I'll Be Horned For Christmas
By DerbyGhost
Mom’s Eggnog - A new addition to our winter menu, Mary swears by it. She says she found the recipe in an old family cookbook, which means that you can get plastered on something that absolutely fucked up someone in the ‘50s. It’s Eggnog. According to Mary it’s “A delivery mechanism for alcohol.” Why are you still reading this description?
“Y’know this is the only Christmas song with a slur in it right?” I grinned, tapping my claws on the bar in tune to the Pogues. My girlfriend rolled her eyes, but didn’t say anything yet so I kept going. “Or at least, the only mainstream one. I don’t know if there are some secret bigot Christmas songs that are a huge hit in the super Conservative circles. Do you think they release, like, a very Q Anon Christmas?”
Ashley groaned as she sipped her eggnog. The recipe still wasn’t right, I wasn’t sure if there was a tweak that my mom made to the recipe but it still didn’t taste like home. “What, would there be songs like I Saw Momma Kissing an Agent of the Deep State? And anyway, you’re not just dropping that statement and moving on. They say braggart.”
“Ah, ah, ah!” I said, tapping a finger against an antler. “They say braggart now. It was originally a word that rhymed with it.”
“No way, Santa Fe.”
“Seriously! Look it up. They just played it with a slur on radio stations everywhere and nobody cared until like, a couple of years ago.” I laughed and grabbed a beer glass from a glassy eyed Satyr. “But honestly I like it better with the slur. The song is from the viewpoint of these incredibly broken people and it feels more honest that way. A little more raw and really showing the love/hate Alpha Couple Mountain Goats ass relationship they have for each other.”
Ashley had had enough of my bullshit and decided to do her favorite tactic, talk about me directly to Chappell. “She’s going into video essay mode again. Could you be a deer and tell my fabulous doe to reign it in a little bit?”
“Oh no, I’m not diving in between you two flirting again. The last time I did this I’m pretty sure we ended up in the bathroom having a very impassioned debate while there was nobody left manning the bar. Besides, some of us actually work during the Christmas party. So shoo, I have things to do. Shoo.”
“Weren’t you the one who told me last year that my main job was to just stand here and look pretty?” I batted my eyelashes, getting a playful smack from Chappell’s wing in return.
“You’ve got a thirsty customer, dingus. So drag yourself away from your girlfriend and serve them or else I’ll figure out how to get you moved to serving humans in the regular airport. I promise. I’ll do it this time.”
“Yeah, yeah. I gotcha.” I shot her a wink and made my way down the bar. As much as I loved being a pain in her ass there were some times that a girl did have to actually do their job. A slime gal had been pouring over the menu for the last five minutes and finally was looking my way. I approached her slowly, reveling in the click of my hooves on the wooden floor. Even if a year had passed I still got a shiver of joy hearing how deliciously feminine it was moving around in my new body. “Merry Christmas and welcome to the Three Horned Goat, got any questions? Chappell goes a little nutmeg with the Holiday menu so if you aren’t sure just lemme know. Trust me, I’ve had just about everything.”
The slime bubbled for a second taking one last look at the menu. “Yeah, I was looking at the eggnog but eggnog is always so tough when you get it out somewhere. How is it?” She sloshed her head to the side, dripping little bits of pastel pink goop over the bar.
I smiled, and pulled out a cup to pour a little sip for the two of us to try together. I took a deep sip, swirling the creamy drinkable pudding around in my mouth for a second before shivering once the hard alcohol kicked in. “It’s not how my mom used to make it, but it’s pretty damn good if you ask me.”
A slime gal had been pouring over the menu for the last five minutes
That's a pun I never expected to see.
wonderful!!
Where is. The rest of the stories
Absolutely fantastic, thanks for the story <3