Hugo
The one who attacked first was the aide.
The large man leaped forward, greatsword in hand, going straight towards Felicia. Of course, Berault wasn't going to let it happen, so he blocked his sword with his own, straining under the sheer strength and weight the large man was giving.
Then, it was the blue dress lady's turn. She summoned a swarm of holy chains from the ground. Some went towards Diona while others went towards the necromancer herself.
Felicia, having no staff at hand, could only rely on the ghost lady to defend herself. The only option she had was to dodge the chains physically, running away as fast as her feet could take her while dodging left and right. Diona on the other hand opted on the offensive approach, by flying towards her while letting out a scream with the intent to disturb her casting.
It didn’t work, of course. The woman also possessed a resistance to curses like the other inquisitors. So she decided to instead hit her by her parasol as hard as she could.
Naturally, that plan didn’t work. She wasn’t fast enough to get to her before the chains wrapped around her and bound her in place.
That fate was soon shared by her mistress. Without her magic, Felicia’s mobility decreased dramatically. No longer could she use that “melt into shadows” magic she liked to use.
“Lady Felicia!” Berault yelled once he noticed the precarious position his master was in. He would move to her aid at once, but the large man was more than a match for him.
“Where are you looking? Your opponent is me.”
He slammed his greatsword to the ground, exploding the ground around it in a symbol of a dragon. Dragon Cross. It was a sword technique specifically utilized with greatswords. Berault barely managed to get out of the way with a Grateful Step backwards. The large man followed by a forward sweep of his greatsword. Berault blocked it with his sword, but he was flung away by the sheer force he exuded.
“You’re pretty good!” The large man grinned. “Name’s Eldan Firmshield. Nice to meet you, Lord Berault,” he said in a lightly mocking tone.
Once again, he stood between him and his mistress. And judging by his expression, there was no way he was going to let Berault pass.
...Yeah, it’s over for her.
“Halt! Move another step and I shall kill your precious necromancer!”
As I predicted, the blue dress lady decided to use Felicia’s capture to force Berault to stand down. And he did. He had no choice in the matter after all.
"Now, how should I deal with you?"
The blue dress lady walked towards Felicia with a subtle satisfied smile on her face. Felicia could only watch helplessly as the chains pulled her upwards and stretched her arms. Her pose was now exactly like those captured female knights in those doujins I used to read in my old life.
Thankfully for her, the blue dress lady wasn’t some perverted, big membered male priest, so she wouldn’t be violated terribly before she got killed or turned into what they called a “c*m sl*t”. Though I don’t think the latter is realistically going to happen. Unless if the rapist is an incubus, I guess, since from that demon encyclopedia I read (courtesy of Marina, whose curriculum doesn’t shy away in talking about them), incubi demons could make females they slept with became addicted to their member; its taste, the way it thrusted, etc. Same with succubi demons. That’s why it wasn’t recommended to try and summon them, no matter how horny of a teenager you might be.
But then again, if she brought her back with her like this instead of killing her at the spot, the guards who kept watch of her would probably violate her anyway. They did that with Joan of Arc, didn’t they?
"Cordelia Flameu, the court mage of the Fiania Kingdom. Guilty as charged for practising necromancy and to fight against agents of the Church. What say you in your defense?”
Instead of answering her question, Felicia answered with a laugh.
“Nothing! I say nothing in my defense! For I am not wrong! What is wrong in wanting a world where everyone no longer fears death? What is wrong in fighting dogs of the Church who are willing to murder hundreds in their charge? Look at this wasteland! Your oh-so-holy spell did this! How many soldiers you killed by doing this, huh? You don’t care! That’s the unavoidable proof of your zealotry!”
Felicia panted, out of breath from her burst of rage. She had a creepy grin plastered on her face. She knew it was over for her, but she refused to show any weakness in front of her tormentor. So that grin was the result. A horribly forced grin that only showed how desperate she was feeling.
“...I see. So you won’t even beg for forgiveness. Not that you would have any, of course.”
The blue dress woman turned her back at her to look at Diona, who was still kept in place by her holy chains. Unlike Felicia, she was visibly pained by it. She was a ghost and the chains, being holy, had an exorcism effect on her. She was burning.
And yet, just like her mistress, she refused to show weakness.
“O poor wayward soul, unable to return to the embrace of the Heavenly Dragon, enslaved by the dark arts of a necromancer.”
“I am not enslaved, you ignorant whore! I served her willingly! She has given me my justice! My revenge! Two things that you Church sheep never gave me!”
The inquisitor lady shook her head. “Poor soul. She even influenced your mind as well. But don’t worry. I shall return you to His embrace right away.”
Her staff shone, light radiating from the tip.
“N-no! Noooo! I-I’m not… I don’t want to go!”
The ghost screamed as she struggled with all her might to free herself from the chains. Alas, her strength was nowhere near sufficient. As the light continued to shine on her, bit by bit, she disappeared, starting from her feet, all the way until her head at the very last.
“M-Mistress Felicia… I-I’m sorry…”
With those last words, the ghost disappeared in a burst of light.
...Yeah, I don’t think she’s coming back from that.
If expressions could kill, then Felicia would have killed the inquisitor lady on the spot.
She then turned her attention towards Berault.
“And what about you, black knight? You are just as guilty as her. Aiding a necromancer is the same as practicing necromancy in the eyes of the Saint. What say you?”
"I say nothing. My path is true, and I shall not bend to your misguided self-righteousness."
"Just as stubborn." She sighed. "Truly, none of you deserved salvation.”
“Your Holiness, if I might make a request.” Suddenly, her aide spoke.
“Speak.”
“I wish for you to grant me an opportunity to fight him to the death.”
...Well, that’s unexpected. Let me guess. He finds him a worthy opponent so he wants to fight him fair and square.
“And why is that?”
“I haven’t got an opponent like him in a while.” He grinned. “I feel my skills have gotten a bit rusty lately so I want to polish it with him.”
Yep, exactly as I expected.
The lady inquisitor paused for a bit, before answering, “Fine. Fight him. We have time.”
Seriously? She’s really casual for someone who just obliterates a kingdom’s army.
I guess when you’re connected with the Church, there’s nothing a mere puppet state of the Empire could do against you. The Empire itself doesn’t really care much about the well-beings of their outer territories, so they won’t go out of the way to put a formal complaint to the Church. At least, that’s what I expect from what I learned from Fiora.
“But if you lose, I’ll cut off an arm so you would be stuck teaching those acolytes for the rest of your life.”
“Heh, don’t worry, Your Holiness.” He swung his greatsword to the ground. “I’ve got no plans to retire yet.”
The lady inquisitor then moved Felicia and herself away from the two, giving them more space to fight with.
“Don’t you lose, Berault! Kill him and then her! Don’t you dare throw the match just because of me!” Felicia shouted. Her tone was understandably angry, and she cleverly anticipated that the inquisitors would just force Berault to lose to the big guy if he actually started winning by using her as a hostage. After seeing all the things they’d done, I wouldn’t be surprised if they actually ended up doing something like that.
“Whew, things certainly got heated. Wish you would leave some to me, Your Holiness. You’re really strong as always.”
The four other inquisitors finally joined up with her, with the cocky-looking blonde teenager (I think his name was Peter?) taking the lead with a grin.
The blue-haired youth and the redhead looked quite a bit worse than the other two. They were lagging behind Peter and the silver-haired nun, looking awfully tired as if they hadn’t slept in two days. If I had to guess, they were probably the ones responsible for protecting themselves and the other two from that terrible spell.
“I-I thought you weren’t going to use that spell,” the blue-haired youth spoke with a light pant.
“Y-yeah! That was really scary, you know! Our barriers nearly failed to block it!” The redhead followed, panting as well. “Look at this!” She brought out her staff. “My staff is cracked all over!”
"My book is in a less than ideal condition as well." The blue-haired youth commented. "Really, your spell is just too powerful. No wonder they call you Milicis's Blinding Light back home."
They sure are really casual with her.
"So, she's the necromancer, huh?" The blonde man grinned towards Felicia. "What is up with female heretics always being hot chicks? The last dark elf we executed was really hot as well."
"Hold your tongue, Sir Graffeu." His boss spoke. "Such a speech is unbecoming for an inquisitor."
"Right, right, no lustful gaze, speech, or though, right? Don't worry. Redheads aren't my type. Too bright for my taste." He shrugged with a smirk.
Naturally, his redheaded coworker flashed him an angry glare.
Seeing this scene made me feel weird. These guys were acting like ordinary teenagers, but they were alright with their boss chaining up Felicia and killing hundreds of soldiers for no good reason. I guess to them, anyone who wasn't them was disposable to their goal.
The fight then began, with the lady inquisitor being the "referee" that signalled the start to your match. At first, it was clear that the two were equally matched, with Berault having the advantage of speed and mobility while the large man having the advantage of strength. For someone who was wearing a full knight’s armor, Berault was surprisingly mobile. Though his main strength was from his parries. He could use the large man’s strength against himself. Instead of receiving his blows head on, he would always push it to the side to try and unbalance the man, opening a chance for him to counterattack. His style wasn’t as elegant as Fiora’s, but I could tell that he shared the same school as her. The large man, on the other hand, seemed to belong to the Lancelot-school instead, as he loved to use heavy attack with a huge reach. With one swing, he cut the pillar the lady inquisitor and himself once stood. It shouldn’t be an easy effort, seeing how the thing was at least 10 meters radius-wise (it was thicker at the bottom), made out of the solid stone the dungeon was built of.
But then, Berault received a swing of his sword, sending him flying a good twenty meters away until he landed on the dirt.
“Hah! Finally! You’re quite the sneaky bastard, aren’t you?” The large man grinned.
To my surprise, Berault immediately stood up. His armor was exposed in the abdomen, revealing the large bloody wound on his stomach. He must have protected himself by Fortissimo at the last moment. There’s no way that swing wouldn’t have cut him in half.
“Still roaring to fight? Good! I’m still itching for some more excitement!”
The large man charged forward with a bloodlust-filled expression. Berault readied himself, switching to his defensive—
Wait, that stance… that’s a different stance!
The large man swung his greatsword in a massive half-circle.
Only to find that Berault had jumped high on the air, missing his attack entirely.
In a single moment, the knight barraged him with what could only be described as a thousand sword thrust at a single second.
I had seen that move before. Fiora used it to instantly cut a giant boulder into tiny little rocks for my training.
It was the first time Berault used such a move though, and it clearly took the inquisitor warrior off-guard.
He tried to defend himself by doing a backward dash, but it wasn’t fast enough.
When the move ended, his decapitated head plopped down to the ground.
*CRASH*
And just like that, Berault had won.
He didn’t waste any time. Before the rest of the inquisitors realized what had happened, he ran as fast as he could towards the head inquisitor lady, no doubt intending to strike her down to free his mistress from her chains.
He swung his sword. Rattles of chains cacophonied through the air as they rushed to defend their own mistress.
He missed its mark. His sword was merely inches away from his goal.
The chains slammed him down to the ground, pressing him tightly and binding him like they never binded before.
“You truly are a fool.”
The lady inquisitor stood before him, seemingly unfazed with her near-death experience.
“Do you think I was so foolish that I did not expect this from you? Taking a hit, feigning weakness so Eldan would lower his guard. It was something only a knight with no honor would do.”
He responded by a spit to her feet.
"..."
In a flash, she conjured a blade of light and stabbed him straight through his head.
"Berault!" Felicia yelled.
Holy shit she just did that!
I gulped. She's definitely not someone you want to mess with.
And then, I noticed it—tears trailing down Felicia's face.
The lady inquisitor noticed this as well.
"Those tears… they are for him? Are you perchance his lover?"
She didn't reply.
"It is merely tears of despair then. Your last ally has left you and now you are all alone in this world."
Her tears… they're real, aren't they? She really felt sorry for his death…
My grip on my wand tightened.
...N-no, I should not. That lady is a Grandmaster-level cleric. Remember the last time you fought against someone of her caliber? Didn't go well at all.
And besides, even if I win, I'll be branded a heretic by the Church. It's not going to be just me who gets hunted by them. Sherry, Marina, Erika—everyone I care about wouldn't be safe.
Not to mention that it's already too late. I've let her ghost familiar and Berault die. Even if I save her, she would blame me for their deaths.
And what do I owe her really? It's her own fault for being a necromancer. If she sticks with her alchemy, all this would never happen.
I'm no hero. I'm just an overweight middle-aged guy in a kid's body, trying to live his best life after given a second chance. My obligation is to my family, not strangers I barely know about.
And then, she appeared.
-------
Felicia
My tears… I don't know why they're falling.
Do I love Berault? No, I am not so shameless to impose on his marriage with his darling wife. His heart belongs to her and her alone.
But, I do wish that someone would love me just as he loves his wife. My secret dream is to have an honest, good man like him to shower me with his affection.
I've promised him to bring back his love who had been taken unjustly from this world by fate.
And yet, I have failed that promise.
I've led him to his death instead.
...I truly do not deserve anything.
I am just a wretched soul that should burn at the stake.
My hopes… my dreams… my promise to them… they're all gone now.
"W-wait! Waaaitttt!"
A familiar voice entered my ears from the far distance.
I then saw her, the very last person I wanted to see in this state.
It was Leila. And she was running straight towards me.
W-why?
Why must you come? I told you, didn't I? Stay away from the fight.
That light! Her spell must have attracted her attention! That spell was so big it should’ve been seen for miles. And seeing that I didn’t hide them that far away from here...
N-no… Nonononono!
"LEILA! RUN! DON'T COME HERE!" I yelled with every bit of my strength.
She didn't listen. Her zombiefied father was running after her but he wasn't fast enough. Had he grown weaker because I was weaker as well? Or had she somehow gave him the slip?
"YOU IDIOT! DON'T YOU REMEMBER WHAT I TOLD YOU?!"
It's no use. Even if she would turn around and run the other direction, she would not be fast enough to escape from the inquisitors.
"DON'T YOU DARE HURT HER!" I yelled at my captor.
She didn't react in the slightest.
Her subordinates moved in to apprehend them but she gestured to let them come.
The little girl was now standing in front of the golden-haired inquisitor, out of breath from all the running she just did.
“Please… please do not hurt Miss Flameu.”
“And who are you again?”
“I-I’m Leila. And please, I beg you, Miss Inquisitor! I know you think Miss Flameu is a bad necromancer but she’s not! She cured me and my village from a terrible sickness! And not only that, but she reunited me with my father again! Father! Say something to her!” She turned towards the zombie.
He could only nod in response as he was far more frightened by the presence of the inquisitor.
“L-Leila, we shouldn’t be here. Remember what Miss Flameu told you? That we should stay away from—”
“I don’t care! Look, Father! She’s being all chained there! That must hurt! If they’re going to take her away, then I’m not going to let them!”
She then put herself between me and the inquisitor, opening her arms wide as if she could protect me from her.
W-why? Why must you be so naive, you stupid little girl?! You’re going to lose your life! She doesn’t have any sympathy to anyone she deems heretical, even a little girl like you!
"No, please! Don't harm her! I-I'll do anything! Anything you want! She has nothing to do with me! I-I don't even know her!" I shouted. I pulled and pulled and pulled but the chains only dug even deeper into my skin. I didn’t even notice the pain and the blood. All I wanted was to keep her safe. I knew very well it was a terrible lie. But I had to try. Enough blood had been spilled because of me, and if Leila lost her life as well…
I shouldn’t have been so foolish. Why did I think it was a good idea to make a little girl like her be my apprentice?! You’re a fool, Felicia! A fool amongst fools!
The Inquisitor, instead of continuing her attention towards her, now turned to eye her father up and down instead.
"Little girl, your father is an undead. You do realize this, yes?"
A pause, followed by a gulp.
"Y-yep! So what if he’s an undead?! He doesn't smell like one! Sure, he might be a little cold, but in every other way, he’s just like Father! "
“I see.”
I saw it coming from a mile away. In one swift move, she stabbed him on the chest with the tip of her staff.
“FATHER!”
“R-run, dearie, run…”
Those were the only words he could utter before he disappeared, leaving only a pile of ash as his body erupted into flames.
“NOOOOO!”
Witnessing the second death of her father, the poor girl broke down completely. She rushed into her father’s remains, kneeling down as she tried to gather the ash in her hands, to no avail.
“LEILA, RUN! THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN DO HERE! FORGET ABOUT ME AND RUN AS FAR WAY AS YOU COULD!”
No use. My voice couldn’t reach her anymore.
And that accursed inquisitor, still with her cold, uncaring gaze, moved to be right behind her.
“DON’T YOU DARE! SHE’S JUST A CHILD! SHE DOESN’T KNOW ANYTHING!”
She produced a blade of light in her left hand.
“YOU CAN’T! YOU—”
With a single swing, it was over.
Her lithe body fell, separated from its head. The latter rolled to my direction, showing me her last despair-filled expression before she lost her life.
“This is my mercy. She will not suffer in the flames.”
Her staff glowed and the corpse disappeared, turned into dust with her spell.
“You truly are beyond redemption—to corrupt a child to do your dark biddings. I shall make sure you would burn for seven days and nights once the time for your punishment comes.”
...
I could only scream.
Great chapter! And "only 3.6k word"? That's more than the average on this site!
I have a lot to criticize in this chapter. First,don't talk about h*ntai tropes in the middle of a battle,it undercuts all the tension in the scene and the rest of the chapter.Second, a lot of the impact in this chapter falls flat,Felicia's motives were told to readers in a side chapter instead of being hinted at,her motivations are understandable but never challenged(not helped by the fact that most minor baddies like bandits are 1D where some bandits may have resorted to it out of desperation,this prevents her from ever questioning herself),in short,a lack of emotional build up. Thirdly,the lack of build up, the inquisitors of the Church of Milicis came outta nowhere;apparent in the fact that they had to monologue their big shot's nickname in a way that was only ever meant for readers(they don't feel like human beings,not even teenagers) Four,vocabulary,I finally feel that the vocabulary as it is now isn't enough to elicit emotion within your audience with the way it's presented.
I've been feeling reader's fatigue for this story recently,I'm glad that you're trying to develop Hugo's character again FINALLY, but the issue I think comes from the dissonance of time within the story and real people. In my second comment (the first long one) I mentioned how I changed over the course of several months in quarantine and how Hugo has stayed the same for a while. I think the dissonance comes from the difference between plot time and down time. Plot time is when the story is being told while down time is whatever happens off screen(time skips of months), I find it hard to believe that Hugo didn't change at all despite spending a few months with the Flame Arrows or learning about them as people .(they learnt more about Hugo but not the other way around)
I don't want this to discourage you but if you want to make a story as great as MT ,you have to take your craft and go past proficiency to mastery. Ask questions about your characters to yourself,how do I make this scene more emotionally charged,whats the theme of my story?
Edit:I just realized you could ask questions on why MT was ever as popular was it was, I'll leave you with this question:did MT's author write the story merely for popularity or did they wish to write a story?
You know what, you're making me think I should just pause writing this story until my writing gets better. Because there's no way I can fix all that right away.
Thirdly,the lack of build up, the inquisitors of the Church of Milicis came outta nowhere;apparent in the fact that they had to monologue their big shot's nickname in a way that was only ever meant for readers(they don't feel like human beings,not even teenagers)
You're contradicting yourself. You want them to be more fleshed out yet you want the pacing to be faster.
@WanderingSwordNuub
the hentai tropes are pretty cringe. but that's hugo's perverted mind at work. does it drain the tension from the chapter, yea i can agree to that. i think the realization of how many people the grand priest just team killed hasn't hit hugo yet. (i'm not quite sure how much he can hear of their convos)
felicia does get challenged a bit. both by the high elf from a neutral stand point, and the inquisitors from an extreme stand point. the only thing lacking was from hugo's stand point. which plays into there wasn't any time for this to happen. things escalated rather fast and felicia was pretty shook up from high elf visit prior to this. the only way imo that it could've been better was if the bone dragon was the cause for the grand priestess to use that wide AOE spell. but that's really it imo.
the inquisitors have the needed build up to fulfill their role in the story. anything extra would be like some of the shitty filler that plagues the main stream anime. with endless side stories of characters that don't really matter. we know why they're here, we know why they are doing the things they do, and we know just enough of who they are.
hugo has been changing, but he needs to have impactful events to urge him to. only a few months ago he was still a depressed mess, the weeks he spent with fiora got him out of that. since then he's gotten back to being productive. now he's forced to choose between his priorities and morals. the priorities part he's been working on a fair bit while traveling with and without fire arrow.
also i have thrown the 'hugo doesn't know much about anton' bit at our author, it urged him to add some off screen content about him. (who was my focus at the time) so he's aware of this misstep and is working on it when it's pointed out.
@ForestDweller The thing about that is,it's hard to describe the feeling of something missing or lacking. Admittedly my criticism of pacing was vague in the first place,now that I look back it was a feeling that not enough is happening in the chapters or plot time. As much as I'd like fleshed out characters ,I'd also hate filler as @loshi1505 has said. For me,it's a matter of balance, as for the ratio of character development,build up,story,and world building that I'd like;hell if I know,it's obvious even from my early comments that I didn't know I wanted character development for a long time.(if it wasn't obvious ,I am an avid believer of balance and that a lot of things in life are two sides of the same coin,in that lies my hypocrisy)
I'd also like to say that,perhaps, making a grand epic for a second story isn't the best of ideas. Why not self insert/role play as your character(s) and feel what they do,why do you do the things you do,how deep are the emotions that define you;why do I feel that way towards those people?
About Hugo's hentai thoughts, meh, Rudy once got to see naked loli beastgirls being caged (they were kidnapped by slavers) and his mind immediately went to how it's a loli paradise.
@WanderingSwordNuub Hugo's personality is based on myself in quite some parts, so I'm already doing it.
If you don't know what you want, then I don't know either. I don't have an editor to cut things out.
About my vocab, yea, I agree. It's terribly limited.
Maybe a non-native speaker like me shouldn't have written a story in English in the first place.
@ForestDweller
About Hugo's hentai thoughts, meh, Rudy once got to see naked loli beastgirls being caged (they were kidnapped by slavers) and his mind immediately went to how it's a loli paradise.
to be fair rudy was in a lot less pressing situation. in this story hugo almost died moments ago, he really should have stopped his perverted thoughts near the start, if he even had the urge to have them at all. like [that position reminds me of the captured knight trope... no i shouldn't think about that stuff right now, i'm still in a dangerous place and can't afford to space out.] or something like that. *shrug*
About my vocab, yea, I agree. It's terribly limited.
Maybe a non-native speaker like me shouldn't have written a story in English in the first place.
interestingly enough you're doing better than some native english speakers on this site i think. hell, you have less mess ups than i do in our convos.
I don't want this to discourage you but if you want to make a story as great as MT ,you have to take your craft and go past proficiency to mastery. Ask questions about your characters to yourself,how do I make this scene more emotionally charged,whats the theme of my story?
Do you think I haven't asked that?
Honestly, all you do is indeed discouraging me, since you make me realize the insufficiency of my own writing. I'd rather not write than do a bad job at it.
just realized you could ask questions on why MT was ever as popular was it was, I'll leave you with this question:did MT's author write the story merely for popularity or did they wish to write a story?
How should I know?
Felicia's motives were told to readers in a side chapter instead of being hinted at
You mean the extra chapter? You'd prefer me to not write that? Or should I just not say it's an extra chapter?
Do you agree with this?
https://forum.scribblehub.com/threads/how-to-use-story-theory-to-plan-arcs.3949
@ForestDweller
Do you agree with this?
not really? but partially. the points made are good, but the pacing seems... too rushed imo. good for the climax of the arc, but not for the start and middle of it. i mean it advocate an arc being only 5 chapters... that's a kids picture book imo. lol
i think that's just a basic blueprint to expand upon. and i'm pretty sure you're achieving enough of the firmer point it makes in this story already. hell i think i even advocated for a few of them, the one i most remember was trying to get you to make vera a gray area character. lol