Plantorsomething

This one took long not because I forgot, but because it was difficult finding the tone and pacing that felt the most right for such an important and sensitive scene. I hope I did a good job.

           Dinner wasn’t the fancy meal he’d expected. August thought his daughters would’ve tried to make some sort of elegant steak to force a romantic atmosphere, but instead the two had worked together to make a surprisingly delicious margarita pizza. When or where they learned to make it, he had no idea, but he wanted to offer a free commission to whoever the tutor was. The other parts weren’t as surprising; a candlelit table on the backyard balcony, with an open roof to see the stars and moon and walls on either side to keep out neighbors prying the mosaic wards, however unlikely. 

            It was almost enough of a distraction to take his mind off of his shallow breaths, or the shakiness of his frayed nerves. Asra hadn’t even said anything yet, but his brain was hardwired to panic whenever she had big plans for the two of them.

            “I wanted to hear your opinion on something.”

            Oh gods, here we go. “Sure.” He answered helplessly.

            “A lot of people have made comments about how all of your Living Blades end up being daughters, which is extremely unlikely. But I don’t remember anyone ever asking what you think.”

            At the topic, exasperation immediately flooded him. He was just about done hearing this crap. He knew why, but he obviously couldn’t tell anyone the real reason.

            “I’m just a man. Maybe I have a more effeminate nature that influenced my daughters, but I’m not cursed, I’m not gay, and I don’t have some sick repressed fetish.” He repeated as he’d done a thousand times before.

            Asra had a look of offense. “I don’t think you’re gross. Why would you think that?”

            August winced. He must be more tired than he thought to let that last one slip. “Sorry, not you. I didn’t want to say it because it wasn’t a big deal, but pissed nobles tend to spread unflattering rumors, and I’ve gotten dumb comments about it when they catch me alone.”

            Asra’s green eyes blazed in the candlelight, mimicking his own for a second before returning to their usual calculative look. “Bastards, the lot of them. They’re just cowards, you know that right?”

            He smiled painfully, holding up a drink before saying, “They always have been.” 

            There was a beat of silence as they ate. August said that, but he couldn’t deny that they instilled some doubt. His children were daughters because he was technically a woman, but what possessed him to make his demon sword body a female, he’ll never know. It was far too long ago, and all the emotions from that time were tightly sealed in a chest hidden in a dark corner of his mind where he’ll never see them again.

             “What would you say are your feminine traits, then, if they’re strong enough to overcome the norm.”

             He froze as he processed that. August had absolutely no idea, but he guessed there were some things his daughters had said…

             “Supposedly, I have a motherly aura.” He said slowly. “I live like a working housewife, and although I do bond with my daughters through exercise, I’m more openly intimate and emotionally involved than a father usually would be?” He concluded lamely.

             Asra nodded, but didn’t look satisfied. “These are all like you said though; motherly. Even your first Living Weapon was a daughter, so what traits did you have before that?”

             With this, August was completely stumped. He didn’t like dwelling on the past, so most of those memories were distant. Noticing his cluelessness, Asra smiled sadly. “Well, I’ll try to jog your memory then. Back when you were shorter than me, some friend of Eliza’s thought you were a girl because your hair was long. You were excited when he mistook you, and we made a bit of a game out of trying to get strangers to think you were a girl after that.”

              It took August a moment, then he perked up. “Oh! I totally forgot about that! That was fun, yeah. Gaslit the new neighbor’s kid for a week.”

             He smiled at the memory, even though part of him felt like it was picking at an old scab. Asra jumped on the moment.

             “How did you feel pretending to be a girl? Did you like it?” He blinked, and then furrowed his brow. “It was fun…” He tried to find the right words. “It was sneaky, and…it made me feel proud that I could be mistaken like that?”

             His last words were mumbled, and the puzzle pieces were starting to click together with everything in their outing. What Asra was trying to say.

             And then she said “Have you heard of the second princess?”, and his understanding fell apart.

             “Oh. Are the King and Queen having another? How did I miss that?” He questioned. Princess Rays had a younger brother named Verin, but she didn’t have a sister.

             “No. The official story is that “prince” Verin was never a prince, and was cursed to be a boy from a young age, forever feeling uncomfortable in her own skin. It wasn’t until her sister slew the witch that cast the curse just last month that it was finally broken. The news is slowly being distributed.” She ended, clearly taking delight in his bewildered expression.

             “Okay…? I don’t believe I, a random civilian, was cursed with the same spell. The story sounds a bit iffy in the first place.”

             “That’s because there are bits I’m not telling you. It wouldn’t be right. I’m telling you because I was one of those who helped the princess with the curse, and we’ve talked since then. I ended up talking to her about you, and she’s wanted to meet you ever since.”

             “A personal meeting with the second princess!? Why me??” He wanted to scream. This was so far from what he’d expected, it hadn’t even been marked on the map.

             Asra smiled sheepishly. “Well, you are pretty famous. Or infamous. You’re already involved with the higher circles indirectly, maybe it’s about time you set real connections.” It wasn’t a great answer, but it was a decent excuse. August was feeling strangely relieved yet also… let down. He built up this moment in his head, and he still didn’t fully understand Asra’s aim. He searched his mind, piecing together the clues of the evening, until…

              “Do you think I’ve got a woman's soul in the wrong body?” The words were quieter than a whisper. Asra’s eyes widened, and she reached across the table, holding his hand that’d become a fist without him noticing. She smelled concerned but also excited, like she was anticipating something.

              “What do you think?” She asked softly.

              August breathed out harshly, and pushed his plate aside so he could lean an elbow on the table. His hand went further than he wanted it to, and he almost tipped over a glass of Asra hadn’t caught it with her insane reaction speed. 

              It felt good. It felt so, so good, like a breath of fresh air after breathing in smog from the forge for hours on end. But there was also… there was also…

              You don’t want to become a demon blade, now do you?

              Bile burned the back of his throat. 

              He could feel it gnawing at him, every hour of every day. The ravenous void in his soul. He didn’t need food or water anymore; a noticeable difference between him and normal Living Blades. Instead, he sustained himself off of something far more sinister.

              During those first couple of years, he’d browsed and bought just about every book he could legally find on demonology before getting rid of most of them to assuage suspicion. He was desperate to find any sort of evidence that he hadn’t forged his soul into an inherently evil deity. What he found was that there were many interpretations and types across different cultures, but the general makeup of the demons in this region were all the same. An evil spirit preying on humans, whether it be through cruel, horrible killings… or temptation. 

             This was why a demon was so often written as and reported as creating rigged magical contracts, fulfilling the superficial wishes of shortsighted and emotional humans in exchange for their souls. 

            A demon like August.

            “No.” His voice was weak. Pleading. The pit of hunger twisted mercilessly in his stomach as he smelled the increasing concern from Asra.

            “You liked growing your hair long so much that you cried when mom chopped it off for safety in the forge.” Her thumb caressed the back of his hand.

            “No.” He said in a stronger, but desperate tone.

            “It’s nothing to be ashamed of. When I told you I liked women, you said you wanted to be a lesbian too.” Her piercing eyes made him feel vulnerable, naked in a way that made something deep inside him snap.

            “No! I can’t be a woman!” He shouted, banging on the table with his other hand.

            “Why not?” Asra raised her voice for the first time.

            Because then everything I went through to force it all down deep in my chest; the stabbing emptiness at my soul, the disgust, self hatred, the loneliness? 

            “Because then it could have never happened! None of it! All those years…” August’s voice choked, and he didn’t know what Asra saw in his face, but her eyes widened, and then she was on her knees next to his chair and he was bawling into her shoulder.

            “It- hic- it can’t-“

            “I’m sorry.”

            The two words slammed into her chest like a battering ram, and she let out an agonized wail that made her squeeze tighter. She forged herself into an abomination. Forced her soul into a disgusting, unnatural evil, and all because she wanted to be a girl? It was so fucking stupid that it made her want to rend the flesh from her metalic skeleton and dive headfirst into a furnace of hellfire.

           At some point, Lyra and Vayla joined in with the hug. In the end she sobbed so much with her disgusting voice it strained her lungs and throat raw, and she cried so much it could have drained all the fluid she had in her body. 

           Having her kids see her like this; broken, drained of life, reduced to a wailing toddler throwing a tantrum for her mother? It made her so fucking sick that she could have killed herself right then and there. What kind of a father -well, mother- was she? An antisocial mess who could barely hold herself together. Worrying her kids and losing herself to overwork so she could forget about her problems? Always making everything worse because she was too stupid to do anything right? Hammering away at her soul to satiate her emptiness with her own daughters. 

           She was a woman now. Great. But it didn’t change the fact that she was a disgusting demon that threatened humanity. One that tricked people into feeding her by preying on their desires. 

           August hugged her children close, naturally feeding off of their different flavors of concern, relief, worry, and happiness. She leaned into Asra’s embrace, lapping up her desire to protect and change things for the better. These were her precious people. The ones she loved deeply, and would do anything to help. They had arranged this entire day for the sole sake of helping her, the fuckwit who can’t even help herself. 

          Asra would probably cancel that meeting with the princess now that she didn’t need it, but she was still right about one thing. August was getting popular. Famous. Sooner or later she’d be forced to interact with nobles or royalty in a far more intimate way than she’d ever done before. Wealthy people who had access to a lot of detection and security magic. Magic more potent than the high-end civilian scraps she used to hide herself.

          A monumental weight on her shoulders that had been building and pressing down on her for more than a decade was finally lifted. For the first time in years, August pulled back, and looked at her loved one with a smile not to override the constant pain in the background, but of pure relief and happiness.              

          “I love you all so much.”