{Alyssa}
Floof.
How the fuck am I supposed to compete with this?
"Ummm... Allie? Are you done molesting Remi's hair yet?"
"...no."
"...MMPH!"
"..."
*blush* "P-please don't touch my halo. It's v-very sensitive."
...what?
{Azrael}
"Allie? Are you going to stop anytime soon?"
I get that she's probably trying to figure out what the halo is actually meant to do, but that doesn't mean I want to watch what she's doing.
"...fine. I'll go ahead and ask. Remiel, do you know what your halo actually does? Because as far as I can tell, it is just an unnecessary weak point."
"W-when you put it l-like that..." *droop*
DYNAMIC INTERVENTION!
"Anyways, Allie! I needed you to do some measurements on Remi here. I'm a bit afraid to find out exactly how much of an advantage she has over both of us, and one or more of us is going to need emotional support afterwards."
"What do you mean by 'advantage'?"
*puts hand on shoulder* "Allie. Look at her. What do you think I mean?"1All the characters that have established heights from tallest to shortest- Uraki, Remiel, Kaede, Azrael, Azazel, Alyssa.
Remiel also has massive [REDACTED]s.
"Dear God… you're right."
"W-what?" *head tilt*
"Nothing! Just, uh… don't think too much about what's going to happen in the next half hour, okay?"
"W-wait! What do you mean!?"
I'm sorry Remi. Your sacrifice will not be in vain.
{Azrael}
In respect of Remi's already quite violated privacy, I will not go over what just happened. All you and I need to know, is that she is currently receiving a lap pillow from Allie while sobbing.
Trust me, it's better that you don't know. I've been through the same thing, and it is NOT pleasant. It's not really 'sexual harrasment' per se... it's more like getting invasive surgery done but instead of cutting you open the doctor almost breaks every bone in your body trying to measure you. From an onlooker's perspective, it looks lewd, but speaking from experience, the only thing you can really think about is not losing your mind from the agony.
...on second thought, it's not like invasive surgery at all.
While she's… recovering, I'm going to see if there's anything the two of them could use in my collection.
Lesse... ignore the ancient novel collection- why are there always novels in ancient ruins? Some of them aren't even novels, just weird... picture book things. I always dread having to sort through the books. One fiftieth of the time, you might find some cool schematics or maybe even a mystery novel, but the other forty-nine times its just some sicko's fetish filled power fantasy. Enough of that though, let's get on with the show.
There's these weird bronze gauntlets and an accompanying… metal corset thing, both of which are too small for me... maybe Allie could use them. They seem to have some kind of mechanisms within them, but I couldn't tell you what exactly they do. The corset (I'm calling it that) has a cavity on the chest area where it seems to store... something.
Hmmm... a single white boot looking thing with a strip of an unidentified flexible black material attached to the heel. Either these are for shock-absorption, or this is just some fashionista's desperate cry for help. If there were two of them, maybe this would serve a purpose.
There's this paddle I found a a while a back. It has some... interesting enchantments on it. One of them causes it to be incapable of damaging anything, while the other causes a person's pain receptors to flare up. Honestly, this seems like some kind of torture device. Has some cool symbols on it though.
A cross bow? When did I get this? I feel like I would have remembered this one. Especially since I hardly ever find anything that is both interesting and explicitly a weapon.
...maybe mom put this one in here.
Speaking of mom, I wonder what she's doing right now. She's probably lost in the wilderness again. Although, she could just as easily be doing something incredibly absurd yet simultaneously ridiculously important. Like killing off an incomprehensible nightmare entity with a poisoned ham sandwich. Apparently that actually happened once. I'm pretty sure I still have a copy of the report one of the people she was with submitted.
Lesse… 'It must be noted that the poison was not a contributing factor towards the creature's demise; rather, the speed at which Miss Azazel threw her provisions caused the beast's face to be caved in, resulting in its immediate neutralization. It was only discovered after the event that someone had snuck into the camp site and poisoned all of our food supplies, likely a case of attempted sabotage.'
S-Rank adventurers are weird. I mean, they DID establish the rank because she killed off an invading army single-handedly. She didn't even realize that there was a war. They were just in the way of her and her training spot.
*digging*
...well, I guess that's where dad's weird hat thing went. Y'know, I've always wondered what these cotton ball things on it are. I get that they're not actually cotton balls, but what exactly am I supposed to call them? Better question though, why would you have two long strings of fluffy white balls hanging off of a hat?
That brings up another question, is dad actually doing his job or is he too busy sneaki-
"I see you've found my tokin."
*slap*
"It's nice to see you too Azzy."
"Would you PLEASE stop sneaking up on people like that!?"
"Hmm… nah. Everyone's reactions are much too amusing for me to stop. Besides, how else would I get my material?"
Right… I almost forgot what dad's 'job' is. He was really bored for a while and, upon realizing that no one could even attempt to match his flying speed (although I do get pretty close nowadays), he decided to become the writer, editor, and deliverer of the world's most embarrassing news. Luckily, he makes an effort to not slander or traumatize anyone.
Unless he dislikes you. Then the trauma flows forth.
"You're not going to publicly humiliate me, are you?"
"I would never!"
"…"
"Okay, I did it once when you were eleven, sure, but I swore to never do it again!"
"You didn't take any pictures of Remiel or Alyssa, right?"
"So that's her name?"
"Answer the question."
"Sheesh, of course I didn't! I only take pictures of embarrassing things, not girls getting borderline violated!"
"...good. She's already pitiful enough as is, I don't think she needs you writing about that."
"Yea- wait a minute! I almost forgot why I came here! Do you know where your mother went? I've been trying to find her for weeks!"
"...what makes you think I would know any more than you? I'm just as confused as you are-"
{Azazel}
...where am I?
{Azrael}
"-and I'm pretty sure mom's even more confused than the two of us combined!"
"You got that right. And what about Kaede?"
"...who?"
"...your sister."
"Oh, HER!"
"I'll take that as you not knowing where she is."
"Well, you'd be wrong. I know exactly where she is."
"...Can you tell me?"
"Maybe if you'd hire some people to print your war crimes." *glare*
"...FINE! Just... tell me."
"She got locked into being a receptionist for the guild. Again. Apparently she broke every single one of their desks. Somehow."
"...why am I not surprised?"
"Because she's done this at least twelve times this year."
"Right... are you going to bail her out again?"
"Obviously. But I think I'll let her rot in there for a bit. Let her realize that she needs to find a way to not fall asleep while walking."
*creak* "Azrael, are you almost do- Oh, hello Mister Uraki."
"I see you're polite as ever Alyssa."
"She's definitely not. I can sense her disdain. She's just barely tolerating your presence, so I'd suggest leaving before she snaps. Also, I've got this sneaking suspicion that mom's about to nosedive off of a cliff or something. You should probably go try and find her again."
*sweatdrop* "...you're probably right about that. Well, off I go!" *whoosh*
"Allie, you do realize that my dad isn't some deranged pervert, right? He just likes embarrassing people."
"Yes, but after I saw that he published a photo of MY father with his pants down in the newspaper, I haven't been able to see him the same way."
"...wait, what?"
"I refuse to speak further."
"...aaannnyyyways. Allie, I was wondering if you'd like to join me as an adventurer! I even have some equipment for you!"
"I have been waiting for you to ask that question for too long."
"Why... why didn't you just, y'know, ask me to let you join instead of waiting? You know that I would accept."
"Sunk cost fallacy. The longer I waited, the more I felt that the moment I decided to ask, you would also ask me and it would end up awkward, so I might as well just keep on waiting."
Is she...
She's serious. Is that why she tends to just stare at me like that?
"Hmm... that does make a surprising amount of sense! Well, I suppose I'll have to get you two registered in the guild tomorrow."
"...two?"
"Yeah? I can't exactly leave Remi here alone, especially after you just gave her yet another trauma for her collection."
"What do you mean by 'collection'?"
Whoops. Probably shouldn't be going around airing others laundry.
"Uhh... that's for her to tell you. I mean, the constant stutter and teary eyes have to have come from somewhere, right?"
*sweating* Please just drop the topic already!
"...fine. Even I have some tact."
Whew! I don't think I could have taken anymore of that.
{Alyssa | The Next Day | Guild Hall}
This place is... a lot quieter than I had imagined.
And significantly cleaner.
Surprisingly well decorated too.
"S-so... what do w-we do now?"
"...I guess we just need to go to one of the reception desks. Hopefully."
Where the hell is Azrael anyways?
...wait a minute IS THA-
*snore*
"U-umm... e-excuse me... Miss...?"
*jolt* "Hmm...? Di' yuu say som'in?" *yawn*
2I just realized this while writing, but the sign in the background of the image seems to say 'aloha'. I guess we're in fantasy Hawaii now.
pleasedon'trecognizememyspinecan'ttakethis
*smile* "Oh, it's... little big sis!" *hug*
*crack* "K-kaede! My... back..."
"M-miss! I don't t-think spines a-are supposed to make sounds like t-that!"
{Kaede}
*pout* "It's not Kaede's fault your bones are so weak little big sis!"
It's also not Kaede's fault that little big sis is the perfect size for hugging! It's obviously little big sis's fault!
Big big sis says that drinking milk makes your bones strong. Little big sis should take notes. Then I can hug her without getting yelled at! Everyone wins!
...but big big sis also says that doing that will make you taller! And that's the opposite of what Kaede wants!
"Ow... fuck! How many times must I tell you not to squeeze people like that!?"
"But Kaede only hugs you like that!"
"THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!"
