waving it off of, memories , even just of book them, " yeah the book MC would just push them self in like that."
@RoseWinegarden exactly :3