Snooze sat for what seemed like an eternity. Truly, she couldn’t tell how long she rested there, watching the dog in the hat as it paced, trying to find the words it seemed, to elucidate her. Snooze looked out the window of the guild hall and paused. A flying animal--the Helicopterry, had been flying past, but now it was frozen in midair. Snooze blinked, and then stood, peeking out the window at the rest of the scenery from her position. 

 

The village beyond was completely motionless. A Brug with a heavily laden cart was stopped mid-march, while a Tet Tet who’d obviously been doing some roofing work, was locked into eternal turmoil as it was hovering ten feet from the ground, eyes wide, having just fallen from the roof.

 

“Remarkable,” Snooze breathed, “you’re able to stop time?”

 

The dog with the hat glanced up from its quadrupedal pacing at the humble god, and smiled wide.

 

“No, unfortunately, I cannot stop that which does not technically exist,” the dog said, “though I do have a comfortable degree of control over motion, light, sound, mass, inertia, and broccoli. Though, that last one isn’t important. I am just exerting my demands on a fledgling world, so that I have the time to process my statement succinctly.”

 

“You, uh, didn’t want to do that before you showed up?” Snooze asked carefully.

 

The dog with the hat shook its head, as though only partially paying attention to Snooze’s question.

 

“As I said, Snooze: it’s urgent.”

 

Snooze frowned. That didn’t make much sense to her. However, she wasn’t one to split hairs, and there seemed to be something genuinely distressing the new arrival, so she sat back down to wait.

 

--

 

It could have been minutes, or it may have been aeons, Snooze was unsure, but finally, the dog in the hat looked up at her and smiled again.

 

“There,” it said, nodding enthusiastically, “I think I’ve got it.”

 

“Wonderful news,” Snooze said.

 

“It is indeed wonderful, Snooze,” the dog said, “I’ve just finished a marvelously well-argued and concise thesis with which to use to more fully illuminate you and your understanding of the predicament--nay--situation at hand.”

 

“...well-argued?” Snooze tried to clarify.

 

“Yes, of course,” the dog said, sitting back on its haunches. Snooze noticed the little hat on his head swayed a bit and she was worried it would fall.

 

Would he be able to pick it back up, or would I have to?

 

“You cannot have holes in your presentation, that leads to sloppy results, or even worse… disagreements. No, better that you and I know that this address is sound and beyond question so that we can move on to the next phase. But here I go, getting ahead of myself.”

 

“So you argued your own comments against yourself?” Snooze asked.

 

“I fear I will look the part of the mimic, but I must against say, ‘yes, of course,’ to you, Snooze. Who better than I to argue against my own proposition? I am a notoriously cunning contrarian.”

 

“...and who are you again, exactly?” asked Snooze.

 

“Oh, I assumed that would be obvious,” the dog in the hat said, “I’m Xolt.”

 

Snooze just stared.

 

“Surely, you’ve heard of me? Bureaucratically perfect, chief administrator to this slice--er--quadrant of the cosmos, inventor of the Xolt Maneuver?”

 

Snooze shook her head.

 

“Nuh, uh.”

 

“Didn’t you ever ask how the celestial hierarchy was structured? You have access to the Book of Leaf, correct?”

 

“I do… er, did.” Snooze said, “but I didn’t ask about anything like that.”

 

“Well, what sorts of things did you ask?”

 

“Mostly like, how many total calories I consumed over the course of my human life, or how many boogers I picked, or how many times I almost won a free sub at Sandwich Empire.”

 

Xolt, the dog in the hat, blinked.

 

“Interesting…” Xolt said finally, “you are a curious sort, aren’t you Snooze?”

 

“So I’ve been told,” she agreed.

 

“In any case, we can continue with your higher lessons of eloquence and godly duties once we move past this… scenario. It is quite unique, and inordinately sublime.”

 

Snooze, not sure exactly what sublime meant, leaned forward, still convinced she was in trouble for something.

 

“What is this… scenario?”

 

Xolt smiled, perking up and beginning to pace again.

 

“So, allow me to explain--as I mentioned this is a perfectly reasoned rationale, so you must agree to it as you’ll see you have no choice.”

 

Snooze nodded.

 

If that’s what he needs to hear for now.

 

“You see, there is something of an aberration in this world of your creation, one fostered by a set of highly unusual events that culminated into this current form. I assume that you have noticed that upon your awakening there were quite a few more creatures here than you recall?”

 

The pause was almost long enough for Snooze to think she could respond, but the moment she opened her mouth, the dog in the hat launched back into its explanation.

 

“As you can see, there are different life forms here than before. That much is obvious. But how, and why they are here now, that is something of a pickle. Well, it would have been had I not discerned the true cause by looking over the evidence.”

 

Snooze had to agree. It was painfully confusing how that had come about, but she wasn’t one to dwell on things like that. She’d always just assumed that if she didn’t understand something, she’d eventually learn the reason, or she’d just settle for the fact that she’d never know, and from then on make up her own explanation for it. It was for that very reason that she had never asked for clarification on modern art, or why it all looked like garbage to her. Xolt continued.

 

“This whole thing has been a headache for quite some time, you must understand. We have an entire section of our archives devoted to this very world, and it's even a course taught in our Celestial Deity Higher Elective Educational Tutorial Program. You’re quite notorious yourself, Snooze.” Xolt winked.

 

“I’ve always wanted to understand all the part of anything I encounter, and I made a few inquiries over the last millennia or so in order to ascertain the nature of this problem: why did this world have such diverse life? Truly one for the ages.”

 

“However, I noticed something during my investigation into the matter, one that was further solidified by your re-emergence into this world. No one could contact you, so it seemed that the frequency was part of the mystery itself. You’ve made things quite clearer since you started bopping about, discovering new levels of your world, Snooze.”

 

Snooze nodded, but she had only understood a hilariously low number of the words that had been lobbed her way. She often nodded when she didn’t understand something, and was sure to make direct eye contact when she did, so that she would appear to understand more than her brain had actually absorbed. Fortunately for Snooze, roughly ninety-nine-point-nine-nine-nine-nine-nine-nine-nine-nine-nine-zero-nine-nine-nine percent of all creatures did this exact same thing. Luckily, everyone in existence (save for the peb and three strains of sentient seaweed in the 11^ dimension) thought they were the only ones who did it, and so the secret was forever kept.

 

“Do you recall meeting a creature by the name of Perth?”

 

The question caught Snooze off guard, but she got her bearings and nodded.

 

“Yeah, Riff’s Archangel…” she said.

 

“Correct,” Xolt said, “it appears that something happened, a... battle of some sort? The details are a little foggy but apparently your Archangel and this Perth performed a combative union and Perth tried to… eat your Archangel.”

 

“Yeah, I was there for all of that,” Snooze said, smiling, “and when Meat--er--my Archangel was eaten, the Earth element inside of him upset Perth’s tummy big time, allowing me the chance to banish her back to her plane.”

 

Xolt looked at Snooze seriously, seemingly calculating every syllable of her words searching for deeper meaning. 

 

“It appears you’re a bit more versed than I originally conceived, Snooze,” Xolt said, “but have you yet discerned why you have this influx of distinctly foreign life now populating your world and how it pertains to that event?”

 

Snooze shook her head.

 

“I was sleeping.” she said, as if that were a perfect response. To put it bluntly: it was not.

 

“Very well,” Xolt said, and the grin that spread across the dog’s face was as wide as it was self-satisfied. Snooze wondered if the dog had been concerned that she knew more than it and was now placated by her ignorance. She didn’t mind. Intellectual pursuits had never been her strongpoint. No, she was always one to dazzle with the force of her personality.

 

“In any case, the reason you have these… superfauna here on your world is for the exact same reason you still have your Archangel.”

 

“Guilt?” Snooze asked.

 

Xolt shook his head.

 

“No, unfortunately, we are still trying to devise a precise method to distill guilt and make it a worthy essence in world management. No, it is your choice to half the Seed of Life with an Elemental Curio. It created a unique possibility, and that which was more fully realized when Perth dined on your Archangel and purged itself of the contents of its previous devourings.”

 

“So it is guilt!” Snooze exclaimed.

 

“No… no, it’s not guilt,” Xolt clarified, sighing.

 

“Carry on,” Snooze said.

 

“Well, when those other Archangels were expelled, Snooze, they were released into the aether, but your friend Riff… she used some sort of ability to seal power and enhance germination of some process…”

 

“Yeah, the Stonies’ ritual!” Snooze exclaimed.

 

“Ah, yes, I have looked into that event…” Xolt paused, “...are you sure you haven’t already figured this out? If I didn’t know any better I would say you were leading me down a path you’d already solved.”

 

Snooze just stared at him for a moment, a big grin creeping across her face. Then, after a full five seconds of nothing else, she quickly shrugged her shoulders.

 

“Very well,” Xolt said, and returned to his braggadocious claims, “so I was able to determine that between the expelling of the essences from the other Archangels, combined with the enhancements made by your god friend… well, to put it more simply: before the souls could take flight back to their planes, they were sealed into your world and their Seeds of Life were used to create completely new species unconnected from your original half-life.”

 

“Wow,” Snooze said, staring into space, “so that makes me and Riff like… co-parents here…”

 

“In a way, yes,” then Xolt cleared its dog throat, “and now I come to the moment I interrupted you for…”

 

“Go ahead, Xoltie,” Snooze said, “I’m all ears.”

 

Xolt nodded.

 

“Yes, well, I was wondering how you felt about gifts…?”

 

Snooze frowned. What was he trying to pull?

 

“Gifts? Why? What's the catch?”

 

“Well, we would be willing to give you a gift, as sort of an appeasement for the inconvenience.”

 

“Inconvenience? What are you talking about?” Snooze asked.

 

Xolt smiled sheepishly, obviously its planning hadn’t done it much good in this moment. When Xolt spoke, its voice was shaky.

 

“W-well, w-we, uh, n-ee-need you to stay in this form, for a time.”

 

Snooze stood up suddenly, and Xolt cowered back as if she was going to hit it.

 

“For how long?!” Snooze demanded. She truly hadn’t decided if she was going to hit the creature yet or not.

 

Xolt looked up, wincing as it did and gave one more sheepish smile.

 

“...er… indefinitely?”