The silence was unbearable. I lost myself in Gwenn's eyes. If I'd been a machine, I'd be fuming. My cogs would be clicking relentlessly. My processor would be melting away.

What do I want? What do I want? I don't know! What? Did it matter? I bit my lip. "Well, I think your arguments are good. I guess you're right." My heart was racing. "Indeed, I want to be a girl."

There, I said it.

Her eyes had softened, her shoulder grip loosened and her smile began a little stretching workout.

"But" I hurried on. "That doesn't mean I'm trans!" I distanced myself from her and waved my hands in refusal.

Gwenn tilted her head. I took a deep breath. "I don't need this, I might want it but I can live my life without it. And I think it'll probably be too much trouble if I transition. What I mean is, I am... I'm not sufficiently trans... Y-you know what I mean?"

I wasn't quite sure where I was going with this. But I was in an emergency situation so I deployed a very dirty tactic: making up my points on the spur of the moment, without considering whether they would be compatible with the rest of the development. I just hoped she hadn't noticed.

"Yes, I understand very well indeed... I used to think the same thing." She noticed.

Okay so... next argument then. What would that be. I don't know? I just... I just didn't know what to say?

Oh, shit, shit, shit. My breathing quickened. My vision dropped to the ground. I was shaking.

"Okay. You're clearly freaking out. I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do to help you feel better?"

Me? Freaking out? Is that what freaking out is? And no, I didn't know how to make it better! It was kind of the first time I had ever felt this.

Gwenn, just tell me that I'm cis and that's it, I thought without actually having the courage to say it. I'd be very disappointed but that would be much more convenient. Less freaking out involved. My hands had begun to clench my thighs. My breathing was positively noisy.

"Hey hey, come here." She had pulled me into her arms. I tensed up. I was scared. She must have sensed it because she loosened her grip slightly then started gently patting my back.

When I felt her hands on my back, when I realised her care and affection, I started to cry. I let go of everything, I didn't give a damn any more, I broke all the walls, I just had to get it out. I grabbed Gwenn and hugged her tightly, I couldn't look at her. She hugged me back.

I was in so much pain. Why did it hurt? Why was this happening to me? I should have planned for this. I should have considered all the different aspects of the problem. I should have looked for the flaw in the argument. I failed, I gave in and lost control. Now I was falling without a parachute into an abyss I hadn't taken the proper time to study, to map, to understand.

But Gwenn was there with me, she already had all the equipment to help me. She stroked my head. I became fixated on the sensation. I focused on her fingers gently stroking my hair in a harmonious rhythm. I tuned my breathing to that melody.

"It hurts," I finally said, through my tears. My voice was broken. My throat was dry. "I'm scared too... I think." My words were chopped up by the steady sound of a sob. "I don't want to go back... It hurts... And... And I don't want to keep going forward... It scares me." I think I might have soaked Gwenn's dress.

I felt her breath. "You don't have to have an answer today dude." I winced. "If you're not sure you-"

"Not a dude." The words slipped out. Time stopped.

I gently pulled back and turned my gaze back to Gwenn. Through the tears I could make out her face. I wondered if she was crying a little too. "Of course. Sorry…"

She grabbed my shoulders.

"Girl?" She was smiling, I could hear it.

My heart warmed and a small wave of happiness swept through my body. That felt right.

“C-can I?” My eyes were itching.

"Yes! Of fucking course you can! Girl, you're such an ass!" She let out a silly little giggle, then patted me on the head. All I could do was follow her lead and let out a silly little giggle back.

She sighed. "How are you feeling?"

"I don't know..." I took a long breath. "I don't know what I'm doing, what I'm thinking. I feel like I'm doing something really dumb." I struggled for words. "B-but I want to, I want to so very, very, very much."

"Oh come here." She hugged me tight and whispered in my ear: "You're a girl... Okay?"

Ooooaaa. Tummy sparkles. "O-okay..."

I let go of Gwenn and looked at her. "Is it okay to just... do something because you want to?"

"Yes. Yes it is." She gave me a stern look.

"Buuuut..." She loosened her gaze and smiled. "Something tells me you had a lot more going on than just wanting to. I've never seen you in such a state. Usually you're in 'Agrooh agrooh, I'm a Miss Know-It-All, my emotions are irrelevant to understanding this situation' mode." Again, my heart did this (new) thing where it suddenly felt really good and warm and happy. "But it looks like you've finally come across a situation where your emotions are litteraly the most relevant thing."

Oh Gwenn, just don't say that without warning. I let out another little sob. She understood me completely, she knew what to say. 

"Oh crap, did I say something wrong?" She took my hands in hers and squeezed them gently.

"No..." my voice creaked, "no, it's just that you're so right. It makes so much sense when you put it like that. Thank you." I pulled her again into a hug, a happy one.

I lost myself in her arms for a while. Then we laid down in bed. Then I repeated, "Thank you".

"You're welcome, my queen."

We spent the rest of the morning together enjoying a long nap. I curled up on Gwenn's side while she was looking up at the ceiling.

After a while she whispered to me, "Hey, I'm going to make some tea, want some?"

I let out a little croaked groan. "Mmm... yeeesss..." And I began the lengthy and torturous process of waking up.

When that unpleasant thing was finally dealt with, I was sitting on the edge of the bed again. Gwenn was probably still making tea downstairs. I ran my hand over my face to rub my eyes, which were stinging a little.

"Here." Gwenn had entered the room while I wasn't looking. She was handing me a mug marked 'You can do this' and a little strawberry flying around. "Careful it's still a bit warm."

Ouch, oh yes indeed.

"Feeling better?" She sat back in her chair. She blew on her drink a few times and then began to sip.

I sighed. "Yeah, I guess so. I still can't believe what's happening." I smiled, looking down at my mug. "I guess I... I'm a trans girl then..."

"Yeah. I'm not surprised." She laughed.

"What are you talking about? I'm... No. I was the most masculine guy" – Urgh, that was not pleasant to say – "in class?"

She burst out laughing. "Do you really think that? Like, I know what you mean, in a very, very convoluted way, but like... no? You were such an egg, you winced every time someone said your name, you always said you hated the way you looked, let's not even talk about the way you dressed, you literally said you wanted to wear dresses!"

I wasn't quite sure I understood. My eyes widened. "Don't all guys think that?"

Then I thought back to what she'd just said. "And what's this egg thing again?" My voice jumped a little.

She caught her breath. "Oh no silly, not all guys think that. But usually, eggs do. That's what we call trans people who don't realise they are trans yet or who are in denial." She winked and pointed at me. "A chick in the inside!"

"You think I was in denial?" I was a little taken aback, I thought I was generally well-equipped to avoid this kind of pitfall.

Okay, to be honest, my tools have been of no use to me this week. Maybe it was time to update them. I'd have a method overhaul to carry out. But that's for another time.

"Okay. Yes. I suppose you're not entirely wrong," I admitted.

She giggled. "Still in debate mode, I see." She looked at me intensely. "Was all that talking a debate for you? Do you think I won?"

I thought about it, placing my hand on my chin. "Mm-yeah - except for a few points! - I think you were mostly right."

She could hardly contain her giggling. And I have to admit, it was a bit funny. "Silly girl."

Ooooeee.

"If you say so." I joined her in this little moment of joy and burst out laughing with her and we got lost in the moment.

Then, when Gwenn had calmed down a bit, she asked me a question. Her voice was soft. "I know it might be a bit early, but knowing how you think, you might have already an idea... Have you thought about a name?"

"Yes." I've been waiting for this moment. "Marie.”

That’s me now!

"I asked my mums this morning. They told me that's what they would have called me if I was a girl. And... since it appears I am one..." 

It felt so good to just be able to say that, my stomach was full of butterflies.

"...That's the most rational choice of name, isn't it?" I finally managed a smile.

Querelle

That's it!

...

ok no, I lied, there's still a big epilogue coming hehe