Deep down, I knew exactly what Gwenn was trying to tell me. And it was nagging at me. Did she really think I was trans, that I wanted to... That I wanted to be a girl?

I shook my head and merged with my pillow. The thought of it alone scared me. I felt like I was about to cross a line that was not open to me. A glimpse into a world that unfortunately wasn't meant for me. It felt really unfair. But I wasn't allowed.

I was shaking, I had no bearings, no grip. The few foundations I had left were shattered one by one by facts and logic. I could only contemplate the possibility of being trans, of taking the leap. But I wasn't allowed.

I just wasn't allowed. I wasn't allowed to say: 'Well, that's it, I'm a... a girl' and left it there? Surely, that had to be more complicated than that? There are certain signs that make a trans person realise they're trans. And I clearly didn't show any of them. I was Guy Manson from Malebloke Street, nothing to see here.

‘Signs that I'm trans'.

Enter. 

Google started loading for what seemed like an eternity. My eyes were being insulted by the screen light that late at night. My heart was beating like a drum. Why were my emotions so loud? That was really inconvenient, it's like that buzzing had just taken over all my brain.

Results were in:

'Wanting to be the other gender'

Duh. Not helping. What did "being the other gender" entail? What did "wanting" means here? Didn't anyone think that on a certain level? Too vague, I needed something more precise.

Well, of course, being a girl would be much more interesting. Besides, just like with any scientific subjects, I like to try my hand at everything and research all kinds of things. Being a girl would give me access to so many fresh and varied experiences. But that was for the purpose of basic scientific enquiry, that didn't apply.

'Dreaming of being the other gender'

Fascinating. This is indeed something that has happened to me, quite often. I've always thought that these dreams didn't necessarily mean anything, a simple curiosity perhaps. I had to be careful not to fall into confirmation bias, I needed to do some more research.

‘Wearing neutral, baggy clothes. Having trouble getting dressed'

Again, it’s true that I was like that too. But it’s just more practical that way after all. There was no point thinking this twice, it was simply a matter of pragmatism.

I kept looking and came across a forum. A user wrote her experience: "I never knew how to project myself into a relationship as a man. Whether it was with a man, a woman or an enby, I always wanted to be a woman in the relationship. I don't know how to explain it, it's just how I see myself, that's what works for me."

Taking attraction into account? Fascinating. I totally empathised with that comment. Maybe that was a sign? There's something so sweet about seeing yourself that way. But it was only a personal account, which is very low on the hierarchy of evidence. What I needed was a study on the signs of transness. Better still: a meta-analysis!

‘Don't like being referred to with pronouns of your assigned gender’

This one is different. It's true that I didn't like it. But come on, people have no imagination! Why did they always call me 'dude'? That's plain boring, flat! It would be interesting to mix things up, just to find out how it feels.

But then again, that was the problem, I was only being subjective. Subjective opinion is one thing, but it's not enough. I had to keep a critical mind. I'm not allowed to make this into a simple personal choice, I needed objective data. I needed...

That's it! I needed the opinion of an expert in the field. Surely, some kind of therapist could help find the truth!

I closed my laptop. It was only then that I realised I'd been crying for half an hour. A gentle trickle of salty water, which had escaped my consciousness and eroded my face. At that point, I felt stuck. Yes I had still some question unanswered, but I felt I couldn't turn back. I felt that, soon, I would have to face this issue and all that it implies.

Mind you, given the circumstances, it made sense for me to cry. It was probably the best way to stabilise my condition. It would have been irrational to prevent myself from doing so. So I let the tears flow and fell into a deep sleep.

I had to avoid my mums' gaze all morning. They had clearly understood that something was off. I'd noticed their little worried whispers. My red eyes probably gave them a hint.

To be clear, I knew they'd give me time to muster the energy to tell them. But I just couldn't keep it to myself for too long, I didn't want to let them worry pointlessly.

Let's say, for the sake of argument, that I was trans. Which I don't think I am at the moment, there are too many unknowns in the equation. But let's say that... hypothetically! Then I think my parents would have a good reaction, I know they'd be there for me. And that thought, at least, made me feel a bit better.

Um. That said, I'd probably tell them I was just having a bit of a low. Because that's what it was all about, of course... Who wouldn't feel that way about the prospect of changing gender? It would upset anyone!

Before I left, I did take the time to ask my parents a question. I tried to make it as unsuspicious as possible. They gave me a funny look but answered without pressing further.

Then I quickly packed my things, forgetting to arrange them according to my document sorting algorithm. I didn’t care much about that at that moment. I ran off to school and messaged Gwenn. 

tekky : Hi Gwenn. Can we meet at lunchtime?

Gwenn ☘ : uuh yes ofc

Gwenn ☘ : we don't have any classes today though, it's saturday haha

tekky : Ah yes.

Her message jolted me a bit. Damn, I was so... dumb... What was wrong with me? Gwenn's three little dancing dots were taunting me.

Gwenn ☘ : lol you? forgetting what day it is? how's that even possible?!?¡

Good question. I didn't know how to respond to that.

Gwenn ☘ : oh… ok.

Gwenn ☘ : yes

tekky : Yes

Gwenn ☘ : sprry

Gwenn ☘ : i totally see how that's possible

Gwenn ☘ : sorry i forgor..

Gwenn ☘ : come to my place? parents aren't here so it'll be just us

tekky : Thank you. I'm coming

I turned back towards her house. I thought I was as ready as I could be, but I was pretty sure that, if anyone saw me that day, they'd probably just see an angsty gu– ugh... an angsty mess.

I was still very sceptical, there was that one point that was still sticking to my mind: in order to be trans, you had to get professional guidance. It was no small matter, so you had to be conscientious and seek the advice of someone who isn't biased.

"Goddess, you have a serious case of thick-headedness." Gwenn was sitting next to me on her bed. She had listened attentively to my last line of defence. "You know, I didn't really go to a professional for this. Sure, I talked about it with other queer people I know." She said as she winked at me, I couldn't figure out why. "And then the realisation took its little time. But in the end, it was all my own thing."

Oh.

"B-but I need... I have to..." I wasn't expecting that answer. She was right, she had already explained that gender was a personal matter. A completely social, self-determined kind of thing. Something neither science nor experts will have a definite answer for.

Now, I don't get it. I don't understand why I thought that "professional guidance" argument was a good one? That was just an appeal to authority, and a very poor one at that. My brain was playing tricks on me, all my usual tools were lacking.

"If it makes you feel better, you can always go and see a therapist. That said, you need to choose the right one for you of course!" Then she paused. She put her hand on my shoulder. She was staring at me. "But right now... You," she pointed at me, "What do you want?"

Querelle

"I've always thought that these dreams didn't necessarily mean anything, a simple curiosity perhaps" is something I really said to someone a few days after I hatched. I was very compact!!