Chapter 18 - Reflection of a Monster

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~ Lilith ~

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Day 6 of my captivity. 

Warden Lilac and her Deputy Nellie are keeping me cooped up in this house with no end in sight. I must come up with some sort of plan or plea for parole that will land favorably within their ears. So far despite my insistence that I could probably shapeshift and be fine… even if… goddess forbid, I had to do so as a man, my pleas have fallen on deaf ears.

The patrols have increased threefold from what they were a few days ago, Lilac tells me. On top of that, they’re beginning to cordon off sections and interview every woman, making them identify with some “divining crystal.” Lilac says it’s only a matter of time before they get to this part of the city.

As such, she’s been insistent that Nellie and I stay put while she tries to work out some kind of plan for us to leave. I’m relatively confident I could easily leave under the cover of night, but it gets more complicated trying to get all three of us out. Much less I have nowhere to really go, making me a bit dependent on Lilac.

Not that I really mind, I’m rather curious what things would be like at the magic school Lilac is a part of, Kafora something or other. That said, I need to learn the language better before I can really go someplace like that and interact with others easily.

Speaking of learning the language, I’ve been practicing with Nellie and can now speak... Maybe as well as a 5 year old or… something like that? That was one of my proposals Lilac turned down as well, that I could pretend to be a kid.

Problem is, when she asked me to transform into one, I still had poor motor control due to still weighing as much as an adult and when I fell flat on my face after a couple dozen steps she rejected it entirely after trying to pick me up.

One thing I’m worried about, and asked Lilac if she could look into, is that man I met when I was first brought here. After describing him and where I seemed to have been held, she’s pretty sure it was the “Ministry of Homeland Defense,” especially given that a Miscreated was my guard.

She didn’t know who the man was, though, and has been trying to find out, though asking questions in this kind of environment might draw more attention to her. Lilac doesn’t seem to want to speak too much about it, as if I was some kid she doesn’t want to make worry. I find it a little frustrating, even if I do understand it, a tiny bit.

Ok, maybe more than a tiny bit, she seems overly concerned after seeing how I became a bit crippled by anxiety in some of the crowds on our way here. I guess she’s never encountered such a thing. I imagine mental health isn’t exactly something this world has too figured out, hell, does earth even have it figured out?

There’s also something else on my mind, something I’ve not told either of them, but I am worried about how often I might feel the need to feed on Blood or Essence. So far it seems like normal food will keep me alive just fine. But I can feel an emptiness that’s hard to explain, I can only guess it’s related to one or both of my Vampiric or Succubus traits.

I’m feeling antsy, like I want to try sneaking out at night and suck on someone’s blood kind of antsy. It’s super risky, I imagine, but yet I’m considering it more and more. I can’t imagine either one of my two new ‘friends’ would be ok with it, who knows? I think though, it will be like that old saying, ‘It’s better to ask for forgiveness than permission.’

As for right now…

*knock *knock

“Lilith, are you alright? You’ve been in the bathtub a while.” came Nellie’s voice from the other side of the door.

I have to be careful, she seems to be able to sense things about me without me intentionally transmitting anything, or without me even being aware.

“Ah, Nellie, I’m ok, I’m just relaxing in the hot water and thinking, that’s all.” I respond to her telepathically.

That’s actually something else, interesting, it seems now I can easily maintain a link with Nellie and converse with her at much larger ranges than anyone else, and she no longer seems to take up a ‘slot’ if you will, of my capacity.

“Well, alright, but don’t fall asleep in there or something, you might… wait, can you drown?” Nellie sounded confused at her thought.

“Uhm, I’m not really sure. I’m not keen to find out anytime soon though. Don’t worry.” I try to soothe her concerns.

~da ♩ ~da ♪ ~da ♫

“Alright, I’ll leave you for a bit, but I’ll be back to check in on you again.” she remarked in a suspicious sounding tone.

I receive a notice as we finish talking, a new message, I sigh a bit before going to check it, hoping I could just have some peace. Not that I dislike Izanami sending me messages, the timing is just, not great, I wanted to relax.

Checking my… what should I call it? It’s gone far beyond a status screen now, it’s more like an Augmented Reality Heads-Up Display, I guess just calling it a HUD for short works, unless Izanami changes it radically again?

Anyway, looking at my “HUD” I read the message. This looks long, more like a letter sent by email than a simple text message.

Hmm.. leave within 4 weeks? That’s worrying, and, I wonder if she knows something about my new ‘friends’ that I don’t? Or maybe she just likes to talk ominously? Who knows. With a sigh, I close the message and open the menu to look at the tutorials.

This time the list is different from before, the intermediate and advanced magic have been replaced with ‘Mana’ and ‘Essence’ and the word ‘Basics’ is gone from everything, curiously. This time only the ‘Shapeshift’ menu option is available, I open it.

 

‘Here we go again. Hah, I bet you didn’t pay royalties for using that “for dummies” title. Does that even need a trademark? All those books seemed yellow, and laid out the same on the cover.’ 

‘Ok, listen, if you can hear me, you can right? I… about that, see there is a very reasonable explanation, it’s extremely simple. I didn’t think about it. I forgot about the option, ok? It’s not at all that I was trying to avoid it like a cat avoids water. Pffft. Not at all.’

‘How convenient, it sounds almost like someone planned it that way.’

‘Or otherwise…? You know, I think for most things, I’ll stick to the blood, thanks.’

‘I remember, no need to bring it up, I feel dizzy again just thinking about it.’

‘Wait a minute… that’s how it works? Ugh, but I don’t know anything about my essence! I guess I can imagine it acting like I used the spider thread?’

‘Ugh, ok, I… feel like this is beyond me but if you say so. I can’t imagine how, like, everytime in the past I tried it was… it felt impossible, or just, unnerving, or even sickening. Ugh!’

‘Oh, lovely, I can’t even trust the descriptions, greaaaaat~!’

‘I don’t think I could lie my way out of a wet paper bag, why did you choose me again?’

‘Oh great, I wonder if that creepy guy from the defense ministry or whatever that was used one on me.’

‘Oh, well, at least that’s something, I can still be a big unknown to them, hopefully giving me the advantage, or… making them send in the biggest guns they have, hurray.’

~ * ~ *** ~ * ~

Well, that seems to be the end of it. I close it with another sigh, before getting out of the tub, eyeing the necklace Izanami gave me, sitting on a table nearby next to a towel. I think for a moment, then decide to try drying off with magic instead, trying to heed her advice.

I learned a few spells from observing Lilac, I can now use the fire and water magic she can, as well as illumination magic, and some basic levitation magic, mostly geared towards moving items or doing things without needing your hands.

I combine some fire magic and wind magic to make an air dryer of sorts, spin around my body for a few moments until my skin feels dry. My hair however, needs a bit more time, so I focus on it with more air and less flame. I also add in a bit of moisture to keep the air from becoming too dry, to hopefully be easier on my hair, though... it might not even matter, given my abilities.

While I wait for my hair to dry, I feel more and more like it really wouldn’t matter, and decide to not bother next time, for now I’ll just pretend it’s actually not pointless. I start to wonder if I could handle it in a different way entirely, like maybe just soaking up the water like I have blood? ‘Hah, somehow that seems even more weird.’ I comment internally at the thought.

Feeling dry enough I cease the spells and walk toward the table while shifting into my ‘Default Black’ outfit, the skirt and simple blouse with frilly folds at the ends of the sleeves, black stockings and moccasins, but without the hooded cloak.

I pick up the necklace and hold it at eye level while I contemplate if I really want to go talk to Izanami again. I have some questions, but am also a bit apprehensive after the last time. I’m afraid of that feeling dwelling within me that she coaxed out.

With a deep sigh I try to recoup my resolve as I watch the pendant slowly swing like a pendulum, I notice details I overlooked before, the chain of the necklace is a dark silver, somehow looking worn while appearing pristine. The pendant itself still looks as if it was a bright shiny silver, covered in a thin coat of fresh blood as if painted on.

I stare into it for what feels like both a short moment and several minutes at once, feeling a change in the air, I focus my vision away from the pendant, noticing I’m no longer in the same room, immediately the thing that stands out is the wall in front of me is a deep crimson, as if made of blood, in an unsettling yet somehow beautiful way.

Taking a step closer, I notice I’m now walking on carpet, reminiscent of that from earth. The carpet is a soft light grey color, perhaps with a hint of lavender, or maybe it’s just the lighting? The room seems illuminated by reflected sunlight of a mildly overcast day, coming from a short hallway to an adjacent room, and a window covered by a semi-translucent curtain matching the carpet's color.

Closing within two steps from the wall, it really does look as if it was made of blood on closer inspection, down to a slight sheen as if it were a liquid. Reaching out timidly with my hand I touch it lightly with my fingertip, which is greeted with the solid but slick wet feeling of ice, without the coldness.

Looking around the room, I find myself in a rectangular lounge room, filled with relatively modern looking earth furniture, 90s era maybe? There are a couple of couches, a recliner, and a large rounded lounge chair of a pale lavender color. Several crimson colored pillows scattered amongst all of them.

Opposite the window, lies a row of bookcases across the shorter wall. Approaching them to get a closer look, soft whispers reach my ears as if the books themselves are calling to me. I’m torn between curiosity and fear, yet I step closer and start to reach my hand out towards one of the many unlabeled books.

I jump back in a jolt at the sudden noise filling the room, looking around to find its source I notice the door to the room has opened and continues to slowly recede from view as it’s hinges screech in protest as if they hadn’t been oiled in years.

The whispering from the books stops entirely, glancing back to the bookcases I gasp in shock as the books are no longer there. I back away several steps continuing to stare in shock until the opening door stops moving and silence falls over the room.

Looking to the side I can see into the next room through the now open door, the floor seems to be a dark wood polished to a sheen. As I step closer to the door I notice the room seems to be a large entryway, with light from large windows filling the room.

As I step meekly into the room I can see a spiral staircase leading to an upper floor, with a wooden railing, also a very light grey, lining the edge of the upper floor. The entryway’s ceiling is two stories high, the windows along the front fill the entire height. The roof is the same light grey, with a possible touch of lavender, as the carpet of the previous room. 

As I look toward the window, I can see a few pine trees and it looks like we’re high up on a hill. Stepping closer I am able to see what looks like a small modern city outside, a few of the closer roads have visible cars as I watch their tiny specks travel along them.

I assume I’m back on Earth and contemplate opening the door and running off, but before I could even take a step I feel a pair of cold hands slip onto my shoulders as Izanami’s voice slips past my right ear along with her cold breath, “I wouldn’t go out there if I were you. I can’t guarantee your safety beyond these walls.”

I can’t help but shiver a bit, whether it’s her voice or her touch, I’m not sure. I turn around towards my right and face her, she’s so close, I can see detail I never had before, her eyes are a warm hazel color, slightly bloodshot, with a bit of darkness underneath like she hasn’t slept in a long time.

Her long black hair is more tame than my last two meetings, looking as if it was recently brushed, and she is wearing a more modern looking simple black dress that reaches near the floor, with long sleeves and a modest neckline.

Her lips, with a dark purple lipstick matching her eyeshadow, curl into a smile as she greets me, “Welcome to my home Dear, yes, we are on Earth, but no, going outside is a very bad idea. Come, have lunch with me. Speak your thoughts.”

Letting out a sigh of relief, as if a pressure preventing me from breathing lifted, she steps away and I follow her under the staircase and into what looks to be a dining room, I’m greeted by a table full of many of my favorite foods.

My rapid heartbeat becomes apparent to me as I begin to calm down, ‘I didn’t realize I was so on edge’ I think to myself as I take a slow deep breath to calm down. Looking over the food as I step closer to the table, Izanami walks up and hands me a plate.

“Uh, right, ...thank you!” I blurt out awkwardly as I am startled out of my thoughts.

Izanami takes her own plate and fills it with a few things as I stand across the table looking over all the options, and trying to come to grips with this new reality, I was not really expecting this.

“When you get what you like, you can join me over there,” she says as she gestures toward a smaller, round table with two chairs sitting underneath a fancy light hanging from the ceiling bathing the table in a soft, warm glow, as if it were in a fancy restaurant.

I nod and squeeze out an “Mmhmm” as I focus back on the large table’s contents, I’m not sure when I’ll have another chance to eat more earth food, so I grab little bit of many things, from hibachi steak, to broccoli casserole, an eggroll with some duck sauce, and a small slice of thin crust ham with pineapple pizza.

Satisfied with my plate, I walk softly over to the smaller table and carefully set my plate down, noticing silverware has already been laid out. I look at Izanami and she is holding a wine glass filled with a bubbly liquid, looking back to my own place at the table I have nothing to drink.

After a moment, she takes a sip, as I decide to try and cast the spell for strawberry sparkling wine, only to fail, realizing the WorldMethod doesn’t exist here, and I never learnt how to make it on my own. Izanami looks at me for a moment and chuckles in a lighthearted way that’s also somehow slightly ominous sounding.

She holds out her empty hand and a glass of clear red fizzy liquid appears in her hand. I take it from her and sip from it before sitting down. It tastes as before, a lightly sweet strawberry wine.

“I guess... I should... learn how to make it myself, huh?” I respond nervously to her.

She smiles at me in her warm yet cold way, as I wonder how she manages to maintain so many juxtapositions in her appearance and demeanor. I set down my glass and grab the eggroll and dip it in the duck sauce before taking a bite, as the familiar flavors and warmth of fresh hot food fill my senses.

I work up the courage to ask one of my first questions as I finish swallowing my bite and taking another sip of wine, “Not that I intend to complain, but, I am curious, after all the talk of shapeshifting, why do I even have it? In fact, why am I the way I am, the abilities I have? It feels a bit… clunky? To me, anyway.”

Izanami looks at me in a gentle way, yet her eyes feel like they’re piercing into my soul, as she finishes her bite, and takes a sip of her own beverage, “Well Dear, as I explained to you before, I had to sneak you in. I had to combine many things that already existed, and even then, add more that did not. It is not easy, nor trivial. You do not want to be noticed by the owner of that world.”

I take a bite of the hibachi, and chase it with more wine before responding, “I guess, I’m just wondering… why these specific powers? And… that sounds rather worrying, about the owner. Uhm… I— I’m sorry, I— er, it’s a lot to take in, and, I thought maybe, if I knew what the reasoning was, it might help, the whole, you know… thinking outside the box, er, as a human, thing?”

Taking another sip from her glass, I feel slightly unnerved as Izanami continues to smile at me, “Aaah, Dear. You are now my child, your power was derived from my own, but your essence remains your own, to defeat the WorldMethod you must seem a part of the world. I merely found the nearest things to your true nature and molded them and you to fit one another.”

I continue to slowly eat as she explains things to me, “You needn’t worry about it for now, but your true nature is different than the WorldMethod’s information would lead you to believe. I must admit, I have been evaluating you for a time now, and you have subverted my expectations.”

With a mouth full of food I can only respond with a mumble of “Mmmmm?” to which she lets out a small chuckle before continuing, “You see, I have little experience working with others, but I have seen enough, or so I thought. I expected you to go on a rampage of sorts, collecting power from other’s essence and mana, and had planned to steer you toward my own goals.”

I’m a bit shocked, “I know I have some really fucked up rage and trauma to deal with but I can’t imagine, just, going on a rampage for no reason?”

She put down her glass, “You wanted honesty, as you told me last time. I have decided to give you some. I expected you to fulfill yourself selfishly and ruthlessly, you haven’t. You were no angel, certainly, but you could have easily killed half the town by now and be powerful enough to destroy any that could challenge you in the remaining half.”

Completely flabbergasted, I dropped my fork as I stammered, “W- w- what?! I… how could? No! Eh.. ah.. But… why?! I had no reason to… do… something like, like that?!”

This time she smiled showing her teeth and I felt a chill down my spine as I saw the stains of old and fresh blood alike across them, “You have every reason dear, it burns within you as we speak. I underestimated your control and your ability to hang onto your humanity, as well as the compassion accompanying the rage in your soul.”

I sit there, likely with my mouth gaping open, as she takes another sip from her glass and continues, “While it pleases me that you have such a strong will, you’re unknowingly keeping your soul trapped in a cage. I have no need to rush, but, I do need you to survive, and you will not if you cannot come to terms with yourself.”

Recovering a bit, I manage to mutter a response, “Uhm… er, what do you— does this have something, uhm, something to do with, what you said about 4 weeks?”

Setting her glass back down from another sip, Izanami looks me in the eyes, “Precisely dear, you see, you have caught the attention of the first person I had attempted to get assistance from, a native of that world. They went on their own crusade, steered toward my end, however they betrayed me in pursuit of their own power.”

My heartbeat is quickening again as I start to fidget with my silverware, “I don’t mean to... do anything like that? I… am grateful to, ...to be out of that hell you found me in, much less a new life. I…”

Before I can finish my anxious rambling she spoke again, “Dear, I believe you. Besides, you can not go against me, because I made you. If I were to will it, I could become your puppeteer.”

As she spoke those words, I feel as if my body was enveloped, almost as if being in a swimming pool, except this was Izanami’s power, maybe her essence itself, fear filled me as my heart raced and I felt a cold sweat from the pressure.

My body began to move on it’s own, she got up and walked to stand beside me, “Forgive me dear, but I intend to release your soul from its human cage.”

I want to scream but I cannot, as we walk slowly out into another hallway, my heart races and the hairs all over my body stand on end as my breathing becomes quick and sharp. Further into this darkened hallway we slowly step, towards a large dark wooden door at the end.

I see Izanami step before me and look me in the eyes as she begins to open the door, her face looks sad, with a solemn expression tainted with a distinct frown, her eyebrows noticeably slumped as she looks into my eyes almost as if ashamed before looking away as the door swings completely open.

Beyond the door, lies a barren room with small windows dimly illuminating six men who are secured along the length of the wall by short chains linking cuffs around their feet. Four in front and two at either end, all spaced apart such that they could not reach one another.

They begin to stir, slowly at first, as if exhausted. The first to look up at me, third from the left, carries a withered expression with droopy eyes. Terror washes over him, his eyes widen, jaw gaped open, as he scrambles back against the wall while I am forced to approach, fangs bared.

He screams as I take another step closer and begins to plead with me, “I have a family, please! I- it was a mistake! I didn’t know they wanted to kill you! I’ll never hurt another one of them again! You have t—“

I am confused at first when he says they wanted to ‘kill me,’ wondering if this man somehow knew me? When he said he’d never hurt another one of ‘them’ again my sense left me as the next thing I know I am ripping into his throat drinking his blood.

It tastes bitter, completely unlike any that I tasted from the other world, and I feel no energy, mana, or essence from it. Somehow, I can see this man’s memories, not all, at first it seemed innocent enough and I feel remorseful, until I begin to see flashes of the night I was killed, this man drove a van that those men rode in.

I see in his memories, four of them hanging out at a gas station, getting called via two-way radio and driving off to help hunt me down. They pull into an empty parking lot somewhere, get out and run for several minutes, as it begins to rain.

As the last bits of blood seep into my mouth, a wave of anger builds within me as I watch through his memories as they approach the fifth man and the scene of my death starts to replay. 

With tears streaming out of my eyes, their warmth caressing my cheeks, I rip away from the man hoping the memories stop, only to find myself looking into a mirror along the opposite wall, where the door I entered from was.

For a moment I feel a mixture of emotions, as I see myself, looking as I did before I was murdered, my face and hair are the same, but my clothes are still the black outfit I created. As I stand up and step closer to the mirror, my attention is drawn to the man to the right of the one I just drank the blood of.

He spits towards me and shouts, “Came here to finish us off, did you? Satan may have made you a demon bastard, but God will kill you in the end, when you kill me I’m going to live forever in heaven while you rot in eternal hellfire! Such is the will of God! Repent and he might see fit to end your miserable existence and you won’t have to suffer!”

Normally I’d shy away from such people, but instead I am filled with rage and find myself facing him a few steps away as he stands up and looks me in the eyes as he sneers at me, his lips curling into a smile while his eyebrows tighten and his eyes narrow.

He begins to speak more of his spiel, “You committed an atrocity upon God by denying the form he gave you at birth! Satan claimed your soul but it’s not too late, God is almighty and will offer mercy even to wretches li—“

I cut him off with a furious yell, “What the fuck happened to judge not lest ye be judged? If I slighted God with my personal choice who the fuck are you to decide for him, is God not capable of judging me himself? I don’t care what you believe, you live your life and let me live mine, if God wanted to judge me he can do it his goddamn self.”

As I stand there, furious, breathing heavily, feeling like a rubber band pulled taught, ready to snap at any moment, he stares at me smugly and just begins reciting bible verses. Before I realize what’s happened, his head is flying off his body and lands on the ground in front of me.

As I stare down at it, and his now slumped over headless body, I notice my right hand has become a sword, and is covered in blood. As I look down at his head again and back to the sword, I feel even more tears roll down my cheeks as I turn to face the mirror.

The thought, ‘If he is a monster what am I?’ crosses my mind, as if to answer, in the same moment one of the other men shouts “Burn in hell you mother fucking monster!”

With eyes so full of tears I find it hard to see, I turn to face the man, with my voice wobbly I shout back to him, “If I am a monster it’s because you all set me down this path, you’re all as much monsters as I am!” while I point my still sword tipped arm to the headless man and then at him.

The man stands up and the one to his left along the adjacent corner wall does a moment later too, as they begin to heckle me. I walk toward that corner of the room, to face the man at the far left of the back wall, as I look into his eyes I notice he is the man I first ran into in the bathroom.

At this point my anger is handily winning the battle in my heart, and I embrace the monster they say I am. “You want a fucking monster, I’ll show you a goddamned monster, you remember me you fucktard? You felt my crotch. Maybe I should return the favor.”

I try to invoke my puppeteer ability, but it feels different somehow, hard to describe, looser, less constrained, wild, almost. The two men to his left and right stand up at my thought, and step closer to him, but are hindered by their chains.

I walk up to each of them and grab the chain holding their foot and rip it out of the wall with ease, feeling almost as if I’m pulling apart stiff foam. Now freed, the two men on either side walk up and grab hold of the man as I face him once again.

His face fills with horror, with wide eyes and a gaping mouth in the shape of a frown, his head shaking left and right as he struggles and screams, “Stay away from me bitch! Why are you guys helping her?! Fucking demon stop possessing them! Lord please smite this fiend!”

While he’s spewing out words, I jerk down his pants and underwear to reveal his flaccid penis. Sitting down on my knees, I tease as I caress it gently while looking up at him smiling with my fangs on full display, “Oh my, look what we have here?”

He tries to kick me but I grab his leg and squeeze as he screams until I can feel the bone be crushed, his weight now supported by the other two men holding him still. I look back up to him as he continues to scream, sweat visible on his face as he stares at me with wide eyes continuing to shake his head ‘no.’

I laugh at his despair, “How does it feel to be on the other side, not very good does it? Maybe you won’t be such a massive dick if I take yours, hmm?” I tease menacingly as I play gently with his ballsack and run my finger along the length of his penis.

He begins shouting ‘no’ repeatedly and I use my shapeshifting to extend the amount I can open my jaw, and gently place his entire penis and ballsack in my mouth, and bite down, severing it swiftly, to the sound of his painful screams of agony.

I stand up and flash his dick to him from inside my mouth before I swallow it entirely then smile at him, his blood still dripping from my mouth. Next, turning both my hands into swords I impale the two men at either side of him through their hearts and swiftly retract the blades, shifting back to my hands as the three men tumble to the floor.

Turning to the last man alive, across the room from me, I see him cowering in a ball shaking, as I walk over to him, I feel like I recognize him, reaching down I grab him by his shirt and lift him up to face me, as I do the sound of water hitting the floor catches my attention, glancing down, he is peeing himself, normally I’d be grossed out but now I only laugh in his face.

The fear coming from him is palpable, as I lick my lips and smile at him, fangs on full display, “You’re the fucking cop, aren’t you?” I say to him as I put my face close enough for him to feel my breath on his cheek. I laugh delightfully as he shivers.

With my free arm, I turn my hand into the tip of the sword blade, about 6 inches(~15 cm) worth, and gently caress his neck with the blade, taunting him with it as he continues blubbering and shaking in my grip.

I put my lips next to his ear as I whisper into it, “Not such a tough guy when I’m not defenseless on the ground, are you?” as I speak I can feel his stuttering breath across my neck, as he shivers uncontrollably with every breath. I can’t help but cackle as I pull back to face him, smiling with my fangs exposed as I caress them with my tongue.

Not keen to experience any more unpleasant memories, I refrain from sucking his blood with my fangs, instead I shift the sword into my hand with my claws, stab into his chest, and yank out his heart, then hold it up to his face as the life leaves his eyes, letting the last thing he sees be me swallowing it whole.

I toss him aside and turn to face the mirror, instead of my past self, as Taylor, I see my new face, white hair, and glowing red eyes, I see Lilith, staring back at me. I see the monster, as I smile at myself, fangs extended, and hold up my bloody hand, fingers tipped with blood covered claws.

Stepping closer to the mirror, I stare at myself, as a few tears make their way down my cheeks. Reaching up with my clawed hand, I trace the path of one of the tears with the claw on my index finger, creating a bloody cut down my cheek.

As the cut begins to heal a few moments later, I softly whisper to myself, “I guess I am a monster, after all.”

As I turn to look around the room, and I spend a moment to look at and take in each of the six bodies of the men I just killed, wait a minute, there are six bodies, but I only remember five men that night?

The familiar cold touch of Izanami’s hand slips onto my shoulder as she stands beside me, “Yes dear, there were only five that night, one of these men was innocent.”

I snap my head to the side as I turn slightly to look at her, “What the fuck do you mean? Why would you put an innocent man here?! What the fuck!?” I pull away from her hand on my shoulder as what started as a normal tone ended in an angry, confused yell.

Maintaining a solemn expression, she looks me directly in the eyes, “Dear, I want it to be very clear, you are no longer human, even when you were, did you really have the innocence you believed?”

Before I can respond she continues, “You lived off of beings humanity perceived as lesser, happily ignoring the brutal reality, being far removed, you feasted on the corpses of the living daily, thousands of animals were raised and slaughtered under conditions you would deem horrid, solely to serve as your daily sustenance.” 

“Yeah but, tha—“ I try to reply but am cut off.

Raising her voice for a moment, it’s as if the world around me shakes slightly as Izanami speaks, “That’s different? It’s no different, you are now, to humans, as a human is to a pig.”

The shaking stops as Izanami steps before me, and slips her hands onto my shoulders as she looks into my eyes, her face seeming softer now, as her eyes convey a sad expression, yet her lips have a slight smile, “By the time you realize your potential you will be to a human what a human is to a cockroach.”

Tears are streaming down my cheeks uncontrollably, even though my feelings are mixed, I don’t feel remorseful like I should for killing those men, yet I feel it for myself, as if I’ve lost something I cared for deeply. I don’t understand my own feelings, even knowing an innocent man was murdered by me, I can only feel this sense of loss, emptiness.

I dropped to my knees and began sobbing uncontrollably. I can feel Izanami’s hands on my shoulders again, as her hands slide across my back, her arms wrapping me in her cold embrace, yet somehow it makes me feel warm, as I bury my head into her shoulder. 

She begins to whisper in my ear, “I used to have a daughter, many millennia ago, before I was a God, yes dear, I was once human as you were, we all were, she came of age and married a strong warrior, she adored him and often trained together with him, as one of the defenders of the tribe when the men were off on a hunt.”

Leaning her head onto mine she continued as she began to stroke my hair, “Farming was becoming more commonplace and some rival tribes built a city, they began to regard our way of life as uncivilized and demanded we join them to work the fields, we chose not to and they took great offense, war soon followed.”

Her breath softly caressed my ear as she spoke, “The great warriors, including my daughter’s husband, went to war, and never returned. Enraged she left alone in the night and slaughtered many before being captured and offered as a sacrifice to their false god, her severed head was left for us, with a demand to join the city or join her in death.”

I could feel Izanami’s hand tremble slightly, and her breath grow colder, “I was bitter, and vowed revenge, I sought to join them as a pretense, and began murdering them one by one in the night, and drank of their blood, I lured men with lustful desires, and murdered them as they bedded me.”

I could feel the change in her breath as her lips quivered, “I… I became… a monster, I offered myself to my tribe’s false god as an instrument of revenge, little did I realize, I already had power, and through my actions I gained even more. Rarely humans are born who can control mana, and ultimately, their own essence.”

Her fingers stopped caressing my hair as they tightened gripping into a fist resting on my neck, “I was one, and I became a monster to my fellow tribe, I returned after destroying the entire city, men, women, and children, all killed, by my hand, my tribe feared me, called me a monster, and attacked me. I killed them all, and drank of their blood.”

She pulled away, placing both hands firmly on my shoulders as she looked into my still watery eyes, “We’re both monsters to the world, you and I.”

Her grip on my shoulders tightened, “Also, I must be forthright with you, please listen completely before you answer, I manipulated events to ensure you would be found and murdered that night, all the pieces were there, I only arranged them to create this outcome. I am sorry your old life had to come to an end, but in return you have the power to do anything you like in your new world.”

Earlier I would have been shocked, possibly appalled, and who knows what else, but now, I only feel numb, yet I still cry. Emptiness in my heart, I remark in a dull voice, “For a price, huh? I guess it doesn’t matter now, what is done is done. But… why me?”

Izanami hugs me and whispers into my ear, “Another day dear, for now, just know, you were special before I found you.”

I close my eyes for a moment and the next thing I know I’m waking up in the tub with a startled jerk as water splashes all over and my heart is racing, I can feel a small weight upon my chest, I glance down to see I’m wearing the pendant, as I look to the table where it was, a wine glass sits, filled with a light red, bubbly liquid.