Morpheus didn't spare me. He must have said to himself that I was a shitty friend to Gwenn and that I deserved a shitty night in return. I knew that didn't make sense. We have no proof that ancient Greek deities exists, and provided they did, my current state was still probably due to an internal cause, not an external one (that would've been a fundamental attribution error!).

But still, that day my face was a mess, well, that was not far from my baseline, but still particularly noticeable. To be honest, it's not like there was something specific I could point to and say 'I don't like that', my face was just... dull? I don't know, it might've been irrational but I just didn’t like my face.

I started making my way to school and sent Gwenn a message. She had changed her name and profile picture on our shared server.

tekky : Hey, I did some research and I think I want to use the pass, see you this afternoon?

I chewed on a thought for a few seconds and then added:

tekky: Very cute pfp by the way!

Oh. I hoped she wouldn't find that creepy. Maybe the exclamation mark was too much? Exclamation marks are scary. But at the same time, it was true, her profile picture was very cute! I wished I could let go, and put a profile picture like that. But for now I just had a funny scientist guy from a sci-fi show. I guess that suited me pretty well. Except the funny part.

I deleted that last message. It was dumb, I was a guy, she was going to think I had a crush on her or something like that. And...

Gwenn ☘ :  saw you! 

Nooo, she saw.

Gwenn ☘ : and ty!! 

Gwenn ☘ : feels nice to no longer mull over something as simple as a pfp haha

Phew, she didn't find it weird. 

Gwenn ☘ : also yes, see u at noon

Gwenn ☘ : need to see if you did your homework correctly lol

tekky : Ok. See you later.

I was anxious.

Classes went on as usual. We had a maths test, and unfortunately the background noise was louder than usual. I couldn't get last night's research out of my head.

Why couldn’t anyone agree? Why was there no consensus? I felt like I was missing something. I couldn't wait for science to continue to progress. Imagine, just being able to scan a brain and know if a person is trans, that would save a lot of time. But at the moment, unfortunately, no such discovery had been made. Would that be possible? I wondered what would’ve happened if I had been through such a scan?

I was probably going to fail the test.

The school bell rang and all the other pupils left the classroom full of energy. Not me though, I was busy carefully organising my papers using a sorting algorithm that has been scientifically recognised for its efficiency. As usual, I was the last to leave the classroom.

"Want a bite?" Gwenn was waiting for me at the exit. She had a huge sandwich her parents had made. "It's way too big for me. Who makes sandwiches with a whole baguette anyway? My dad apparently. He's a mystery..." She smiled. "Anyway, if you want you can have one half." She paused. "Don't worry, it's vegan."

I'd planned to go get some fries in the centre, but a veggie sandwich? Prepared by Gwenn's father? Impossible to refuse! From a utilitarian point of view, being vegetarian is the most rational option for maximising good in the world. Not everyone has the opportunity to adopt this diet and that's fine, but I do, and so I'm going along with it. On top of that, if I don't accept I don't know what fate Gwenn has in store for the other half of the sandwich. And I'd hate to waste. I was looking at the sandwich worshipfully, then at Gwenn, then back at the sandwich.

"Okay, take it. But quick please, I feel like you want to eat my hand with it." She laughed, handing me the half-baguette over, and I couldn't help but chuckle along.

We sat down on a bench not far from the school, where there wasn't much activity and I began: "So, I've looked at several sources on the origin of transness."

"Not tripping on your words anymore eh? Well done!" Gwenn winked at me and snatched a bite of her sandwich.

"Y-yes. And the thing is, there's no scientific consensus on how it works?" I looked away. "Like okay, maybe there's no origin, fine. But that's very unsatisfactory and far too sloppy an answer. In the wrong hands, this idea could be used to deny the existence of transness."

Gwenn slowed her chewing and looked at me annoyed, but she let me continue. 

"Then, I've seen all sorts of people saying it's a social craze..." Her annoyance gradually turned to terror. "But when you dig into the studies these people are giving you, it's all pseudoscience. Their arguments are absolutely fallacious. It's a rehash of homophobic rhetoric." I took my first bite, the feeling of freshness swelling in my mouth.

Her face softened. She sighed heavily. "Oh, I was scared for a moment. But yes, it's bullshit. I'm not surprised you picked up on the rhetoric used there." She was talking about my parents. I guess growing up with two mums working for an queer association does give you some tools for understanding the world.

I went back for a bite of the sandwich. This time, it was the turn of a sweet mixture of several raw vegetables to refresh my taste buds. I let out a small sound of contentment. Gwenn looked at me with wide eyes and laughed. I couldn't help blushing, probably bringing back some colours on my tired face.

I continued my train of thought : "And finally, there is multiple studies on hormonal variations during development. And still more on the genetic aspect with twin studies. There's also research into whether brains are more male or female." 

Gwenn nodded.

"But nothing is conclusive and many of those papers contradict each other." I sighed. "Do you have a clue as to the most likely explanation? Let's not forget Ockham's razor!"

Gwenn was thinking about her answer. Although I had been careful to rule out the transphobic hypotheses in my research, I hoped I hadn't struck a sensitive chord. "Look, I can see where you're coming from, I'm also a big fan of deep scientific discussions but I think you're overthinking this." 

It wouldn't have been the first time.

"I'm trans because I want to, because I need to, because it's possible, a bit of all that. Of course, it's possible that science will come up with a more rational explanation one day, but would that really change anything? You said yourself that trans people feel better when they're accepted. It's already a bit like science telling us 'Hey! None of this matters!', isn't it?" Gwenn's face brightened. "Oh, I know! It's like the video you sent me a few days ago. Do you remember?"

Yes, I remembered: it talked about the reification fallacy. The idea is that knowledge is like an object. It would be something immutable, we could carry it with us and exchange it. The map is mistaken for the territory. That's not true, of course, but it's important to be able to put a word to that fallacious idea.

She continued. "Sometimes we tend to think that there's a real, true reality behind everything, every phenomenon, and that all we have to do is to discover it" She scratched the air as she said ‘discover’, as if to place quotation marks around it. "But in real life we're far too biased to have access to that reality. You know what I mean?"

It was my turn to be annoyed. "Yes, but that's not what the reification fallacy exactly means." I was preparing my definition, tucked away in a corner of my brain. But Gwenn cut me off.

"I know, I know, sorry, but it doesn't matter." 

It doesn't matter? 

"Just think about what I said." 

Well okay, only because it was her, I gave it a try.

It made sense, cognitive biases are part of humanity, we can fight them wherever necessary but we can't eliminate them, not yet, maybe not ever. So that would mean that any knowledge is never really immutable knowledge. Okay. Well, actually, that's a bit like the reification fallacy I guess.

"But that means science never has a real answer" It was my turn to scratch the air. "That's still not a satisfactory answer at all."

"Maybe but It's more rational like that, isn't it? To admit that humans aren't perfect? It would be silly to set ourselves up as know-it-alls when the whole of history shows us that we're really very, very dumb most of the time." Well, that definitely sounded true.

"Yes, but we're improving, humanity is making progress?" I tilted my head to the side.

"I don't know, maybe, but it's not in contradiction with what I said".

She was right. I was defeated. "Alright, so we don't know why you're trans, we'll probably never know and that's okay?" Saying it out loud terrified me, the idea was definitely not easy to wrap my head around.

"Yup" Her smile soothed me. " Any more questions?" She stuck her tongue out.

Yes, I had a very important one: "Do you want to play Minecraft after class? I still need to make a piston door for the entrance to the potion farm." I smiled slightly.

"Oh... No, sorry. My friends are taking me shopping for new clothes. I might need to update my wardrobe a bit." She giggled.

My stomach dropped. I'm not sure why, but this news made me sad? Angry? Happy? Emotions are not my area of expertise. Let's leave it at uncomfortable. Of course I couldn't expect her wanting to play with me whenever she gets a drop of free time, but I wouldn't have minded going shopping with her, it sounded fun. I felt... excluded?

No, no, don't let your emotions sway you! There were lots of different reasons why I wouldn't be invited. I guess because I'm a guy she thought I wouldn't be interested. Which is true, guy clothes are boring, but for Gwenn's sake I would have gone. Ugh, why was this so complicated?

"But maybe come later this evening? I'll have finished decorating the thing by then!"

I nodded and let the rest of the day happen, trying very hard to think about something else than Gwenn and the trans stuff.

 

---

 

Wow. The quartz arches fitted perfectly with the curves of the cavern I'd placed the machine in. Gwenn even managed to make the control panel nicer with a few touches of pink and light blue concrete. It's a beautiful combination of colours, both soothing and a little futuristic.

In the meantime, my factory had produced a lot of potions, so Gwenn should've had everything she needs to go to the End and fight the dragon. I'd go with her but I'm terrible at fighting, so I'd rather watch her play.

We were sitting on her bed looking at my laptop screen. I was explaining to Gwenn how the piston door worked. After a little epiphany, she finally understood the system. She even said that I'd done a good job of integrating the design of the door with the rest of the theme. I was delighted to hear that, especially coming from her, I know she really meant it.

That evening, Gwenn had swapped her jeans + jumper for a gorgeous sundress with cute little patterns. Earlier when I arrived, I managed to compliment it without feeling too weird. She also took the time to do her makeup and was definitely very skilled at that.

She returned to her desk, spinning her dress around a little. Dresses are really pretty. I sighed. "I wish I was trans just so I could wear clothes this pretty."