Zephilinox

It seems 8PM UTC is a very popular time so to try and make the series stick on the front page for longer, I'm releasing it at 8:16PM UTC instead. Sorry for the wait!

Feel free to leave a comment or suggestion about the title.

sigh

I had what was probably the best sleep of my life - and at the same time, not? Does that make sense? I checked my Status and all my attributes have recovered, but there’s a lingering emptiness. I guess this wasn't all a dream after all.

"Maybe I’m just hungry." I say to Nora. I'm probably not though - and best not to think about it. It's not like I can afford to buy anything right now anyway.

It’s been so long since I’ve been so physically and mentally drained for me to be able to sleep like that. Usually it takes a good few hours of revenge bedtime procrastinations. The best part? No alarms! It’s basically a weekend!

Which means all I want to do is bask in the darkness of my room, with the window blinds blocking out as much light as possible. I guess I can delay going to the bathroom for a few more hours, despite my bladder feeling like it's about to pop. I could just close my eyes and think of my old life, the one that changed forever about... a day ago?

"A day? It’s been one day!? It feels like it was so long ago!"

"funday!"

I wasn’t close to many people, but I hope everyone else is doing better than I am. Nearly 20,200 Ether in debt and I'm way in over my head trying to fit in, or at least hide, in a completely alien environment.

It's weird, thinking about everyone else and what they're doing right now. The colleagues I tolerated; my family; the friends that slowly drifted apart, you know the ones - close friends for weeks, months, or years until one day... we just stop talking. Sometimes I reach out. I wonder how they are, but it never leads to anything. Just vague promises that we'll catch up one day. The ironic thing? When people do try to stay connected with me, I just end up forgetting about them or I push them away. Maybe I don't really like them? Or maybe to protect myself? It's hard to understand where my introversion ends and my desire for friends begins. Ugh, I'm just a walking contradiction.

Are they all going through the same thing? Are they on Earth, or somewhere else?

The truth is, I like being alone; no one can hurt me if I don’t let them get close enough. That’s not to say people are bad, or evil, or that I hate them. It’s just that I’m never the priority in their lives. One day we get on well, and the next day it feels like they push me away. There’s social circles and drama and relationships and responsibilities and at the end of the day, what I want is someone who want to understand me and value me, because I sure as hell can’t understand or value myself - and hopefully they don't suffocate me with their needs and expectations.

Most of all though - I’m scared. I’m scared to appear demanding, or needy, or be an inconvenience. I’m scared I’ll be asking for too much, or that they’ll think badly of me. I’m scared of being the one to make plans; not only because of when they say no, but also because I don’t always know if I even want it. It’s just easier to not worry about it and to let life pass me by instead.

I slowly trace the old scars on my arms.

"It's easier being alone..."

"wataboutme!"

Hehe, true... sorry, Nora.

There have been people in seemingly unimportant moments; moments I think about far too often. Sometimes they made me feel like I am their whole world, and I would imagine endless different possible futures with all of them. But I know I’m nothing to them, as much as I wish I were. Having to accept that every time is painful. It's easier to just keep the fantasy alive, until I slowly forget about them.

I’ve spent years trying to fit in - to not let anyone get too close to seeing who I really am. To take fake it till you make it far too literally. But I know I’ll never make it. Perhaps if I had been diagnosed sooner. Perhaps if I had a normal childhood. Perhaps if my family weren’t as messed up as I am…

That’s not how life goes, however. There are potential turning points that have forever defined the direction of my life, and more often than not we choose to go with the flow, only to hurt myself as a result. Inaction is as much of a choice as anything else. I thought I had missed all of my turning points, but now here I am in Lumiria. Maybe things will be different, this time?

I know I’ll never be normal - [Masking] skill or otherwise. My existence is an unending suffering that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Every day is a struggle; every sensory overload; every squick. It all makes me question why I wake up, day after day, but often it’s just easier to keep flowing. If it wasn't for Rita... well...

"isokay! huggies"

So... I find ways to escape from reality; to experience a life that is beyond normality. To have a true purpose, knowing that I am special, I am unique, and not in that patronizing ‘you’re doing really well!’ way that people tell you anytime you struggle to do something neurotypicals find ordinary, despite being an adult. That’s why I read books and play games. To be a Hero. To save the day. To go on an adventure and a quest and make friends and live in a world where the ‘Good Gals’ always win, overcoming the villains. Beating Evil in the face of all adversity. To experience failure with none of the costs, and success with all of the priviledges. To not be judged.

"And it's always fun seeing numbers go up"

"UwU"

There are people out there who have probably wished they were me right now. They've always wanted a ‘System Integration’, exploring an alien city like this on a brand new world and figuring out how it all works. I guess their wish came true.

I think I was one of those people too, but now I’m here living that reality and trust me, it doesn’t solve anything. My problems, insecurities, anxieties, and everything else that has made my life difficult hasn’t diminished - if anything, they’ve increased. Yes, it's kind of exciting, but... I'm still stuck being me.

Everything is overwhelming, and all I want to do is stay in bed.

If I stay in bed, I can’t cultivate.
If I don’t cultivate, I won’t have Ether.
If I don’t have Ether, I can’t stay in bed.

Unless!

“Nora!”, I say, sitting up in excitement. “What if… I can cultivate from here? I can’t feel the same flow as I did back in the sand-park-plaza-thing but, magic is magic right? Why would it matter?

“ootwyittwyit!”

Mmmm It’s probably stupid… otherwise why would all of those people be sat there?

I lay my head back down and close my eyes - not to fall asleep, unfortunately, but to try and focus. Deep Breaths. Focus on the energy around me - it’s weak, but I can feel it - and I pull. It's almost like an extra sense, sort of like pressure? Or maybe when you feel those hairs on the back of your neck, as if someone is watching you. To have something as intangible as Ether move at my whims. It's addictive. Empowering...

And it’s working! It’s not moving as fast as it was yesterday, but some days we just need to accept our limitations and prioritize getting through it to try again tomorrow. That’s what we always say, anyway. 'Maybe tomorrow'

sparkle Bedrot Vibes sparkle

> [Ether Cultivation - Novice Grade]
> Ether Generation: 18
> [Ether Crystalisation - Novice Grade]
> Crystalisation Rate: 5.5

It’s about half as much as yesterday - not bad for laying in bed. For bonus points not only is there no sand, no people, and no suns! but I also get to lay here, comfy, with Nora at my side.

huggies!

Now this is the kind of capitalism I can get behind.

One interesting side-effect of cultivation is that with a bit of math, we can figure out how much time has passed. I don’t know how people keep time here otherwise, no obvious signs of clocks, but about 8 hours passed while one part of me focused on cultivation, and another, somehow separate shard of mental thoughts continued on in the background, dreaming up crazy stories where I. Lara Mycroft. Save the world!

Hehe.

It's a bit like zoning out when commuting. One moment you're at home, and then the next moment you're at your destination and you don't quite remember how you got there.

> [Ether Crystal]
> Ether: 42

As much as I hate to get up and be a functioning human being right now, I not only need to desperately use the bathroom but I also haven’t eaten anything since that breakfast bar yesterday and while I’ve been drinking the tap water like the dehydrated feral animal that I am, I can’t ignore it any longer. Food. I need food.

“MmMmm tasty seagulls…”

“SQUAWK!”

Activate my [Masking] and… let’s go!

“Hello!”, I say to the same devil-horned humanoid at reception with as much happy energy as I’m able to muster.

“Good evening”, they say in that same uncaring tone.

“I’m sorry, I forgot to ask you for your name last night! I was so exhausted. I only just arrived in the city and it was quite the journey.” So why am I not asking them for their name now? I don’t unders-

“Mmm, I’m Telviv. You’re in room 201 right? Lara?”

Oh, right, they’ll just tell me their name anyway.

“That’s right! Nice to meet you Telviv!”

The smalltalk goes on for a while. As much as I want to ask every question I can about how this world works, I don’t think I want to broadcast how naïve to it all I am. The fact I can speak the language at all thanks to my masking skill is helpful, but I can’t ask anyone anything weird. I get the feeling people popping up out of nowhere at level 1 is not common.

They serve drink and food here at the bar, so I order some kind of meat stew - I’m sure I don’t want to know - and arrange staying another night. Thankfully the texture is pleasant and familiar, I was worried I wouldn't be able to handle it, though maybe my skill has something to do with that, too?

We (Me, my brain, and my masking skill) eventually explain that we are cultivating each day to afford the room, having arrived with no Ether and needing to use a leech to enter.

“Oh not to worry! It could happen to any of us. I’ll make sure I don’t book out your room to anyone else, one less thing for you to worry about!”

There’s a kindness in their eyes - I think that’s what my skill is telling me, anyway. Alien body language isn’t exactly my forte.

"Thank you." I say - and I truely meant it.

It seems a little allistic extraversion is the secret to all friendly social interactions. I guess being normal really is too much to ask for, even in this world.