"Look. I don't want to talk about it."

 

 

 

 

Miriam slowly tilted her head to the side, "You don't...?" She shook her head, "No. I'm serious here. I usually understand what you are talking about, but for some reason, I can't figure out what you are referring to. What the Hell is THAT BOOK?"

 

Andrew sighed as he slipped into lecture mode, "Back in the old days, back when the game was first made, there was First edition and it was good, but kinda buggy. And so they decided to clean it up, put the rules in a better order, and lo Second edition was created, and it was good...-ish. Second edition cleaned up much of the game, but the game was still based on rules that had been built over time, and that led to a lot of legacy problems."

 

Andrew kept talking as he kept walking, "Patches placed upon patches. Kludges made of kludge. Errors and problems had crept in. The game was floundering. They needed to give it new life, so someone came up with the idea to rebuild the game from the ground up. And lo, t'was born third edition, the version of the game this world appears to follow."

 

 "Appears?" Miriam squinted, "Wait... this world is based on a game-game? That... isn't a metaphor? That way you think of everything isn't just a way to see the world, but it's an actual..." Her voice trailed off as she started to realize she hadn't been seeing things the same way as Andrew and there was a reason he kept surprising her.

 

Andrew missed her existential crisis and shrugged before continuing, "Or the game was based on this world. Chicken, meet egg. Anyway, Third edition was a bold new re-imagining. Much more freedom. Much more customization. Experience points became something you could SPEND on top of something you used to merely level up your character. It opened up many, many new options, but..." He looked around, then back toward his companion, "Well, there were mistakes. Flaws. Excellent plan, but bad execution. So, they came up with Third edition... revised."

 

"Uh... why not just call it Fourth edition?"

 

"It was too soon. Nobody wanted to have to re-buy everything, even if that's what everyone wound up doing. But the vast majority of things stayed the same between Third and Revised. Revised was a good idea. It fixed a lot of broken mechanics that only became obvious during actual gameplay. It also created a... quasi-state of existence for third edition, non-revised material."

 

Miriam nodded and was genuinely interested in where the conversation was going, "Okay. Go on."

 

"Among the power gaming community, there was a huge argument. Everything was technically third edition, but some people thought that anything non-revised shouldn't be allowed. Some thought it should be up to the individual, whereupon one should be able to choose whatever rule set fits their purpose." He shook his head, "That got shot down fast. There was some merit to the argument when Revised just got rolled out, but by the end, when they finally moved onto fourth, a consensus was reached."

 

"And that was?"

 

"Anything that was replaced in Revised was canon. Anything not replaced was still canon but had to be used as written. You couldn't adjust it to meet revised standards. So, that left a whole lot of non-revised rules and whatnot that could be used..." He glanced sideways at Miriam, "But honestly, it wasn't much of a problem. Ninety-nine percent of the stuff that was still valid was mostly useless because of how it was written, or only situationally abusive like stilts." He snapped his fingers, "Oh god. That's right. I need a pair of stilts. Two feet tall should be enough."

 

"Stilts? The poles you stand on?"

 

Andrew nodded, "Yeah. they aren't that useful, but there are a few situations where you can take advantage of a movement rule loophole for stilts. I'll explain it some other day because that's not the point."

 

"Okay. What's the point?"

 

"The point is the one book that was never revised. The one book that never had anything in it fixed. The one book the creators of the game just wanted to forget ever existed. The rule book for playing... monsters."

 

"Playing monsters?"

 

Andrew nodded, but much slower this time, "Oh yes. There are only so many races a player can choose to be. You can't play say... a slime, for example. There are the playable races, and there are the monster species, and never the twain shall meet."

 

"Wait... am I a monster species?"

 

Andrew nodded energetically this time, "Oh yeah. You are BRO-HO-KEN. That's the problem. If you allow playing monster races, the combination of player-only choices, and monster choices becomes downright INSANE. Being a familiar blurs the line, as well. You have hit dice AND levels." He rolled his hand in the air, "Also, there is a whole lot of abuse with polymorphism and mind control. Both of which I LOATH and DESPISE. They are the path to ultimate cheese. It is the road taken by the weak. But even then, beyond shapechange and mind thrawls is the Book-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named. The Monster as Players book. The book that never got revised, because they never wanted to allow players to be monsters again."

 

He took in a sharp breath through his teeth, "The problem is, people bought the book. They didn't want their money to go to waste. So, as much as everyone wanted to book banned, they couldn't for marketing reasons. Instead, they just... ignored it and hoped that the problem would go away." He clicked his tongue, "I remember reading the FAQ of the website where I applied for my character. I distinctly remember it saying that all third-edition and revised books were allowed. So... I have to assume it isn't banned."

 

He stopped at the top of the next hill to look out across the thick and verdant forest, "Everyone realized the book was broken as soon as it was released. It got banned by just about everyone who played the game and justly so. The problem is... the game creators never took a stand. By ignoring it, it became a flaw. A festering wound in the game mechanics. That isn't a problem when it was just a game. But here..." His voice trailed off.

 

Andrew took Miriam in his hand and held her where he could see her. She sat in his palm, looking up at him with a rather curious expression as he continued, "You said you think what I do is evil? No. What I do pushes the limits, but I don't shatter reality. Abusing shapeshifting and mind control is abhorrent to me, but I understand why people do it. I understand why such game mechanics exist. But to abuse... THAT BOOK?"

 

He shuddered, "Imagine taking a Duke of Hell and making all of his powers available to a human, and that human was just first level. Imagine you could change your species on a whim, at no cost, without even using a spell. Imagine you could drain all your experience into a bottle, level up, drain all your experience into that bottle AGAIN, and do that over and over. It is so much easier to level up from first to second than it is from second to third. So when you finally have enough experience in the bottle, you pop the top and jump from first to twentieth overnight."

 

Miriam's eyes kept getting wider and wider as Andrew spoke, "And... you have read this book?"

 

Andrew nodded, "Indeed." He put her on his shoulder, "I wish I hadn't. It's like knowing a game's cheat codes. It makes it difficult to enjoy a game if you know how to turn on god mode."

 

Miriam was deathly quiet as they walked on. Her voice was but a whisper, "But... it was just a game before. Now... it's real. At least to you. Aren't you tempted to-"

 

"NO." He cut her off, "I am not tempted in the slightest. I may abuse rules, but I do not BREAK rules. THAT BOOK is broken. It is wrong. It should have been banned. No SANE person managing a game should allow it. It is a crime against game design. That book is beyond evil. It is beyond broken. THAT BOOK is not just profoundly misguided. It is made up of Anti-Rules. It reacts violently in the presence of actual game mechanics, causing mutual annihilation and the destruction of all fun in its wake." He slowly shook his head, "I know what I am and there are lines I will not cross. Using THAT BOOK... is one of them."

 

Miriam thought out loud, "But... would you use polymorphism and mind control if the need was great enough?"

 

Andrew stopped dead in his tracks.

 

He fell into a contemplative silence before resuming his stride. "I want to say, I'd never use those things, but if I met someone who was cheesing polymorphism or mind control, then yes, I'd show them WHY you don't use cheese. I want to emphasize that I wouldn't resort to using those tactics casually. I possess the capability to employ such strategies, but I consciously CHOOSE not to. Nevertheless, if pushed into a corner, I might employ them to secure a victory, but solely in response to someone else using such tactics first. We have a saying back home. Don't start nothing, won't be nothing."

 

"Do you feel the same about THAT BOOK?"

 

"NO."

 

Miriam lept into the air and fluttered into his line of sight, "What's the difference?"

 

Andrew stopped walking, "Polymorphism and mind control are cheese, true, but they NEED to exist or the game falls apart. Geas is cheese, but when used correctly, it can have a positive outcome. It can save a life, or provide a form of mental resistance for the weak. You can't be mind-controlled to do something against your will if you are already mind-controlled to ignore mind-control." He resumed walking, "Altered form is a sort of polymorphing, but it is so limited that it makes sense. It doesn't let you become a dragon, it just gives you some perks. I think it's acceptable because when you try to cheese altered form, you have to get REALLY creative to abuse it. There is an art to cheesing altered form... not the sledgehammer approach of straight-up shapechanging into a new body and deliberately failing resistance checks."

 

Andrew held up his hands as if weighing something in each of them, "The problem isn't mind control or shapeshifting itself, but the DEGREE to which it is allowed. In moderation, they are fine and have their place."

 

"But THAT BOOK?" Andrew shook his head, "My father once told me, you can't use the tools of evil for good. THAT BOOK is just... evil. It's WRONG. Sorry, no matter what the reason, it can only make things worse. To use THAT BOOK is to cross the Rubicon. There is no coming back. I can't imagine any reason to use that book, except maybe... if the world was going to come to an end, and even then... I know in my heart of hearts, that to use that book would just make everything WORSE." He glanced at Miriam, "You can't shake the devil's hand and say you're only kidding."

 

Miriam nodded, "Because a handshake makes any verbal contract binding when dealing with a devil. Never shake a devil's hand if you can avoid it. Always get all deals in writing, so you can confirm the details before entering into an agreement."

 

"I..." Andrew blinked and stared at Miriam, "did not know that. Thanks for the protip."

 

Miriam nodded, "You're welcome." and went silent for a while. Eventually, she said a single word, "Sure."

 

Andrew frowned, "Sure what?"

 

"I'll complain more. I guess I'm just used to a different type of creative. Maybe you aren't as evil as I think you are. Maybe what I think evil is isn't the same as what evil is outside of Hell." Miriam hopped back up on top of his head, "I guess I feel better knowing you have some standards."

 

"Well, I wasn't expecting my life to take this turn, but it has." Andrew shrugged, "If this is my life, so be it. I'm going to take advantage of what has been set before me, but only in a way that I can live with myself. So... no polymorph cheese. No Mind-control cheese. And... never. Ever... THAT BOOK." He paused a second before adding, "And no cheats."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Miriam smiled as she echoed, "No cheese. No cheats." Sounding far less worried than when the conversation started.